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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be angry with DH? AIBU.

241 replies

OverThinker0507 · 11/10/2019 00:54

We are supposed to be going away for the weekend tomorrow with our DC’s (primary aged). We have a 180 mile trip at 10am tomorrow. He told me he was going out for a meal and a few drinks for his friends birthday - which is fine - I waved them off at 7 this evening. It’s now approaching 1am and he isn’t home - he has decided to drink until the pubs close. He doesn’t go out often with friends , yet when he does he always takes it too far (drinks wise) - as in coming home very very drunk.

He will be home shortly and he will most likely just collapse on the sofa - but my point is he will still be over the limit tomorrow which isn’t safe for anyone. I’m furious as we are supposed to be going away with extended family also in the morning.

Please tell me how to handle this situation.

OP posts:
ScreamingLadySutch · 11/10/2019 05:20

Feel the fear, do it anyway, get the insurance and drive. You have equal power and agency in this relationship. You DON'T have to depend on him 'doing the right thing' in order for you to be happy and in control of your desires. You make this happen!

Please don't make a big deal out of this, and please don't shame him. Please don't sulk or be angry, be pleasant, just get out there and take charge, and chat about his evening without any agenda.

I have thought long and hard since the breakdown of my marriage. I am far more capable on my own than I (or he) ever thought possible. I should have been capable then.

However badly he behaved, that's on him. Me? I wish I had taken the reins in our lives more and looked to him less, to lessen the impact. I really wish I had not tried to get him to step up by whining sulking and nagging. It was futile, powerless, ineffective, unattractive, destructive. That is why I wrote what I did.

PhilCornwall1 · 11/10/2019 05:20

180 miles is a long way for one person to drive alone anyway is it not*

Depends if you are used to driving long distances or not, 180 is just over a couple of hours, so pretty short.

That said, if he's had a skin full the night before and a late night, it's not sensible for him to jump in the car a drive at 10am the next morning.

Anniegetyourgun · 11/10/2019 05:46

Depends on the state of the roads, surely? In heavy traffic it could take all day.

0lapislazuli · 11/10/2019 06:06

@stealthbanana
7 pints consumed over 6 hours takes 15 additional hours to go through your system? Doesn’t sound right to me.

Sure, as long as it doesn’t sound right.

From the website:
“How the 'Morning After Calculator' works:
What it will do is enable you to calculate roughly when it will be safe for you to drive.The calculator allows one hour for each unit of alcohol, plus an additional hour for the first drink to allow for the alcohol to enter the bloodstream. It then rounds up the calculation to the nearest half hour.”

This is in line with NHS advice of one unit (note unit, not pint) per hour.

Blondebakingmumma · 11/10/2019 06:09

Why can’t OP drive? Why should her partner drive because he is a man?? Come on, OP can be put on the insurance and drive a couple of hours and he can drive back. Is she a fragile girl who needs a man to do things for her?

Cambionome · 11/10/2019 06:12

He will NOT be ok to drive in the morning - do not let him do it.

Just wondering why you are not insured for his car? Get it arranged - he has let you down here, don't be reliant on him again for this sort of thing.

MerryMarigold · 11/10/2019 06:16

OP, is maybe leave at midday. Also get insured. Her needs to ring his mum and rearrange or rose make her wait around for him.

DappledThings · 11/10/2019 06:21

Depends if you are used to driving long distances or not, 180 is just over a couple of hours, so pretty short

Where are you driving that you are averaging 90 mph?

WMPAGL · 11/10/2019 06:22

I'm astonished there are so many people on this post defending the OP's DH!

Yes, OP could put herself on the insurance and drive herself, but is the point not that OP and DH had clearly already arranged between them for whatever reason that DH would drive and he has now unilaterally gone and got himself into a state where he won't be able to honour that commitment?

The question is, in that scenario, is the OP entitled to be pissed off? Of course she bloody is!

Who are the Stepford wives commenting who think she shouldn't make a big deal about it and should take on his family responsibilities in the morning with a happy trill and a pleasant smile just because he has flaked on them in favour of a jolly?! Very un-MN.

amylou8 · 11/10/2019 06:23

YANBU I would be livid.
Get day insurance on the car and drive yourself. Are you insured on another car? My policy covers me to drive any car 3rd party so worth checking.

Baboomtsk · 11/10/2019 06:27

In this instance it's not unreasonable for you to be annoyed as you're going to have to mess around getting insured now (perhaps his job can be too get the kids ready).

More generally though, I would say that you should be insured on the car too unless you really can't afford to be.

It can come in handy and it is quite limiting for one person to be relied on as the sole driver. In this case it has set the scene for an argument between the two of you when there really didn't have to be one.

Your DH is an adult, there's no reason for him not to be able to enjoy himself on nights out from time to time (and on friend's birthdays). If you know he has a night out coming up this should be taken into consideration when making plans and of course the same courtesy should be extended to you.

It's very important that both partners are able to enjoy social occasions away from family and this should not be seen as something to be reluctantly tolerated or attoned for.

RopeBrick · 11/10/2019 06:31

Just get insured on his car. Takes 5 mins online. Not a big deal, and no reason to be angry (it is a few hours in a car, why does he need to drive?!). Let him have fun with his friends!

rookiemere · 11/10/2019 06:36

Yes OP totally unreasonable for you to expect your DH to behave like a grown adult who has a long drive the next day.
Far better for you to spend extra money organising last minute insurance and drive a car you're not familiar with on a long journey.
Make sure you're dressed nicely and have some nice bright lipstick on for your hubby as well.

