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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I already know I'm being unreasonable but I still want to do it

182 replies

Frizzabeth · 12/10/2019 12:48

Me and H have a long weekend planned with friends. It's been planned for some time so that we can have a bit of fun in what has been a horrible few years.

We've had 7 pregnancy losses so far. All at varying stages, some more traumatic than others. The last was bloody awful involved a hospital stay where I was quite ill and sent me spiralling into a horrid state of mind for which I'm now taking anti depressants.

The weekend ahead has quite a few actives that wouldn't be suitable for a pregnant person.

The thing is, I KNOW I'm pregnant. I've not taken a test. But I just know. After this many times I can tell, sore breasts, late period, constipation, tugs and pulls down below etc... I'm very good at listening to my body now after everything we've been through.

But I'm so fucking sick of missing out on things because of a pregnancy that never lasts anyway. I'm sick of missing happy occasions, drinks with friends, activities etc.. which end up being for no reason. I feel resentful but it's no one's fault but my own.

I still want to go on this weekend away even though I know I shouldn't. I don't want to tell H or take a test because then I wouldn't be able to.

It's so incredibly selfish but I'm so fucking mad at this whole situation that I can't bring myself to change plans when I just know it will all likely be for nothing in a few weeks time.

I keep telling myself it's fine because lots of people wouldn't even know at this stage and would carry on doing whatever they were doing but I do know. I know and I still want to anyway. I feel horrible for it.

OP posts:
SouthWestmom · 12/10/2019 19:21

After seven losses do you not qualify for medical assessment? Are you receiving care to understand why?

I'd go for the weekend and never test tbh.

carlywurly · 12/10/2019 19:28

Go and have fun. I jumped out of a tree with a fan thing strapped to me at center parcs while a few days pg with ds. I suspected I was but hadn't tested. He's gorgeous but bonkers and I often blame it on that Wink

Wishing you all the very best Thanks

Original poster
Frizzabeth · 12/10/2019 19:29

Noeuf, I know why. It's a genetic condition I have. None of the pregnancies would have survived out of the womb due to genetic problems

OP posts:
Unknownanon · 12/10/2019 19:49

Sometimes you need to to something for you, to relax and decompress. I had a few drinks when i was unsure but suspecting. I was half convinced i was imagining things and needed to have fun for me. Good luck.

HauntedPinecone · 12/10/2019 19:59

Frizzabeth, if you take one thing from this thread then take this. Do what you want. The world (internet) is full of judgemental arsehole 'experts'. None of them are you. You sound like you need a blow out weekend. Go have one. You are YOU. You're a person and you're needs and wants are valid.

SouthWestmom · 12/10/2019 20:03

Well that sounds awful but surely they should refer you to a geneticist? You can't just keep getting pregnant and waiting to see?

Still voting you go.

OkayGo · 12/10/2019 20:12

I would go. I went out to two separate parties and got VERY drunk in the two weekends before I found out I was pregnant. You aren't lying because you don't actually know for sure yet.

Original poster
Frizzabeth · 12/10/2019 20:15

Well that sounds awful but surely they should refer you to a geneticist

They have, unfortunately all they can do is tell me to keep trying and to monitor each pregnancy closely. They can't stop it from happening Sad

OP posts:
lljkk · 12/10/2019 20:18

I thought OP was gonna announce it was something truly impossible, like many rounds in a MMA tournament.
I can't really relate to needing to drink a lot to fit in. I reckon I could many ways to seem to be drinking my usual amount without any of it being alcoholic.
Hope you find a good way thru.

EEverDecreasingCircles · 12/10/2019 20:18

I believe, if you live your life, embrace & enjoy it, the rest will follow, good vibes bring magical things.
As has been previously said, you have done all other options with awful outcomes, we only have 1 life, believe & it will be ❤️
All the very best

bluebunny123 · 12/10/2019 20:24

I would go op. Enjoy yourself it's not like you're going on a bender. And if this pregnancy isn't to be then there's nothing you could've done anyway. Please update us when you find out hope it's the answer you want Thanks

fishonabicycle · 12/10/2019 20:28

Drinking is fine (as long as bit to excess). Loads of people don't know they are pregnant for weeks and drink/exercise/ do whatever.

UndomesticHousewife · 12/10/2019 22:41

I drank quite heavily (and smoked) in very early pregnancy with dc1 as I didn't know, it was fine certainly no fas ConfusedHmm
I lost 2 babies at around 6-7 weeks and I didn't drink one thing in either of those pregnancies.

Go and have a good time

ViciousJackdaw · 13/10/2019 00:29

Billions and billions of women, ever since alcohol was a 'thing' will have drank without knowing they were pregnant and have gone on to have perfectly healthy children.

Some will have got completely shitfaced on more than once occasion. Some will have done all manner of illegal drugs. They still had healthy babies.

Remember it wasn't all that long ago that pregnant women were advised to have a couple of bottles of Guinness each week. Their babies? Absolutely fine.

You and DH bloody well deserve to let your hair down, go forth and have fun!

Dieu · 13/10/2019 00:39

Wouldn't it be just so typical if the one pregnancy - where you didn't look after yourself quite as much - took hold?!
I really, really hope it works out for you this time, and be kind to yourself in the meantime x

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 13/10/2019 00:48

Just go and drink in moderation -as we all should You really sound like you need this break. As for telling your dh, well there's nothing to tell until you do a test.

Djimino · 13/10/2019 01:06

Billions and billions of women, ever since alcohol was a 'thing' will have drank without knowing they were pregnant and have gone on to have perfectly healthy children

The OP does know though and what if she drinks and her child is one of the many children today who suffers from a mental or physical or behaviour issue. Wouldn't she just feel awful and wouldn't she worry that her choosing to drink 'may' have had an effect.

Chances are the baby will be fine but what if it wasn't?

I'm surprised with some of the reasoning in this thread. I know loads of people who drank in early pregnancy went on to have healthy baby but why on earth would you deliberately gamble with your kids health.

BravoStrong · 13/10/2019 01:11

I agree with @ShirleyPhallus:

*fetal alcohol syndrome is as a result of sustained, heavy drinking that is ongoing throughout pregnancy. It isn’t as a result of a few glasses of wine on a weekend away.

In the early days, if a pregnancy is not viable it won’t continue. 90% of miscarriages in early days are as a result of chromosomal abnormalities*

I also think you should go, do what you want to do instead of what you feel you should do. It won't make a difference other than maybe making you feel better.

Big hugs and love.

BravoStrong · 13/10/2019 01:12

@Djimino like what?

BravoStrong · 13/10/2019 01:14

Sorry I posted too soon.

OP isn't going to be drinking to excess for months and months. She'll probably get mildly drunk over the course of a couple of days.

She's already said that the reason for the losses is genetic and not something anyone can do anything about.

So what are you suggesting? A few drinks before you even know you are pregnant is pretty standard for many if not most women, this doesn't lead to FAS.

Djimino · 13/10/2019 01:28

Chosing*

Longlongsummer · 13/10/2019 01:29

Go but say you feel a bit ill for the most active things and that will explain no drinking too, and just enjoy the company.

Longlongsummer · 13/10/2019 01:30

No need to drink though. I’ve a couple of friends who never drink and it never stops them joining in. Tbh I wouldn’t risk it so early in pregnancy.

Totaldogsbody · 13/10/2019 01:31

OP I am so sorry for the pain you have endured during the last 7 years. I would think that as long as you are not planning on drinking so much you'll end up drunk in a ditch then it would be ok for 1 weekend, a weekend it sounds like you are badly needing. Go enjoy yourself and the best of luck to you.

Derbee · 13/10/2019 01:32

I haven’t seen what sort of things you’re planning, but I think I’d go and have fun if I were you. You sound like you’ve been through hell, and you deserve your long weekend.

I think I’d probably tone down my drinking a bit, and be a bit mindful of potentially being pregnant, as far as activities go. Goodluck, and I hope this is the one that sticks