To not help DS although my heart is breaking?

[121feelinglost]

Bit of background DS 19 started university this year, he initially decided that he’d stay home and commute the 17 mile journey by train, he gets dropped off and collected from the train station (home) so not much walking. He has now decided that the hour there and the hour back is too much for him to cope with and he’s decided to move out. I’m not going to lie I was gutted when he said he was leaving because I really wanted him to stay home and also he couldn’t cook toast without burning the kitchen down. I told him that if he made the decision to leave I was unable to help him out financially, DH is the sole earner as DD has a health condition I stay at home. DS knew that we would be unable to help and I tried to guide him to university services available to see if they can help him with short term loan as he’s now paid a deposit on a room and having to pay rent in advance. He went to uni today and he said that he hasn’t been able to get anywhere with help from uni and he needs me to lend him £300, also buy his essentials for his move and make some frozen meals or he’ll go hungry next week.
When he mentioned he wanted to move I started to teach him how to make a quick chilli and few other quick meals so burning down the house isn’t the issue but he hasn’t got money for the ingredients.
I’m so angry with him that he’s so unorganised and has decided to move without any planning. He’s looking for work and has said he’ll pay me back but his lack of urgency to get things done, his lack of planning and his immaturity that parents will always be there to help him out is really annoying me.
I could help him out but it will be through a loan and will be difficult for a while.
WIBU to say “I’m sorry I can’t help?” But the thought of saying that to him is killing me and I’m fully aware he needs to grow up, but why am I finding it so hard.
(Name changed)

Okay so if I’ve read this correctly he still has most of his student loan but is short for the rent as this decision is last minute?

Honestly living away may well do him the world of good, it’s all part of the uni experience and whilst I know everyone is different the two people I know who stayed at home really felt they missed out.

I think the problem here is that it’s all last minute and a bit rushed, I found organising my daughter for uni very stressful and we had plenty of time.

Help him if you can and I think it’s good for him that you have raised your concerns and not made it too easy. He will learn to sort himself out, some supermarkets do very cheap ready meals. Help him with the basics, one plate etc., He will need duvets, pillows etc

Hopefully he will grow and mature and I’m certain he will appreciate home even more.

I don't get any of this, if his loan included travel cost, that is now not an issue. I dont blame him for leaving, the train is a drag, it means he has to get up early to catch it and come back late. It's a good way for him to start his independance, and be with his mates. he's not asking for much, just a loan while he, or dare I say it you help him get organized instead of trying to hinder him. Go to the loan company on his behalf. Many children go off at his age, and pay rent they cannot afford, when mums rent is usually peanuts. Sell something to pay for it. start with his bed, or rent out the room. His Uni Deg is the best thing you can ever help him achieve.

The only way I would know where his money has gone is by asking to see his bank statements and I don’t want to have to really do that, I feel that it would definitely be an invasion of his privacy.

I've just seen this. I think a bit of logical needs to be applied. If he went to a bank for a loan, do you think they would be concerned about invading his privacy? If you don't know how he's spending his money and he's not prepared to discuss, I wouldn't even consider a loan.

If you're from a low income (assuming so because you say you can't support him financially) then he should get a decent maintenance loan. I graduated last year and could afford food... And I have several food allergies so food costs more! My parents did support me when I asked (despite low income) and I was grateful for that. I lived 100 or so miles from home so I don't understand why he's moving out when you only live 17 miles away!

He does need help. But not necessarily right now. He should have planned and he should have done a lot of things but straight up, he’s still your son and he’s asking you for help to get things going. Weather is changing and can’t blame him for wanting to hunker down once in, especially if work to so through the evenings.

How much notice does he have to give on his new place? I would set him up and let him continue, do what you can and make him some meals. He will more thank likely be able to get some work once he’s settled in. If not, things are tight but he’s got to manage on his own now. Facilitate him to stand on his own and be there to catch him if he doesn’t.

