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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with DH? AIBU.

241 replies

OverThinker0507 · 11/10/2019 00:54

We are supposed to be going away for the weekend tomorrow with our DC’s (primary aged). We have a 180 mile trip at 10am tomorrow. He told me he was going out for a meal and a few drinks for his friends birthday - which is fine - I waved them off at 7 this evening. It’s now approaching 1am and he isn’t home - he has decided to drink until the pubs close. He doesn’t go out often with friends , yet when he does he always takes it too far (drinks wise) - as in coming home very very drunk.

He will be home shortly and he will most likely just collapse on the sofa - but my point is he will still be over the limit tomorrow which isn’t safe for anyone. I’m furious as we are supposed to be going away with extended family also in the morning.

Please tell me how to handle this situation.

OP posts:
Scratchyfluffface · 11/10/2019 01:23

Leave later or just get yourself insured on the car so you can drive - it's not the end of the world

Derbee · 11/10/2019 01:24

@lovesapinot the OP also stated that she was getting one day insurance and doing all the driving?

MyKingdomForBrie · 11/10/2019 01:25

The time he got home wouldn't bother me but depending on the number of units I'd say you'll need to drive in the morning.

I'd want to be able to stay out and celebrate a friend's birthday without being judged or criticised by my dh so I think I'd be loath to be angry with him, irritated by the necessity of sorting out the insurance maybe! Just tell him he has to sort that out.

Derbee · 11/10/2019 01:26

Unless you’re implying that it’s ok for her not to be insured, as the man does the driving? In which case I’d repeat that I’m not comfortable with that.

BlankTimes · 11/10/2019 01:31

7 pints he's admitted to, who knows what else For someone who doesn't often drink, that is a lot. He could be over the limit to drive in the morning.
He could have a nasty hangover which will impair his reaction time and reflexes.

No way would I travel with him driving, no way would my children be in a car with him behind the wheel in the morning.

Can you get some form of insurance cover for his car in the morning OP? I'd do that and go without him

BenjiB · 11/10/2019 01:40

After 7 pints I seriously doubt he will be be under the limit by 10am. I’d be pissed off about that too but I agree for you to get indurance and you drive.

Graphista · 11/10/2019 01:50

No way would I be getting in any car he was driving tomorrow. Even if he's sober eventually he'll be tired/hungover which will impair him. Selfish idiot!!!
Nor any child of mine either.

Yes he can celebrate pals birthday but he knew he had this prior commitment too. As an adult he is or should have been capable of reining it in!

Get insured, leave him behind you and others shouldn't miss out because of his inconsiderate actions.

notangelinajolie · 11/10/2019 01:59

3 hours driving 180 miles is hardly driving to the end of the world.
And getting home at 1am is not exactly late.

However, someone has to drive in the morning and after 7 pints your DH should not be the one to do it.

You can either:

  1. Shrug, roll your eyes if need be and delay journey till later on in the day.
  2. Set of at the agreed time with a different driver.

Either way, I don't think you should be falling out with your DH. You said he doesn't go out often so he is hardly a repeat performer. Go easy on him OP - be a bit disappointed that he's let you down but be happy that he's had a nice night out.

I honestly would not be getting myself stressed about something like this. Life would be very boring if everything went to plan.

No doubt the mumsnet conclusion will be to LTB.

jumbojelly · 11/10/2019 02:03

This is where you go wrong? Err no this is where he went wrong.

ILearnedItFromABook · 11/10/2019 02:08

"No one else has gone home to this"? Well, most likely none of his friends had a family outing planned for the next morning, either. Yeah, I'd be angry at both his selfishness and his apparent stupidity.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 11/10/2019 02:17

180 miles isn't far, no. OP has already said she'll get insurance so no disaster that I can see.

"No one else has come home to this" is officially a stupid thing to say though. He had better apologise for that when he sobers up.

StoppinBy · 11/10/2019 02:36

@Derbee she said her mother is driving her (as in the OP's car) - clearly she drives but didn't need to be driving her husband's car tomorrow as he was meant to be driving.

P.S your preference as to who should/shouldn't drive is irrelevant - he said he would and now he can't. That's all we need to know. Maybe they take turns doing long trips.

springydaff · 11/10/2019 03:06

How does he know noone else has 'come home to this'?

beestripey · 11/10/2019 03:30

He is a self arse. He made arrangements and getting plastered with mates is not an excuse for not keeping them.

He is massively U to expect you to have to put up with him driving over the limit or to have to run around making other arrangements to cover for him being irresponsible.

This is where you go wrong? Err no this is where he went wrong. I totally agree with jumbojelly. It's not your fault that challenging this kind of behaviour turns into a huge argument, if the underlying problem is that he is selfish and irresponsible and has no intention of changing. How could it not be a deal breaking issue. That's the crux of it OP.

