To be astounded by how many people at work are having affairs

[Phineasdidit]

I recently took a secondment to another department (previous department was very female heavy), out of maybe 40/50 men a good 20 of them are currently having affairs. Either with colleagues, or women in other departments.

Common knowledge, not gossip.

There doesn’t seem to be any age factor or mid life crisis going on. Just an attitude of 🤷‍♀️ that’s real life.

I don’t mind saying where I work (NHS), so lots of opportunity with late nights and working closely but I’m still astounded by how open they are about it.

I also had to have an STI check and realized that whilst pregnant I could have unknowingly caught an infection which would have put my babies life at risk.

This was all behind my back and without my knowledge.

I also have a friend who had a mental breakdown when she discovered her husband had lied to her for years about an affair, and had to be hospitalised and really has never recovered.

So don’t downplay the effects everyone. It’s a serious awful damaging action, having an affair. That anyone has full choice of but their partners don’t.

If you are not happy, don’t have any sex, then either tell your partner you want an affair or leave.

Yanbu. Even more astounding than the affairs is the amount of married workers who use prostitutes, of both sexes, on the way between odd jobs or lunch breaks etc. They use ones close as possible and will literally nip out for a 20 minute shag without anyone knowing

snottysystem I just don't get how you can say it's naive to think it will never happen to you. Affairs don't just happen.

So you don't think anyone could possibly cheat on you?

too grew up in London and I too know quite a few people who have been to prison. Doesn't change my view on affairs in the slightest. Why would it?

Where did I equate the two? I simply said I can simultaneously condemn the perpetrator & have sympathy for them/their situation like in @Phineasdidit example of a dead bedroom situation.

Unless your clothes magically fall off and you find yourself in bed (or wherever) with them then you have chosen to be unfaithful.

Are you only referring to only sex as being unfaithful? I consider kissing/touching & emotional affairs as unfaithful too.

You can keep telling me I'm wrong but life isn't black & white & as the op said their are shades of grey. Imo there is a difference between someone using prostitutes or sleeping with anything with a pulse & someone like my friend. Her dc4 was in & out of hospital due to a health scare at 3 months. During this time her df suddenly died. Her dh then broke his leg & was very depressed as his job is physical & he was housebound. His mother then got diagnosed with cancer. For that entire yr they were under immense stress & exhausted. They barely spoke to each other & fought constantly. My friend went back to work & they continued in this vein, at one of her work events she got very drunk & slept with an old flame. She instantly regretted it but at least they are now in counselling & seeing what they can salvage. Yes she made a mistake but I have great sympathy for her.

NHS e.g. doctors surgeries, corporate offices and the Police are notoriously rife with affairs.

I've worked in schools in 4 different cities and a small village it's rife in teaching!! Usually student teacher and HOD or SLT and up and coming SLT!!

I used to work I banking and had a very stereotypical affair with a colleague who was my superior. My friend was also shagging our direct boss. Both the men were married in their 30s and we were single and in our 20s. When I found out his wife was pregnant I ended it (I actually believed the “we don’t have sex line” 🤣
Nowadays I work in a different sector and rarely hear of anything like this going on, Most of my colleagues are in committed relationships and don’t seem interested in cheating.

@ssd
I don't know how they can be arsed

Totally my first thought!! And Eeeeuw think people who have affairs are totally scuzzy lowlifes

It is rife in teaching. My husband has had 3 affairs with colleagues (that I know about) and he’s been unfaithful a further two times. We are now separated.
In every school we’ve worked in there have been affairs going on.

I am in my fifties and everywhere I have ever worked people were having affairs.

I am that people are about it

Married women and single men, married women and married men, married men and single women, married women and married women, pretty much every variation you can think of.

