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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move my 8 yo DD to private school?

184 replies

Rocktheboot · 10/10/2019 19:51

is it mad to put £20k on mortgage to send DD to private to finish yes 5 and 6? reason being she is school refusing due to anxiety (caused by bullying) She can't cope with noisy naughty kids (makes her feel unsafe) and needs lots of attention to stay feeling settled

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 11/10/2019 00:54

nothing to loose but the money. if my dd was struggling (and has with different things) i would be doing the exact same.
give it a try, remember to read the contract well should you have to pull her out at any point in time.

SteamedPotatoes · 11/10/2019 01:08

A lot of independent schools are actually extremely poor at dealing with bullying. Whilst the classrooms are quieter and kids better behaved in class, the playground can be robust. If a bully targets your child at school and that bully has siblings at the school too, the school may turn a blind eye / talk it down. Sorry but speaking from experience here

Derbee · 11/10/2019 01:22

Also, in my experience of private school, kids joining from state schools often get a rough time too. It’s awful, but I’ve seen it happen.

Chairwithaview · 11/10/2019 01:34

Have you a spare room?

Could you get an au pair and homeschool?

You say she is academically ahead. Is she also able to work independently. You could set her work and the au pair could supervise, while you are working. On the weekend you could do the explicit teaching. Lots of resources to support homeschooling online.

To answer your question though, no I wouldn’t risk the family’s financial security like that.

zebrasdontwearbras · 11/10/2019 01:42

OP - we moved our dd to private school for yr2 (age 7) and never looked back. Although for far less serious reasons than you (mainly academic - she's ever been bullied or anything).

A good private school should allow you a taster day, or even a few. They will want to ensure your dd will settle at a school, as much as you want to ensure she will.

Take our dd to look around the school, talk about taster days, talk to your dd and take it from there. If she's keen and positive to try it - then YANBU. Private schooling has been excellent for our dd.

TheBouquets · 11/10/2019 02:00

I went to a private school. It was the one most people wanted their children to go to in this are. Pupils travelled sometimes over 30 miles one way to go to this school. It was supposed to be the best school.
My view was that it was a desperate place, everyone seemed to only have the next goal in sight. There was no understanding of people not being a total genius. There was constant bullying from teachers and pupils. The teachers only wanted to know about good work, didn't think of explaining any problems or difficulties with the school work. The pupils were all wired up to beat others rather than we are all in this class together.

It was the most competitive place I have ever seen.

They keep in touch with former pupils, constantly asking for funding. They also know who had babies and when that baby should be making their applications to the school. It went down like a lead balloon when I said my children were not going to the same school as me
I am not sure if such a school exists now but maybe a private school who are more concerned with turning out young ladies than academic achievers.

myself2020 · 11/10/2019 05:18

as usual on mumsnet, people equal private school with exam mills and super rich schools.
most kids at any of the private schools with a caring ethos (which is what the op is after) won’t even know their school is any different from a state school... and exam results are definitely not their main outcome. More a pleasant side effect (our school doesn’t even have them on the website- although they have excellent ones, but that’s not their focus).
as long as the school is a “caring” one, she should be fine
Op, ask for bursaries at primary level as even 10% would help.

ScreamingLadySutch · 11/10/2019 05:26

YANBU.

But here is the catch. Once you are in that system? It is very hard to leave.

So your £20k is just the beginning.

ScreamingLadySutch · 11/10/2019 05:41

@TheBouquets

" The pupils were all wired up to beat others rather than we are all in this class together.
It was the most competitive place I have ever seen. "

Totally agree. I watched your remark for myself. We went on holiday to another country and the children were playing ping pong with other kids they had just met. I watched my 11yo son very politely, and very pleasantly, play to win and he wasn't messing around.

It was a bit of a jolt but we chose the system. 'Do your absolute best' is drilled into them. There is a core of inner steel running through those top school pupils.

Pixxie7 · 11/10/2019 05:53

Sorry sounds like it’s more than children bullying. Didn’t realise how serious it was.
After going through that she clearly needs some serious help, but can you be sure that she would be happy in any school without it?

ChickenyChick · 11/10/2019 05:54

I moved my 9yr old to a low key private school for yrs 4,5 and 6

He did very well in that he was in a calmer environment snd could actually start learning instead of feeling worried and stressed

He was on 3 IEPs before, (social, emotional, academic) And behind in his learning. Highly sensitive . but by 11/12 he had caught up, went to normal local comp (live near very “naice” leafy comps though) and could cope better with noise and chaos

He is a bog standard teen now Grin at college

But but but, the private school was very low key (some parents called it state school plus), it was not a posh prep. Also, it was known for good SEN support. The smart prep schools did not want him, because of SEN

Good luck, it is so hard to decide these things!

SalemsMumHasGotitGoingOn · 11/10/2019 06:01

As long as she can handle ALL of the attention being on her - a new kid in a small school means everyone will know who she is and why she moved and coming from a state school halfway through the year trust me she will be the odd one out massively. Bullying and snobbery are strong in private schools and if it's all girls then it's usually very cliquey - if your DD doesn't like the spotlight then massively rethink this.

