To be both sad and happy my DD is “unremarkable”

[GreyCloudsandSunshine]

Said by her teacher during parents evening. She’s 5, in Year 1. Last year she never got a celebration certificate in assembly from the head –each week the head chooses people from each class, there’s no set amount of children chosen but DD has never been chosen--, she never got to the very top of the behaviour chart to earn extra house points, she didn’t get to do the celebration trip last year as she had never had a celebration certificate, but she also never got to the very bottom of the behaviour chart either.

Her Reception teacher said she was quiet, polite and well behaved. Her Year 1 teacher said she is quiet, thoughtful but unremarkable.

I am so very proud that she gets on with things and doesn’t draw attention to herself for bad things, but I am also sad that she’s seen as a little too quiet. She works hard, gets it done, but the teacher has 25 others in her class, some of whom have significant SN (It’s obvious with some of them due to the way they walk/speak) and I know of at least 1 who has significant behaviour issues (talked about on the parents whatsapp, the parent of said child apologises).

This is not against her teacher, or her Reception teacher, both seem lovely and I liked both. The Year 1 teacher knew who she was, and the way she described DD is very like her so I’m not concerned for that. She answers questions in class, but is never so exceptional or naughty that she gets recognised for that.

She isn’t good at anything in particular, she’s bang on where she should be in Literacy, a little behind in Numeracy but nothing to be overly worried about (her teachers words), she enjoys the other topics offered by the school. She does extracurricular activities; swimming, judo and rainbows, she’s neither good or bad at those. She’s just average. Which I like, but also makes me wonder what she has to do to be recognised, why is average not good enough?

Part of me would want to dye her hair bright pink in retaliation

I'm sorry that is a truly dreadful and demoralising thing to say about a well behaved kid. And these reward certificates are so bloody unfair and teach all the wrong behaviours.

My DD1 was a bit like this- pretty bright but in a class with 2 super bright kids (who got lots of awards) and a raft of kids who played up. The second this lot did something well, they got an award (eg participated in something without causing a ruckus) . DD saw the unfairness of it all but could do nothing.
First year of secondary was over and she has come into her own. and is so much happier.

At school I was always 'Demi is a quiet but valuable member of the class'...which I interpreted as 'who????'. I eventually became more feisty.

I would never tell a parent their child is unremarkable. What an awful thing to say I'm sure your DD isn't unremarkable at all. Focus on the positive things about her progress and ignore that comment.

Haven’t read whole thread but that was shitty vocabulary to use.

My DD is “unremarkable” at school but honestly the kindest child I’ve ever met. Other parents often approach me and say “thank DD because my child was upset/hurt and DD did X”. I’m sure yours has her own unique qualities even if teacher can’t see them!

At school I was in gifted and talented and did my SATs two years early, was chair of school council etc etc...and am now distinctly unremarkable so past performance is not indicative of future behaviour. She’s only 5. Chill, and hope the next teacher sees herb

*sees her for the lovely kid she is

My DS is quiet, reserved and thoughtful, often overlooked by teachers who don't see his best qualities because he is shy and doesn't show off. Generally it takes most of the year for them to get to know him, then he moves class. A good teacher brings out the best in a child and doesn't only pay attention to those who shout loudest and shine brightest.

My middle DC was quiet, middle of the road academically, mostly well behaved and good, but not great, at sports in a class that had a sporting star.

At secondary parent’s evenings some teachers would check their photo sheets because they didn’t really know who she was. But she has very high emotional intelligence and makes friends easily, is good at asking for, then using, feedback and works hard.

Unremarkably, this child who followed the instructions got very good GCSE and A levels, has just graduated and is working in a well paid job.
I think she’s amazing as is your Daughter OP.

Before the teacher is lynched by a mob of angry mnetters, I strongly suspect it was a foot in mouth moment (one of my favourite cartoons has a teacher talking to two very nervous parents, saying “I always say, I’d rather have your lovely Timmy in my class than all the bright clever ones.”).

But, as a teacher, it’s just bollocks. My class is noisy, smelly, needy... and every single child is absolutely remarkable. Like most teachers I don’t like parents evenings- but what I do like is focussing on all the individual achievements. And every child has them.

FWIW, my at one parents evening, we were told that dd might even be average at the end of the year, if she continued to progress... my dh is very mild mannered, but I had to talk him out of complaining. I did point out that average isn’t actually an insult.

That's not a very nice thing for her teacher to say tbh. However, being "average" at five means nothing anyway. I know of plenty of people who were average at age 5, and even average by age 12, and have still gone on to be high achievers later on (not that there's anything wrong with being average all your life!). The main thing is that she's happy.

You have just described my DD who is now a teen. Quiet well behaved and average marks. Some of the remarks through school have astonished me. One teacher said she was great as she never spoke, another said her head is empty just full of rainbows and butterflies (she was 6 at the time)

Now as a teen she has found her voice and is looking for a direction for a career. Sadly the butterflies and rainbows have gone.

She was very like me as a child.

Two of my children were “unremarkable” at school. They didn’t speak out of turn and just go on with what they were asked. They never made any friends and in later years started getting seriously bullied.

We repeatedly went back and forth to the school because we thought something wasn’t right only to be told the were quiet and well behaved as though that was the only thing that mattered.

Eventually after a few years of them being overlooked in favour of children who were “remarkable” in some way(!) we got sick of it and withdrew all our children from school to home educate. They have now been diagnosed with autism (which often presents in girls like this).