It's standard isn't it? I would say at least 50% of the staff were being unfaithful at anyone time wherever I have worked, and that has been in many different industries. Finance/Oil/Marketing/Teaching/Call Centre/Sales/Travel

I think that this comes down to the fact that single women are finding it increasingly hard to find partners - often a shag will do instead, and married men will, often fall for an easy shag, especially if you work in an environment where that can easily happen. You find many more women looking for partners on dating sites, than you find men. A lot of women I know have a list that a potential life parter needs to fit, and TBH, that rarely happens- these days, for lots of reasons, people find it easier to end marriages than they did 40 years ago, and I think that leads to people trying less to make partnerships work. I know that the ex I had at uni, and was with 10 years, is still with women he left me for, because a), I wouldn’t have him back, and b), he has had at least 3 affairs whilst with her (including her best friend), and she keeps taking him back. I always said if he fucked around on me, that would be it. I remember him begging to come back, and crying, and I just thought, F*ck you- I will not let you disrespect me like that. I’m now very happily married- my husbands wife left him for her affair partner, then begged to come back, and he, like me, said no. I think these days , too many women give in over affairs as it’s better the devil you know......

Work in the legal industry and it’s certainly common, although I wouldn’t say it’s rife. Can see how it happens with long nights away, people working closely together and seeing their colleagues more than their families. Not condoning, but can see see why people stray.

the thought of having an affair horrifies me but perhaps when i was younger i was less of a horror lol

Professionals having affairs with clients is also commonplace...i.e. solicitors, accountants, dentists, vets, doctors 🤔

Everyone always knows but couple think it is their secret. It’s pretty pathetic and awkward for everyone else. Remember making small talk with my flat mate bosses wife she’d just had their third child he was often at our flat shagging my flat mate who was a junior associate in his team. Awful that I practically a stranger knew this fact that would blow her life up if she knew. Felt quite grubby.

I haven't noticed any affairs in my field (engineering). Colleagues getting together, yes for sure, but not an affair culture. Maybe it's down to the fact that being respected by your peers is something sought and you wouldn't be respected if you have a lack of integrity. Or maybe I'm completely blind to hidden affairs!

I think once one person starts, they all want a bit on the side.

It’s rife and not unusual, and as a 45 year old in a long term relationship I find it quite unsettling (now I’m statistically likely to be the older woman losing out here). But the point is that this isn’t just about sex - it’s about power: and abuse of power. We live in a patriarchal society and it’s no surprise the senior men and up fucking the junior women. it’s a power trip and a reassurance of status. Trouble is that women never win at that game.

Yeah 50% sounds about right - I think it more or less scales down too.

My company has 7 employees and 3 are having affairs, 3 are not (as far as I know) and 1 is single (me).

I look down on anyone having an affair at work. All that bollocks about building engagement between organisations and their employees, and then two people are engaging each other for a cheap shag. It is just about the most pathetic thing a human can do.

I haven't cheated because I have a very good husband. He doesn't cheat because he is very shy and prefers to avoid people

Christ I think I'll just stay single...

@snottysystem I was saying that I could be 100% certain that I would not been unfaithful. Unless I misunderstood you, you seemed to say that no one can be 100% certain that they won't be unfaithful and I was saying well I can.

Yes I do consider kissing etc as infidelity too but the posts on here are really about sex aren't they and, as I said, someone's clothes do not just fly off them do they?

I have totally been in a situation where some people would have said it was fairly ok to have an affair, I was living with someone who I was pretty sure was seeing someone else plus we had not had sex for over 2 years (we were only in our 20's so not usual). We were both pretty unhappy in our relationship but at the time could not just split up. A guy I worked with made it pretty clear he was interested in me and if I had not been living with someone I would have been interested in him. He was good looking, intelligent and we got on well. No way though was I going to go any further than chatting and having a laugh at work. It's just not me.

Unless it offends you people or you are being asked to lie to cover up for. What is your problem and it is none of your business? Women you know could be having affairs but are more discrete.

You tend to find that affairs become less common the further up you go in an organisation, simply because when you’re recruiting someone to put in front of shareholders you need someone who is squeaky clean. I have known people get removed from CEO shortlists because they were divorced, or even because there was a rumour of an affair years ago.

I've been in the NHS 11 years, one assistant psychologist left her boyfriend for another assistant psychologist but they were all only early 20s so I'm not sure it counts as an affair as such.

Also I know one GP who had an affair with the practice nurse, it was very sad actually, his wife was an alcoholic nutter he was too scared to leave, he ended the affair but always pined after the nurse and then he got cancer and died.

I don't work in a hospital though, maybe that makes a difference?

So this is why the NHS has a bed shortage