To be astounded by how many people at work are having affairs

[Phineasdidit]

I recently took a secondment to another department (previous department was very female heavy), out of maybe 40/50 men a good 20 of them are currently having affairs. Either with colleagues, or women in other departments.

Common knowledge, not gossip.

There doesn’t seem to be any age factor or mid life crisis going on. Just an attitude of 🤷‍♀️ that’s real life.

I don’t mind saying where I work (NHS), so lots of opportunity with late nights and working closely but I’m still astounded by how open they are about it.

I used to work in hospitality. Long days and unsociable hours were an excellent environment for all sorts of affairs and relationships. I was quite naive at the beginning but the first work night out was a bit of an eye opener. Overall, I do think that affairs are a lot more common than we would think.
Me personally, I just couldn’t be arsed with it. Life’s busy enough, I like my evenings with Netflix

YY, I also had a female, single colleague who kept setting her sights on senior staff members. One of them was married with a child and she kept bragging about how they were flirting. My eyes were just rolling out of their sockets.

She just had this obsession with getting together with a senior member of staff for some bizarre reason and he was her target that particular day. I don't think anything came of it tbh, as his PA laughed her leg off at the idea - my flirty colleague really wasn't getting anywhere according to the PA and was devoted to his beautiful wife.

I'll second that medical conferences are full of men with "zipper trouble". On the flight out to my first one as a young 20s women the senior management men toasted each other and all took their wedding rings off. My mouth was on the floor. 25 years later it's just par for the course. The faithful ones who are still on wife 1 are the exception not the norm.

In film/TV with long hours, lots of working away on location I’d say it’s over 50% for the women as well as the men.

I’m nhs too, theatres. Its unbelievable the amount of flirting that goes on during surgery.

I have worked in theatres for over 12 years and have seen loads of banter and laughs and temper tantrums, but not flirting.

I don't know of anyone having an affair just to balance it out. As well as all of the moral etc reasons how does anyone fit an affair in? Or stay awake long enough? Am I in the wrong job?

I don’t think it’s just at work, it’s everywhere. Many people have affairs with people they share interests/hobbies with. I know a landlady from a local small town and she says half her regulars are shagging each other! Maybe some people just aren’t suited to monogamy, maybe a lot think the grass is just that bit shinier on the other side? My husband is a civil engineer on the roads, a while ago he and his co-workers found themselves working outside a brothel, he said that there were smartly dressed men going in all day, around 4 an hour. Given the choice, I would rather dh had an affair than visit a prostitute!

it’s married men shagging single women

Friend of mine, very cynically after a nasty break-up with a serial shagger, took it upon herself to prove that all married/coupled men will take the opportunity to have sex/an affair if sufficiently worked upon.

Sadly, she scored 100% success rate and her rather cynical view of men's lack of any kind of fidelity was proven. And these were "nice" men, apparently committed to partners.

Common knowledge, not gossip

Lol at this!

I work in an organisation employing 12,000 people and I honestly couldn't tell you who is having an affair. But I can't be arsed and don't have time for gossip.

I'm in analytics so maybe there is a positive correlation between incidence of gossip and number of affairs and a corresponding negative correlation with low number of minutes per day people do actual work

I think a lot of affairs happen because they are distracting, exciting, an escape from the monotony of work, raising kids, eating, sleeping etc.

I don’t think monogamy is our default setting tbh. Add in normal mundane life, small children, stress and opportunity to cheat....

So my next question is why so many people get married?! You can replicate most of the pros of being married and stay single and not deal with the cons at all. Societal expectations?

@daisychain01, not gossip in the sense that two people who have no need to hold meetings or work together but always have the same 2 hr slot blacked out on their diaries. The doctor caught with his pants down in the clean utility room. The director of operations seen driving around with the PA from another division.

Not idle gossip at all!

I've always worked in the NHS and never seen this disappointed

Is it specialty dependent? We've always commented how unlike TV medical dramas our lives are as nobody is good looking and no-one is shagging anyone else. Too bloody tired for one thing.