More than that they are finally “remarkable” because they are noticed each day.

I’m not saying everyone should home educate! But this is a problem with the school system expecting teachers to look after 30 children when really no one can look after, appreciate and educate that many children without some becoming “unremarkable” .

Unremarkable is a bad choice of words. This teacher sounds like she has a lot of kids to keep under control. In such a situation it’s hard not to focus on the naughty kids and just give credit to the good kids.

But she won’t always be your daughter’s teacher and hopefully one will come along who will see your daughter’s gifts. Your DD’s ability to work hard and to work consistently are remarkable in themselves.

Op, I would complain. Politely but firmly point out how insulting that word is. If she had a foot in mouth moment, she’ll apologise. If she is unaware, you’ll educate her. But definitely raise it. Most of our children are unremarkable and average (I wouldn’t either wish gifted or troubled on anyone) but if a teacher can’t identify special attributes in every child then they are in the wrong job.

Complaint to teacher first. Escalate as required.

At that age I was unremarkable, his school would probably argue that my son was also the same as we didn't 'stand out'. Guess what? It took a while but, at 45, I've hit my stride and my son is destined to do well at uni.
Take absolutely no notice. We all shine in our own time and in our own way.
FWIW the teacher sounds like an arse. Be pleased that you aren't the parent who had the 'your child is a little shit' conversation.

I think the teacher has been very insensitive.

The word " unremarkable" is often used in medical terminology, and perhaps educational settings- I don't know.

My OH - who has not been to see the GP for 15 years recently attended for a minor ailment. The GP decided to run a whole load of tests while he was there ( he is 60 now) including blood sugar, blood pressure, liver function ECG etc.
At his follow up the doctor told him he was unremarkable- my OH thought that a strange thing to say, but apparently in medical terms that is good! Meaning all tests came back within normal range, and no follow up required.

I wonder if the teacher has also used this in a "technical" way, rather than a value judgement.

Yes. I'm a teacher. That is a horrible thing to say.

1 who has significant behaviour issues (talked about on the parents whatsapp, the parent of said child apologises).

I am sorry I just can't get past this bit. That poor parent and that poor child.

It sounds like the school is not a good one. In no circumstances should a child be referred to as unremarkable.

That’s an awful way to describe a 5 year old. I’m sure there are plenty of remarkable things about your dd.

I expect it was a bit of a foot in mouth moment for the teachers and she regrets describing your dd in that way. Quiet, well behaved and where she should be academically would have been a better description.

One teacher told me my quiet well behaved child was likely to fall below the radar in future if not careful and it was true.

As an ex teacher I agree that it's the middle group who do well enough and have no behaviour issues, that are the ones at the bottom of the pile for intervention. The bright ones get pushed with special classes etc, the less able get extra help. The behavior problems demand attention. The pushy or confident ones also get naturally noticed. There is little room for the rest. But it is important to recognise them in some way, and yes normally certificates are given to all children at some point in the year to make sure everyone gets a turn. But if there are 30 weeks in a school year and 30 children, some have to be last. I hope your dd gets a chance.

I doubt she's unremarkable. All the kids I knew like this were "late bloomers" and ended up excelling later on. (And a lot of the gifted and talented types ended up riddled with inadequacy and mental heath problems when their supposed genius did not come into fruition).

A book recommendation ‘The Ordinary Princess’ by M.M.Kaye

It’s a children’s book that I think you would benefit from reading and when she’s ready for it sounds like would be good for your DD. It’s lovely.

Well you said it yourself 25 other kids, so she doesn’t stand out for either being good or naughty

I think what she probably meant was that your DD’s behaviour was unremarkable, not DD herself! It was a very thoughtless way of expressing herself

However your issue doesn’t seem to be the teacher but your DD. Don’t be sad that she’s quiet & just gets it done - be happy! That in itself is a brilliant trait in life

It’s really fabulous when someone is motivated to just do something because it needs doing and not to get rewarded or recognised. It might not have ‘the feel good factor’ of getting ‘rewards/certificates’ but it’s something you should admire about her!! (But don’t ruin it by going on about it or it’ll change)

Why does she need external recognition? Self worth comes from within and from having parents who value you for who you are. As long as you're doing that she'll be fine! you think she's remarkable, right? That's all that matters for her to believe in herself. She's 5!

I strive to be an unremarkable person, myself.

yr6 Leaver's Assembly, the teachers read out a sentence to summarise each leaver. DS was described with "so interested in everything"! It was so spectacularly bland. True though. DS turned into a swot in yr7. He's happy with that.

my other 2 DSs had lots of issues at school. I would have much preferred 'unremarkable'.

DD wasn't with me at parents evening so doesn't know exactly what was said. I took it to mean she's no trouble and a bit boring, honestly I'd take that over her playing up all the time any day!

I have told DD I am proud of her, she has a group of friends and gets invited to parties, so she can't be doing too bad socially. She also has friends at Judo and Rainbows (swimming is a bit difficult to make friends) so it's not all school focused. She is just average intelligence which is fine too, it just felt sad that the teacher didn't really know her.

I have rewarded her for being a conscientious pupil, and I will speak to the headteacher about the celebration certificates, I'm hoping it's more not been thought out properly to include everyone than delibrate to only praise the high achievers/troublemakers.