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Original poster

I already know I'm being unreasonable but I still want to do it

182 replies

Frizzabeth · 12/10/2019 12:48

Me and H have a long weekend planned with friends. It's been planned for some time so that we can have a bit of fun in what has been a horrible few years.

We've had 7 pregnancy losses so far. All at varying stages, some more traumatic than others. The last was bloody awful involved a hospital stay where I was quite ill and sent me spiralling into a horrid state of mind for which I'm now taking anti depressants.

The weekend ahead has quite a few actives that wouldn't be suitable for a pregnant person.

The thing is, I KNOW I'm pregnant. I've not taken a test. But I just know. After this many times I can tell, sore breasts, late period, constipation, tugs and pulls down below etc... I'm very good at listening to my body now after everything we've been through.

But I'm so fucking sick of missing out on things because of a pregnancy that never lasts anyway. I'm sick of missing happy occasions, drinks with friends, activities etc.. which end up being for no reason. I feel resentful but it's no one's fault but my own.

I still want to go on this weekend away even though I know I shouldn't. I don't want to tell H or take a test because then I wouldn't be able to.

It's so incredibly selfish but I'm so fucking mad at this whole situation that I can't bring myself to change plans when I just know it will all likely be for nothing in a few weeks time.

I keep telling myself it's fine because lots of people wouldn't even know at this stage and would carry on doing whatever they were doing but I do know. I know and I still want to anyway. I feel horrible for it.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/10/2019 13:11

Anyone who judges a woman who has experienced seven losses isn't worth having in your life.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 12/10/2019 13:11

Go on the weekend. Drink whatever you want. It either will be fine or it won't - but either way, it's in the lap of the gods.

DramaAlpaca · 12/10/2019 13:11

Go & enjoy yourself. Keep it as your own secret for a while until you are really sure. It's not lying. And you both deserve a break.

resipsa · 12/10/2019 13:12

We had similar struggles and I went out one night when I suspected that I was pregnant but didn't know for sure. I drank as usual and remember that it affected me more because I was swaying on the dance floor after only 2 or 3 then running around the city centre by 2am 😂. DD was fine 😁.

PickingUpLicks · 12/10/2019 13:12

If doing “something” caused miscarriage then no one would ever need a termination. That’s what someone told me after my numerous losses. I always had that thought that it was my fault. It wasn’t, I’d done nothing wrong, neither have you.
I stopped drinking alcohol, tea, eating sugar. You named it I tried it.
Go away and have fun.

madcatsazz · 12/10/2019 13:12

What an awful situation to find yourself in. I'm so sorry there are no easy answers OP. FWIW I found out I was pregnant after a BERY heavy evening drinking one New Years Eve and the baby was fine. That said the fact that you know will make the drink a little sour anyway. I would definitely go and I would, as others have suggested just monitor your alcohol and drink a lot less.

My understanding (though I'm a few years out of date) is the main risk of alcohol is foetal alcohol syndrome. Last I looked they connected this mostly to alcohol abuse/constant heavy drinking though I believe there is some research to suggest smaller amounts have occasionally been the cause. I admit to not being up to date on this. I also am led to understand that the second trimester is the highest risk where the main forming of the baby is done. I could however be spiting a load of out of date nonsense. Read up yourself and make a decision based on where you are comfortable. One thing I absolutely would not do though is cancel your time away. You need this break and that is absolutely important as well.

Sorry for your losses. Sad

ShirleyPhallus · 12/10/2019 13:14

Pretty sure Emily Oster says something about why drinking in the very early days is actually fine and doesn’t harm the foetus at all, helpfully I cant remember exactly what though

I’d relax and enjoy myself at the theme park etc, but I’d maybe go easy on the shots

So sorry for all you’ve been through OP, that sounds incredibly tough

M4MMY · 12/10/2019 13:14

You know stress is dangerous during pregnancy... Not saying it's had anything to do with your other miscarriages but who knows? Maybe a "fuck it" attitude (stress free!) will far outweigh any other risks you might take! I think your no. 1 priority should be to be kind to yourself. Flowers

Original poster
Frizzabeth · 12/10/2019 13:15

Thank you honestly. I was expecting much harsher responses Flowers

I definitely won't take a test until afterwards. Although I'm as certain as I think I can be, I don't want to have to actually see it there in front of me because I know it won't make a difference to me wanting to go. At least right now I can say that I haven't actually taken a test yet.