He's made the decision to move out, that's probably a very good thing. Now I think yes you need to help him make that move a sucess to the best of your ability....otherwise it will go tits up, he will have wasted a lot of of money, be depressed and will probably want to move back. So yes, help him mum!

Don't see his bank statements. My dad wanted to see my grades. He didn't mind what I did with my money but I was expected to do well at uni if he was helping me out financially. However, once the money was gone, it was my problem to sort.

You are naive to think he'll pay you back, especially this term. He has no idea about budgeting or finances, plus doesn't have a job. I would give him what you can afford as a gift to cover his basic needs (food). Remember, he's chosen to move out in a rush, with zero planning and no job. He could have looked into moving out in January, having sorted his loan and a job somewhere, plus saved for it. He hasn't so he has to live with those consequences.

I absolutely wouldn't be sorting out his phone contract or trip. That's his lookout. He's decided to move out with those commitments so that's up to him to sort out.

Don't have him home on Fridays for cookery lessons. He'll be out with his friends for a start. Buy him a cheap student cookbook (check out charity shops or eBay if you want) and leave him to it.

My mum sometimes gave me treats to take back to uni. A home baked cake, she'd also put a thing or two into her shopping each week and store them up to bring to me. Certainly not a weekly shops worth, but some nice treats.

I know it’s really hard my dd 19 moved away to uni at 17. She struggled at first I helped where I could. She is now great with her money and good with cooking....cleaning is another story.
2 dd both have left home now they are like chalk and cheese and I did the same teachings with both of the re cooking etc one took to it the other wasn’t interested.
It is a worry perhaps you can help him apply for the loans and bursary’s as they are done online (where we live anyway)
Things will get better they do learn. Just be there for him as best you can

It sounds though the loan is not the real issue. To me, it sounds as though you are trying to cling on to him and keep him living at home, and using money to try to control him. Sorry if I’m reaching the wrong conclusion. If you really can’t afford it, then don’t feel guilty. If you CAN afford it but are trying to find reasons not to, in order to keep him at home, then think hard. It’s your job to let go and help him launch into adulthood. Of course he burns toast etc and can’t do it all at once - and he’ll make mistakes and probably ask for loans again. It’s normal. But don’t try to cling on or you risk him resenting you. Once again, I apologise if I have the wrong end of the stick.

Don't get into debt. If he needs a loan, he'll need to apply for one. He needs to be more responsible and realise as an adult he has to manage money himself. He's going to have to learn to cook cheaply - like every other student. He is living in a fantasy land and tough love is what he needs.

Hasn't he got a student loan? That's the way they all do it, with a part time job as well.

Don't give him money because he has used his student loan up on going out

He should stay at home and commute because he can't afford to rent

Whatever you do please don't pay rent and deposits for him

Teach him to cook during the next year and how to run a home

You also need to show him how to budget so that food comes first ... not going out

If you can't afford it, don't lend him the money or lend him what you can afford (even if it's £20)
If you can find the time, though, some frozen nutritious meals seems like a good gesture to help him get on his feet. If not could you set up an Iceland "fill your freezer" shop for £35 (the delivery is free at that price) and set him up that way?
I moved away and my parents weren't able to help me with much money but also didn't help me with the practical side because they didn't support the move. I ended up eating out of food banks and off of a soup kitchen at points, hand washing my clothes in shampoo if it's all I had (and my hair with washing up liquid at another low!). I don't think that taught me anything positive other than that life is tough. It made me work less hard if anything because I was too hungry to work more and got sick from being underweight, and not knowing how to get a doctor. Obviously I worked those things out, and didn't always let my parents know so they didn't know how bad it got, but a freezer full of food would have seen me through well whilst still learning to stand on my own feet.

I actually wouldn’t bother with the cooking stuff at all. He can just eat noodles and Crisps like students for time eternal. Worrying about batch cooking is so Middle Aged.

