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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with DH? AIBU.

241 replies

OverThinker0507 · 11/10/2019 00:54

We are supposed to be going away for the weekend tomorrow with our DC’s (primary aged). We have a 180 mile trip at 10am tomorrow. He told me he was going out for a meal and a few drinks for his friends birthday - which is fine - I waved them off at 7 this evening. It’s now approaching 1am and he isn’t home - he has decided to drink until the pubs close. He doesn’t go out often with friends , yet when he does he always takes it too far (drinks wise) - as in coming home very very drunk.

He will be home shortly and he will most likely just collapse on the sofa - but my point is he will still be over the limit tomorrow which isn’t safe for anyone. I’m furious as we are supposed to be going away with extended family also in the morning.

Please tell me how to handle this situation.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/10/2019 08:20

He's a dick, OP.
How can he possibly know that no one else had to come home to "this" - i.e. your totally justifiable annoyance that he's arsed up today's plans by getting ratarsed - unless all his friends are single males who regularly get pissed but don't have wives/partners etc. at home?

I can't be arsed with the whole "oh bless him he's allowed to have some fun" nonsense - of course he is, we all are, but not when it totally fucks up plans with the family the next day. That's just selfish cuntery. He didn't NEED to drink as much as he says he drank (probably more than he told the OP anyway), he CHOSE to, knowing that it would fuck up today's plans.
NO excuse.

I'd be very angry too.

Juells · 11/10/2019 08:20

Derbee
StoppinBy if you reread the thread, I’m pretty sure OP said her mum is going in their car with them, not that her mum was driving

No, the OP said I could get day insurance I guess but I don’t really want to do that. His mum is coming in our car too. My family are setting out at 10.

XXXXXX42 · 11/10/2019 08:22

180 miles isn’t far for one person to drive. It takes between 3 and 3.5hrs if you don’t stop. My office and my ILs are both 180 miles away so I do the journey pretty regularly.

welshladywhois40 · 11/10/2019 08:23

It's not the driving that would annoy me actually and I would struggle to understand why op isn't insured on the car either?

It would be the lack of help or having a grumpy hungover husband to deal with the next morning.

Without understanding your relationship - pick your battles. I have now found if you want your relationship to succeed to tell him you are not happy and you move on.

I think it's important to both have a social life and next time he doesn't pick the night before going away to go out

Blondebakingmumma · 11/10/2019 08:24

I must have a very different relationship to many posters on this thread. I wouldn’t be giving my hubby grief unless he is too ill to travel in the morning.

It’s healthy to socialize with friends outside of the family.

It’s not the 1950s because I’d expect my hubby would be supportive of me going out too and not giving me grief if I have one too many with a bunch of friends.

The only issue is OP not being on the insurance and not seeming very confident to drive

Beveren · 11/10/2019 08:25

@Juells if OP has her own car, and just isn’t insured on her DH’s car, wouldn’t they just go in her car? I think you might be making assumptions?

With children in the plural travelling plus three adults, I suspect car size is a factor there.

rookiemere · 11/10/2019 08:27

Wow just always the woman's fault for some people. It's not a crime not to be a confident driver - although on mumsnet apparently it is- and presumably OP is not on insurance to save money and because - barring the scenario where her DH goes out and gets legless night before a big drive - she doesn't need to be.

Beveren · 11/10/2019 08:28

I don't think anyone's suggesting OP's husband was wrong to socialise with his friends, Blondebakingmumma. But, when you have an earlyish start the following day to drive 180 miles, common sense suggests that you can socialise just as well without drinking 7 pints and staying out till 1.

Derbee · 11/10/2019 08:28

But if she’s got her own car, chances are she’s
Insured third party on DH’s car?

Osirus · 11/10/2019 08:28

The only issue is OP not being on the insurance and not seeming very confident to drive

No, the issue is that they had plans and he clearly couldn’t give a toss.

Think you are widely missing the point.

MintyMabel · 11/10/2019 08:32

I wouldn’t be giving my hubby grief unless he is too ill to travel in the morning.

He will be over the limit to drive, meaning the trip can’t happen when it was supposed to. That’s why he is getting grief. It was a selfish thing to do.

With children in the plural travelling plus three adults, I suspect car size is a factor there

If “his” car, is the family car, they should both be on the insurance. It doesn’t generally cost much to do that. We have two cars, we are insured for both. I can’t understand why that hasn’t happened. Whenever I’ve seen it is is usually man being all ‘I’m not letting you drive MY car’ which is shitty.

QualCheckBot · 11/10/2019 08:32

What low expectations some posters have on here of the men in their lives. I can't stand men who stay out binge drinking (and of course 7 pints is binge drinking) and I would be particularly irked if, when they eventually came home, they came out with the line "no-one else comes home to this". As if you are meant to be grateful for them coming home at all and not shacking up with someone else as part of their drunken party.

Neither is it for the OP to "get herself" on her DH's car's insurance. Its his car, so he will have to add her to the policy or she will need his consent to be insured to drive it. The former is much cheaper and if the DH had any sense, would have been done already. She might choose to do it to get round this particular difficulty but I'd question putting up with an unreliable DH who behaves like this long term.