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 12/10/2019 13:15

Hi op,
I am so sorry to read of your losses.
The first thing that came to mind is you are angry,angry that it is so very unfair that you have lost these babies.
If you go on this weekend and take part in everything,and you come home and the anger has lessened,will you feel guilty that you got carried away and possibly,maybe,risked losing this baby?
The last thing you need is extra mental stress.could you go and opt out of some activities?
All of your emotions are real and understandable,of course they are,you have been through so much.
All I can say is don't allow your anger to encourage you to make a decision you might regret.
Wishing you a happy futureFlowers

MrsBungle · 12/10/2019 13:15

Go on the weekend and enjoy yourself Flowers

dreichsky · 12/10/2019 13:16

I wouldn't worry about your friends either way.
I would think about what feels best for you and also your relationship with your DH.
Are these thoughts you are happy to keep from him? How is he going to feel if he finds out?
I don't think there is one right answer the questions above because everyone is different.

Ihatefootball86 · 12/10/2019 13:17

The baby pregnancy uses the yolk sac first few weeks so alcohol isn't passed on. I think the placenta forms about 6 weeks then it can harm the baby after this point. I'd go and have a few drinks as well.

iwashappyonce · 12/10/2019 13:18

Go and have fun OP. And come back and let us know how you are getting on.

Iggi999 · 12/10/2019 13:19

The issue with just going for it is that IF you are pg and IF you mc, the depression you already feel could really spiral.
It's such a tough road. I hope you are getting treatment for your repeated losses. Flowers

Ker100 · 12/10/2019 13:19

I'd say go for it. Sometimes a change of scenery and mindset can work wonders. Maybe just take it a bit easier than usual on the drinking.

Thingsthatgo · 12/10/2019 13:19

I wouldn’t drink, but I don’t think there is much else I would miss because of early pregnancy. Maybe I would avoid a sauna and seafood from a takeaway.

Thingsthatgo · 12/10/2019 13:20

Oh and drugs. I’d avoid drugs too.

Original poster
Frizzabeth · 12/10/2019 13:21

I've been incredibly harsh on myself through all this, still am really. So one thing that concerns me as others have said is if I blame myself when the inevitable happens. I'm a bit stronger now than I was 6 months ago so I'm hoping that won't be the case.

To the poster that said I'm very angry, yes definitely. I've directed most of my anger internally so far which has been incredibly damaging to me. I'm only just really coming round the idea that this isn't my fault. I still hate myself most days but I'm getting there slowly.

It's why I value the times I can just let my hair down a bit and feel normal so much. Because day to day I struggle.

OP posts:
category12 · 12/10/2019 13:21

Go, have a good time. Switch off from the worry for a few days.

You might be wrong anyway - the mind and body play tricks sometimes. And very unlikely anything you do will make a difference.

tiajon · 12/10/2019 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PickingUpLicks · 12/10/2019 13:23

You’ve done nothing wrong, it’s not your fault. Please believe that.

Original poster
Frizzabeth · 12/10/2019 13:24

Tiajon, I've made a lot of sacrifices through this whole thing. More than most have to go through when TTC I imagine (and hope).

OP posts:
TrishTeres · 12/10/2019 13:24

Hi Frizzabeth

I would just go and expect your friends to go along with whatever you prefer to do or not do without asking questions. They will likely be a lot less conscious of the possibilities than you are.

More importantly though are you having checks as to why the repeated miscarrying? It may be a hormone deficiency. After several miscarriages I had my amh and other bloods tested every two weeks at a private clinic. Their tests came out negative while nhs came out low. I would visit Naprotechnology online and ask for some help. I understand these blood tests are standard in the US, Poland and elsewhere. Not here though.

Thankfully our third child made it to term and is 6 years old now.

LikeTheFruit · 12/10/2019 13:25

Enjoy your weekend and test when home. I got my BFP the day after returning from an all inclusive boozy holiday. Now nearly 20 weeks and all ok so far 🤞.

I think important to live your life while TTC, I spent a few months avoiding making future plans "just in case"

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