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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I already know I'm being unreasonable but I still want to do it

182 replies

Frizzabeth · 12/10/2019 12:48

Me and H have a long weekend planned with friends. It's been planned for some time so that we can have a bit of fun in what has been a horrible few years.

We've had 7 pregnancy losses so far. All at varying stages, some more traumatic than others. The last was bloody awful involved a hospital stay where I was quite ill and sent me spiralling into a horrid state of mind for which I'm now taking anti depressants.

The weekend ahead has quite a few actives that wouldn't be suitable for a pregnant person.

The thing is, I KNOW I'm pregnant. I've not taken a test. But I just know. After this many times I can tell, sore breasts, late period, constipation, tugs and pulls down below etc... I'm very good at listening to my body now after everything we've been through.

But I'm so fucking sick of missing out on things because of a pregnancy that never lasts anyway. I'm sick of missing happy occasions, drinks with friends, activities etc.. which end up being for no reason. I feel resentful but it's no one's fault but my own.

I still want to go on this weekend away even though I know I shouldn't. I don't want to tell H or take a test because then I wouldn't be able to.

It's so incredibly selfish but I'm so fucking mad at this whole situation that I can't bring myself to change plans when I just know it will all likely be for nothing in a few weeks time.

I keep telling myself it's fine because lots of people wouldn't even know at this stage and would carry on doing whatever they were doing but I do know. I know and I still want to anyway. I feel horrible for it.

OP posts:
Isitnearlyweekend · 12/10/2019 16:04

What the heck are you planning to do that would cause a miscarriage!!

Stephminx · 12/10/2019 16:06

I do agree it’s your body, your choice.

But personally, i would consider it lying if you knew / strongly suspected you were pregnant but went ahead, didnt tell your DH and endangered yourself.

HOWEVER it’s a question of degree as to what will endanger you - some people won’t touch a drop of alcohol, some will have an odd glass. There’s now some news reports that paracetamol may have risks, but I don’t think this is proved. Again, some will take it and some not.

Without knowing the activity etc... it’s hard to say. I was quite strict during my pregnancies as I could not have taken the guilt if anything happened (even if it was unlikely that it was down to my actions). I know others who are more relaxed and that worked out fine too.

If your losses have been a genetic issue, then it depends on whether you take a more relaxed or strict view of what you will / won’t do during pregnancy as to how you should behave.

A more relaxed view re alcohol, foods etc... could mean you think that your weekend is unlikely to cause problems. In all likelihood it might not. If you behave strictly, then I would do so.

My issue would be if you did endanger the pregnancy knowing you were pregnant (dangerous physical stuff, excessive alcohol etc) and the lying to your husband (not getting into semantics of lying by omission, which it is if you strongly suspect / know and stay quiet so you can do something he won’t agree with).

mcmooberry · 12/10/2019 16:06

I wouldn't cancel, I would go but moderate things a bit, maybe no crazy rides or excessive drinking. I went on a climbing holiday in France when I was 6 weeks pregnant (at aged 39 so not like I could even afford to be gung ho about it) and I still did all the climbing and probably fell off a few times. I presume a normal pregnancy is possible, hope this is the one that works for you xx

Lovemusic33 · 12/10/2019 16:15

I would go but not drink (or only have a couple). I would take part in the activities ,I can’t think of many things you can’t do when pregnant other than drinking or going in a hot tub.

WutheringShites86 · 12/10/2019 16:25

I agree with the majority of posters @Frizzabeth - you've said yourself that the medical response is that the reason for your miscarriages have been genetic and not environmental so nothing you do this weekend away is likely to influence the future of another pregnancy either way.

Go live your life and have a good time.

As for not telling your husband yet, I don't think there's anything wrong in that. If he's been there with you through suffering those 7 losses I'm sure he could do with letting off some steam too Flowers

Morgan12 · 12/10/2019 16:27

I would go. I would drink. I would do a test when I'm home.

However if there were any activities that I really shouldn't do when pregnant then I'd make an excuse to sit them out.

yellowallpaper · 12/10/2019 16:43

You're taking anti depressants. You shouldn't be drinking anyway.

I'd say go, don't drink and do all the normal stuff you planned. Miscarriage occurs not because we go on a roller coaster, but because of some internal hormonal issue (or similar)

listsandbudgets · 12/10/2019 16:50

I am so sorry for your losses. I can understand your fears.

