Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move my 8 yo DD to private school?

184 replies

Rocktheboot · 10/10/2019 19:51

is it mad to put £20k on mortgage to send DD to private to finish yes 5 and 6? reason being she is school refusing due to anxiety (caused by bullying) She can't cope with noisy naughty kids (makes her feel unsafe) and needs lots of attention to stay feeling settled

OP posts:
Welshrainbow · 11/10/2019 10:31

@rocktheboat
Will she be ok with moving without her friends though and with no knowing anybody or with potentially being at the same secondary as kids who have previously bullied her?
If you are happy with the state secondarys as an option then I’d go for it, in the grand scheme of things an extra 20k on your mortgage when it sounds like your house has increased loads in value anything is nothing as long as you can afford the repayments.

Original poster
Rocktheboot · 11/10/2019 10:33

I hope it is extraordinary @trewser

the school ARE listening. but DD is not a priority because she excels academically, despite low attendance. they have given her counselling. they do what they can, when they can. but they have kids who are struggling AND behind academically. THAT isn't extraordinary for busy state primaries

OP posts:
Breathlessness · 11/10/2019 10:34

Look around on MN threads about bullying. There are parents who are dealing with this daily in schools all over the country.

Trewser · 11/10/2019 10:35

They are listening but she's not going to school? Sorry, i may have got that wrong.

Original poster
Rocktheboot · 11/10/2019 10:36

i’d focus on getting some help for her anxieties

what help? she is in CBT based counselling with a clinical psychologist

OP posts:
Trewser · 11/10/2019 10:36

Sounds to me like you've already made your mind up. Hopefully the private school will help her with confidence and you can find someway around the state school dilemma. If the prep school has other children who go to the state school it might be fine.

57Varieties · 11/10/2019 10:37

It’s really frustrating @rocktheboot. We were fobbed off for years by school because my son was coping well with the work but it got to a point that he then couldn’t cope in class to the extent his work started to suffer too, and that then triggered more anxieties. I know schools are under pressure but they need to help the underlying issues before it becomes a much bigger problem. She may be excelling now academically but bets are she won’t be and she’ll fall behind if she’s already school refusing :(

57Varieties · 11/10/2019 10:39

With respect I’m not really sure why you posted. I hadn’t read the full thread when I first posted, I have now, so I see she’s getting counselling etc. If you think the move to private school will help her then fine of course you wouldn’t be U to do that. You don’t need anyone else to tell you. All I’m trying to do as a parent in a similar situation with my own child is give a bit of support.

JacquesHammer · 11/10/2019 10:41

Will she be able to cope with moving to a state secondary school knowing the friends she made at private school are not going to be moving with her?

Unless it is a prep attached to a senior the cohort will be moving to a number of schools. I think a good school will prepare the children well for spreading their wings in many different directions!

From DD's year of 17, 2 went to selective grammar (different ones), 5 went to one private, 2 went to another two different privates and the remaining 8 went to 4 different state comps.

Original poster
Rocktheboot · 11/10/2019 10:42

@57varieties, you don't ever talk things through to help you make decisions?

OP posts:
Trewser · 11/10/2019 10:44

It's very rare to go to state comp from prep here. Those who do go in year 9 not 7.

The OPS dd sounds as though she has more issues than a change of school can fix tbh.

myself2020 · 11/10/2019 10:44

Most state schools lack the resourced to focus on anything than the most disruptive pupils. if you are lucky, they also focus on the most academically able and confident children. children that are not disruptive fall through the net. its sad but true. Which is why private schools exist and are popular

57Varieties · 11/10/2019 10:46

Other than the anxieties, has she been assessed for/diagnosed with anything else? My son has anxiety, but for him it’s part of his ASD.

Original poster
Rocktheboot · 11/10/2019 10:54

@57Varieties just going through Autism referral now. just completed questionnaires. but school and Counsellors think it is not autism

OP posts:
LuItaliana · 11/10/2019 10:58

I think in your situation I would do it OP. It's obviously not ideal to add to your mortgage but you've obviously tried all other options with the current school/GP/CBT etc.

converseandjeans · 11/10/2019 11:34

trewser are you being deliberately nasty? The school OPs daughter is in is huge - 4 classes per year - it's noisy and there are students messing about and disrupting lessons etc. Why is it her fault that she finds this overwhelming? She just needs to move schools. I have been lucky my kids are in a small state primary with none of this disruption.

Yes i agree good mental health is priceless. Learning resilience is a huge part of that. No child should be bullied, but at the same time being absolutely cossetted does children no favours once they get to ks3 and need to crack on academically

This is really unfair - taking a child out of the environment described is not cossetting her. Why are you being so judgemental of a little girl who is struggling?

