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Original poster

I already know I'm being unreasonable but I still want to do it

182 replies

Frizzabeth · 12/10/2019 12:48

Me and H have a long weekend planned with friends. It's been planned for some time so that we can have a bit of fun in what has been a horrible few years.

We've had 7 pregnancy losses so far. All at varying stages, some more traumatic than others. The last was bloody awful involved a hospital stay where I was quite ill and sent me spiralling into a horrid state of mind for which I'm now taking anti depressants.

The weekend ahead has quite a few actives that wouldn't be suitable for a pregnant person.

The thing is, I KNOW I'm pregnant. I've not taken a test. But I just know. After this many times I can tell, sore breasts, late period, constipation, tugs and pulls down below etc... I'm very good at listening to my body now after everything we've been through.

But I'm so fucking sick of missing out on things because of a pregnancy that never lasts anyway. I'm sick of missing happy occasions, drinks with friends, activities etc.. which end up being for no reason. I feel resentful but it's no one's fault but my own.

I still want to go on this weekend away even though I know I shouldn't. I don't want to tell H or take a test because then I wouldn't be able to.

It's so incredibly selfish but I'm so fucking mad at this whole situation that I can't bring myself to change plans when I just know it will all likely be for nothing in a few weeks time.

I keep telling myself it's fine because lots of people wouldn't even know at this stage and would carry on doing whatever they were doing but I do know. I know and I still want to anyway. I feel horrible for it.

OP posts:
Quitedrab · 12/10/2019 13:51

Is fetal alcohol syndrome not a thing any more? Honest question. My last pregnancy was six years ago, and in those days nobody had any alcohol for fear of damaging the foetus. But here everyone's saying go drink! What has changed?

RB68 · 12/10/2019 13:51

Sorry I don't get it - I was lucky to carry one baby to term, would have loved a larger family but not meant to be. The first three months are most critical in terms of the effect something like alcohol can have. I think you know in your heart of hearts that you need to not drink - by all means have a laugh go on the less wild rides. You do not want to inflict fetal alcohol syndrome on your baby should it be the only one that survives. It really is a tiny sacrifice, is it really worth that risk?

Passthecherrycoke · 12/10/2019 13:53

“Don't knowingly drink when pregnant? What if you have the baby and there's anything at all wrong with her? You'll feel stupid and guilty forever. Take the test. Don't do it, OP.”

I don’t get this. I drank a few days before my positive test then in small amounts once I was 20 weeks plus.

If there was anything wrong at all with my baby I wouldn’t have blamed myself for drinking alcohol or felt either stupid or guilty. Am I just more intelligent than you?

Quitedrab · 12/10/2019 13:55

Am I just more intelligent than you?

Probably.

anothernamejeeves · 12/10/2019 13:55

Good grief a couple of drinks and people are frothing about FAS?

Passthecherrycoke · 12/10/2019 13:57

Well then I imagine OP is too quitedrab

Josephinebettany · 12/10/2019 13:58

Can you not go and just have two drinks and leave out some of the unsuitable activities?

ShirleyPhallus · 12/10/2019 13:59

fetal alcohol syndrome is as a result of sustained, heavy drinking that is ongoing throughout pregnancy. It isn’t as a result of a few glasses of wine on a weekend away.

In the early days, if a pregnancy is not viable it won’t continue. 90% of miscarriages in early days are as a result of chromosomal abnormalities

Quitedrab · 12/10/2019 14:02

Just putting this here for reference. Good luck op.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/alcohol-medicines-drugs-pregnant/

StCharlotte · 12/10/2019 14:02

Oh you poor love.

I put off an awful lot when I was trying (and failing) to have a baby. I learnt fairly soon that life must go on and not to put ANY plans on hold.

I wouldn't do a test until after the weekend away so I couldn't be accused (mostly by my own self!) of lying. I might try and rein in the drinking a bit though.

Enjoy your weekend away and hopefully you'll be pleasantly surprised... Smile

OMGshefoundmeout · 12/10/2019 14:02

I’d go. As people have said, you’ve been good and it hasn’t helped. And really , you don’t properly know you are pregnant - it could be wishful thinking. As you yourself have said, don’t let your completely understandable longing to be pregnant stop you having a life.

