To not help DS although my heart is breaking?

[121feelinglost]

Bit of background DS 19 started university this year, he initially decided that he’d stay home and commute the 17 mile journey by train, he gets dropped off and collected from the train station (home) so not much walking. He has now decided that the hour there and the hour back is too much for him to cope with and he’s decided to move out. I’m not going to lie I was gutted when he said he was leaving because I really wanted him to stay home and also he couldn’t cook toast without burning the kitchen down. I told him that if he made the decision to leave I was unable to help him out financially, DH is the sole earner as DD has a health condition I stay at home. DS knew that we would be unable to help and I tried to guide him to university services available to see if they can help him with short term loan as he’s now paid a deposit on a room and having to pay rent in advance. He went to uni today and he said that he hasn’t been able to get anywhere with help from uni and he needs me to lend him £300, also buy his essentials for his move and make some frozen meals or he’ll go hungry next week.
When he mentioned he wanted to move I started to teach him how to make a quick chilli and few other quick meals so burning down the house isn’t the issue but he hasn’t got money for the ingredients.
I’m so angry with him that he’s so unorganised and has decided to move without any planning. He’s looking for work and has said he’ll pay me back but his lack of urgency to get things done, his lack of planning and his immaturity that parents will always be there to help him out is really annoying me.
I could help him out but it will be through a loan and will be difficult for a while.
WIBU to say “I’m sorry I can’t help?” But the thought of saying that to him is killing me and I’m fully aware he needs to grow up, but why am I finding it so hard.
(Name changed)

What’s the point behind you monitoring his bank balance? (I can’t imagine someone checking my bank account!).

TequilaPilates
All of your objections apply to students everywhere.

No they don't.

This young man has decided to throw a spanner into the works by deciding, without any financial planning or preparation, to move out, when he could easily have managed to remain at home and commute while preparing properly for a move.

He could easily decide to live with the hour long commute until the next school year starts up, meanwhile working during the summer and possibly finding himself a job for a few hours a week close to the university. He could live at the Hotel de Maman et Papa until September 2020, earn money and also save money by not going out as much as he has up to now, have his meals laid on, afford his fancy phone and his prearranged trip abroad, apply in timely fashion for the bigger loan to cover living away from home, and end up with enough in his bank account to afford to move out and even feed himself with frozen meals a few times a week.

Instead he chose to move out with absolutely no idea as to how he could afford it apart from asking mum and dad for quite a lot of money. The operative word is 'chose'. He could have been sensible instead.

I'd help him out...we never had the money we had now when our daughter was struggling through uni but I gave her all I could . We were on about 30k a year then so things were fairly tight. Now 56k so massive improvement and still helping her out We do because we had them and love them, so we help them! We've denied ourselves holidays in past to help her out and other things..but you do anything for your children to make their lives better. He's at uni...that's something to be proud of and he's obviously wanting to be independent. Yes he's not got his priorities quite sorted yet but he will. He's young and a bit slap happy...wern't we all! Talk to him and exoress your side. And listen to his.

please explain to me how do you raise someone to be ungrateful?
(Genuine question so I don’t continue to make the same mistakes).
By doing too much for him and always being at his beck and call.
By not rebuking every single example of rudeness or taking you for granted.

I have tried my hardest to get my son to learn how to cook but if he would rather game how can I force him?
By not cooking or doing laundry for him as long as he chose to spend his time amusing himself.
This would have shown him that he can either game or eat, either game or wear clean clothes.

For those of you saying that I am forcing him to come home on Fridays for cooking lessons, let me clarify, he said he would come home on his own accord to collect meals cooked in batches and I said that’s fine you can also learn a few dishes that way and take them with you.
Your answer to the plan that you will supply his meals is, "What? You expect me to cook for you?"
Not, "Great, I'll get started on a tonne of chili."

I never forced him to come home on a Friday. He’s decided he’s coming home tonight for dinner, I didn’t ask him, he stated he wanted to.
Your response to him inviting himself home for dinner is, "Sorry, that won't work for me or your dad. We are tired after the huge effort we put in on Saturday moving you into your new place, and we won't be cooking."

In other words, he doesn't get to decide what you will spend your time doing.

@mathanxiety thank you for that
By doing too much for him and always being at his beck and call.
By not rebuking every single example of rudeness or taking you for granted.
You have hit the nail on the head, I did everything, he would text me in the morning and would ask me to put his breakfast in the oven so it would be ready for him when he came downstairs, I never said no or do it your self. He’d come home for college and ask for food to be made (noodles, pizza etc) I never said no or do it yourself. He’d ask for his shirt to be ironed “I’ve left in your bed to iron” I never said no or do it yourself. I take full responsibility and I can try coming back with a defence but I know how stupid that would be, why did I think my boy was so precious that he couldn’t do anything for himself. I question why I did it but I have no answer.

