To not help DS although my heart is breaking?

[121feelinglost]

Bit of background DS 19 started university this year, he initially decided that he’d stay home and commute the 17 mile journey by train, he gets dropped off and collected from the train station (home) so not much walking. He has now decided that the hour there and the hour back is too much for him to cope with and he’s decided to move out. I’m not going to lie I was gutted when he said he was leaving because I really wanted him to stay home and also he couldn’t cook toast without burning the kitchen down. I told him that if he made the decision to leave I was unable to help him out financially, DH is the sole earner as DD has a health condition I stay at home. DS knew that we would be unable to help and I tried to guide him to university services available to see if they can help him with short term loan as he’s now paid a deposit on a room and having to pay rent in advance. He went to uni today and he said that he hasn’t been able to get anywhere with help from uni and he needs me to lend him £300, also buy his essentials for his move and make some frozen meals or he’ll go hungry next week.
When he mentioned he wanted to move I started to teach him how to make a quick chilli and few other quick meals so burning down the house isn’t the issue but he hasn’t got money for the ingredients.
I’m so angry with him that he’s so unorganised and has decided to move without any planning. He’s looking for work and has said he’ll pay me back but his lack of urgency to get things done, his lack of planning and his immaturity that parents will always be there to help him out is really annoying me.
I could help him out but it will be through a loan and will be difficult for a while.
WIBU to say “I’m sorry I can’t help?” But the thought of saying that to him is killing me and I’m fully aware he needs to grow up, but why am I finding it so hard.
(Name changed)

He should have waited until he had a job to pay for these things or a student loan. He is an adult and wants to make adult decisions so this isn't your fault. I'd lend only what I can, he has made the rash decision, not you.

A normal degree is not 3 days at uni! Some people make the craziest generalisations.

Student loan. Like other people ....

If you can't help him financially, without getting into debt yourself, then DON'T! It's called tough love. Be cruel to be kind. He'll get the hang of it. And, once he's got a degree, his earning power increases. I hate to say it, but I think you've created your own problem. I taught all my kids how to cook basic meals, sew a button on their shirts, take up a hem. The two boys drew the line at knitting ....! One year, for my birthday, my middle son (who was 18 the day before) cooked a roast dinner, with all the trimmings, and I was only allowed to stir the gravy.. It was lovely, including the Yorkshire puddings xx he WILL get the hang of it, I promise xx you need to step back a bit x

Hi. I'm in a very low wage and my son is in university. Because of my wage he got the maximum amount of grant which he doesn't have to repay and if course his student loan , and lives very comfortably.....he also works two days a week for an IT firm to subsidise himself even more.

mathanxiety

All of your objections apply to students everywhere. The expectation, from Student Finance and from the government, is that parents support students financially, hence why we have to supply our financial details when they apply for loans.

My children only got minimum loans, about £4500 if I remember correctly. Their rent alone was £7000. How do you think they afforded their rent, food, books, phones, travel, clothes, socialising? We had to top up their money. We paid their rent and then they used their loans plus wages for everything else. That's normal unless the student gets maximum loan.

Yes, he's suddenly decided to move out but from what the op says I'm getting the impression that it wasn't his choice to live at home. Maybe now he's actually at uni and sees what he's missing he's actually got the push he needed to stand up to his mum.

If the op can't afford to help him then that's one thing. If she can but is refusing to as a way of trying to keep him at home then that's another.

He needs to get on to student finance to see if he can increase his loan asap and then go from there.

He'll survive. Apply tough love.

Student loan is for this. Then he gets a job to supplement the rest. Uni course will only be a few hours a day.

