To give DH silent treatment?

[DisneyMadeMeDoIt]

DH bought our house before we met. It’s a terraced with students next door but he’s a ‘heavy sleeper’!

Im not - have slept with ear plugs in for almost two years.

I’m now 16 weeks pregnant (fully planned- DH agreed we would move) and had an awful pregnancy- HG, depression + every symptom going (despite being perfectly fit/healthy before).

A group of loud teen girls have moved in next door talking, laughing, cooking, hair dryers, music, constantly setting off fire alarms cooking...etc. It’s grinding me down, I’m frequently woken up.

DH sleeps through it all whilst I suffer and I’m starting to really hate him and this house!

He is SO picky and unrealistic for our budget in our area (but he’s not willing to relocate) the few he does like are awfully old fashioned and need SO much work doing - which we will never do! (He works 60+ hours a week and has never finished a DIY job he started.)

I arranged 3 viewings this weekend, first two weren’t right but the third (today) was PERFECT!

• Price
• Location
• Size
• No work needed

Beautiful beautiful family home, ticked every box we had and I fell in love with it. DH was quiet as soon as we left, avoided asking what I thought. Then made a shitty comment about one of the bedrooms being down stairs (HE KNEW THIS BEFORE WE WENT) I’d shown him the floor plan and he pointed it out but didn’t have an issue!

It’s new to the market and it will go fast (high demand area) with very few family homes becoming available/ but I feel like he’s just dragging his feet and being an arse because our current house is right next to his work and it’s easier for him.

He’s mentioned ‘moving after baby’ a few times but I’m due in April- so we’ll have a new born during all the ‘end of term’ madness and student parties!

I feel so trapped, like I have no other choice than to just put up with everything and now I’m pregnant I have no control over anything - not even my body! On reflection I should have insisted on moving before getting pregnant.

I’m so angry at him I’m not speaking to him- which I know in part is down to my illness/hormones...he just sent me a link to another gaudy old house in need of tons of work and I’m like 😡 NO YOU KNOW WE WILL HAVE A NEW BORN AND NO TIME TO DO DIY!!

Trying to have calm conversations with him about is getting me nowhere and I’m honestly just at my wits end! Feel like packing up and moving back to my parents!

Are you married?

Maybe he doesn’t want to put you on the mortgage or anything ...

He doesn't like the house you found - can you not see his point of view?

Houses are obviously a big investment, you're asking him to roll all of his current equity into one of life's most expensive purchases, knowing he doesn't like it.

I feel that this is a decision you both need to agree on if it isn't going to burden your relationship in the future. Personally if I told my DH I didn't like something and his reaction was to sulk and give me the silent treatment because he didn't get his own way, I'd be fucking thrilled for him to move back to his mothers.

I'm 20+2 by the way, I get the relentless of pregnancy but bullying your husband into a decision like this isn't the answer.

I think I would say that you can't stand this any more, and he's clearly not putting you or the baby's needs anywhere on the priority list, so you're moving back to your mum's until he starts being more proactive and moving to a sensible house that suits ALL of you, not just him.

I know that's quite a combative stance, but you're getting nowhere at the moment, and in all honesty the silent treatment won't help you much either as he'll just think you've let it go.

I agree with those who say that the silent treatment is never the answer. Would he agree to you waking him every time you're disturbed so he can get a better sense of the issues? What does he say about how you will actually do up a new house? I think you do need to seriously consdier moving in with your parents while he sorts the problem with his house out either in terms of selling it or investing in sound insulation which he gets professionals to fit. You do need sleep and your OH should be empathic about that if he's someone to stay with.

Tell him you are putting an offer in for the house, because it fits all the criteria you both agreed on.
He sounds selfish, but you sound as immature with the threat of silent treatment to sort the problem
And you two are going to be parents? Right.

You both need to agree on the new house - you can't force him into a major lifetime purchase because you like the house if he doesn't

And the silent treatment is never the answer - YABU

Agree, don't give him the silent treatment, it isn't going to help your situation and it's nasty.

However, waking him every time you're woken, although not kind, might make him realise just how hard this is for you.

I've lived next to a student house so can really sympathise OP. Although they would come in at 4 in the morning bringing a bunch of friends with them and start playing loud drum and bass. I had to sell the house and move in the end as it was beginning to seriously affect my health, but that's another whole story.

It might be good for you to go to your parents for a few weeks just to allow you to get a some uninterrupted sleep. Lack of sleep can make you feel quite desperate at times.

He ONLY looks at houses when I have a go...and I suspect he is then purposely finding houses that aren’t right - as he usually has lovely taste but these are hideous!

It's blatantly obvious he has no intention of moving whatsoever. You could see that from space it's so bleeding obvious. He's being disrespectful and manipulative.

You can keep going to viewings where he will continue behaving like a dick.

You can agree to wait until baby is here. At which point he will say you should wait until baby is older or at school or secondary school or left home.

