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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with DH? AIBU.

241 replies

OverThinker0507 · 11/10/2019 00:54

We are supposed to be going away for the weekend tomorrow with our DC’s (primary aged). We have a 180 mile trip at 10am tomorrow. He told me he was going out for a meal and a few drinks for his friends birthday - which is fine - I waved them off at 7 this evening. It’s now approaching 1am and he isn’t home - he has decided to drink until the pubs close. He doesn’t go out often with friends , yet when he does he always takes it too far (drinks wise) - as in coming home very very drunk.

He will be home shortly and he will most likely just collapse on the sofa - but my point is he will still be over the limit tomorrow which isn’t safe for anyone. I’m furious as we are supposed to be going away with extended family also in the morning.

Please tell me how to handle this situation.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 11/10/2019 10:30

Bluntness100, if you took him at his word that he'd had seven pints, at one an hour (yeah right) then he wouldn't be fit to drive legally until 11-1pm, that's if he metabolises it off quickly. But if he's not a regular drinker, he won't.

My ex regularly drank eight pints, he stockily built, by midday he was fit to drive. Not work wise, though. He was a taxi driver and a really good driver. Which is another point, we aren't all at the same level of driving skills.

@Blondebakingmumma, he's fucked the whole extended family's plans up because he couldn't pace his drinking. It isn't because he's got a penis he's expected to drive. It's to save the family money.

53rdWay · 11/10/2019 10:32

gets pulled into staying out later and drinking more than he should

Oh the poor helpless bloke Hmm

He's an adult. If he wants to get hammered the night before he's agreed to drive family somewhere, he needs to face the consequences of that, like 'his wife being annoyed with him'.

Blondebakingmumma · 11/10/2019 10:33

My husband would ‘pick up the slack’ for me if the roles were reversed.

The whole trip isn’t ruined. That’s a bit dramatic.

Show some resilience. If the OP takes care of the kids in the morning, hubby can return the favour and let her sleep in on the trip. Really it’s not a huge problem.

Blondebakingmumma · 11/10/2019 10:35

How the hell has he now fucked up the family’s plans. Has the OP said that he is too hungover to go now 🤔

Ninkaninus · 11/10/2019 10:35

If he wants to go out drinking more often that’s a separate issue. Nothing wrong with that in and of itself. Both parents should have regular leisure time away from home and family responsibilities.

But he chose to go on a drinking bender on this specific occasion, where there was a specific plan laid out for the next day that required his functionality and his contribution as a father and a husband.

And just to be clear, no, I’ve never been ‘pulled into’ staying out later when I had specific planned family responsibilities the next day. I’m a responsible parent and a fully developed adult with a good understanding of how to behave in a parenting partnership.

He is an idiot and he absolutely ought to be pulled up on his ridiculous behaviour.

Original poster
OverThinker0507 · 11/10/2019 10:39

Okay so I’m now insured. I am insured from now going forward. We have had a huge argument. He is saying “sorry for going out with my friends” when that isn’t the problem!!! I’ve told him my problem. He is now saying he drank “7 pints and a bottle of Budweiser” ... I’m even more angry!!! He is angry at me because I attempted to lock him out by leaving the key in the door (failed attempt) - I just wanted him to stay at his mums because I was so furious. Yeah, okay, I was wrong, we both own the house, I was angry and I did try and do this which I apologised for because I did see red, however why can’t he just apologise for not even thinking about the trip we had planned ?! I could sit here and cry to be honest but I’m about to go and put on a brave face for the kids.

OP posts:
ispepsiokay · 11/10/2019 10:45

You sound like a pair of children, he has to do all the driving because you're a twat who can't stick to the speed limit and you lock him out because you're angry and he can't control himself in the pub.

Maybe sell the car and stick to public transport so everyone else on the roads are a little safer.

MarieG10 · 11/10/2019 10:50

@OverThinker0507 what a total twat he is doing that when you are going away. Unbelievable. Looks like you have a keeper with that one!

53rdWay · 11/10/2019 10:51

It sounds like he can't stop at one drink when he's out with his friends, and he knows that, but doesn't want to face up to it and so gets angry and defensive and finds ways to deflect blame onto you.

You can't make him apologise or face up to it. Yelling at him is just going to wear you out and make him think "see I AM the victim here, now she's shouting at me!"

What you can do is refuse to play along with his pretence that this is all totally fine. It's not. He can kid himself if he wants to, but he can't insist that you do the same.

So: don't cover for him. If his mum or anyone on the trip asks why he isn't driving, say "DH drank a lot last night, so I had to phone up this morning to put myself on the insurance for this car."

And next time this situation comes up, assume that he'll get really drunk and plan accordingly. Even when he swears blind he'll stop at one. "I don't mind you going out with your friends, DH, but we both know the problem is that you're going to get really drunk. So you'll be over the limit and hung over tomorrow. So how are we going to manage that w/r/t plans, childcare, and so on?" He might deal with it responsibly, or he might sulk and strop about it, but either way you won't be complicit with him kidding himself and then getting furious afterwards because he let you down.