There's loads of ways you can meet him halfway. You need to get past your feelings about this and look how you can realistically help. On the money side, whatever you lend him cannot be paid out of any wages he gets, more usefully paid out of the student loan instalment he'll get at the start of next term. I wouldn't cough up £300 - that figure has been rounded up. He'll be saving on train fares (how much?) and that can be the money for his meals in the campus canteen. Other "essentials" are probably things you already have laying around the home eg bedding (and he might feel happier about having some things from home.) His biggest surprise will be how much laundry costs- expect to see him home with a bag of it for the next few weekends. Introduce him to Poundland and the campus canteen. You can make this work - we did on a lot less.

btw its not reasonable to make chilli for one person. Show him the cheap noodles 14p in Tesco and cook broccoli on top. I'd lend him the money weekly if he hasn't had to budget before. I'm with him on the travel issues though - travelling an hour each way in the cold and dark is harder than it looks.

HERFT as just picked it up and it’s 13 pages!!

I’m not sure what Uni some PPs DCs go to but I work in a Uni and on our course, students are in 4/5 days a week for a minimum of 5 hours.

Another way to look at this OP is that it could be the making of him. I think YABU not to help him get started. Moving out of the family home will mean he has to do stuff for himself. Plus a big part of Uni life is the social aspect - not just getting wasted but sports clubs, debating society, student union guest speakers etc.

If it was my DC (I wish it was as I have the feeling mine will never fly the nest) I would lend I’m the money,have him set up a monthly direct debit to repay and leave him to get on with it.

Lend him the money - not lend I’m

He is in a but if a bind, he gets a smaller loan (as you wanted him to live at home)

You could help him change it to the correct one (though he should really be able to crack on with this himself)

Moving out is a great idea, he’ll really grow (up)

In your shoes I’d help him a bit, to easy the transition from him having been “babied@ too much, to flying soli. But I would not do home cooked meals (he can learn from YouTube ! Or eat toast and super noodles like all students)

Time for him to grow up

So realistically, an hour each way is NOT that far! Many people commute more than that for their job every day and it's something he may well have to do when he gets a job too.

I would be telling him that if he can't afford it at the moment, then he needs to stay home til he's sorted out a job and got the money to do it himself. In the meantime I'd try and help by buying a couple of essentials for when he does move out to help make him more self sufficient (think reusable bags, student Cook book, slow cooker etc).

Good luck

@TequilaPilates

It’s all well and good the gov/student loan companies deciding that parents who earn over X (£50k ish) a year can afford to help their kids but my experience (I graduated this summer as a mature student) was that this simply distorts student wealth!

The ‘poor’ students who qualify for full loans (I was one of these) are relatively comfortable and can afford their rent/food/books easily (as long as they are sensible).

BUT those who qualify for 30-70% (as their parent earn £50k ish) many were receiving no financial support at all, as parents had mortgages, car finance, 2-3 younger children at home and their £50-70k family income (after tax/pensions...etc) was barely cutting it!

I had a friend (A) doing specialised nursing in London (super clever girl) working 35 hours + in the hospital (for free) alongside her study’s/classes (all mandatory). Her loan covered less than 50% of her rent and her parents couldn’t afford to help her at all as they had lives and younger children in a nearby expensive city!

A: I can’t pay my rent
Uni- Your parents will need to help you
Parents- we can’t help you

A: I can’t pay my rent and my parents can’t help me.
Uni- discuss this with your parents as they should be helping!
Parents- Please stop bringing this up, you’re causing stress and arguments between us!

A: I can’t pay my rent and my parents won’t help me and they refuse to discuss it any further.
Uni- well you’ll need to get a job then
A- I already have a 70-80 hour week being made to work for free in the hospital.
Uni: ... well I’m not sure what else you expect us to suggest!

^ THIS is happening all over the U.K. and all the current student loan approach seems to do is turn the ‘middle class’ students into the ones who can’t manage. Low income and very high income are fine but the middle as hugely disadvantaged!

My point being that OP’s son is NOT alone or being particularly hard done by! There are a great many students out there whose parents can’t afford to supplement their student loan and frankly it’s unfair that parents are expected to do this!

Supplementing a student loan should be optional, no inflicted onto parents anymore than parents should be obligated to buy a child their first house or first car! This is THEIR education and THEIR future careers! They are over 18 when they go to uni and financial responsibility should not be inflicted upon parents!

