To give DH silent treatment?

[DisneyMadeMeDoIt]

DH bought our house before we met. It’s a terraced with students next door but he’s a ‘heavy sleeper’!

Im not - have slept with ear plugs in for almost two years.

I’m now 16 weeks pregnant (fully planned- DH agreed we would move) and had an awful pregnancy- HG, depression + every symptom going (despite being perfectly fit/healthy before).

A group of loud teen girls have moved in next door talking, laughing, cooking, hair dryers, music, constantly setting off fire alarms cooking...etc. It’s grinding me down, I’m frequently woken up.

DH sleeps through it all whilst I suffer and I’m starting to really hate him and this house!

He is SO picky and unrealistic for our budget in our area (but he’s not willing to relocate) the few he does like are awfully old fashioned and need SO much work doing - which we will never do! (He works 60+ hours a week and has never finished a DIY job he started.)

I arranged 3 viewings this weekend, first two weren’t right but the third (today) was PERFECT!

• Price
• Location
• Size
• No work needed

Beautiful beautiful family home, ticked every box we had and I fell in love with it. DH was quiet as soon as we left, avoided asking what I thought. Then made a shitty comment about one of the bedrooms being down stairs (HE KNEW THIS BEFORE WE WENT) I’d shown him the floor plan and he pointed it out but didn’t have an issue!

It’s new to the market and it will go fast (high demand area) with very few family homes becoming available/ but I feel like he’s just dragging his feet and being an arse because our current house is right next to his work and it’s easier for him.

He’s mentioned ‘moving after baby’ a few times but I’m due in April- so we’ll have a new born during all the ‘end of term’ madness and student parties!

I feel so trapped, like I have no other choice than to just put up with everything and now I’m pregnant I have no control over anything - not even my body! On reflection I should have insisted on moving before getting pregnant.

I’m so angry at him I’m not speaking to him- which I know in part is down to my illness/hormones...he just sent me a link to another gaudy old house in need of tons of work and I’m like 😡 NO YOU KNOW WE WILL HAVE A NEW BORN AND NO TIME TO DO DIY!!

Trying to have calm conversations with him about is getting me nowhere and I’m honestly just at my wits end! Feel like packing up and moving back to my parents!

I’ve asked before OP, but have you spoken to them at all?

I’d have kicked off at the karaoke shit last night.

I have neighbours who also think they are the cast of Glee during the afternoon, nothing I can do there but annoying no less

Investigate your local by laws regarding noise pollution.
then copy them (print them out or whatever), highlight the relevant section and hand it to them, letting them know that if they continue to breach the noise pollution laws, you will be calling out the police or environmental health or whomever.

They might come, you never know.

I had to do this once, years ago though, when a party behind my house went on until 5am, but the fuckers all had to leave via the alleyway that went directly under my bedroom window - SUCH a bad night! The EHO came out to my neighbour that night, and to me the next day, so I could show them how far away the party building was.

They were sent a "don't do this again" notice by the Council. Can't remember if the police came out or not this time - I think they left it up to the EHO.

@DisneyMadeMeDoIt that’s a great update! At least he is willing. I disagree completely with PPs who said your DH sounds like he’s being a dick. Only you know your relationship. You are correct to want to move, and I’m glad he’s on board.

But it’s totally reasonable for him to have been hesitant. If I were him, it would be a combination of feeling attached to my current house, nervous about selling my “single purchase” and moving to a “family home” even though it’s exciting, it’s scary too, stress of work, stress of exams, stress of not knowing where the final commute to work would be etc etc. Also not being aware of the noise if he’s a heavy sleeper etc.

Glad the idea is sorted, and hope you get your house! I had a recent thread on AIBU about making a low offer on a house, and was told I was a cheeky bastard and there was no way we’d get it. Our offer was accepted, and it’s all going ahead. It’s scary when you find the perfect house, and aren’t sure if you’ll manage to end up there, but everything happens for a reason. Hope you sell fast!

@pointythings

Thank you for the sense!

If it’s a student area then asking them to keep it down is pointless. Just sounds like the soundproofing between your homes is rubbish.
I’d tell DH you can’t live like this anymore and you’re going to your parents for a rest. And that doer-upper homes are out of e question (you’re right, there will be little town to do it up). Tell him that he needs to find a house in good cod ruin at the right price, like you’ve just found.
And yes to waking him up every time the neighbours wake you

Sorry for typos!

I know DH doesn’t think this is the ‘perfect’
house. He now acknowledges the good points (nice fixtures/high spec/good floor space...etc) but it’s still ‘too modern’ for him.