Try to be cool as I imagine with a hangover it may cause him to react badly. that reads so badly lovesapinot why should the OP tread on eggshells because of a problem he has inflicted on both of them? He needs to be in a fit state to care for the children and drive safely, so he can't use having a hangover as an excuse to lose his temper. That would just be another reason that he shouldn't have done this.

In some ways you are onto a loser whatever you do OP. You can change plans, or get insured (if you can even make changes to the policy yourself, and he agrees to it, and it is affordable) and go without him etc, but even if it saves the weekend away, it still enables him to do this again and again, which is what you are saying you are, quite reasonably, fed up with. And if he is not sorry then he is not going to change so you have the choice to accept it (don't) or yes, LTB.

He is a selfish fucker to put you in this position when the decent, adult and simple thing to do would be to have a just a few pints and come home in good time to sleep it off. How could you not be annoyed Flowers

FredaFrogspawn · 11/10/2019 03:55

I agree with other - he has been an arse and you would be advised to get insurance and drive.

However - you have identified where you go wrong and I can relate to that. This is a separate issue - they way you react to a situation of conflict. If you feel you aren’t handling it the way you want to - take a breath, step back - how would you like to manage your feelings? You can control them. Make a decision about how you want to respond to this emotionally, over the next few days particularly when you have the stress of added family, and work towards that. Cool but calm? Deep breaths, reflect. You can do what you want, you’re not a prisoner of your instant emotions.

grumpypregnanttired · 11/10/2019 04:37

Let him get up at 10, leave at 10.30. Surely after almost 9 hours sleep he will be fine to drive after 7 pints.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 11/10/2019 04:40

He will easy be under limit by 10. Start feeding him coffee from 9 and let him drive.

SavageBeauty73 · 11/10/2019 04:40

Insure yourself on his car. I think it's weird you are not insured if you are married.

Drive there and he can drive back.

Blondebakingmumma · 11/10/2019 04:42

Depends how well he pulls up. It really wouldn’t bother me if he is able to get up in the morning and not ruin the day. My hubby doesn’t get hang overs and can continue on the next day without a fuss. I would obviously drive. Why aren’t you on his insurance?

I wouldn’t be impressed if my hubby had a go at me after a night out

OooErMissus · 11/10/2019 04:50

I wouldn't be happy at all, either.

But why aren't you insured on his car? Why is it his car, and not your (plural) car? You're married, aren't you?

He does all the driving, even though you can drive, and have a driver's license? Why...?

Or do you have two cars - one each? Still don't get why you wouldn't insure both of you on both cars.

Confused
0lapislazuli · 11/10/2019 04:50

Why are people suggesting coffee and water as if that will help him get under the limit?

It’s not safe for him to drive. He’ll still be over the limit. After drinking 7 pints, it takes 15 hours before he’s safe to drive, so he’ll not have enough time or be right on the boundary. He’ll be more tired than normal anyway, which isn’t safe either. Why take that chance?
morning-after.org.uk/?page_id=82

He had a responsibility for your and his kids safety and he just didn’t care enough to limit his drinking. You have every right to be pissed off. Don’t be dependent on this man and add yourself to the car’s insurance permanently.

Heartburn888 · 11/10/2019 04:58

It is a poss take op. My partner is guilty of the same kind of thing at times albeit he has reduced this kind of incident. It’s just so annoying. It’s like out of all the days in the year they chose to go out boozing the night before the big event.

I wouldn’t be very kind to him tomorrow morning I’d be up at 7am, vac on, loudly putting the dishes away or loudly making food - might even put the radio on.

In future I’d be insured on the car and tell him it’s because he can’t be trusted

stealthbanana · 11/10/2019 04:59

7 pints consumed over 6 hours takes 15 additional hours to go through your system? Doesn’t sound right to me.

OP personally I think you’re overreacting a little however I’m sorry you’re upset. Did you discuss what time he’d be home BEFORE he went out? If you did and he ignored you he’s an arse Flowers

Jocasta2018 · 11/10/2019 05:01

I think before his big night out, he could've discussed the idea of staying out until closing and putting you on his car insurance 'just in case'.
Instead you're going to be dealing with insurance companies in the morning as well as corralling the kids & getting everything ready for the trip whilst he nurses his hangover. He'll still probably be pissed then not just 'over the limit'.
He has been very unreasonable and YANBU to be pissed off.

FredaFrogspawn · 11/10/2019 05:05

NHS says 1 unit = 1 hour but very approximately as we are all different.

A pint can have around 3 units in it.

21 units = 21 hours. Even if you take the 6 hours since the first pint off, that’s 15 hrs.

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