Go, have a blast and I hope you soon get the result you want.

Croquembou · 12/10/2019 14:06

My husband gave me this advice for today - 'just drink some nice red wine and don't do vodka shots through your eyeballs' - which I will pass along to you in the hope you have a lovely time.

notangelinajolie · 12/10/2019 14:06

I think you should go. I think after 7 miscarriages you don't need anyone telling you that wrapping yourself up in cotton wool will determine whether or not this pregnancy will result in baby. Go and have a bit of fun and relax - banish the worry and stress for a few days at least Flowers

userabcname · 12/10/2019 14:09

Just go! Enjoy a few drinks. Enjoy your weekend. Test next week and I have everything crossed for you that you get your bfp and have a happy, healthy pregnancy.

Verily1 · 12/10/2019 14:10

Drinking in the first few days after conception is the most dangerous- look up fetal alcohol syndrome if you dont believe me.

But still go and have fun.

FizzyGreenWater · 12/10/2019 14:11

OP, reading what you have gone through, my very considered response is

BUGGER IT ALL AND FUCKING GO.

Yes, sounds like you are pregnant. Also sounds like the chances are that you may well miscarry. Bottom line is - at this very early stage, drinking is not going to have any effect on that, nor is it going to have any effect on the health of a baby if the pregnancy continued. There is no placenta attachment yet, there's barely anything. Realistically, it will make no difference.

What might just make a difference though - if you are going to have more hills to climb and more fighting to do on what is undoubtedly a horrible journey - is having a weekend like this where you let it go, where you take a mental break from it all, where you put yourself first and have a laugh. That could make all the difference. It sounds like it needs to happen, tbh.

You need - NEED - a break if you are going to have the strength to keep going in the longer term.

ShirleyPhallus · 12/10/2019 14:14

Drinking in the first few days after conception is the most dangerous- look up fetal alcohol syndrome if you dont believe me.

This is such utter crap honestly

Passthecherrycoke · 12/10/2019 14:15

“Verily1

Drinking in the first few days after conception is the most dangerous- look up fetal alcohol syndrome if you dont believe me.

But still go and have fun.”

This is uneducated nonsense. Shame on your peddling such crap

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/10/2019 14:15

Drinking in the first few days after conception is the most dangerous- look up fetal alcohol syndrome if you dont believe me

Well this is just a big pile of steaming cow shite.

SusieOwl4 · 12/10/2019 14:16

@tiajon what a rubbish post . The OP is not advocation drinking heavily through a pregnancy so your comment was inappropriate and quite cruel .

everything in moderation until you know for sure but go and enjoy yourself you deserve it .

Dowser · 12/10/2019 14:17

Congratulations op
Here’s to you having a lovely healthy baby
Go an dhave your weekend and have a laugh..just have a couple of glasses wine spread over the evening
I didn’t drink with my first two and like you I knew within three weeks I was pregnant
With my first the Valium went down the toilet
With my second the mogadon went down the toilet
With my third I wasn’t on any prescription drugs
I had a couple of glasses of port and lemon with my third when socialising
He was born with a cleft lift and palate and turned in feet and tight clenched hands
No way was a couple of glasses of alcohol to blame for that

So go and enjoy and go steady

FizzyGreenWater · 12/10/2019 14:18

Drinking in the first few days after conception is the most dangerous- look up fetal alcohol syndrome if you dont believe me

Yep, definitely do look up FAS in order to discover that this comment is absolute bullshit - I just did! Thanks Verily1 for (unwittingly) educating me! Grin

greenlynx · 12/10/2019 14:18

It’s might cause a problem with your DH later. He will probably notice that you drink less and behave differently in general and question it.
I would do a test and if it’s positive I would go but wouldn’t drink. I can’t see a problem with this.

QueenofPain · 12/10/2019 14:19

I’d go!

Original poster
Frizzabeth · 12/10/2019 14:19

Thanks all. For those asking, we do know the cause already and the hospital is doing what they can which is not very much unfortunately. The losses were tested and it is a genetic condition that was discovered I have.

The chances are, apparently, that I will eventually have a healthy pregnancy. But the losses were predetermined at the point of conception.

OP posts: