To give DH silent treatment?

[DisneyMadeMeDoIt]

DH bought our house before we met. It’s a terraced with students next door but he’s a ‘heavy sleeper’!

Im not - have slept with ear plugs in for almost two years.

I’m now 16 weeks pregnant (fully planned- DH agreed we would move) and had an awful pregnancy- HG, depression + every symptom going (despite being perfectly fit/healthy before).

A group of loud teen girls have moved in next door talking, laughing, cooking, hair dryers, music, constantly setting off fire alarms cooking...etc. It’s grinding me down, I’m frequently woken up.

DH sleeps through it all whilst I suffer and I’m starting to really hate him and this house!

He is SO picky and unrealistic for our budget in our area (but he’s not willing to relocate) the few he does like are awfully old fashioned and need SO much work doing - which we will never do! (He works 60+ hours a week and has never finished a DIY job he started.)

I arranged 3 viewings this weekend, first two weren’t right but the third (today) was PERFECT!

• Price
• Location
• Size
• No work needed

Beautiful beautiful family home, ticked every box we had and I fell in love with it. DH was quiet as soon as we left, avoided asking what I thought. Then made a shitty comment about one of the bedrooms being down stairs (HE KNEW THIS BEFORE WE WENT) I’d shown him the floor plan and he pointed it out but didn’t have an issue!

It’s new to the market and it will go fast (high demand area) with very few family homes becoming available/ but I feel like he’s just dragging his feet and being an arse because our current house is right next to his work and it’s easier for him.

He’s mentioned ‘moving after baby’ a few times but I’m due in April- so we’ll have a new born during all the ‘end of term’ madness and student parties!

I feel so trapped, like I have no other choice than to just put up with everything and now I’m pregnant I have no control over anything - not even my body! On reflection I should have insisted on moving before getting pregnant.

I’m so angry at him I’m not speaking to him- which I know in part is down to my illness/hormones...he just sent me a link to another gaudy old house in need of tons of work and I’m like 😡 NO YOU KNOW WE WILL HAVE A NEW BORN AND NO TIME TO DO DIY!!

Trying to have calm conversations with him about is getting me nowhere and I’m honestly just at my wits end! Feel like packing up and moving back to my parents!

So your Dr husband acknowledges baby hormones but won't acknowledge the dangers of sleep deprivation.

Our neighbourhood is littered with surgeons/anaesthetists as it falls within the recommended 15 km/20 min time frame to get to the hospital in emergency situation. Obviously if your husband wants to go extremely rural there isn't that requirement for him.

I have rubbish sleep health, and can't imagine throwing noisy neighbours, pregnancy then a baby into the mix; I'd be staying with family to get much needed sleep and support.

Buy a house that needs work and pay someone to come in and do all the week before you move in?

Do all the work before you move in, that should say

DH came to my siblings house and I explained ‘calmly and rationally’ exactly how I felt and he seemed to have processed what I’d said earlier on the phone. He seemed much more accepting that he was being ‘picky’ and that we don’t have ‘all the time in the world’ because of baby. He also agreed that he has been reluctant..etc

He seems to have done a 180 on the house from today and (although suggesting a couple of minor changes) now thinks we should proceed as it’s a great buy and compromise for us.

🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Glad you've now been able to have a sensible discussion about it!

OP

I too am a Dr- in a field where I am well aware of pregnancy hormones. They can indeed have an impact on how you feel- getting upset more easily etc- as does feeling tired and/or unwell. But, they are also very often use to excuse what is actually simply unacceptable behaviour as though this excuses it. I don’t believe this is always the case.

I would count giving your partner “ the silent treatment” because you are angry with him in the latter category. It’s not the feeling angry or upset that is unreasonable, in my view. You have a right to be annoyed that he is dragging his heels when you need to move and with regards to his seeming lack of willingness to compromise.

But good news that he has decided to make a sensible compromise.

@jacks11

I totally agree, silent treatment was not my first response though I did try to talk to him and was shot down and avoided 😂

My DH takes time to ‘process’ things which means that any initial disagreement will spiral into an argument- because he doesn’t want to have the conversation (luckily we don’t often disagree) it’s only once we’ve argued, both said our bits and (usually) I’ve gone off in a bit of a huff, that he then comes around and is ‘ready’ to talk about it calmly and openly.

We have spoken about how unhealthy this approach is but as we rarely argue (every 6 months or so) it doesn’t get addressed 😒

Result in the house front, great news OP.

Fab re house!!!

No to the silent treatment, that won't provide a solution, it will only intensify tensions. However a massive yes to going to stay for a short while with your parents because I think that is an ACTION he won't find as easy to dismiss; You've tried talking, tried reasoning, neither has yielded a positive outcome, so be proactive give him a shock and maybe then he will realise your needs are important.

