I already know I'm being unreasonable but I still want to do it

[Frizzabeth]

Me and H have a long weekend planned with friends. It's been planned for some time so that we can have a bit of fun in what has been a horrible few years.

We've had 7 pregnancy losses so far. All at varying stages, some more traumatic than others. The last was bloody awful involved a hospital stay where I was quite ill and sent me spiralling into a horrid state of mind for which I'm now taking anti depressants.

The weekend ahead has quite a few actives that wouldn't be suitable for a pregnant person.

The thing is, I KNOW I'm pregnant. I've not taken a test. But I just know. After this many times I can tell, sore breasts, late period, constipation, tugs and pulls down below etc... I'm very good at listening to my body now after everything we've been through.

But I'm so fucking sick of missing out on things because of a pregnancy that never lasts anyway. I'm sick of missing happy occasions, drinks with friends, activities etc.. which end up being for no reason. I feel resentful but it's no one's fault but my own.

I still want to go on this weekend away even though I know I shouldn't. I don't want to tell H or take a test because then I wouldn't be able to.

It's so incredibly selfish but I'm so fucking mad at this whole situation that I can't bring myself to change plans when I just know it will all likely be for nothing in a few weeks time.

I keep telling myself it's fine because lots of people wouldn't even know at this stage and would carry on doing whatever they were doing but I do know. I know and I still want to anyway. I feel horrible for it.

I'd go but not do any of the 'risky' things.

The guilt if anything happened wouldn't be worth it imo.

@verily1 really ? ? so does that mean every time you have unprotected sex you should not drink for a few weeks just in case you are pregnant ? I am certain that does not happen in 90% of peoples lives . So I think your post also was cruel and unadvised .

And I hope this is the one that sticks 🤞

I'm so sorry for your losses ❤️ Not so many years ago, women wouldn't even know they were pregnant this early on. There's not much you can't do at this stage, the only thing I'd avoid is any heavy lifting. Just go and enjoy yourself, it will do you good to relax. If the pregnancy is meant to be, it's meant to be.

OP, I mean this kindly, but you can’t put your life on hold.

As you have found out the hard way, there are no guarantees in life, you could cancel this weekend away and still lose the pregnancy.

The feeling of desperation for a baby is all too overwhelming but you also need to have a life. Because nobody knows what the future holds.

A couple of drinks in early pregnancy are unlikely to have any impact. Bearing in mind that an awful lot of women fall pregnant when they’re not TTC, and a lot TTC for some time before actually falling pregnant and of those some will be drinking over the weekend, in fact some of those pregnancies will have been conceived while under the influence of alcohol.

And other advice is over caution and nothing more.

people are advised not to eat soft cheese because of the potential chance of lesteria. Bearing in mind that most of us will never actually contract lesteria during our whole lives, it’s highly, highly unlikely that eating soft cheese during pregnancy will result in listeria. But the advice is there just as as a precaution.

Similarly eggs and rare meat. Although I don’t remember rare meat being a thing when I was pregnant, just as well really, since I like a nice medium/rare steak, and well-done is an abomination, .

Of course large quantities of alcohol during and throughout a pregnancy are going to have a potential impact, but we’re talking a couple of nights away here not every weekend down at the local and rolling home at closing time.

The only thing I would say though is, when is this weekend away? Because if it’s a few weeks away then I would question whether it’s the right thing to do to withhold a possible pregnancy from your DH, even though I understand your motives for wanting to do so. If you are pregnant and you lose the pregnancy after the weekend, is your DH likely to be very hurt that you kept it from him? I would think about that part at least.

@Frizzabeth I was in your position once and decided to just enjoy a night out that had been planned. First sip of alcohol made me heave! Couldn't drink a drop.

Enjoy your weekend and good luck. He is now 15.

I wouldn't. I have been trying to conceive for over ten years so I do get it. The reason why I wouldn't is simply because you said you have been blaming and hating yourself over previous losses. If you miscarried next week you would likely blame yourself and be eaten up by guilt. You've implied that the fact that it is unconfirmed that allows you to think what the hell. That to me means if it was confirmed, you would feel bad about your choices. I don't think that would go away once it is. But of course, you know yourself best and know whether I am right or not.

Incidentally, I would get this investigated more if it does end the same way. A friend of mine kept having miscarriages and went to see a private specialist. It was something to do with her blood and she now has two little boys

Go and enjoy yourself, I reckon! It's so early there's no risk from physical activity, unless you were badly injured yourself. And you should enjoy a drink or two without feeling guilty, too. If you are of and it's a good'un, nothing you do will shake it loose. And what a tale you'll have to tell your child later!

I lost four in a row and then had twins; I was so fatalistic because I believed my body couldn't possibly hold onto two when it kept failing with one, but they were fine.