ChickenyChick · 11/10/2019 06:15

Salems, that is so not our experience

Have you had any children at a private school?

The bullying in our state primary was so much worse, DS actually got punched in the face and had his books ripped up. Class of 36 kids

In the private school, in a class of 14, things were much more under control

No snobbery, but again, it was a private school that specialised in mildly SEN kids, so most people and kids did not feel snobby about their dyslexia or autism

So many people have prejudices about private schools, when they are all so different!

TryingAndFailing39 · 11/10/2019 06:28

Bullying and snobbery are strong in private schools

My dc and I have been to / taught in various independent day schools and haven’t found this to be the case.
In the small private primary where my older dc went it was the most relaxed and kindness focussed environment they’d ever been in.
We now live in a very nice posh area and the state primary my dc goes to has the worst snobbiest mums and kids ever!! I really don’t feel we fit in and have never felt like this before! We only live in that area as we are accommodated by my current job.

Missingsandraohingreys · 11/10/2019 06:38

Tough one. I would look into free schools and mental health support first

Rationale being that the wee girl has to continue school for many years and secondary school looms very close

I am NOT victim blaming here . I don’t necessarily believe private school is kinder

WaterSheep · 11/10/2019 06:46

bullying happened in reception/year 1 in a different school. included strangulation, punching, kicking, sexual assualt.

This is much more than bullying. Sexual assault at aged 5 and 6 is beyond horrific and i'm sorry she has been exposed to such vile behaviour.

You mention support at her current school, what support do they offer and how would this compare with private school?

I would also worry that as this will be her 3rd school in 4 years, she might find it tough to transition especially when she feels like she needs a safe space.

Pringlesfortea · 11/10/2019 06:59

You would be better home educating

AaronBurrSirr · 11/10/2019 07:03

I don’t have children, but when I was Nanny to a 9 year old girl who went to one of the best private schools in the country, I was shocked at the bullying and cliques she suffered, and the lack of care from the school. She was very gentle and sensitive and ran to me in floods of tears at the gates most days. Common old me from the state comprehensive has never encountered anything so toxic in my life! This is purely anecdotal of course, but I don’t necessarily believe that private schools are full of lovely, perfectly behaved children!

myself2020 · 11/10/2019 07:09

@AaronBurrSirr op is not looking for an exam mill (i.e. best private school in the country). £20 000 wouldn’t last ling for these...
she is looking for a caring private school which will have a completely different ethos.
i wish people would stop generalising from the exam mills too all private schools!

Pringlesfortea · 11/10/2019 07:10

I’ve a number of friends who agreed to remove their SEN child from a private school ,with the promise of an ehcp...the support in private only went so far ...
Op why don’t you try looking at applying for an ehcp for her.and get a referral to camhs for her anxiety,if it was very bad camhs would sign her of sick ,and she would get hospital school ( tutoring at home)

Missingsandraohingreys · 11/10/2019 07:14

Having read thread I think you have made a sensible decision . Look you know beat and your child best . Go for it Flowers

Lellikelly26 · 11/10/2019 07:14

I’ve just changed my DD’s school for the same reasons. She was unhappy at her last school as there was a culture of bullying and the teachers ignored it, things were being overlooked in class and at playtime.
Anyway, the new school is smaller and much more friendly she is much happier. I was struggling to find a place in another state school and considered private but it is a lot of money. Luckily I found a place not too far away.
Good luck! It’s definitely worth changing schools though and don’t forget that two years is a long time in a child’s life

LoveGrowsWhere · 11/10/2019 07:19

If you can afford the repayments then yes I would explore the open days. You will get a feel if your DD will be less anxious. Even if she just has two years breathing space to build resilience that could make a world of difference.

Elpheba · 11/10/2019 07:23

I know a single mum who got bursaries for her kids at Y5 and Y7. They are both super clever and lovely kids and she got 100% bursary for one and 95% bursary and 5% scholarship for the other one. She was most surprised that she got one for the Y5 as they didn’t really advertise they did them at that point of entry but I think it’s definitely worth a try applying.

Original poster
Rocktheboot · 11/10/2019 07:25

CAHMS rejected referral from GP, she 'doesnt meet threshold'. we took her to GP on the advice of school, because she was talking about killing herself. I'm not sure how it happens that a suicidal 8 year old doesn't meet threshold, but evidently MH support is in a dire state. she is in her 2nd round of private counselling, this time it has spawned 8 months. I don't think it helps much tbh. she still hates the school environment, feels scared and overwhelmed. the class teacher still has to deal with 30 kids in his care, many from refugee backgrounds with extreme trauma, many with attachment disorders. the school don't have resources to put the support in place, that they know helps her. I've been told it will be impossible to get a EHCP, but I'm going to try. In the meantime, I can't homeschool, I can't get an au pair, I don't have a spare room, I can't move, I have an older child in her GCSE year

OP posts: