Can I change a naturally selfish child?

[Wheredidigowrongggggg]

I have two daughters, 8 and 9. My eldest has always been quite insular, she doesn’t have naturally great social skills. She is learning through her mistakes and is showing signs of occasional empathy, but it’s clearly an effort. I have seen her walk right past a hurt, crying child without even seeing them. It’s like it doesn’t register.

My youngest is naturally empathetic. Her nursery reports from pre-talking used say ‘X gave her toy to (spoilt) crying kid who wanted it off her’ - I paraphrase. Natural empathy, naturally kind and thoughtful, very popular. But the polarity is extreme between the girls.

We have 2 family ipads the kids are allowed to use for an hour before we get up. This is a real treat as they don’t have them during the week. This morning one hadn’t been charged. So my eldest sat with the one that worked and my youngest tried to charge the other one while she used it but with little success. Youngest ‘didn’t say’ she wanted to share the working iPad so eldest used it exclusively. Youngest did something else. When we got up we obviously noticed.

Had a conversation with each separately. To eldest : why did you not think to share the iPad that worked? Can you see that your behaviour is like your friend Y who you complain about? How does Y make you feel when she’s thoughtless/says unkind things/won’t share? Why do you do that to your sister? Explained she has to try more as it doesn’t come naturally. (Sadly this is a constant refrain)

I had a chat with the youngest about speaking up, pointing out unfairness etc. But she’d rather not argue and would rather do something else then get into an argument over an iPad.

This happens all the time. Biggest piece of cake, going first, best seat - eldest will automatically take it without thinking. This grates on me as I would never do this. Our home life does not model this kind of behaviour either. This is an innate character trait she was born with. How do I teach my eldest to be more thoughtful/kind/nicer to people? Is it even possible? I love her fiercely, and feel more protective of her than I do my youngest. The selfishness is a real fragility that I know will be a burden to her in life. But I hate that there are times when I really don’t like her because she is so naturally selfish. That makes me ache. Can she change? Aibu to want her to change? Not for me, but because usually being kind and thoughtful is the right thing to do?

There ie no halfway house of people somewhere between NT and autistic.

So what is the broad autism phenotype then?

@Wheredidigowrongggggg, I am really pleased you posted this. I have benefitted a lot from your thread. I empathise and understand a lot of the feelings you have mentioned you felt.
I am a firstborn /eldest child. I was raised to look after my younger siblings, to ensure they were okay first. If my mum came in and saw me seated and any of my younger ones standing she would go ballistic.
I got told constantly how I was selfish, self-centered, uncaring etc.
I became so good at looking after my younger siblings that I became a second mum and by university, I was their main mother figure and now as adults I still am. They are 1,3,5,7 and 11 years younger than me. They are all assertive, bold and 'selfish'. The one a year younger than me is less so because she had to step up and be the big sister when I was not around. We are all very close but she is my closest sibling. And honestly, I would not like some of them if we weren't siblings.
Outside with my friends I was bubbly, confident, daring, adventurous.
At home with my siblings/parents, I was a people pleaser. A doormat extraordinare. My siblings still trample all over me.

With my 1st DC who was born confident , I noticed signs of 'selfishness' and I worked on that as any good parent would. I regret it. It affected her confidence and turned her into a people pleaser. I only noticed this when I had my 2nd DC another confident baby. Luckily, she is still young enough for me to correct my mistakes. And guide her to being more assertive..more 'selfish'??

I also would never take the biggest slice, best chair etc. But coming out of a very abusive marriage where I was constantly told I am selfish etc.
I am starting to see that it is okay to have some selfishness. I am a doormat, I am a people pleaser though I have lots of friends who love me and say I am caring and therefore have been there for me (none of my siblings have). Life is difficult for doormats. Life is a lot easier & happier for 'selfish' people.

This may not be exactly akin to your concerns about your older daughter but it is interesting the way we are raised/family dynamics affect our adult life. I just want to say as much as you are worried about your older daughter please be equally worried about making your younger daughter more assertive.. a little bit 'selfish'.
I don't mean selfish in a bad way like horribly inconsiderate selfish (which you worry your older DD has)..

Because of the realisations I came too, I am very very low contact with my DM and actually pulling away from my siblings to establish boundaries and stop them from trampling all over me. It hurts because that is a lot of family to be 'losing'. I would not want that to happen to me and my DD.

My brother was a selfish and manipulative monster to me as a child. I was younger than him by 4 years and he used that to his advantage at every opportunity. He would convince me to let him have anything he wanted, tell me lies to get me to do things for him. He told me once all my silver money was rubbish but he would be kind and swop it for his copper money.
Now a million years later he is one of the kindest and most generous people I know.

@Wheredidigowrongggggg, Can I say that I think you are an incredibly lovely mum. That is very evident in all your posts.
I don't think your older DD is 'horribly inconsiderate selfish', I apologise for the word horrible. That was really thoughtless of me.
But I understand your concerns. I really do.

DH and his siblings are all selfish. I blame the parents!!

If your younger daughter didn't mind then that was ok. Let her use the iPad later.

I'm not sure you can change it.
You can try. But one child's default. Is hard to change. As is the same for us all.

I have it too. Ds2 has a totally different default to Ds1.

This is the norm, rather than the exception, me thinks.