To give DH silent treatment?

[DisneyMadeMeDoIt]

DH bought our house before we met. It’s a terraced with students next door but he’s a ‘heavy sleeper’!

Im not - have slept with ear plugs in for almost two years.

I’m now 16 weeks pregnant (fully planned- DH agreed we would move) and had an awful pregnancy- HG, depression + every symptom going (despite being perfectly fit/healthy before).

A group of loud teen girls have moved in next door talking, laughing, cooking, hair dryers, music, constantly setting off fire alarms cooking...etc. It’s grinding me down, I’m frequently woken up.

DH sleeps through it all whilst I suffer and I’m starting to really hate him and this house!

He is SO picky and unrealistic for our budget in our area (but he’s not willing to relocate) the few he does like are awfully old fashioned and need SO much work doing - which we will never do! (He works 60+ hours a week and has never finished a DIY job he started.)

I arranged 3 viewings this weekend, first two weren’t right but the third (today) was PERFECT!

• Price
• Location
• Size
• No work needed

Beautiful beautiful family home, ticked every box we had and I fell in love with it. DH was quiet as soon as we left, avoided asking what I thought. Then made a shitty comment about one of the bedrooms being down stairs (HE KNEW THIS BEFORE WE WENT) I’d shown him the floor plan and he pointed it out but didn’t have an issue!

It’s new to the market and it will go fast (high demand area) with very few family homes becoming available/ but I feel like he’s just dragging his feet and being an arse because our current house is right next to his work and it’s easier for him.

He’s mentioned ‘moving after baby’ a few times but I’m due in April- so we’ll have a new born during all the ‘end of term’ madness and student parties!

I feel so trapped, like I have no other choice than to just put up with everything and now I’m pregnant I have no control over anything - not even my body! On reflection I should have insisted on moving before getting pregnant.

I’m so angry at him I’m not speaking to him- which I know in part is down to my illness/hormones...he just sent me a link to another gaudy old house in need of tons of work and I’m like 😡 NO YOU KNOW WE WILL HAVE A NEW BORN AND NO TIME TO DO DIY!!

Trying to have calm conversations with him about is getting me nowhere and I’m honestly just at my wits end! Feel like packing up and moving back to my parents!

If someone sleeps like a log IME they have little or no compassion or understanding what it's like for those that can't!

Could he be unwilling to sell the house to avoid it becoming a shared asset once you buy it together?

Or, you know, because it's his home , close to work and he likes it...

It's not only about him though, is it?

Our current house is noisy but it’s also too small and poorly laid out for things like pushchair access (no storage either).

• I agreed to TTC in the basis that we would move, but DH deffo isn’t moving with any urgency and is now really enjoying his walk to work - whilst I can’t sleep 😭

I just spoke to him and pointed out exactly what I’m concerned about (he doesn’t want to compromise - all he did today was ignore the bits he had asked for and complain avoid the bits I wanted) he took it on board but very much said ‘ I won’t move to a house I don’t love’.
I pointed out that he won’t love anything that includes bits I want because it’s not EXACTLY what he wants! Also that we will never agree. Everything will either ‘need too much work‘ my opinion - or be ‘too modern’ his opinion - because we want conflicting things.

He acknowledged this but offered no resolution - simply said it might take a while but we’d find something.

I explained my urgency and desperation and how this is giving him all the control - again he acknowledged but didn’t say much.

I told him I’m happy to stay at my siblings/parents whilst we find somewhere - he was not happy about this at all but still wasn’t willing to budge or really change anything. Just thinks I should put up with not sleeping

Seriously I think you need to move out to show that you putting up with disturbed sleep every night is unacceptable!

He has reneged on the agreement and refuses to compromise that is never going to be a happy marriage long term as it breeds major resentment. Perhaps book a marriage counsellor as well so he knows this isn't something he can carry on ignoring.

How considerate willing to let his pregnant wife go with disrupted sleep so as not to inconvenience his selfish,stubborn ass. What a prince!

Pregnancy hormones on top of no sleep isn't a good combination. A few days elsewhere should get you feeling a bit better and you'll be able to think more clearly about what you want to do.

I’d call him on it, OP. Move out as soon as possible. He’s not happy with it? Tough fucking tits, if he wants to be the misogynistic king of the castle, he’ll have to do without his loyal subjects.

I rarely agree with people suggesting these sort of things but I actually think you should move to your parents or siblings now. He’s being hugely selfish to his PREGNANT WIFE - this is a time in your life when any decent partner would be doing anything he could to help prepare for the baby and the huge adjustments your lives are about to need. The fact that he won’t even consider something that isn’t 100% what he wants is a massive red flag about what kind of father he’s prepared to be. I think you need proper sleep and space to think about the relationship and he needs a bloody good shock. If you can’t go this evening then make plans and go tomorrow, don’t let this drag on as you get closer to your due date with no resolution as in this case doing nothing will simply give him exactly what he wants, yet again.