Hiwever look at it this way. Women come out of war zones and they give birth. Pregnant refugees trek for hundreds of miles with very little food and still manage to have babies. Lots of people don't know they're pregnant at all carry on with life as normal and have babies. Women take drugs or drink and have babies. Some women work in manual jobs right up until the day they give birth.. and have babies

If the baby is meant to be, it will happen. If not then missing out on life is very unlikely to change the outcome

I hope you enjoy your weekend

Drabarni · 12/10/2019 16:56

I wouldn't go and nor would I lie to my dh, never.

Original poster
Frizzabeth · 12/10/2019 16:56

You're taking anti depressants. You shouldn't be drinking anyway

They are fine to drink on, I already checked with the GP when he originally prescribed them.

OP posts:
Vgbeat · 12/10/2019 16:57

It will probably be the best medicine. Just relax and have a good time, you will or do yourself more good.

Rayn · 12/10/2019 17:01

Hope you enjoying your weekend. Do it!! You must let us all know if you are pregnant X.

dreichsky · 12/10/2019 17:06

Alcohol is a depressant so it probably isn't going to help to drink to excess regardless of medication or pregnancy.
But a glass of wine isn't going to do you any harm all round.

HaileySherman · 12/10/2019 17:24

I think if you want to go and have some fun that you have definitely earned it. I don't imagine anything you'd be doing is going to be that impactful on the pregnancy.

pinksquash13 · 12/10/2019 17:32

One weekend of drinking and activities won't make any difference! Go and enjoy! Relax and do not take a test until you're back. Do not tell husband you had suspicions. I really hope your pregnany is successful this time! If it turns out that it isn't, do not blame yourself. Clearly it isn't the weekend that would cause it with your history. Many pregnant people do a lot worse and like you said, most people don't know this early. X

Beautiful3 · 12/10/2019 17:33

I wouldnt pretend. I would take a test. How would you feel if you were pregnant, drank loads and mc? I would feel dreadful. Take a test.

Muumee · 12/10/2019 17:41

I was in 2 minds up until your update- although it would happen if it were going to anyway I was wondering whether the affect on you would have been really bad if you went, did everything, got a positive test then MC.
But now seeing that you know the cause of your previous losses I'd say go, don't test before. If the worst happens you'll know it wasn't anything you did.
If you go and then go on to have a healthy baby you may well get a lot of 'See? You just needed to RELAX for it to happen!' 🙄😂

ZoChan · 12/10/2019 17:50

Go. Enjoy! Don't think about what might be until you get back. Thanks

bobstersmum · 12/10/2019 17:55

I'd go, and enjoy yourself. I didn't know I was pregnant with 1st and went to theme park and got drunk lots, until I found out.

HauntedPinecone · 12/10/2019 18:15

I'd go, I'd do exactly what you want to do. It's your body and you've been through enough. Go and enjoy yourself.

snowone · 12/10/2019 18:32

A lot of people don't even know they are pregnant until much further along and drink / smoke etc.

Just go and have fun and see what happens when you get back.

StockTakeFucks · 12/10/2019 18:45

Go , but only if you think you'll be able to not blame yourself and go against yourself if anything were to happen.

No judgment here whatsoever and I get why you need this outing and are so fed up with missing out.

However, if you'll just hate yourself more, either don't go or take it easy, you don't need any more unkindness aimed at you, even if it's coming from yourself.

Original poster
Frizzabeth · 12/10/2019 19:01

Thank you honestly I really appreciate every response. I didn't think I'd get so many kind responses Flowers

OP posts:
MyHairNeedsASnip · 12/10/2019 19:03

I'd go. I'll not tell my story but it's very similar to yours in terms of numbers and just knowing. I'd forget it and go and let the chips fall where they may. Flowers

BrendasUmbrella · 12/10/2019 19:07

Is fetal alcohol syndrome not a thing any more? Honest question. My last pregnancy was six years ago, and in those days nobody had any alcohol for fear of damaging the foetus. But here everyone's saying go drink! What has changed?

Fetal alcohol syndrome is caused by sustained heavy drinking throughout a pregnancy.

Many women don't know they are pregnant for 2 or 3 months, and most of their babies are absolutely fine.