To give DH silent treatment?

[DisneyMadeMeDoIt]

DH bought our house before we met. It’s a terraced with students next door but he’s a ‘heavy sleeper’!

Im not - have slept with ear plugs in for almost two years.

I’m now 16 weeks pregnant (fully planned- DH agreed we would move) and had an awful pregnancy- HG, depression + every symptom going (despite being perfectly fit/healthy before).

A group of loud teen girls have moved in next door talking, laughing, cooking, hair dryers, music, constantly setting off fire alarms cooking...etc. It’s grinding me down, I’m frequently woken up.

DH sleeps through it all whilst I suffer and I’m starting to really hate him and this house!

He is SO picky and unrealistic for our budget in our area (but he’s not willing to relocate) the few he does like are awfully old fashioned and need SO much work doing - which we will never do! (He works 60+ hours a week and has never finished a DIY job he started.)

I arranged 3 viewings this weekend, first two weren’t right but the third (today) was PERFECT!

• Price
• Location
• Size
• No work needed

Beautiful beautiful family home, ticked every box we had and I fell in love with it. DH was quiet as soon as we left, avoided asking what I thought. Then made a shitty comment about one of the bedrooms being down stairs (HE KNEW THIS BEFORE WE WENT) I’d shown him the floor plan and he pointed it out but didn’t have an issue!

It’s new to the market and it will go fast (high demand area) with very few family homes becoming available/ but I feel like he’s just dragging his feet and being an arse because our current house is right next to his work and it’s easier for him.

He’s mentioned ‘moving after baby’ a few times but I’m due in April- so we’ll have a new born during all the ‘end of term’ madness and student parties!

I feel so trapped, like I have no other choice than to just put up with everything and now I’m pregnant I have no control over anything - not even my body! On reflection I should have insisted on moving before getting pregnant.

I’m so angry at him I’m not speaking to him- which I know in part is down to my illness/hormones...he just sent me a link to another gaudy old house in need of tons of work and I’m like 😡 NO YOU KNOW WE WILL HAVE A NEW BORN AND NO TIME TO DO DIY!!

Trying to have calm conversations with him about is getting me nowhere and I’m honestly just at my wits end! Feel like packing up and moving back to my parents!

How much further is the commute to his work? If it’s ten minutes it’s fine. If it’s an hour or something I can see his point as he’s already working quite frankly far too many hours. Does he want to rein it on once dc is here? If not he will never see dc? So less salary coming in has to be a consideration too.

Put in an offer ASAP on the other house, just do it! Tel him you want some peace and quiet, and if he carries on, up sticks and leave, I would leave. This is too important to just give him silent treatment, you need to talk, or better still tell him you want that house!

I have every sympathy. Dh won't move. It was his house when we got together. We live on a main road and the noise has got worse. I can stand it. It doesn't bother him.

No, don’t wake him up, he obviously has a important job, but you also have an important job, having a baby and getting your rest is important, if he is a surgeon he should understand that. It definitely sounds like he does ever want to move until it suits him. Stick to your guns

@Derbee

I will have to wait till next weekend in that case so not an overnight solution 😂 will keep it as a last resort though.

@Elieza

About 25-35 mins dependant on traffic/start time. He 100% dictated the search boundary and this village was well inside it! He says he just doesn’t like the house but we seem to fundamentally disagree. He wants BIG, lofty high ceilings and super rural but I get left alone whilst he works nights so want somewhere cosy to feel safe. (I was sexually assaulted as a teen so feeling safe Is very important to me).

The house we saw today had high ceilings/space downstairs but cosier rooms upstairs (large space but dormer style so felt warm). So I thought wow- awesome compromise. Everything we have said we wanted it had! It was a perfect compromise between us but DH doesn’t actually want to compromise. He wants me to let him have what he wants and call it a compromise- we do this so often he doesn’t even acknowledge it!!!

I think there are two separate issues here and it is important that you separate them, I think.

1. Just as it’s not fair for you to be living in a house you hate whilst he drags his heels, equally I don’t think it’s right to give your partner the silent treatment because they don’t agree to do what you want. And I really wish pregnancy hormones were not trotted out as an excuse for questionable behaviour. I’m not saying your husband is covering himself with glory, as he clearly is not being fair either. Two wrongs don’t make a right though, and surely talking is the best way to get things resolved?

So, you need to move and his lack of urgency is unfair. He may well need to make compromises on location or style, you may have to make compromises on size or style. You need to sit down and each put forward what you NEED from this house and those things you’d LIKE, but aren’t 100% necessary. Then you each have to agree compromises that are acceptable (if you haven’t already done so).

2. you both have to like the house you move into. It’s not 100% up to you, and if he has a genuine reason then I think it would be wrong to try to force/emotionally blackmail him into buying a house he really does not like. Just as it would be unreasonable of him to try to force you into buying a house he loves but you hate.

I do see that he needs to be realistic about the amount of work that needs doing, but doing this can allow you buy something usually out of budget and add value, where buying something good to go does mean you’re probably going to be paying top whack. The compromise may be house basically sound but kitchen/bathroom a bit dated A d/or decor loveable but not 100% to your taste. Or you agree to buy a house that needs doing up, but budget for having someone to come in and do the work (so location a d size may be the compromise to get the style he likes if he’s after period home, for instance).

In the meantime OP have you spoken to the students themselves, rather than the landlord? Do they realise how inconsiderate they are being?

We’ve ended up with two students flats under us after a decade of the building being us and OAPs. It’s been SHIT. Absolute shit. Noisy little fuckers. Doors slamming, people shouting. I completely sympathise. The unoccupied flat in my stair will likely become student accommodation too.

Regardless of people being young or students there is no excuse for the total disrespect for other people around them.

If you are partners then he needs to listen to you. If he won’t listen then what kind of relationship is it? This won’t get easier when a baby arrives. You need to ensure that he listens and give him an ultimatum. I can understand he is happy in his house. Perhaps he doesn’t get how strongly you feel???

He thinks I’m being ridiculous but I’m not angry because he ‘didn’t like the house’ I’m angry because it actually was a PERFECT compromise between everything I/he wants and he didn’t see any of that- he just shrugged his shoulders and said ‘I don’t like it’ - because he won’t like anything unless it’s WHAT HE WANTS

Then maybe seperate houses is the way go, there's no law saying you have to live together.

It's all very well talking and other stuff that's being suggested. But you're not getting much sleep and personally I'd deal with that first and foremost, even if it means sleeping elsewhere while he dithers.

Pack a bag OP. Time to get away for a few mights of undisturbed sleep as you must be exhausted. See how you both feel on your return. Your time apart may make things clearer for you both. PS I’m not suggesting you run off on the huff or do this to teach him a lesson, it’s more about just getting good sleep to make sure you are strong enough to handle his pish. Sigh. I feel for you.

@jacks11

Your post is very sensible and measured but my DH simply doesn’t want to compromise and I simply don’t want to stay where we are!

‘Pregnancy hormones’ really are an excuse for being more emotional/ feeling things more intensively. Even my Dr DH agrees, they are completely justifiable and medically acknowledged. Saying pregnancy hormones aren’t an excuse to be more upset than normal is like saying pregnancy isn’t an excuse to vomit, be more tired than usual or gain weight!

You need to move before the baby comes, apart from anything else, many mortgage providers wont take your wage into account if you are on maternity leave, so you may need to wait to move after you return to work.

I would say then you won't compromise on not living here when the baby arrives. So he has to take the innitive or you will go live with your parents. Options are this house, or he looks for another house that does meet his criteria, or you rent out the current house and rent something else you can be happy in.

Be clear, doing nothing isnt an option for him, if he forces you to stay here, you'll leave him, and force a sale via a divorce.

Agree next weekend you wake him everytime they wake you.

The house we saw today had high ceilings/space downstairs but cosier rooms upstairs (large space but dormer style so felt warm). So I thought wow- awesome compromise. Everything we have said we wanted it had! It was a perfect compromise between us but DH doesn’t actually want to compromise. He wants me to let him have what he wants and call it a compromise- we do this so often he doesn’t even acknowledge it!!!

Tell him this then tell him that unless he puts an offer in on this house you are going to stay at your parents where you can sleep and get ready for the baby coming.

He’s being a selfish wanker and needs calling out on it.

OP, he certainly doesn't sound as if he has your best interests at heart.

I think you know that.

Though I think it will become even clearer when the baby arrives.

Packing up and going to your parents to get some sleep sounds like a plan.

It will become even clearer what his priorities are when you do this.

I don't believe this has come as a surprise to you.

