to move my 8 yo DD to private school?

[Rocktheboot]

is it mad to put £20k on mortgage to send DD to private to finish yes 5 and 6? reason being she is school refusing due to anxiety (caused by bullying) She can't cope with noisy naughty kids (makes her feel unsafe) and needs lots of attention to stay feeling settled

I'm at the stage where I'd pay ALOT for my dds mental health. she needs kid gloves right now

I've been thinking all through this thread that it might be better for your poor DD to pay for the MH help she needs, rather than school fees. In the longer term, her MH is more important than academic success.

What happened to her is just appalling and I can't believe how poor the supervision at that school must have been for it to occur.

If her MH means she needs a lot more care and supervision than an "average" child of her age, she could be entitled to DLA, which could go towards the school fees or counselling.

Well, if you need to borrow the money to do it, extending your mortgage is the best way of securing it - you won't get interest rates like that anywhere else. I would do that if I needed to for DS's sake. They only get one childhood.

I hope it works out for you and your DD. It's definitely time the balance swung in her favour, poor kid.

Hi OP, if you're still reading. I'd do exactly the same in your position. Obviously there is never a control experiment so the posters saying that she might be bullied at private school could be right, but equally she might not be. You know the school itself, and it doesn't sound remotely as if you are placing all private schools over and above state schools.

I returned to the UK having worked on a small island for 10 years when DD was five. The small private school I chose was perfect for DD, and she was very happy despite the new country, climate and friends. When after some years my circumstances work wise changed (my ex has never paid maintenance) and I gave the requisite term's notice, the head gave me a bursary for a significant portion of the fees. I have no idea how common this is but was very grateful.

Ultimately if you can afford the mortgage repayments, you will be fine. I didn't find that the extra amounts were much at all. Obviously all schools are different. You as a mother will not look back and regret that you didn't do everything in your power to give your DD the best chance of a happy school life. Oh and DD went on to a state grammar school with many of her friends - very smooth transition and few stayed in the private sector.

@ChickenyChick no kids in private school, just my own experience of having ASD and moving to an all girls private school halfway through the school year. My best friend had a very similar experience. We had no mental health support at our school as it obviously didn't make them look good to admit that students were struggling, this was only 10 years ago. I'm simply saying that my experience (and a few friends' experiences at different private schools) was that they're not the nicest environments regarding bullying and the mental health support was non-existent.

I think people have rose-tinted glasses when looking at private schools.

Hi @Rocktheboot how are you? How's your DD? Have been thinking of you. Hope things are working out

@ButEmilylovedhim that is so nice of you to come back and ask thank you! it's actually really touching, when stuck in a dark hole 💐

I have been round the bouy a few times. had a really encouraging meeting with SENCO at school and thought maybe everything could be ok/she is better where they know her history and understand her. But, she hasn't been to school all week. I am run ragged trying to balance childcare and work. I've made an appointment to visit private school. and I'm taking the money on the mortgage. I can always pay it back if she doesn't go/goes for a year and it doesn't work out

Glad you came back @Rocktheboot! It sounds like you've made lots of progress this week 😊 Sorry to hear DD hasn't been in to school. You're a lovely mum enabling her to have the time to rest and regroup and not making her go. It must be very hard juggling it all. I well remember not knowing what on earth to do for the best and that desperate feeling. You're doing really well and the meetings and visits will help you decide the correct path. I've found that the right decision makes itself known as everything unfolds until the answer is obvious. Just hard to have faith in that while it's all so confused. I agree the the mortgage/money isn't really the main consideration, it can be sorted out.

Sending support and or , whichever you like most!

I haven’t read the full thread but did exactly this for my own dd. I knew the school pretty well, which helped, but have been holding my breath this first half term ....so far, so good...The very best of luck!

Get her out of that school now. You have tried, and it just can't give her what she needs.

In your shoes, I would 100% move her to the private school without delay. You can't put a price on her mental health, and yes £20K is not a huge amount to add to a mortgage, particularly as your house price has increased so much.

My children attend a well-known private school. They have never been in a class of more than 15, (often far less), and have had no issues with bullying etc. My daughter joined the Prep from a state school in Yr 7. She was the only one of that intake who had not come from another private school. Nobody cared at all.
They even (gasp!) have children with SEN.

Go for it, and good luck.xxx