Now you just need to decide what happens if (when...bloody Brexit) yours doesn't sell before the baby arrives.

Because I could now see your DH now setting an unrealistic stalling asking price.

So the girls next door had a karaoke party last night and I did wake DH up (a little smugly) at midnight to allow him to enjoy it 🙈 he was very shocked ‘this is ridiculous shall I go knock and tell them off?’ but we both put ear plugs in and went back to sleep.

My point was made though and DH has agreed a sensible asking price for this house (in line with the valuations we’ve had done) others on our street have sold within 1-2 weeks very recently (high demand city centre area) so fingers crossed we will too.

DH has told me to ring estate agents whilst he’s at work, book a second viewing and tell them we intend to make an offer within the next week (AIP dependant) he worked out the mortgage last night and the commutes to other hospitals in his area (he still rotates as not a consultant yet) this house is a very good location for most of this area!

I have a feeling this house will go fast and probably above asking price so there is a chance (even with DH on board) that we won’t get it. However I’ve told DH that if we make every effort and still don’t get it, it simply wasn’t meant for us and I’ll accept that. But him dragging his feet is what upsets me.

Tbf he was sat planning the changes he wants to make (carpet swapped for hard wood in one room...etc) and how he wants to decorate his study...so I do think he has come around and actually does like it now.

Plus he’s very logical and I showed him this house’s square footage/price compared to others in the area - he has agreed it’s a VERY good buy and we are unlikely to get another this size/price

Great update!
Fingers crossed for you.

My DH takes time to ‘process’ things which means that any initial disagreement will spiral into an argument- because he doesn’t want to have the conversation (luckily we don’t often disagree) it’s only once we’ve argued, both said our bits and (usually) I’ve gone off in a bit of a huff, that he then comes around and is ‘ready’ to talk about it calmly and openly

We have spoken about how unhealthy this approach is but as we rarely argue (every 6 months or so) it doesn’t get addressed

Your DH sounds a bit of a dick in some respects, but I'm not sure what is unhealthy about this approach, tbh. It's not as if he is refusing to discuss difficult issues, he just needs time to process. I don't think many couples resolve tricky issues of disagreement in the middle of a flaming row - you usually end up having a post-row conversation that sorts things. So your DH's approach sounds pretty normal in that respect.

PS - great news on the house

Make an offer now. It's not legally binding. But tbh you are not in a good position if your house isn't even on the market.

You and your DH need relationship counselling before the baby arrives. There simply is not the time or energy to manage a stubborn, recalcitrant person when there's a tiny baby around.

I'm very pleased that your DH seems to have seen reason.

I hope that you do get your house - although I think he might need to rethink the replacing carpet with hardwood flooring, depending on where he's talking about! But at least he's talking positively about the house now, so full speed ahead with trying to get it before anything else goes wrong!

Can I suggest that you stay at your sibling's until the offer has at least been accepted? I'd hate for him to renege on it because he thinks you've "given in".

Well done on waking him up for the karaoke party though - excellent move!

Idk I feel very odd today, have spoken to both estate agents (ours and theirs). We will have ours on the house by early next week. (Decor work is being done tomorrow and Thursday) it’s going on for a reasonable price so hopefully won’t hang around too long.

There hasn’t been any offers on the new house yet although there is another interested couple in the same situation as us.

DH hasn’t said much else. He’s currently studying for a professional exam in a few weeks. He is working today and will be studying all evening. I’m at home listening to next door shrieking and laughing 🙈😡

I feel like DH is overwhelmed and put out- but he knows I’m right about next door and won’t stand for it anymore, so he’s backed into a corner. I don’t think he’s happy tbh as feels like it’s either move house or I’ll move out 😞

I’ve never been an ‘ultimatum’ partner and have spent most of this relationship making him happy because that makes me happy. This is the first time we’ve disagree and I’ve dug my heels in!

Then it's his turn. No good comes from always bending to the will of your partner, they get stroppy when you stand your ground as they're not accustomed to it.

Does he spend time making you happy too?

Martyr alert. Why would you do that OP!?

TBH, Disn ey, it's a good thing that you're doing this now.
Because down the line, if you have disagreements about parenting your children, you can't always be kowtowing to your DH just to keep the peace ("keep him happy"), you have to do what is the BEST thing for your children. So practising now is good training!

He's not the only one who matters, you have to remember that. Your marriage should be a partnership, where each of you has equal importance, and each of your opinions has equal weight.

Yanbu to leave and live elsewhere but ignoring him is unreasonable.

Next door are partying again. Music, screaming, singing - I know it’s the afternoon but any hope of a nap (to make up for last night being woken up by them) are gone!

I just can’t carry on like this 😭 I can’t wait to move