Its also not for everyone to leave late in order to accommodate a drunken DH. Its dark early now so the day will be half gone by the time the little darling is able to travel.

Its totally irresponsible of him to drink so much the night before he knows he will be driving. If there was some way of arranging the above and leaving him at home, I would do it. I don't think he deserves to be part of this family trip. He has to realise that drinking heavily before a planned drive has consequences. I know at least two people who have been caught drink driving the morning after doing similar and been banned. The police look out for these sort of drivers the next morning.

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 11/10/2019 08:32

You'll need to get insured on the car for the day. He won't be able to drive until the afternoon. 5 pints of 4% beer ? He won't be able to drive till 1pm? Stronger beer or shorts - takes you up to late afternoon.
Personally I'd rather risk a uninsured sober, rested driver at the wheel than a hungover, tired possibly still over the limit driver who is more dangerous AND who invalidates their own insurance by being DUI

MintyMabel · 11/10/2019 08:33

Insured third party on DH’s car?

That should only ever be relied on as an emergency measure. Nobody should set out on a long trip with third party insurance.

Original poster
OverThinker0507 · 11/10/2019 08:35

Good morning everyone - thank you for your replies ! He has woken up (as the DC’s ran downstairs and woke him). I’ve just heard him get some paracetamol and water. I was just so annoyed last night I shouted at him and told him to go to his mums for the night and he can explain how he has had “7 pints” before our trip and didn’t think of anyone but himself. I am not insured as I have 6 points on my licence for speeding - could get insured but I only work round the corner from my home so it wasn’t a must to get insured at the time.

I feel guilty for shouting at him like that. He does want to go away but he just can’t help himself when he goes out with his friends it’s like he turns into a child himself - it would have been more than 7 pints he had.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 11/10/2019 08:35

I'm not understanding why

Socialising = going out and getting pissed till 1am

This is really dangerous to keep advocating. I go out with friends. I have a couple of drinks. I'm home by 11 and able to drive and work with small children the next day.

No one is saying OP's DH shouldn't have gone out. He did not need to b driving so much or stay out so late the day before a family holiday. I'd be livid and I wouldn't just be 'moving on' and allowing him to sit in the passenger seat hungover, without saying a word. He's selfish, immature and many other words I won't use.

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 11/10/2019 08:36

Of course YANBU to be hacked off. I'd be pissed off if my missus did this as it's inconvenient because of the timing but I would just take over the driving. He'll be feeling sorry for himself getting up and being stuck in a car for 3 hours, the state he's in. I'm not sure you need to give him much more grief about it.
DO NOT let him get behind the wheel of a car today.

MintyMabel · 11/10/2019 08:36

If there was some way of arranging the above and leaving him at home, I would do it

Me too. Sometimes you put your family first. Mates birthday doesn’t trump family. He could have gone and had a couple of pints. If he is unable to, then he needs to look at his drinking.

AntiHop · 11/10/2019 08:36

I'd be furious too. Why can't you take your car? Is it too small? I'd take your car and leave him behind, then you'll have space.

MerryMarigold · 11/10/2019 08:36

So, OP, he can't drive. What are you going to do? Put your entire family at risk?

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 11/10/2019 08:37

7 pints? He's not clear to drive for almost 24 hours...

fairynick · 11/10/2019 08:37

I can drive but am not insured on my DP car because I don’t need to be. He works all over and drives there whereas I just work round the corner so walk or get the bus on a rainy day. We do it because insurance isn’t cheap and it’s not necessary for us. People are completely missing the point of the thread.
I’d be fine with my DP going out and getting pissed, we all do it from time to time. However, I’d be furious if we already had plans and he then went out and got pissed and ruined those plans. It’s really selfish and thoughtless. He could’ve at least rang after the meal and said listen I think I want to stay for a few more, would you be okay to drive tomorrow instead I’ll sort the insurance out.

OkayGo · 11/10/2019 08:37

I wouldn't be happy. I don't care about him going out and getting pissed. I do care about him going out and getting pissed when we've got to do something in the morning and he was supposed to drive. It's not fair on anyone.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 11/10/2019 08:38

Not the point of the thread but check your own insurance, sometimes you're covered to drive other cars with the driver's permission. Cover may be restricted to third party only though so if you banged it that might not be covered. May then run into issues if it's a company car but if not then you should be good to go.

I dont really understand all these people saying it's fine let him have fun. It might be too late to set off if they wait for him to be sure hes sober. If it's a company car the OP may not be able to arrange to be insured on it at short notice. Her car may be too small for her to drive.

In which case he has knocked a half day off their weekend away.

If they just go anyway, with him driving, then its illegal and unsafe for everyone in the car and other road users.

His mates may not come home to this but his mates probably havent fucked up their own and extended family's weekend away

Can you take kids and mum in your car and he catches up by train?

MerryMarigold · 11/10/2019 08:38

OP, you can't drive because of the points/ cost of insurance. What's coming next?