MIL also strongly believes we shouldn’t move atm (due to DH easy walk commute, up until a few months ago he had over an hour each way drive) and I’m dreading that convo - she’s made several comments about it recently and when we had this valued she messaged to ‘check it’s just for info’.
I actually love my MIL but she can be quite opinionated on things like this.

DH said last night she won’t be pleased and that this house is ‘not her style at all’ I replied ‘well it’s a good job she won’t be living in it then 🙌🏻‘

In terms of talking to the neighbours, so the last set of students we had we did get into it with - banging on their door at 3am- being ignored, calling 111- complaining to council...etc and we basically got nowhere before they moved out and the next set were in. It created a hostile atmosphere though which was horrible.

I bumped into these lot the other day and pointed out how easily noise travels...etc- they were polite but definite hostility as though they knew I was telling them to shut up- they aren’t an approachable lot tbh- very ‘sports clubs’ and (I hate to use this term) but... chavy 🙄

I also spoke to landlord and said that the noise is why we are considering moving - his response was ‘yeah these houses are awful for noise, think that’s why it’s mainly a student area. They’re not built for families really so moving is probably for the best- unless you fancy getting sound proofing done but it’s expensive.’

In fairness he is usually a nice chap who owns several houses around us but think he’s set his stall out that nothing will change. He also pointed that that he’s heard me and DH whilst doing work on the house next door - although we don’t have karaoke parties 🙄 obvs

Is it terrible of me to say I just can’t face the Agro and paper work of fighting them? Not whilst sleep deprived, pregnant and recovering from HG- I just want a nice quiet family house!

I was your "DH" although my place was a flat. It was a close to perfect area, I'd fully renovated it think beautiful high ceilings, massive rooms guests were always when they visited first time etc.

While I was keen to move, everything we saw was not right/I didn't like it and while I looked enthusiastically everything disappointed...

We ultimately sat down and agreed

1. we both wanted to move
2. While my DP was willing to be flexible i needed to pick from what was available not wait for a imagined-doesn't-exist-house
3. We did the point scoring thing where we each had a list of important things

The house with the highest score won and we bought it.
We ended up:
In my DPs preferred area (we were looking in 2 areas)
in a pebble dash house

@Sushi

Taking a list of what’s available and picking the best is very much my way of thinking but DH is a ‘wait endlessly for a perfect imaginary fantasy house’ type! He actually pointed out yesterday (during our argument) that I just ‘make a short list and then pick whatever Is best regardless of whether it’s fully right’ - and it was clear he didn’t think this a good trait!

He’s messaged today to say he’s looking at rightmove data and there’s been a HUGE drop in searches in our area In the last few weeks (so obvs he isn’t confident) but I don’t know why he’s telling me that as I just feel like crying now.

I feel SOOO unwell, I’m on the sofa with no energy, sick with exhaustion after barely sleeping and listening to their screaming and singing all day, my head hurts - and I’ve started getting horrible period like cramps.

I can’t drive myself anywhere atm or have the energy to gather all the things I need to go to my parents. I feel so miserable

Then you need to message back "Are you suggesting it'll be hard to sell? Then we need to think about turning this into a rental and renting something suitable - this house isn't suitable for when the baby comes and the earlier we move/more time we have in new house before birth, the easier it will be. You need to get your head round I'll compromise on where we move to, I won't compromise on staying in this house."

Stick to your guns. One way or another, you won't be living there by the time the baby comes. Either you have sold it and bought elsewhere, or rented it out and rented elsewhere until the market picks up, or you will have left him. You need him to have given up on the idea of making do until the perfect house comes along.

Can your parents come and get you OP? You need to sleep, leave this for now until you're feeling better.

He needs to know that stalling isn't going to get him anywhere.

I really feel for you - I can't imagine being pregnant and in this situation. The pressure and stress must be immense...

Has he had an offer on the terrace yet? and if not is it realistically priced?
I got an decent offer from a buyer who wanted to complete asap and that also helped "focus me"

You need to get an offer accepted on his place and crack on.
In the meantime pack a bag and show him you mean business

Our terrace isn’t even on the market yet, there’s a small list of jobs (including the full re painting/papering of one room) which need doing before the agents can take pictures- I have the decorator coming tomorrow to do that!

It should be on the market as of early next week. However, the list of jobs feels huge and unmanageable (because I’m in such a state atm) and DH is going to be limited help as he’s working 60 hours a week and gearing up for this exam!