I do agree with others that young people need support and Help at this age too. I can’t really say about the hard cash as that’s your Decision

Haven't read the whole thread but... what is he studying? Is he attending lectures and going to the library and keeping up with coursework? I am going to bet not.

He can’t cope with an hour commute twice a day (even though he gets a left to/from the station) 🙄 Erm, that’s the reality for most people who work and would be good preparation for him. Just tell him you don’t don’t and can’t support him unless he continues to live at home.

A one hour commute? That’s nothing. Tell him it’s home or nothing. And buy him a bike if he doesn’t like walking to the station. Sorry but was in the same situation but without any help at all when I was at college. He needs to grow up and fast. For his own sake if not yours.

As upsetting this many be for you, regardless of your sons decision to try and do things on his own, you should be there for him regardless. Loving your kids is unconditional.

An hour commute to university really isn't all that much. Trains are a pain going by their reputation but otherwise an hour is nothing. He needs to take some responsibility. He can choose to move out but doing so on a whim is costing you and not him. If you are going to support him with a loan I would make sure he knows not to expect a bail out there after.
19 is old enough to learn what it's like to struggle and deal with responsibilities such as food and Bill's.

I travel to university everyday as a mature student which takes an hour, half by car and half by bus. It's a joy to me as it is plain sailing commute.

Tequila the outrage, for me anyway, is that this is a completely impetuous decision, made with out any regard for practical matters like -
1 - how can I afford £1700 in rent when I have £1500ish in the bank today and no job?
2 - how can I afford food and my phone when I owe £1700 for rent and have no job?
3 - how can I afford the trip I had already arranged when I owe £1700 for rent and can't afford food or my phone?
4 - how will I cook the hypothetical food that I can't afford when I can't even make toast?
5 - how will I be able to combine the trip and holding down the job?
6 - how will I manage time when I have a job plus my lectures plus studying to do if I find the commute irksome?

Never mind the cooking - anyone can learn to feed themselves.

The real issue here is that he put the cart before the horse and expects mum and dad to take up the financial slack that he himself created by his own impetuousness and immaturity.

An allied issue is that the pie in the sky plans were presented as a fait accompli to the parents. This bespeaks either someone who is entitled and arrogant or a situation where he finds communication with his parents very difficult.

How do you get to 19 without an inkling of the sense that moving to your own lodgings will involve planning and that affordability will be the issue you need to take into account?

If he thinks getting dropped off and collected for an hours train journey is too much he is in for a shock when he does start to work. He must know surely what your circumstances are relating to finance. He is certainly immature or just not interested in anything other than himself (it's that entitlement again). How would he pay any loan back? Perhaps he should stay at home, get a job, save some money then go to college. He's 19 so another year won't make much difference. Also get him a simple cookbook and show him how to use a washing machine in the year.

His is he 19 and can't look after himself? I have sons and even at age 5&7 they have chores. They will leave home knowing how to look after themselves and will not burden yet another woman (or indeed man) with their lack of self sufficiency.

With all the support needed for a 19 year old posts suppose that same 19 year old will need escorted and monitored in, to and from the pub, need chaperoned amongst females/males and have to be taken shopping for his pot noodles. No wonder this male seems immature if these "need support" comments are the standard for parenting these days.

Hi OP, I haven’t read the whole thread ( sorry!).
I managed to survive at uni living off a student loan and working during uni holidays. If he’s short because he’s moved out so quickly perhaps he should have planned this better although too late now. Most students can get an interest free overdraft whilst at uni- this could be useful for emergencies such as now. 300 on a 3 year interest free overdraft is allot easier for him to pay back than you to save by your post.
He prob needs to get a week end job also. I couldn’t have survived without working alongside my degree.

I've clicked unreasonable on the basis that by 19 he should already know how to cook and look after himself - that's on you as parents and you cant suddenly expect him to stand on his own two feet.

If however you've tried to teach him these skills and he's either not been bothered or not taken it in for whatever reason then he's being unreasonable and needs to learn the hard way now.