Sit down with him and work out what loan amounts will be available. Or you can do this directly - student loans company will show you estimates etc. Full loan for living away isn’t much more per year than living at home though, so don’t expect miracles.

So you then have an idea how much money he should have now, how much he might get extra if the change in loan status is accepted, and how much he’ll get for future terms. Be aware it isn’t split evenly

Then find out how much the accommodation is per term. That lets you work out if the loan will cover everything (it should) and how much should be left over for living expenses - food etc.

Now you have his budget per term, you can work out how much that is per month or week. Then decide if that’s enough to live on and whether you’re ok to contribute. This gives you a final budget.

Suggest at this point he transfers his loan to you and you send him money each week/month so he isn’t able to piss it up the wall. Sounds like he isn’t hugely practical so I’d start with weekly - so set up a standing order for £50-70 a week (whatever you’ve worked out)

THIS is happening all over the U.K. and all the current student loan approach seems to do is turn the ‘middle class’ students into the ones who can’t manage. Low income and very high income are fine but the middle as hugely disadvantaged!

I don't disagree with you - this was the position that my children were in, particularly as we had 2 at uni at the same time. My DH has worked 60+ hours a week for 6 years to fund it.

I think that all students should get maximum loan so that no student is disadvantaged by their parents inability to pay but that is a separate issue to what I think is going on here.

Op clearly states that she doesn't want her dd to leave home, plans to make him come every Friday, wants full access to his bank statements - in short she sounds controlling, so I suspect that she pressured him to live at home. Now he's realising the downside to that - not being able to socialise with his class mates and wants to change it. She should be supporting him in this. Even if she can't financially then at least give morel support, help him apply for higher loan etc.

I can't understand all of the replies saying give tough love, make him stand on his own 2 feet, he's a man child, when all students are in the same boat except that many parents do help fund uni because it's an investment in their child's future. It's completely different if you can't afford it rather than you are doing it to control your children.

My parents were like the op. They refused to let me live out when I did my nurse training and I missed out hugely. Everyone else was living together, socialised together, as hoc arrangements were made that I wasn't there for - it was very isolating and I wish that I had parents who supported me rather than tried to control me.

For those new to the thread, on page 9, the OP advised us he was moving out over this weekend and paying the £200 deposit with a further £1700 due at the end of the month to take his rent up to end January so that’ll be all done.

He was hoping to hear about a job today that he had applied for too. The OP has provided advice on what her plans are to provide assistance on that same post also.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed for the job OP. Has he heard yet if he’s got the it? That would solve most of the worries, I hope it’s good news

No YANBU. He is an adult. You have offered him the option of staying at home. An hour's commute a few days a week is piss all.
You have told him you cannot help financially. He has his student loan. When I was at uni I had no help from my parents and had a part time job to help cover the cost of living. He can do the same.
Luckily, my mum taught me how to cook so perhaps you could offer to teach him this. Pasta can go a long way.

The really odd thing that I've noticed - when I've complained on threads about lack of contact time Vs amount charged for tuition - my dd and dd have never had more than 9 hours a week contact time and this year my dd has 6 hours spread over 4 days, I get told that I'm unreasonable because students are expected to study for 36 hours a week, using the facilities at the university, hence a 6 he per week course costing the same as a 36 hour per week contact time course.

Yet here apparently, he's only there a few hours per week so an hour each way is fine?

If he saves fare money by only going in 2 days a week for lectures how can he access the library or study groups?

If he has, like my dd,lectures over 4 days even though he's only there for an hour or 2 per day how.much will that cost in fares?

Why does he have no savings? Surely he has been working in some form since he at least finished A levels

Because he’s spent it?

If he has a student bank account he should be entitled to an overdraft which would cover the rent shortfall until his updated loan comes through

And if he doesn’t have one, he should get one - £100 from HSBC

If you are on a low income then he should be able to get help financially ,I couldnt afford to help my lad when he went to uni as on low wage .I helped out with shopping every week and odd bits he needed off my own back he never asked but he managed quite well on his own from there .he needs to chase up the student finance office again .

At 19 you have no right to view his bank statements