He thinks I’m being ridiculous but I’m not angry because he ‘didn’t like the house’ I’m angry because it actually was a PERFECT compromise between everything I/he wants and he didn’t see any of that- he just shrugged his shoulders and said ‘I don’t like it’

You can't make someone like a house, even if it ticks all the boxes

If there's no compromise to be made, Disney then what the hell are you going to do?
He won't move to anything he doesn't want to move to, you don't like what he likes because of the nature of what he likes - he's never going to agree to something that suits you and if he moves to something he doesn't like (unlikely) then he's going to moan and bitch about it forEVER.

The fact that you thought you HAD found the perfect compromise and he's still refusing does just show that he won't budge on anything that isn't exactly what he wants.

Do you really want to stay with someone like this? So dictatorial and lacking in respect for anything you need/want/like? What about baby names, what about schools, what about every other thing in your life (and the baby's) - is this the way it's always going to be?

He needs to have some really strong positives elsewhere for anyone to understand why you'd actually want to stay with him, tbh!

If you move, will it be a joint mortgage? Could that be what's putting him off?

I presuming from your OP that you had both discussed the issues with the house, and he agreed that it wasn't an ideal location to bring a baby up in. You've then fallen pregnant, and he's backtracked?

That would tell me all I needed to know. He's prioritising himself over you and his unborn child. And that won't ever change.

I don't think you can ignore him or blackmail him into moving, but you do need to consider staying in a relationship where you aren't part of the equation. I have to say that I wonder how much he really loves you to be behaving like this.................. a house is bricks and mortar; a home is the people you love in it.

So basically the new place will involve an extra 1 hours commute a day - so taking his 60 hour week to 65 hours.

How long has he lived in his home?

Is your only objection to the current one the noisy students / poor soundproofing?

It doesn't sound like he wants to move. It also doesn't sound like he cares at all about your thoughts or feelings, or your wellbeing or the wellbeing of your baby.

Moving before having a baby is a LOT easier than in the months immediately after (I moved at about 36 weeks PG). You want a quiet place for a newborn. I think you have a good plan to stay elsewhere until he gets it through his thick skull that he needs to ACTUALLY compromise not just say the word "compromise" a lot (which sounds like his current plan). Maybe when he realizes this house is woefully unsuitable he'll move.

As a sidenote I lived in one of those shit terraces with single skin bricks for about 3 miserable years. I couldn't use the light switches without the woman next door making a noise complaint on one side while on the other we had student partiers. That's not the environment for a newborn because the next thing will be, come exams, the noisy students will be complaining about your crying baby and you will want to stab them for being CFs.
It took a lot to get DH to move out of that awful house but I finally managed to get him to part with the house when we found somewhere bigger. I don't know why people get attached to them but maybe it's fear of their lives changing in too many ways all at once?

You need to speak to him though and make it really, really clear (maybe in little words) that you will not live in this house with a baby and that he needs to stop vetoing every house that's suitable for a newborn baby. If he wants a project he should take up gardening or something that doesn't require you to live in a crap house with a new baby. As a doctor he should have more understanding of the fact a bad environment is a huge trigger for prenatal/postnatal depression.

I think if I was in your position I would be firstly asking to talk about when he seems reluctant to move. If that didn’t result in anything I would be waking him up every time I woke in the night. Not every night but sporadically and see what his response was. Failing that is get very very upset

sounds like your dh is very stubborn op

I don’t understand this “it’s his house” business. You’re married, therefore it’s your marital home. I’m all for separate finances (unlike most people on here) but even I find the concept of the house belonging to only one half of a married couple weird.

I think you might end up having to compromise. He doesn’t want to move at all, but allegedly he’s willing to move if you buy a house he likes. In this case I’d call his bluff. Go and look at the old fashioned, needing-work house that he likes and agree to put an offer in. Get quotes for the work to make it nice. See what he says then. You can always stay at your mum’s while the builders or decorators are in.

Sounds like he thinks he’s compromising enough as it is by moving when he doesn’t want to, so your compromise has to be letting him get the exact house that he wants. Which really isn’t fair.

Is he insistent that any work done needs to be DIY? Presumably he’s aware that he works long hours and doesn’t finish projects and will have a baby soon? You could try saying “okay, I will accept a house that needs work - but we’ll be paying someone to do that work so that needs to be reflected in what we’re paying for the house. And it also needs to be doable before the baby comes because I’m not living in a building site with a newborn.”