I'm naturally very monogamous, only ever had long relationships which started as friendships, never had a one night stand or a fling. Met dh young but didn't marry till a bit older as I wanted to be sure. Perhaps I'm unusual though, maybe marriage is still seen as one of those tick box exercises. I also think a lot of people who have affairs don't necessarily want to end their marriage & assume it won't come out.

So my next question is why so many people get married?! You can replicate most of the pros of being married and stay single and not deal with the cons at all.

Boringly, for us, it was pensions. We live in a remote part of the UK, I earn a fraction of what DH does (his job brought us here), he has two final salary pensions, one of which is a Forces on, and if he died without us being married I wouldn't see a penny from them.

I don’t think monogamy is our default setting tbh.

I think it can be if you are the type to want to stay together.
However, just like the animal kingdom I do think it's more likely that man impregnates woman, woman happy with kids add in a career too, no time for man anymore, got what she wants, man moves on to impregnate next woman, repeat.

You don't have to be married to be monogamous and you don't have to be monogamous to be married!

We got married for religious and tax purposes. Much easier to do it in one go, with a marriage, than to do all the bits and bobs, sorting pension, trying not to pay IHT when one of us dies etc.

If we wanted an open relationship now, we wouldn't get divorced. I just wouldn't have one because I'd be worried about pregnancy by another man / woman and STIs.

I was in the armed forces for 10 years and Im not shocked by this. I'd say of the men I met 60/70% had affairs or had cheated on their wife/girlfriend. The attitude there was very accepting of it.

I either live in a bubble or am very naive or unobservant because I don't know anyone who has ever had an affair, or whose partner has, and I've never worked anywhere that I've been aware of a workplace affair. As I said, maybe I'm just missing the obvious right in front of my eyes!

I think monogamy works better when people actually have enough time together to stay bonded. Working long hours away from each other is a recipe to be open to other opportunities. I've seen it over and over. Wife stays home to facilitate his high earning career. She is burnt out on kids and resentful. He's burnt out on working and hates coming home to a resentful wife. Neither can see nor appreciate the others contribution. He starts having affairs and she either turns a blind eye or they go through an acrimonious divorce. Best case he makes enough and cares enough to carry on supporting her and their kids. He realises all he's lost and eventually marries wife 2 who may or may not have been the OW. Despite what Mumsnet says he then tends to be a far more devoted father and husband the second time round. He starts working from home more, curbs the traveling etc. He's older now and done with the grinding bit of his career. There are those that will go on to repeat the pattern but in my experience those are far more rare.

I think we'd be better off with pre-marital counselling for all. And for a lot people a 'business marriage' where you agree to other partners but stay a family unit would actually work. Just shouting moral outrage doesn't work.

From a financial sense it's prudent to get married although maybe not if one partner is wealthy!

I think monogamy works better when people actually have enough time together to stay bonded. Working long hours away from each other is a recipe to be open to other opportunities. I've seen it over and over. Wife stays home to facilitate his high earning career. She is burnt out on kids and resentful. He's burnt out on working and hates coming home to a resentful wife. Neither can see nor appreciate the others contribution. He starts having affairs and she either turns a blind eye or they go through an acrimonious divorce. Best case he makes enough and cares enough to carry on supporting her and their kids. He realises all he's lost and eventually marries wife 2 who may or may not have been the OW. Despite what Mumsnet says he then tends to be a far more devoted father and husband the second time round. He starts working from home more, curbs the traveling etc. He's older now and done with the grinding bit of his career. There are those that will go on to repeat the pattern but in my experience those are far more rare.

I think we'd be better off with pre-marital counselling for all. And for a lot people a 'business marriage' where you agree to other partners but stay a family unit would actually work. Just shouting moral outrage doesn't work.

At a company i worked for (A major Global Blue Chip), Following a post conference night of socialising in the hotel, there was a rape allegation and a male employee was charged and jailed.

The NHS doesn't surprise me ,it was rife when I was working in mental health ,I think it's a mixture of things ,shifts ,night shifts , the job itself is stressful.and traumatic at times

@steppenmum I agree with you & see a lot of resentment amongst my friends. I had it on maternity leave & was much happier when I returned to work. We had some counselling pre marriage as we are catholic's, I was quite dismissive of it at the time but looking back it was actually quite helpful. We had discussions about money, kids, parents, parenting styles, etc.