He could apply for the Hardship fund which is there to help students from low income families. Try Gov.uk for info.
I really hope he gets the help and support he needs as it’s all new and daunting starting Uni, especially if he’s struggling for money.
Wishing him all the best x

You can turn it around beginning this weekend, @121feelinglost.

Compile and rehearse a list of phrases that mean 'No'.
Use them.

'Sorry, I can't manage that.'
'Sorry, that won't work for me.'
'Sorry, I have plans.'
'Sorry, dad and I can't do that.'
'You have such a good head on your shoulders I am sure you will be able to figure out a solution to that problem.'

Ignore text messages that are basically ordering you to do something for him. Don't bother replying and do not comply.
If the text is repeated, you might consider responding with the old MN chestnut, 'Gosh DS, did you mean to be so rude?' Never address the subject of the text. Stick to your complaint about rudeness or your objection to being ordered around.

Don't send him food parcels, it will cost loads in postage
Vouchers instead if you are feeling generous
He can learn to cook himself. Plenty of books, blogs, YouTube
If he has moved away, he should be getting a part time job
I know people that left school at 14 & went into FT work.
It's probably the best decision he has made so far, to move out & be independent

Omg how is he ever going to cope when in the real world ?
An hour commute is that it? I done that for years until last year when my work relocated then we bought a house 10 mins away.
At 19 I’d bought my own house! And had all the responsibilities associated with that. 80% of my wages went on mortgage alone but we never ran to the bank of mum and dad.
Is this a sigh of the times that kids just don’t grow up as quick any more?

he would text me in the morning and would ask me to put his breakfast in the oven so it would be ready for him when he came downstairs
Genuinely gobsmacked at the level of pandering, though it is obviously common going by PP on here, parents in the run up to uni having to show 18/19 yr olds to cook, laundry, budget, why are parents not teaching their kids anything? Waiting on your kids hand and foot is not being a good mother 🙄🙄

He does have to grow up and learn to manage his money, but also ask yourself how is it that he has got to this stage and can't cook or fend for himself? Surely you take some responsibility for that?

mathanxiety

He could do what you suggest except that he'll find it very difficult to make friends at uni if he's not there to socialise with people, how will he find housemates to live with next year if he doesn't get to know people, how will he study and make use of the facilities on campus unless he travels there every day this incurring expenses?

I don't know of any students that have sat and thought about the costs of going to uni. They've applied, got a place, applied for accommodation and a loan and then moved in. Some get jobs but certainly not all because it's difficult to find a job that fits around the terms at uni.

The expectation is very much that parents support students, unless they are on maximum loans. It's not right but that is what the system expects. You say he should be saving up, and I agree he should, but then do should parents save up in case their child wants to go to uni.

Waiting on your kids hand and foot is not being a good mother 🙄🙄

Precisely. That's why I think it's very unfair what the op is doing now - basically turning her back on him and telling him to get on with it when, for the past 19 years she's waited on him hand and foot and brought him up to be incapable of doing anything for himself.

My mother thinks I should wait on my son hand and foot, what with him being a boy, and my standard answer is that I'm not raising a prince. Yes, I could pick his clothes up from his bedroom floor, wash them, iron them and return them to his wardrobe and that may be "nicer" but he'll learn more by not having anything to wear when he wants to go out. How can I be so cruel and uncaring? - firstly my time is no less valuable than his and secondly his is capable of doing these things but chooses not to. It's a big lesson, you live your life and deal with the choices that you make.

It's not helpful to tell the OP that your kids were doing XY and Z from age 7, she can't turn back time and do things differently. She can do things differently starting from now.

It's not helpful to tell the OP that your kids were doing XY and Z from age 7, she can't turn back time and do things differently. She can do things differently starting from now.

Well, she can do things differently in one of two ways

Decide she's had enough and refuse to do anything for him ever again

Or, recognise that she helped to create this problem and choose to disengage gradually and support him to make this transition successfully.

“It's not helpful to tell the OP that your kids were doing XY and Z from age 7, “

She can’t turn the clock back but it might give her perspective and reassurance that she is not being cruel in pushing / enabling him to more independence and maturity.

You sound like a loving mother who puts her dcs first. He sounds like a fairly typical 19 year old who will ask for help rather than take the initiative himself.

