to move my 8 yo DD to private school?

[Rocktheboot]

is it mad to put £20k on mortgage to send DD to private to finish yes 5 and 6? reason being she is school refusing due to anxiety (caused by bullying) She can't cope with noisy naughty kids (makes her feel unsafe) and needs lots of attention to stay feeling settled

Definitely ask about financial support now - you might have already? The school sounds like a very difficult environment.

Have you actually really looked at how many children qualify for bursaries in secondary schools these days? It's a tiny amount and private schools are often just as noisy as state schools - I went to one, as did my son for a while.
Removing your daughter seems a bit like running away from the issue to be honest. What will happen when she gets to college, and work?

Do you work, if not home school and counselling might be a better option for this year. Do any local areas change school at 10? We had similar in year 5 and realised 2 miles away a school changed in year 6 so switched her, knowing she was leaving at the end of year 5 helped her cope. The bullying was pretty bad and the head was terrible alas (then sacked)

This sounds awful & those who are judging you for wanting to move her aren't helpful.
The primary my DC go to is nothing like the environment you are describing. Behaviour is good and there is only 1 form entry. Are there no other state primary schools that are smaller?
I think her issues are being made worse by the environment she is in & people to think counselling would solve it are wrong
Nobody would go to work every day to an office where people were upending tables etc yet we seem to expect young people to deal with it.
Look at bursaries - hope you get sorted. Can grandparents help at all?

Totally agree. I watched your remark for myself. We went on holiday to another country and the children were playing ping pong with other kids they had just met. I watched my 11yo son very politely, and very pleasantly, play to win and he wasn't messing around

It was a bit of a jolt but we chose the system. 'Do your absolute best' is drilled into them. There is a core of inner steel running through those top school pupils

@ScreamingLadySutch this would actually suit DD. she likes to win. which you wouldn't fit together with anxiety necessarily. as I said before, academically she is top of her game. also good musical ability (no idea where that came from!) and fast/strong for sports

Moving to a small, nurturing private school sounds like a sensible thing to do. Under the circumstances, I would do the same. Good luck, OP!

rock could you try for sports scholarship?

and private schools are often just as noisy as state schools

this is just not true, is it

maybe compared to small village school. there is just no way the behavioural issues in private school are like a poor/average over subscribed inner city school. it's just not true. No-one would PAY and accept that

No it’s not true. No private school would survive with an environment close to that.

@converse all the hefty scholarships/bursaries kick in for year 7. there are small bursaries available for year 5 entrance (don't know why it's for year 5?)

YANBU to move schools. I think it’s a great idea.
YABU to think private schooling and smaller class sizes will make it better. I was bullied horrendously in a private secondary with small classes. The small classes made it worse: there was no other friendship group I could be part of that the bullies didn’t influence. I wouldn’t rule out state schools on the basis of class size and transient population. These things could make it easier for your dd to find her people and to be accepted, plus they’ll be used to making new friends with new pupils. My DD’s secondary is like this and is better for it. It’s a great school and really inclusive. Have a look at some primaries with Dd and get a feel for them.

thank you to all the supportive/encouraging posts

I really feel like the posts telling me not to do it, or mostly based on untruths about private schools. it's all helping to solidify my decision. keep it coming!

anyone tried to bully DD now, they won't know what hit them. it won't happen again

there is only 1 state primary that is a viable option. we are on the waiting list (for the last year)

@rocktheboat feel free to pm me. my son also can’t cope with the bug, chaotic state schools (although it became apparent during a taster day, so much earlier)

I think it's worth exploring as an idea but do sit down with an independent financial advisor and go through the numbers very carefully. My question would be whether extra mortgage is the best way to borrow.

I hate on these threads how people generalise. Your DD is in a specific school that doesn't suit her and you are considering another one as an alternative. The fact that one is state and one independent is largely irrelevant other than in monetary terms.

