To be both sad and happy my DD is “unremarkable”

[GreyCloudsandSunshine]

Said by her teacher during parents evening. She’s 5, in Year 1. Last year she never got a celebration certificate in assembly from the head –each week the head chooses people from each class, there’s no set amount of children chosen but DD has never been chosen--, she never got to the very top of the behaviour chart to earn extra house points, she didn’t get to do the celebration trip last year as she had never had a celebration certificate, but she also never got to the very bottom of the behaviour chart either.

Her Reception teacher said she was quiet, polite and well behaved. Her Year 1 teacher said she is quiet, thoughtful but unremarkable.

I am so very proud that she gets on with things and doesn’t draw attention to herself for bad things, but I am also sad that she’s seen as a little too quiet. She works hard, gets it done, but the teacher has 25 others in her class, some of whom have significant SN (It’s obvious with some of them due to the way they walk/speak) and I know of at least 1 who has significant behaviour issues (talked about on the parents whatsapp, the parent of said child apologises).

This is not against her teacher, or her Reception teacher, both seem lovely and I liked both. The Year 1 teacher knew who she was, and the way she described DD is very like her so I’m not concerned for that. She answers questions in class, but is never so exceptional or naughty that she gets recognised for that.

She isn’t good at anything in particular, she’s bang on where she should be in Literacy, a little behind in Numeracy but nothing to be overly worried about (her teachers words), she enjoys the other topics offered by the school. She does extracurricular activities; swimming, judo and rainbows, she’s neither good or bad at those. She’s just average. Which I like, but also makes me wonder what she has to do to be recognised, why is average not good enough?

Why does she need external recognition?

She probably doesn't,but it's nice to get. People working in schools should recognise that more than others, not just because of child psychology but from personal experience.

“ Why does she need external recognition?” because she’s a human being?

She is just average intelligence which is fine too, it just felt sad that the teacher didn't really know her.

1. Average intelligence. Who knows? She is still too young. A lot of high flyers at primary tail off later. You don't know if/ when she'll take off, but don't limit her as 'average'. If she is indeed, actually 'average' academically by the time she does GCSEs, then there are loads of options other than A levels, but it's a long road. I know very very successful (and clever) people who didn't even do A levels.

1. The teacher didn't really know her. Well, to be fair it's only been a few weeks and it is harder to get to know the quieter ones, but doesn't mean she won't know her by Christmas. I have rarely found a teacher that had insight into my child this early in the year. In fact, last year ds2's teacher said he doesn't really know the children yet and so just used parents' evening to tell us his style of teaching, how he likes to treat the kids, expectations etc. I appreciated his honesty and he was one of the more insightful teachers! The Feb parents' evening is usually much better. The end of year report even better. However, some teachers just never 'get' the kids. I have had a couple but not that many.

Not a good thing to say by a teacher. Unfortunately it’s those sort of kids, I was one I suppose, that don’t get recognised by the teachers etc. as they are quiet and don’t need so much attention as they are average. Unfortunately in my case I know I could’ve done much better in school had I received it.
5 is so young though. Neither of my teen DCs are now anything like they were at that age. Academically they didn’t shine until later in primary either - ds Couldn’t read in Year 1 really but did v well in Year 2 sats.
All kids have their own uniqueness!

I think you're wrong Bertrand. All the external recognition in the world won't help a child whose parents don't see her worth. (Not suggesting that the OP is like this).

Some teachers will see it, some won't. Best not to teach a child that's where her sense of worth should come from because it's completely outside of her control. I've spent nearly 40 years trying to get my npd mother to recognise my worth - i'd be a lot happier if i'd realised 20 years ago that some people just don't see it, and nothing you do will change that.

Not a nice thing for a teacher to say I would never describe a child like that!

This is one of my favourite poems, written by Larkin for Kingsley Amis’s daughter. I think it’s a good thing to remind ourselves of, in terms of being ‘average’ and what constitutes happiness:

Born Yesterday
By Philip Larkin

For Sally Amis

Tightly-folded bud,
I have wished you something
None of the others would:
Not the usual stuff
About being beautiful,
Or running off a spring
Of innocence and love —
They will all wish you that,
And should it prove possible,
Well, you’re a lucky girl.

But if it shouldn’t, then
May you be ordinary;
Have, like other women,
An average of talents:
Not ugly, not good-looking,
Nothing uncustomary
To pull you off your balance,
That, unworkable itself,
Stops all the rest from working.
In fact, may you be dull —
If that is what a skilled,
Vigilant, flexible,
Unemphasised, enthralled
Catching of happiness is called.

As a teacher I would never say this.

These are absolutely not unremarkable children, the lovely, hardworking 'average' ones. I'd love to have classes full of exactly these children. They're a joy to teach.

Ultimately they go on to be successful adults because they're nice people who work hard and get on with everyone. Which is far more important than being super clever.

Dd1 was criticised for being quiet in reception, and it was said as a criticism. I used to think "surely that's better than if she was being disruptive"
Funnily enough it wasn't until she moved to a large comp, when you'd think a quiet kid would really fly under the radar, that she seemed to really be appreciated for being well behaved and quietly working hard. Lots of praise and recognition from teachers for the first time. Hopefully you won't have as long to wait!

Thought I'd update after the second parents evening this week.