IncrediblySadToo · 11/10/2019 10:52

Surely the issue here is that once he starts drinking he can’t stop & comes home in a mess - every time

To me THAT is what needs sorting out.

MintyMabel · 11/10/2019 10:52

My husband would ‘pick up the slack’ for me if the roles were reversed.

You would put a night out getting pissed before a prior arrangement you made with your husband, for the family, and he’d just say “sure, fine, I’ll change everything to suit”?

blackteasplease · 11/10/2019 11:04

I agree he's really selfish doing this. it does upset your plans and especially him being in a mood about it. There is a problem to be addressed if he can't go our without getting hammered.

Make him sit in the back with the kids and his Mum up front! (Which you should do anyway with her being senior but doubly so!)

0lapislazuli · 11/10/2019 11:06

he just can’t help himself when he goes out with his friends

WTF? This is a grown man. Of course you have a right to be angry, he sounds pathetic.

Ninkaninus · 11/10/2019 11:07

The way he’s arguing with you like a sulky teenage boy, making excuses and deliberately missing the point, is really silly too. Is he a bit of a manchild in general?

Blondebakingmumma · 11/10/2019 11:08

@MintyMabel how is changing who drives changing the holiday to suit? It’s really not a big deal

MintyMabel · 11/10/2019 11:13

how is changing who drives changing the holiday to suit? It’s really not a big deal

If she was already insured to drive and regularly drove his car you might have a point except it’s not a good one But in this scenario, they’ve had to waste time and money organising that, adding a layer of unnecessary stress, and he only agreed to that after suggesting they all just left much later in the day.

Some people just let others walk all over them.

Kaykay06 · 11/10/2019 11:25

180 miles isn’t that far really - I drive 390 miles to Norwich (from Scotland) often myself as no other driver. But..you had arranged to take his car which only he is insured for so he knew he had to drive himself and his family but chose to drink so much he wouldn’t have been safe to drive and I wouldn’t have entered a car with him driving or allowed my kids to. Pretty selfish imo, he’s thought of himself over his kids and I’m sure they are looking forward to time away and now OP is upset and stressed and he’s ? For some reason annoyed. Leave him at home op and go yourself, make a few stops and enjoy your break, sad that the selfish actions of one person cause all this upset - if I knew I was driving the next day I would’ve had a couple of drinks and told people I needed to leave sharp so I wasn’t tired let alone hungover to drive - no one held this guy down and forced alcohol down his neck or refused to let him leave.

BarbedBloom · 11/10/2019 11:29

I am horrified at how many people have said he will be okay to drive. He won't. That is also if he has only had 7 pints, which may not be true.

Also, I think it is infuriating how many people are saying he should be able to go out and drink as much as he wants knowing they have obligations the next day and OP should run around sorting everything out. He can go out and stay out, but he should moderate his drinking to allow him to do what was agreed the following day. I am always really surprised at how people fall over themselves to justify people behaving like this or drinking so much they are sick everywhere. Why couldn't he have enjoyed himself without that amount of alcohol?

AlexaAmbidextra · 11/10/2019 11:42

You can’t just ‘put yourself’ on someone elses’s car insurance. Only the policyholder can do that.

AlexaAmbidextra · 11/10/2019 11:44

180 miles is a long way for one person to drive alone anyway is it not

No, not particularly. 🙄

BrunetteBuns · 11/10/2019 11:44

It’s not about whether the OP Is U to expect her DH to drive. It’s about the fact that he knew that he was the weekends designated driver and still had a big night out which put him over the limit. He didn’t even consider thinking about his prior agreement if going away with family and is now defensive.

OP - leave him at home. He won’t admit he’s wrong so it’s a losing argument. Yes, you shouldn’t have tried to lock him out but you’ve acknowledged that and apologised. Meanwhile have a nice weekend away and then wait until he’s sober and until you’re both calm to talk about it.

fedup21 · 11/10/2019 11:45

Is your DH fed up with being the sole driver anywhere as you haven’t got insurance due to your speeding points?

Ninkaninus · 11/10/2019 11:47

That’s really not worth arguing about is it, as it’s completely subjective and will vary depending on what an individual is used to. Some people drive long distances as a matter of course, others don’t. It’s also not relevant here in the slightest. The point is he was due to be driving. He’s a dick and she’s picking up the slack. And likely not for the first time.

Ninkaninus · 11/10/2019 11:47

(Referring to arguing over what distance one might consider a long distance to drive)

MollyButton · 11/10/2019 11:51

My ex regularly drank eight pints, he stockily built, by midday he was fit to drive. Not work wise, though. He was a taxi driver and a really good driver. Which is another point, we aren't all at the same level of driving skills

I really really struggle that anyone could think this is true!
And it frightens me to be honest. (And a Taxi Driver!)

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