Notajogger · 11/10/2019 06:44

Why are people suggesting coffee and water as if that will help him get under the limit?

It’s not safe for him to drive. He’ll still be over the limit. After drinking 7 pints, it takes 15 hours before he’s safe to drive, so he’ll not have enough time or be right on the boundary. He’ll be more tired than normal anyway, which isn’t safe either. Why take that chance?

This. It would be bonkers to let him drive.
Also as pps have said, I'd be uncomfortable not being insured on the family car and having to rely on my DH to drive all the time.

rookiemere · 11/10/2019 06:49

OP not being on the insurance really isn't the point though. Het DH getting very drunk and being unable to drive when he had committed to do so is the issue.

Vanhi · 11/10/2019 06:51

I'd want to be able to stay out and celebrate a friend's birthday without being judged or criticised by my dh so I think I'd be loath to be angry with him, irritated by the necessity of sorting out the insurance maybe! Just tell him he has to sort that out.

This. I'd be a bit annoyed but if it is a one-off I wouldn't be that bothered. Of my parents, only my mum drives. My dad never even learned. As a result I'm quite aware of the pressures just having one driver puts on you. So personally I'd always have a back up plan. In this case since the OP can drive and is willing to, the back up plan is for her to drive. OK in this case her DH got stupidly drunk and that is deliberate. But they need a Plan B anyway as he could simply have twisted his ankle.

Also, absolutely no to him driving. Going by this thread there must be many incapacitated drivers out there. If he's not still over the limit he'll still be affected. I wouldn't want him on the roads around vulnerable road users.

NearlyGranny · 11/10/2019 06:54

I would interpret your DH's behaviour as passive-aggressive sabotage of your plans for this trip. He has deliberately rendered himself unable to drive, knowing that you can't either, legally.

I doubt you'll be able to add yourself to his insurance unless you can fake a baritone and impersonate him on the phone; it needs to be the policy holder.

There's no point choosing this battle in the morning with him hungover and your mum coming as a passenger, and he could well be counting on your mum as protection from your potential wrath.

How keen was he on this weekend away? Has he openly expressed either enthusiasm or reluctance and would he feel comfortable to if it were the latter?

I'd suggest plan A is get everything ready for you and your DC, have the insurance papers handy, have him ring his insurers and add you as named driver (assuming you haven't been left off because you are a bad risk with lots of points on your licence). You then drive. 3 or 4 hours is too long but take a break halfway and go steady. You're way safer than he would be behind the wheel!

Plan B If he starts to say he's fine to drive and won't call, go out of earshot and impersonate him! My insurer routinely lets me add another driver without charge but I have half a century of no claims to help. I'd get a week or more, not a day; cover the whole holiday in case he decides to spend it self-medicating with alcohol; I wouldn't tell him how long you're covered straight away in case that looks like an invitation! Proceed on holiday.

Plan C, once insured is go without him if he sabotages your start time by acting comatose. Roll him into recovery position in case he voms and leave him to it. Only if you're happy he's just hungover and deliberately being awkward, naturally. 7 pints shouldn't be life threatening, though anything above 5 probably stopped him counting accurately anyway.

Plan D would involve an ambulance and cancellation of holiday but he's probably not going to need that - at least not because of what he drank last night. D had the alternative ending of a new patio, I guess.

Later - much later after you get home - you need to have a conversation with him about sabotaging family plans and how he could have handled things differently and better if he didn't want to go!

Is this the first time he's pulled a stunt like this or does he routinely exert control through sabotaging previously agreed plans? Has he manipulated the insurance situation so he can control where you can and can't go as a family?

He's been selfish and thoughtless at best this time, at worst dishonest and manipulative.

SprinkleDash · 11/10/2019 07:01

It isn't "men" it's the man YOU'RE with

Agreed!! I’ve recently had a similar scenario, my husband came home at 9:30pm and had had one pint before switching to soft drinks. We didn’t even have a discussion about it beforehand, I just trusted he’d bear in mind the journey we had to do and he did.

7 pints the night before you do a three hour drive is insanity!!! Even if he feels fine (which he might) if he were breathalysed he’d read way over the limit!

GeneHuntLover · 11/10/2019 07:05

Why should she have to fork out for insurance when he's the one who was driving but decides to get pissed instead? Is there another family member you could hitch with?

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2019 07:07

For seven pints, considering he started at sevenish he will be totally fine at ten am. There is no issue here.

NoSauce · 11/10/2019 07:08

Idiot. Let him pay the insurance. So the first 1.5 driving, stop off for lunch then let him drive the rest of the way if you don’t feel like driving. 180 miles isn’t that far OP, you might be ok.

rookiemere · 11/10/2019 07:11

Its the DHs DM that's coming not the OPs.

Shoxfordian · 11/10/2019 07:12

It doesn't seem like he does this every week, just leave a bit later tomorrow. Not the end of the world.

Juells · 11/10/2019 07:20

Derbee
Unless you’re implying that it’s ok for her not to be insured, as the man does the driving? In which case I’d repeat that I’m not comfortable with that.

She's not insured to drive his car. That's not that mysterious. Doesn't mean that she doesn't drive.

The problem with people who are still drunk in the morning is that they are often convinced they're sober and fit to drive. There may well be an argument in the morning, with him claiming the OP is being ridiculous. As a pp said, there's no way I'd let him drive me, never mind my precious children! It might be easier to not wake him, and leave him at home Grin

Juells · 11/10/2019 07:22

Please don't make a big deal out of this, and please don't shame him. Please don't sulk or be angry, be pleasant, just get out there and take charge, and chat about his evening without any agenda.

FFS did I wander back to the 1950s?