Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with DH? AIBU.

241 replies

OverThinker0507 · 11/10/2019 00:54

We are supposed to be going away for the weekend tomorrow with our DC’s (primary aged). We have a 180 mile trip at 10am tomorrow. He told me he was going out for a meal and a few drinks for his friends birthday - which is fine - I waved them off at 7 this evening. It’s now approaching 1am and he isn’t home - he has decided to drink until the pubs close. He doesn’t go out often with friends , yet when he does he always takes it too far (drinks wise) - as in coming home very very drunk.

He will be home shortly and he will most likely just collapse on the sofa - but my point is he will still be over the limit tomorrow which isn’t safe for anyone. I’m furious as we are supposed to be going away with extended family also in the morning.

Please tell me how to handle this situation.

OP posts:
Damntheman · 11/10/2019 11:55

Joining the chorus of 'leave him at home'. He's a selfish dick, he fucked up and made you run circles to fix his mess and it's not okay.

Ninkaninus · 11/10/2019 11:56

If he has a problem driving he should discuss that with his wife in a grown-up fashion, not wait until the night before he’s due to drive the family for a weekend away and then act like a passive aggressive manchild. Stop making excuses for his behaviour.

So many people must live in really shitty, unequal relationships to be so heavily invested in arguing that one shouldn’t rightfully be angry at the father of one’s children behaving this way. Put up with it if you want but that doesn’t mean you need to try to convince everybody else to be happy with it too.

He needs to buck up his ideas. And in future, OP, don’t play along when he says he’s only going to have a couple. He’s not capable of doing that and you both know it. Be clear and direct and honest about things and work out what’s going to happen beforehand, so that you both can manage it together, appropriately.

CucinaBreakfast · 11/10/2019 12:01

Ive been in a similar situation. He'll be hung over, so just ignore it, do NOT sympathise or be extra lenient with him (or expect the kids to). He'll feel awful but won't be able to complain, and if you don't fly off the handle you'll have been extra reasonable and he can't get defensive.
Fwiw I'd be pissed off

MotherofTerriers · 11/10/2019 12:02

If this isn't a one off, why not buy a breathalyser to keep at home?

stealthbanana · 11/10/2019 12:26

Still not getting the angst about the driving.

7 pints = (assuming he was drinking standard UK pub lager which is usually around 4%) 15ish units. Even if the husband metabolises at 1 unit an hour that’s 15 hours. 15 hours from 7pm is...10am. (And that’s before you take into account that he doesn’t have to have a zero blood alcohol reading to drive.)

What’s all this it takes 17 hours from when you stop drinking nonsense?

Anyway, agree he sounds a bit of a twat for getting drunk before you were due to have a big family drive, but if it’s not an ongoing problem I’d be unlikely to be furious about it. Is there a back story to this OP?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/10/2019 12:32

morning-after.org.uk/?page_id=82

Wedontneedanotherusername · 11/10/2019 12:48

People on this thread are being weird... it’s not about him not being able to go out and have a drink - it’s that he said he was driving and has drunk so much that now he can’t - causing stress.

Op you were on a hiding to nothing arguing about it last night when he was drunk and this morning when he’s hungover though - you were never going to get a contrite response.

Wonkybanana · 11/10/2019 13:09

I feel guilty for shouting at him like that

He does want to go away but he just can’t help himself when he goes out with his friends it’s like he turns into a child himself

Aww diddums. He can't help himself?? Yes he can. He just doesn't want to. And now you're the one feeling guilty. Stuff that.

ineedaholidaynow · 11/10/2019 13:37

Problem is with people who just can't help themselves when out with friends are then those who drive over the limit in the morning.

If you know you are the designated driver the next day, you don't drink copious amounts the night before

Graphista · 11/10/2019 13:44

Pointless arguing while he's still drunk/hungover. But certainly once you're home after the weekend a discussion on him letting you all down is warranted. But then speeding is also dangerous, selfish and thoughtless

Neither of you sound like responsible drivers to be honest

Rachelover60 · 11/10/2019 13:46

I'm surprised he could stand after seven pints + Budweiser.

How old is he?

He was definitely in the wrong. I hope he assures you he will not do it again.