MollyButton · 11/10/2019 11:47

just completed questionnaires. but school and Counsellors think it is not autism

That especially with a girl doesn't mean anything - except maybe a false negative. My DDs school were shocked when they were given the forms - when I had assumed it had been the elephant in the room for a year or more. They honestly saw Autism as very disruptive boys - probably missing lots of girls over the years. (At least 3 in DDs year, out of 90).

Trewser · 11/10/2019 11:50

Why are you being so judgemental of a little girl who is struggling?

I'm not judgemental. I have first hand experience of private school not making the difference that I hoped it would. It is not always the answer.

Trewser · 11/10/2019 11:52

And if money wasn't an issue then yes, try it. But if it is an issue then 2 years might not make a huge difference and if she loves it and has to leave it could well make things worse.

Mistlewoeandwhine · 11/10/2019 11:52

I think it’s worth the gamble. My son has mild SEN ( dyspraxia) but is very clever. We home educated for years after the utter crap ness of state primary and he is now in a nice private school with great behaviour and a big emphasis on being nice. He is going from strength to strength and even though we aren’t really rich enough to afford it ( no holidays and my DH works in a menial job at the weekends for extra £) it is definitely worth the sacrifice to see our boy being so happy and coming home every other day with awards, prizes, praise and the joy of friends.

ButEmilylovedhim · 11/10/2019 12:34

Hi OP. I would go ahead and move your dd. Poor thing, I feel for you both. My dc had very bad depression and was school refusing. School just went on about attendence and were unsympathetic. We went to Camhs and also paid for counselling. If Camhs hadn't have seen her in a reasonable time frame, we were ready to go to a private psychiatrist, which you can imagine the cost of.

The point is, sometimes you have to focus on the present and let the future take care of itself because the situation you are currently in is so serious. I'm talking keeping someone alive in our case.

What to do about secondary is a bridge you will cross in time. Your dd may be fine to go back into state by then, she might equally get a bursary/scholarship as she is very talented. It sounds as if there is a lot of equity in your house, why not use it to help your most precious.

My dd is at uni now and is flying. I wish you and your dd all the best. She has a lovely mum which is the most important thing. Flowers

Original poster
Rocktheboot · 11/10/2019 12:50

@ButEmilylovedhim
your post has made me cry. thank you. I'm so glad to hear your DD is doing well

I think my mind is made up. when I dropped DD off this morning teacher was stressed, couldn't talk (I understand that) so I BRIEFLY explained what she needed today i.e. not have to sit amongst the food dropped on floor, during assembly

just picked her up. Attendance officer very cold, as always. DD sat amongst food on floor in assembly. got the news that the 2nd of dds 2 friends has left the school today. 1st one left last week. I think we are done

OP posts:
Lollygaggles · 11/10/2019 12:55

Absolutely yes, without a shadow of a doubt YES! I moved my DS October half term last year part way through Y4 because he could no longer cope with the extremes of behaviour, the noisy class and the lack of help he received due to the firefighting effectively that the classroom adults were tackling.
He is now in a tiny independent Primary School and has changed from an anxious, depressed underachiever to a sunny, chatterbox who skips into school and loves his time there. There are 10 children in his class ( only 70 in the entire school) and it's more like a family in many ways. The fees are £6k a year, so not out of reach and I have lost that tightness in my chest and the knot in my stomach, as I know there will be nothing desperate that's happened when I collect him. Due to the calm, small classes, his sensory problems have all but disappeared and although he will have to leave for secondary in 2 years, the personal growth, maturity and feeling of being comfortable in his own skin will travel with him. We are unlikely to be able to afford independent secondary, but are considering downsizing if it comes to it. But he's changed so much in the last year that we are going to wait and see where he is this time next year before we make a firm decision.
I can't put into words just how thankful we are that we made the move.

Good luckSmile

ButEmilylovedhim · 11/10/2019 13:06

Sending a hug to you. Yes, it sounds like that's it now, there aren't even any friends left. The other parents are obviously voting with their feet.

It's not much of an ask is it? Not to have to sit in yesterday's dinner. How many adults would put up with that? Why should children have to?

What kind of timescale are you looking at, for the other school? Flowers

dappledsunshine · 11/10/2019 13:23

I think you're doing the right thing op- it looks like you really have explored every avenue.

My ds is struggling with anxiety and school refusal at the moment but we are very fortunate in that his school are small and very supportive plus he has had early CAMHS intervention.

However in your situation it really does seem that you have tried all the options available to you, private school sounds like it could be a really good match for her.