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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do i let her know that i have found her letter

318 replies

user1471427614 · 13/10/2019 20:22

I need some opinions. To cut a long story short. Husband made friends with a single mum doing the school run. She lived further down the road from us so would sometimes walk the same way, husband told me about this.

Single mum then bumps into husband says shes moving away and whats his name so she can add on facebook. I comment this is strange and add her too. She later defriends me but keeps husband and likes most posts.

Unknown to me they are now chatting and metting up with children for shopping...lunch etc. I find out (they were seen) and words are had about breaking boundaries etc. I say that she has her eye on him, he says its not like that, she just has problems and needs a freind.

I have now found letter from her to husband confessing undying love and that she wants to marry him have children etc. Her letter makes it clear that nothing physical has happened and that he has said he wouldnt leave me but hes obviously making her think she stands a chance. Husband knows i have found this letter and will be dealt with when he gets back from work.

The question now is do I let her know that i know about her letter and what shes up to with my husband?

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 14/10/2019 19:30

I'd empty the bank account, pack his bags, change the locks and start divorce proceedings.
He is very clearly lying.

Soulstirring · 14/10/2019 19:30

OP stay strong. What is your gut telling you?

Although the future may seem daunting either way be assured everything works out in the end.

ILearnedItFromABook · 14/10/2019 19:45

Even if you believe his explanations (excuses), he now indisputably knows about this letter and everything it means. At this point, there is no acceptable reason for him to continue contact with her and every reason to cut her out of his life immediately and completely. If he's unwilling to do that, he's a horrible husband (and most likely a liar and a cheater).

She's a piece of crap, too, for pursuing a married man (especially one with young children), but right now, he should be the focus. If he won't instantly drop her out of his life, he's as much as admitting that she's more important than his life with you.

You deserve better.

Bellringer · 14/10/2019 19:49

Read him the riot act. Make him block her on everything after he tells her to leave him alone. Tell him if you suspect anything in future he's out so don't hide anything. He's a wanker.
Only contact her from a position of strength, there's no need but you might want to tell her she's a cow and fuck off. That might make him more of a prize so best leave it.
You do need to talk to him, I'd break something he loves.

avocadoincident · 14/10/2019 19:49

Trying to put together some words of wisdom but @ILearnedItFromABook says it all perfectly.
It's vaguely possible he didn't know her feelings before now but the facts are clear now so he absolutely needs to cut her off or it would be over for me.

SheChoseDown · 14/10/2019 19:49

So his friend mentions the letter. Told him to read it. And that's just that? He never queried her or asked about it?
Liar!!!!

BumbleBeee69 · 14/10/2019 19:50

He knows hes being unreasonable but I dont think he is going to cut her off........we will see

That sentence right there changes everything OP. He knows exactly how she feels and is encouraging it by continuing to meet up for little lunches etc... he is disrespecting your marriage, your kids together, your life together. He is betraying you every time he meets her. Sorry Flowers

Stuckinanutshell · 14/10/2019 19:50

You don’t think he will cut off contact?! Seriously? I would be cutting something off...

There’s no way I would be staying with a man who refused to cut off a woman who sent that sort of note. Jesus.

stanski · 14/10/2019 19:55

Everything @BumbleBeee69 said

CharlottesPleb · 14/10/2019 19:58

She's pursuing your husband and judging by your OP he has made it known he won't leave you.

I don't know wtf people are painting her position as defensible here, it sounds like a predatory attempt to get in someone else's marriage and break it to me.

He is equally responsible for leading her on, and is a bastard that is basically teetering on the edge of cheating - although if he has genuinely said he won't leave you it may be correctable or saveable... you will know best whether it is worth trying or not.

BumbleBeee69 · 14/10/2019 20:01

He is equally responsible for leading her on, and is a bastard that is basically teetering on the edge of cheating

I agree.. and I think he has always known that letter was there and keeps in close so he can pour over it... he's lapping this up.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 14/10/2019 20:11

If he won't cut her off, then he's putting that friendship above your marriage. That's his choice, but if does do that, then he is a massive bell end.

Greenkit · 14/10/2019 20:17

Choice really, her or your marriage

Newschapter · 14/10/2019 20:30

He'd definitely be getting an ultimatum from me as well!

You sound like a woman who takes no nonsense @user1471427614 so I wish you all the best!

I don't believe he hasn't seen the note at all mind you

isadoradancing123 · 14/10/2019 20:30

No way would i allow this, he either goes no contact totally with her or his bags would be packed

girlanonymous · 14/10/2019 20:32

The moment she defriended you and kept your husband red flags should have been raised.

Original poster
user1471427614 · 14/10/2019 20:33

Thanks for all the replys, its been realy helpful

OP posts:
billy1966 · 14/10/2019 20:37

OP, how very upsetting.

Either way he hasn't been very loyal. Trust is such a delicate thing. Once broken, very hard to get back.

I would definitely take a shot of that letter and ask a couple of school Mum's what THEY think and let her deal with the looks in school and try and figure them out.

💐

BumbleBeee69 · 14/10/2019 20:39

I hope you're okay OP. Flowers

BetweenTheMoon · 14/10/2019 20:40

He's enjoying it and the power he has over her from leading her on. He is a grade A arsehole. He's happy making both of your miserable.

Sorry OP, it's hard but either he makes a massive move to show he's sorry (cuts off all contact etc) or that would be the start of the end for me. I'd never be able to trust him.

butterybiscuitbasic · 14/10/2019 20:43

He knews hes being unreasonable but I dont think he is going to cut her off........we will see

I’m So sorry op but if that is the case he’s backing you into a complete corner where honestly you’re only option is to leave (and I don’t think I’ve ever said ltb on Mumsnet).

Honestly - what’s the alternative in that situation?

Itsallpetetong · 14/10/2019 20:44

He knows hes being unreasonable but I dont think he is going to cut her off........we will see

That sentence right there changes everything OP. He knows exactly how she feels and is encouraging it by continuing to meet up for little lunches etc... he is disrespecting your marriage, your kids together, your life together. He is betraying you every time he meets her. Sorry

Agree with pp. Flowers

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 14/10/2019 20:46

When you got married OP did you have the traditional marriage vows? If so, did your husband actually understand the meaning of the phrase "forsaking all others"?

I think he's getting a real ego boost from this woman's attention. I wonder if he'd be so accepting if the tables were turned and you were having quiet coffees and lunches with one of the single dads and continued with the friendship after the dad sent you a letter declaring his love? Maybe ask him that.

justthecat · 14/10/2019 20:48

I’d be telling him he either severs contact or it’s the end of your marriage.
What a twat, 💐 for you

icannotremember · 14/10/2019 20:55

For one thing I would not believe his innocence in any of this.

For another even if I did, or at least wanted to try and save our relationship, my first and non negotiable condition would be that he severed all contact with her immediately.

But op, I would honestly think he was playing me for a fucking fool and I would act accordingly.

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