Definitely move back to your sibling/ parents. And mean it - as in actually move back as though you plan to stay there for a long time (because let's face it, finding a house and then buying it take a long time!). Maybe his stubbornness will waver when he realises that you can be stubborn too?! How selfish he is being - not the traits I'd want in a partner and new parent with me.

Does he have an ulterior motive here?

Just carrying on putting up with the house, with the noise and the no room for a pushchair, won’t work, because ultimately, it’s not going to affect him, is it? Because he won’t be getting up with the baby, trying to get the baby to sleep, or taking the baby out in the pushchair. He will get to carry on in his own way, and he will win.

I would definitely move out.

But he sent you a link to somewhere he liked this afternoon and you dismissed it because it needed too much work in your opinion, so he it trying, you're just not agreeing.

On an absolutely practical level, this is not the time to enter into house chains and I think you have got to be utterly batshit to put your house up in the current market.

Additionally, you've identified your neighbours are a nightmare, which legally you have to detail when selling so unless you sell to a student buy to let, you might actually struggle to sell your house anyway.

It's great looking at houses but actually if you submit an offer on a popular property and your own house isn't even on the market, the chances of them accepting against a proceedable buyer is slim.

You need to decide what you actually want before you walk this path.

Move back home with your parents now so that you can rest and prepare for the baby. You'll move back in with him once you've both found a home you like, and moved there. Stop suffering. Tell him your decision, talk to your parents and start moving your stuff across. Don't make yourself unhappy.

'Pregnancy hormones’ really are an excuse for being more emotional/ feeling things more intensively. Even my Dr DH agrees, they are completely justifiable and medically acknowledged. Saying pregnancy hormones aren’t an excuse to be more upset than normal is like saying pregnancy isn’t an excuse to vomit, be more tired than usual or gain weight!

That was refreshing to read. I never understand how people on a forum for mothers can routinely be so unsympathetic to pregnant women (aside from the usual internalized misogyny).

I’d leave for a few nights. I didn’t love our house when we moved in but could recognise the pros. It took a good few months for me to settle in, but now I adore it. If it’s a good size, location etc, I can’t understand his objection. Interiors can be changed. He sounds pretty selfish and I think a little silly with his idea of falling in love with a house – my experience is that that rarely happens.

Wow. So he would rather let his pregnant wife be exhausted than compromise.

Is he actually happy to let you live elsewhere rather than admit he is selfish.

I imagine he is expecting you to back down and for life to go on for him as normal.

Don't do it. Move out.

he just sent me a link to another gaudy old house in need of tons of work and I’m like 😡 NO YOU KNOW WE WILL HAVE A NEW BORN AND NO TIME TO DO DIY!!

Sounds like you simply have mismatched expectations

Well, you could always both move in with family if you go for an older property with more character but which needs some doing up

Every time you wake up with the noise. Wake him up and tell him to go round and ask them to keep the noise down. Rinse and repeat

Definitely stay away until he has sorted this out.

I’m now 16 weeks pregnant (fully planned- DH agreed we would move)

So you have fallen for his false promises before, don't do it again. No moving back until it is to a house you can consider a home. He sounds unbearably selfish if he isn't prepared to put the needs of his pregnant wife (and therefore the health of his unborn baby) first.

Wake him up every single time you wake up. If you are still there when the baby is here then wake him up each time the baby wakes up too.

I’m angry because it actually was a PERFECT compromise between everything I/he wants and he didn’t see any of that- he just shrugged his shoulders and said ‘I don’t like it’ - because he won’t like anything unless it’s WHAT HE WANTS

Sit down with him and draw up a list each of what you individually regard as must-haves in a house, a list of "desirables" and a list of features you absolutely would not tolerate. Your lists need to be the same length, eg 8 must-haves, 5 "no-ways" and 8 desirables. Watch out for double counting: the same person can't have "good condition" as a must-have while having "needs work" as a no-no.

When considering houses, rank them, by scoring 3 points for a must-have, 1 point for a desirable and then taking away three for a "no-way". Then, you'll have a way of quantifying which houses meet most your combined wishes. If nothing else, you'll be able to show that you're being reasonable and he's being obstructive, OP.

Oh, and go with stay with your sibling. You need your sleep!

People are talking about bullying but your the one moving out because he doesn't like the house you do. It is a big decision and should be joint did you say you looked at 3 houses? That is nothing. Yes you really should move but it should be somewhere you both want. Silent treatment and moving out is emotional blackmail. Do you want him to agree to the house you want but he doesn't?

And predictably there are people defending the dictatorial, bullying man and telling the op she needs to bend to his will "compromise" whilst he apparently needs to do no such thing. Because he's the man and therefore he is being victimised by not getting it all his way.

So he has to like the houses she likes or she’s leaving him?

I struggle to believe your reading comprehension is really so poor you think that's what's going on here.