It sounds like you have to change something and it's very positive that your older DC is nearing the end of her school career as you're not looking at 2 X extra costs.

Do get independent financial advice.

also, worth repeating; there are some GOOD state secondary school options

I think that moving your child to a small, nurturing private school would be wonderful for your daughter if you can afford it.

A word of warning about bursaries, though. In general, these are few and far between, and mostly offered to scholarship holders (or rather, they start at the top, and by the time they've got through the scholarship holders, the funds have run out). At my children's school (which is a fairly average fee paying school, not a pushy results factory, nor a big name) in order to get a scholarship at 11+, and therefore in with a shot of a bursary you would need; for sport, playing at least one preferably 2 sports at County level, for a music scholarship two instruments or more at grade 5 plus, for an academic scholarship, exceptional performance in the entrance exam, plus excellent performance at interview. Bursaries just aren't available for being bright, or for having some musical ability or for being fast/strong in sports, they are awarded to the very , very few students who stand out head and shoulders above all the other bright, talented students.

That said, regardless of what happens at secondary age, it sounds as though it would be a good solution for the next 2 years, and in the scheme of things £20k on the mortgage is not that big a deal.

in the scheme of things £20k on the mortgage is not that big a deal

that's my rationale @mrsm

My neighbours daughter was bullied at a top private school for girls!.There are no guarantees with this kind of thing sadly .Even if you sent her for the 2 years ,how would she settle back into state school at 11 .There are very few bursaries around and would be likely to go to new pupils with exceptional talent in a particular field .Are there any schools a little smaller that you could try ? Maybe worth looking around a bit further afield if possible

I went to private school and as a result of my experiences I am not keen on private school for my children. However, we have good local state schools and my kids are doing okay so far.
For your child I would 100% go for it. She has had a traumatic time and if you can make it happen financially it sounds like this is what she needs.

It seems like you have made your decision, OP, so we can only wish you the best of luck with it.

The only thing that I would say is that the private school may not turn out to be the solution to your dd's issues, which sound quite serious and deep-seated, and she may therefore need ongoing support well into adulthood. My main concern is that crippling yourself financially now will not necessarily put you in a strong position to provide that support further down the line.

I know that she has been having counselling, and obviously that hasn't been very effective. You mentioned that she is undergoing an assessment for ASD, but you didn't think this was likely. I don't know what additional options you can explore but in your situation, I would be very eager to address the mental health difficulties in any way possible, and I don't think moving schools alone will do that. I'm sure that you had no intention of moving her to a private school and then just leaving her to get on with it, but I would urge you to ensure that you leave enough of a financial cushion to be able to explore options that the NHS/CAMHS might not be able to afford. Moving to a quieter school with smaller classes might alleviate the symptoms in the short term, but you need to tackle the mental health issues themselves in order to achieve a lasting solution.

I hope things work out well for her, however you decide to proceed.

Sadly it’s not rubbish. If it’s going to cost them, or will impact on their results, the child with special needs will be out the door

This is rubbish.

If she's sporty then pay fornthe private prep and nurture her sport as much as you can. Teach her to be as postive and happy as she can about the school. You never complain. If she adds to the school they will be much more likely to give a generous bursary in year 7.

Have you seen any "free schools "near to you ?,also Church Schools are very good ,may be worth approaching as they often have space for a single child in the year 4 or 5 .The Steiner Schools are often good and work well for children who are quiet or sensitive . There is a fee but its nothing like 20k!

You're very blinkered. I went to private school. It was just as noisy as state school, bullying just as bad. The issue here is your daughter, not the schools. I think you'd do far better trying to get her help instead of pulling her out of everyday situations. And, as I previously said you will find it very very hard to get a bursary unless she is gifted in a specific area.

@ moondancer

no not blinkered
no it is not my daughter's fault that she was bullied
and no, there is not a chance in hell, that a private school classroom is anything like a busy state school. it's a ridiculous assertion