Me and H have a long weekend planned with friends. It's been planned for some time so that we can have a bit of fun in what has been a horrible few years.
We've had 7 pregnancy losses so far. All at varying stages, some more traumatic than others. The last was bloody awful involved a hospital stay where I was quite ill and sent me spiralling into a horrid state of mind for which I'm now taking anti depressants.
The weekend ahead has quite a few actives that wouldn't be suitable for a pregnant person.
The thing is, I KNOW I'm pregnant. I've not taken a test. But I just know. After this many times I can tell, sore breasts, late period, constipation, tugs and pulls down below etc... I'm very good at listening to my body now after everything we've been through.
But I'm so fucking sick of missing out on things because of a pregnancy that never lasts anyway. I'm sick of missing happy occasions, drinks with friends, activities etc.. which end up being for no reason. I feel resentful but it's no one's fault but my own.
I still want to go on this weekend away even though I know I shouldn't. I don't want to tell H or take a test because then I wouldn't be able to.
It's so incredibly selfish but I'm so fucking mad at this whole situation that I can't bring myself to change plans when I just know it will all likely be for nothing in a few weeks time.
I keep telling myself it's fine because lots of people wouldn't even know at this stage and would carry on doing whatever they were doing but I do know. I know and I still want to anyway. I feel horrible for it.