Don't beat yourself up for doing so much for him. He's 19 not 29 and now is a good time for him to learn to be more self sufficient. He's a lucky boy in as much as you have always loved him and been there for him. He is heading into his future knowing he is truly loved and nothing is more valuable than that.

Re uni support
I topped up what my dd was deducted re her loan and what I earned.
I did a shop when we dropped her off each year.
They had copies of the recipes they liked from home, lessons if wanted.
They could use a washing machine etc.
They took bedding, pans or bought new.

I got them to set up two accounts, one had their loan paid into and rent went out. Then a weekly standing order sent over what they could afford to spend each month.

Birthday presents were usually clothes or things they needed.

And if chooses to leave the family home to grow up and become more independent then, off you pop. Stop asking /demanding for things. If you want a holiday, get a job

TequilaPilates
Of course many parents top up the funds their students have access to. Of course many students can't get or keep a job. Of course many have no real handle on the cost of attendance, and many will only realise years later how student loans work...

This thread is not about any of that.

It's about a young man who was being supported by his parents - they provided accommodation, food, heat, Internet, laundry services, a lift to the station in the morning, even meals warmed in the oven as demanded.

It's about the impetuous decision this young man made to change address that was then presented as a fait accomplis to his parents, with the problem of financing the decision laid squarely in their laps.

There is a massive difference. As you pointed out yourself, students tend to accept an offer of a place, secure funding, then find a place to live. This young man is already enrolled, finds a new place to live , and only now gives the problem of funding some thought - but only enough thought to conclude that mum could run around emailing and chasing down financial officers, and that she and dad could basically come up with the money he needed in the space of a week, with no warning whatsoever.

mathanxiety

And you have to wonder why he did that.

Reading the op I’m not going to lie I was gutted when he said he was leaving because I really wanted him to stay home makes me think that this is the 1st time that the son has seen what being independent from his parents could look like. Plus, maybe he's only now realising the downside of living at home and travelling to uni - not being able to socialise and make friends, not being close to the uni and the facilities, not being able to study in the library when he needs to...

If the op can say, hand on heart, that he made the choice to go to this uni and to live at home freely and with no.influence from her, than she's not being unreasonable to feel annoyed by his sudden change of mind. That being said though, as a parent I would understand the reasons and do whatever I could to help, so that would be financially if I could and at the very least practically and emotionally.

Tequila
It doesn't matter if the DS was unduly influenced to live at home. It doesn't matter that he changed his mind.

The unreasonable request that the parents cough up the wherewithal to facilitate his sudden and completely undiscussed change of mind is what this thread is about.

His parents don't owe him that sort of money regardless of how poorly they prepared him for dealing with life's practical details.

Quite honestly, the cheek of that request is mind blowing.

TequilaPilates hand on heart I never requested he stay at home and choose a university close to home, all that was DS’s decision from the beginning. He applied to universities that were further away and also received unconditional offers from two of them but he decided to choose the one he is at and wait for results.
DS has always had freedom to do what he wants, to a certain extent, coming home at 4am in the morning was a no no but going out and coming home at a reasonable hour was fine and 99.9% of the time he requested a lift there and back which he got.
Since DS has gone I haven’t had a single text message from him and I haven’t text him either. A lot of people here have said that I am a controlling mother but I believe there is a difference between being controlling and having a relationship, just because you get a twinge in your heart when your child is leaving home doesn’t make you controlling. Yes I wanted him to stay at home but if had chosen a different university he would have left anyways, was I happy he wanted to stay at home hell yes. What I was upset about was his impetuous decision with no consideration or planning financially and expecting me to fund a lifestyle choice. Would you all feel the same if DS had bought a car that he couldn’t afford tax/fuel/insurance on just because he made a lifestyle choice of wanting a fancy car? If DS had made the decision or gone away from the beginning he wouldn’t have frittered a huge part of his student loan away and would not have required support from us in terms of money, yes food I would have always helped with but he would have been fine with the money.
I don’t believe I have controlled my child, DS would choose to discuss things with me (girlfriends, job issues etc) I never asked, he spent a huge part of his student loan whilst at home if I was so controlling why did I not have control over his spending. When he went and signed up for a phone contract that is stupidly expensive why did I have no control or say?
Yes I have been there at his beck and call and I will admit that is my fault but I was trying to make up to him for the extra time DD gets due to illness.

Asking access to bank statements seems like controlling. Friday cooking sessions are unlikely to be the first choice for a 19yr old. So either he is at home and everything will be done for him by mum or if he is get planning and clumsily moving out then he is on his own.