The teacher was a lot more positive about DD this time, says she's still behind a bit in maths but is average in english. She's said that DD is a "positive influence".

She's still not had a celebration certificate in assembly but has come home with several awards from the top of the behaviour chart so I am happy and very proud.

I think the teacher just didn't really know DD back in October.

As a teacher, I would be advising you to put in some sort of complaint as that is disgusting language to use to describe a child.

Every child is remarkable in their own way.

@Tableclothing er, you do know what happened to Sally Amis, don't you? Maybe not the best choice of poem to post

Well that sounds a bit more positive.

At the end of my dd first reception year I was informed at parents evening that my daughter wasn't particularly academic and was at best average. She was artistic but that's all. She did her first set of Sat's and was above average in all but one. Now she is 24. She has quite a severe mental illness which has set back her ambition to be a doctor but she has the grades to get into medical school when ready. The first report never reflects your child's abilities. They develop them over time.

I remember this as I found it to be an extraordinary word to use by a teacher to describe a child.

I would be beside myself with offence at the teacher being so rude and obtuse in her language.

It's not that I think my children are exceptionally "remarkable"...it's more that I think the teacher has an enormous bloody cheek feeling comfortable describing a child...my child.... like that.

I would have had to point that out to her.

That teacher is flipping rude. What a nasty thing to say about your DD.
Look- there is nothing wrong with the way she is. Most kids fall somewhere in the average bell curve of academia if you look at the statistics. That doesnt mean plenty of those kids havent grown up to be highly successful and amazing individuals. Personally, I think its ideal. All the "gifted" kids I know have grown up a bit...well,strange. Havent you ever wondered why we never hear of the gifted kids we used to see on the TV years ago? its because they ended up just like the rest of us in the end.

If it helps:
Walt Disney was told he "lacked imagination"
JK Rowling took her debut novel HP to 12 different publishers who all rejected it
Oprah winfrey was told she'd never be a TV presenter
Albert Einstein didnt speak until he was 4 or read until age 7
Marilyn Monroe was told she'd never make it as a movie star and should "become a secretary"
Stephen Spielberg was rejected from film school three times

Opinions are not fact. They are just opinions. Thats all.

If it makes you feel better my dbro was the same until it was discovered, at 7, that he was a genius. At 5 nobody really looks at potential and any feedback is kind of pointless if she’s well behaved and not having problems.

All children are remarkable. Human life is remarkable. I would be extremely disappointed if a colleague of mine ever described any child as unremarkable, what an astoundingly poor choice of word.

There are 39 weeks in the school year - every child should be star of the week at least once! At our school, the teachers make sure everyone gets it at least once, and that it's for genuine reasons. Sometimes they really have to look for the reasons, but there is always something to be celebrated in every child!

Haven't RTFT but wanted to say that I read somewhere that teachers trend to underestimate the abilities of quiet children and overestimate the abilities of extroverted children. As happens in life I'm general, I'm sure...

It means sod all anyway. I have two dc who would have been classed as unremarkable at aged 5, who as young adults are doing extremely well. They have peers who were in the "gifted and talented" program who aren't doing so well. Your dd sounds great to me!

Mine was unnoticeable. To the extent where there was an Easter egg hunt, and my DD solved the clue and found the basket (with eggs for the whole class) a more popular girl of the same name won praise for finding it as the teacher was told (girls name) found it and they assumed the only other of the same name! In all the Primary years she never ever got a good behaviour award despite always being well behaved (it says so on her reports), DD used to try to be most helpful by helping clearing up in break time etc but still no award, she was so saddened she even questioned whether she shouldn't behave very badly for a week to then improve and get an award.

Nice to see the update, OP. Your dd sounds lovely. And absolutely agree with pp who have pointed out that she doesn't have to discover some astonishing hidden talent: the world needs the quiet and the polite and the hard-working. They are something to be proud of. BE PROUD!

For the record, don't imagine the parents of the "other"
kind of child have pleasant parents evenings. They really, really do not. The child may get the occasional certificate, but that isn't going to alleviate the pain of sitting there and hearing from teacher after teacher how they'd rather not have your child in their class.

My dd, as it so happens, was well behaved and hard-working, but I cannot recollect a single parents evening, or school report, until she got to secondary that did not focus on what a nuisance it was to have a disabled child in the class, and how bad it was that she was frequently absent for hospital treatment. Or, as the head, so memorably put it "yes, of course we understand that corydd is ill BUT YOU CAN'T EXPECT US TO BE HAPPY ABOUT IT".

You don't want to the parent of the child that nobody is happy about.

I will probably get flamed for this but I read the teacher's comment in a bit of a different way. I think by saying 'unremarkable' she just means your DD isn't majorly excelling in any particular area, and there's nothing wrong with that. She's doing OK, there's nothing amazing about her abilities but nothing to worry about either.

As a Girlguiding leader (not rainbows but other ages) I love girls like this.. they seem to just plod along but when you get to know them and they grow in confidence it is so special. Maybe you could speak to her rainbows leader and just say you are worried about her getting ‘lost in the crowd’ so to speak and see if she give dd a bit of extra attention for a few weeks. Also you could work on badges at home to earn in her badge book and when she gets presented with them at rainbows she will feel so special.