Or you can take some power back over your own life and go and stay with your parents while he reflects on his behaviour and whether he's prepared to stop being so disrespectful and manipulative.

But don't engage in silly games that achieve nothing except toxicity.

Ultimately it comes down to whether you want to take steps to change the things making life miserable or if you want them to stay the same and just vent about them online.

There are things within your power to change this shit.

Don’t give him silent treatment, nobody deserves that.

Pack your things and leave and say that’s how it’ll be until he decides what he wants. He’s being incredibly selfish and you’re meant to be a team.

I don't think he is being unreasonable, once seeing the house not wanting a bedroom downstairs, but he does need to be more engaged with the process of finding a new home. If you need some rest go to your mums and tell him why.

Are your tastes simply miles apart? Does he want something older with "character" and you want something more modern and easily maintained? You need to talk and listen to each others ideas and where the compromises will need to be.

If you buy something that needs a bit of work done, could the compromise be only if you budget to get tradesmen in to do it quickly before moving in?

Moving out will be far more effective than the silent treatment. Tell him you won't be moving back into that house ever.

He will also miss the convenience of you sharing the domestic tasks etc.

He is showing you how selfish and inconsiderate he is, I would think carefully about whether moving house will actually solve that point.

The thing is though - he owns this house so I can’t do anything x

You’re married- if you divorce you get half the house!

He sounds so selfish and doesn’t bode well for the future.

I’d tell him he’s promised to move and you’re holding him to that promise.

The thing is, he either moves house and stays married and stays a family or you seperate and he gets divorced and loses half of his house.

Giving to silent treatment is just petulant, and if you intend in staying with him, you need to find a better way of communicating before the baby arrives, your child doesn't deserve to be brought up in a house with an atmosphere every time you disagree.

Yes, you should have moved before you got pregnant.

Does he actually want to move and sell his house or did he just agree to appease you ?

If he just doesn't like the houses you choose, he is quite entitled to say no. It's a lot of his money to like into something, he may think it's a better investment buying one that needs a bit if work.

The same as you are saying no to the houses he chooses? Could you not agree on one that needs a little work, at least you would be getting some sleep then after baby is here you can both get stuck in to decorating it ?

If non of these work, stay at your Parents or a friends until you both find a suitable house.

Definitely don’t give silent treatment. Could you redefine your search criteria together. If he wants a fixer upper that you’ll have to live in with a new baby you need it to be cheap enough to afford professionals to do the work. Then it will at least get done. That would look like you massively compromising so he’d need to concede to some more compromises too. I think it will be good when you have your current house on the market, keep pushing that forward.

Totally agree with @Frillyfarmer and PPs suggesting she should move out I.e. walk out in a huff is bloody ridiculous!
So he has to like the houses she likes or she’s leaving him?
Get a grip.
OP, decide which houses you both like and both have vetoes on diy projects etc.

I do appreciate those who’ve said ‘but you both need to agree on the house’ but I’m not sure if maybe you misunderstood some of my OP.

DH is picking fault and not actually helping/wanting to look. Whilst I don’t want to ‘bully’ him into moving I feel as though I’m being ‘bullied’ into staying with comments like ‘you’ll split up our family if you leave’ and empty promises of moving which he seems to have no intention of. Until now everything has been on his terms! He’s essentially stringing me along or that’s how it feels.

I’ve gone to my siblings house as they live local. I showed him the brochure for the house we saw today;
Sibling- ‘wow I bet DH loved this’
Me- ‘no DH did not love it’
Sibling - But it has everything you’ve been wanting.
Me- I know
Sibling - I don’t think he actually wants to move you know 😒

Wake him up every single time they wake you up. Let him experience what's it's like. Every night

THIS. Keep doing it. Again and again and again.

DH can chose not to move but he can not string me along and force me to stay in a house where I can’t sleep 😡
I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I just need to leave and stay here until DH manages to find something he likes (which I do too). Although I think today’s will be tough to beat!

Sell up and rent for time being?

I agree. Wake him up. Every. Single. Time. He'll soon get fed up and want to move.

@Derbee

I would LOVE to do this but DH spends his days operating on people (including Children and the elderly) so whilst he would TOTALLY deserve it, on a moral level I feel bad about sending him in sleep deprived. If he made a mistake or did something wrong somebody innocent could suffer

Wake him up every single time they wake you up. Let him experience what's it's like. Every night

Yep that's definitely the behaviour of a healthy, mature relationship, I'm sure that will make your relationship stronger and a great environment for your baby to be brought into

@DisneyMadeMeDoIt that does make it harder. Do it on nights where he’s not working the next day? He needs to understand what it’s like to keep waking up, and not getting a full night’s sleep

Do the sake of your health you need sleep. Please stay at your sibling's house or with your parents. I would. I really can't abide barriers to sleep.

For the sake of your health.