I think 180 miles is a lot to drive in one day, I know we all vary but I'm not a comfortable passenger and gave up driving years ago.

Hope you managed to go on your trip, however you did it, op.

user1480880826 · 11/10/2019 13:49

Why aren’t you insured on your husbands car? That’s a bit odd isn’t it?

rookiemere · 11/10/2019 13:53

User if you actually read the thread before posting you'd know the answer to that one.

Livpool · 11/10/2019 14:24

I would annoyed but unless this happens a lot I would forget about it and enjoy the weekend. I have messed up in my relationship, as has my DH. We discuss things and move on

Nondescriptname · 11/10/2019 14:30

he just can’t help himself when he goes out with his friends it’s like he turns into a child himself

Would this have happened if he had to be at work at 10am today?

Ask him - "DH, you knew you were meant to be driving today. Why did you think it was okay to get plastered?"

Don't get distracted into whether you reacted badly, his right to have fun with his friends, or whatever.

What did he think was going to happen about the driving today?

NearlyGranny · 11/10/2019 14:41

I'm really glad you're insured now and he's not going to be driving until he's safe!

The issue here seems to be that he is reluctant to apologise and likes being in the right. The pair of you will keep hitting that rock until he learns how to resolve disagreements and arguments fairly.

Can you pick a good moment after the break and tell him you want to discuss the whole issue of apologies with him and help him get to the bottom of why he finds it so hard?

LizB62A · 11/10/2019 14:43

I'm shocked at how many people don't understand (or don't care?) how long it takes for our bodies to metabolise alcohol !!

The PP whose mentioned a taxi driver who drunk loads and was "fine to drive the next day" - I bet they would have failed a breathalyser.

As someone else said, I really hope none of you idiots live near me as it sounds like you're probably driving far too soon the morning after the night before.

OP - your other half is either an idiot or just didn't want to go today, or didn't care that he was messing it up for everyone else.

timshelthechoice · 11/10/2019 15:48

He wouldn't have been okay to drive. There was a thread on here not too long ago the person, who is an alcoholic in denial so drank a lot, thought she was capable the next day and now has a DUI (and is still drinking). People who do this kill and injure people. They're low lives. And if you're in Scotland, watch out, the limit is near to zero and they are strict on enforcing it.

53rdWay · 11/10/2019 16:05

You can pick up a breathalyser for pretty cheap on Amazon. I really would recommend that all the people on here saying he’d have been totally fine to drive, bit of sleep and some coffee would have sorted it, get one for themselves.

ineedaholidaynow · 11/10/2019 16:33

Can some people on here say they would honestly drive in the morning after drinking 7 pints the night before?

timshelthechoice · 11/10/2019 17:02

Can some people on here say they would honestly drive in the morning after drinking 7 pints the night before?

Obviously so going by the responses. Or think drinking loads of water or coffee will magically purge you of alcohol. Or the bunkum that he stopped at 7pm. He'd have been pole axed and alcohol fucks with your sleep. Fucking hell. The limits needs to be zero because it's the only think some numpties. Too many wankers out there playing with other peoples' lives by getting behind the wheel the day after, how selfish and stupid can you get and all too often, other people pay the price.

ineedaholidaynow · 11/10/2019 18:04

Is is the fact that he goes to bed in between drinking and then driving make people think he would miraculously sober up and all the alcohol leave his bloodstream and so it will be fine.

What if the DH had had an early boozy lunch and had 4 pints, would people be saying he would be fine to do the school run?

Beveren · 11/10/2019 18:10

OP, I hope he paid for the insurance?

WMPAGL · 11/10/2019 18:20

OP, of course he can control himself when he goes out with his friends. He's a grown up. He chooses not to control himself and to behave like a child ("geez, mom, sorry for going out with my friieennds!")

Is he so irresponsible that he doesn't break the consequences of his actions or does he just know that you'll pick up the slack of his family obligations when he decides he can't be bothered?

Ask yourself would he have behaved the same way if he was due to drive somewhere today that he really wanted to go for his own selfish reasons?

timshelthechoice · 11/10/2019 18:30

OP, I hope he paid for the insurance?

A lot of married couples share finances and put everything in one pot.

Swipe left for the next trending thread