Good luck for a happy outcome. 🤞

I've had two miscarriages, and my consultant pointed out that a healthy fetus will be fine through famine, fire and flood! As you say things are already determined for you at the point of conception, and having a few drinks this early will not affect the outcome at all. Go and enjoy yourself, sounds like you really need this for your mental well-being!

Logically you'd know that if you misscarried it wouldn't be because of this weekend, but that's presuming that grief and anger and blame are logical, which often they aren't.

So the question really is (a) do you think you'd be logical enough not to blame yourself and (b) knowing that there's a high risk of miscarriage, would you rather risk feeling to blame for this one (if it happened) or feeling angry that you missed out on something lovely for You, with no benefit

There's no rights and wrongs to this, it depends on how you feel.

My brother has FAS. You know why? Because our mother is a raging alcoholic.
Go!! Enjoy yourself. You deserve it. I'm so sorry for your losses and wish you all the best.

I'd enjoy myself but probably not over do it. So I'd have a few drinks but not be getting pissed every night, etc. You deserve a break and at this early stage I doubt itll make a difference.

@Frizzabeth go. Do it. You won't do anything to make you miscarry - your body does that for you [brilliant I know]

Just go. You can't put your life on hold forever and PP who mentioned guilt . That's no way to talk to OP.

I’d do all the activities for sure but I think to strongly believe you may be pregnant and drink would be highly irresponsible. Are you taking vitamins (folic acid etc)?

Haven't RTFT but unless you're going bungee jumping, cigar chaining and vodka swilling, go for if

I am so sorry you’ve been through such an awful time. You must go and enjoy yourself. Nothing is certain at the moment and you’ll be majorly pissed off if you don’t go and it turns out you’re not pregnant. Have a wonderful time. If I could I’d buy you a large drink

Go and have your lovely glass of wine with dinner. and enjoy yourself.You already said they know what the cause of the miscarriages are.So what you do or dont do,wont matter.

I really hope this little bean sticks.You sound an amazing woman.

You poor thing. I can totally relate. I've been there and gone through with plans (although I have told my DH, just because if I needed a 'get out' he would be on side). As much as we all know what is the best way to behave in pregnancy, putting your life on hold while going through everything you have just doesn't seem fair, and as others have said many people don't even know in the very early stages. I hope you manage to go and have a fab weekend, and that if you are pregnant this will be the one that sticks.

I'd go. I cant really think of any activity that will hurt a foetus in early pregnancy. Have a couple of drinks and see how you feel (I always wanted one and had a couple but didnt actually massively enjoy it as much as I thought I would). It sounds like a bit of normality would do you good

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Think about the reasons why activities are unsuitable for pregnant ladies - it's because the baby could be damaged. If you go on a roller coaster at, say, 5 months +, the harness will press on the baby. If you're ziplining, you could have a reasonable impact. etc. etc.

At your stage of pregnancy, the baby is fewer than 100 cells; it will be embedded in the womb lining, it doesn't have a placenta yet. It's about as protected as it can be. Riding a horse isn't going to hurt it. Doing fun activities isn't going to hurt it. Even a glass of wine isn't going to hurt it (no direct blood supply at this point).

Assuming you're not having a drugs binge and doing stuff that's actually dangerous, I would go ahead and enjoy.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

Personally I wouldnt. You have continued to try so I imagine this is a result you really want. I totally understand why you're feeling as you are but if something happened after the weekend it would make things worse not better. You sound as though the previous losses have had a really detrimental impact on your mental health - quite understandably - and I think maybe that is affecting your judgement. Think about it a bit more. And I'm so sorry you are having this experience xx

I should say it's not that I think that doing the activities will make you miscarry I'm just worried about what it would do to your mental health if you did and may blame yourself etc. Xx

Go and have fun.

The day before I got a BFP I went and got ratarsed in Blackpool and went on every ride twice.

DS was fine.

As long as you know that if the worst occurs again its not your fault and you can stick to that mentally then go for it. I wouldn't want you blaming yourself for something that could have been completely unrelated.

I would go and have a great time.

You've done careful and still had the same sad outcome.
Maybe being carefree will bring about a different one.

I'm sorry for your losses

I wouldn’t drink alcohol if I thought I might be pregnant. I’d worry that if my child had any problems later on that it may have been caused by the alcohol. It’s one thing to drink if you don’t know you are pregnant but it’s quite another doing it if you think you are. I’m sure the risks are low but I know if my kid had any learning or behavioral issues I would feel horrible knowing I had chosen to have a drink.

The NHS guidance is clear
The Chief Medical Officers for the UK recommend that if you're pregnant or planning to become pregnant, the safest approach is not to drink alcohol at all to keep risks to your baby to a minimum

That’s pretty clear to me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If I were you OP I would take a test. Would you still make the decision to drink if you knew for certain you were pregnant?

Surely you can still go on the weekend and have a great time without drinking.

Can you not go, enjoy yourself, but keep off the alcohol?