The thing is, I don’t want to be homeless bouncing between my siblings and parents which pregnant - I come with a lot of stuff atm (meds/special pillows...etc) and I’m recovering from HG - throwing off my routine yesterday has meant I’ve been sick again today 😞

If I don’t do it, it won’t get done and we’ll lose this house to someone else then be back to square one looking - I can’t sleep here and it’s so bad for my MH/Health but I can’t ignore all these issues whilst at my siblings/ parents - I don’t feel at home there and I hate being displaced. Plus the closer it gets to Christmas the less likely it’ll be we have a new home to take baby back to- so what, I’ll take baby back to my sibling/ parents ... neither of which are geared up for a baby - My sibling is a young Male with a GF and my DF is very unwell so a new born is unmanageable.

Getting your dh to put a rocket up himself and commit to moving is not the same as being dead set on this one house only. Are there enough bedrooms upstairs for you and the lo (and any subsequent)? Are all the older style houses (which he seems to prefer) in a state of disrepair?

Unless he plans to build it himself there is no such thing as the perfect house. You always have to compromise on something.

I don't see how him waiting a week to make an offer isn't him dragging his feet to sabotage any chance of success. And you're letting him. Why?!

It's just empty words again. The only reason to wait a week to make an offer on a property that's likely to sell quickly is if you're hoping someone else will buy it first. Combined with his attempts to undermine your confidence in the meantime.

Either that or he is spectacularly stupid. Which seems somewhat unlikely given his profession. So we are back to deliberate.

Last time I checked you could get an aip more or less instantly. If you wanted. But he doesnt.

I think he's bullshitting you and you're letting him because this is the first time you've asserted yourself (not blackmailed, asserted) and it's made you uncomfortable because you're used to being passive.

@Pandaintheporridge
I feel like I am set on this house though as the list of ‘requirements’ (size, price, area, state of repair) are specific to the point that there’s VERY little on right-move that fits it! Tbh we went to see the 3 we thought were maybes and this was the only decent one! IF we don’t get this one there’s a 50/50 chance something else decent will appear within time for us to move for baby! I feel like most other houses DH could manage to have a ‘genuine’ issue with whereas this one does technically fit the bill.

@Quince
🤔 but we can’t make an offer now.
A) We don’t have the AIP from lender
B) I spoke to the estate agent (for the new house) today and they were very clear that there is no point us making an offer until we have accepted an offer on our house. Which isn’t on the market yet! This is why I’m feeling so overwhelmed as it’s such a lot to do - DH is hiding behind the Exam he has coming up and meanwhile I’m sleep deprived and totally miserable sinking deeper into poor MH with mental neighbours

Where I live, we could put a note of interest on the property - the sellers might find it useful to know you are interested yet not able to make an offer yet, might influence them if someone else made a low offer.

@Panda

That’s what I did today. They know we intend to make an offer but there is another couple in the same situation.

Oh, this is dire. Don't go silent on him but do tell him you're getting more desperate by the day and starting to think he's deliberately ignoring your needs and the baby's until he drives you away.

So the things are processing .
You need decorators in before you put it on the market. (or you choose to, to get best price.) It sounds like things are mooving but if he works 60 hours a wk and studying for an exam then he doesn't have much time. But it sounds like he has compromised.

In fairness he’s come home tonight with a few suggestions (seems he’s been scouring right move on lunch) he ‘says’ he understands how much of a priority this needs to be and that it’s now impacting my MH. He quiet deflatedly announced ‘there’s basically nothing decent available atm’ before presenting a new build he found (in an area he’s initially ruled out 🤔)

The new build is fine but it’s away from my family/support network and less floor space for more money. I feel like had I suggested it last week he’d have ruled it out- also not sure how he can complain my choice of house is ‘too modern’ and want to replace it with a new build 😂🙈

Maybe he's looking at suggestions in case the one you want falls through?

Why the fuck would he suggest a new build when the one you were after is "too modern" for him?! That makes ZERO sense.

His mother can keep her nose out too - your response to her comment was perfect!

And look, while it's not ideal to keep moving house (although some people do it regularly), this doesn't have to be your "forever home" - it could just be a "for now home" because the one you're in at the moment = "fucking nightmare house (NOT home)". So he could put up with something that's not his version of perfect for a few years, then look at leisure for what he REALLY wants (and that you want too) and then move again then. Not ideal, but still should re-direct his thinking a bit.

Your MIL needs reminding you are adults. Checking it is just for info. .

Your dh needs reminding he doesn't need his mother's permission or approval.

It’s good he has acknowledged that moving is a priority.

Get your house in the market ASAP!