to move my 8 yo DD to private school?

[Rocktheboot]

is it mad to put £20k on mortgage to send DD to private to finish yes 5 and 6? reason being she is school refusing due to anxiety (caused by bullying) She can't cope with noisy naughty kids (makes her feel unsafe) and needs lots of attention to stay feeling settled

@Trewser actually 30 years ago. Put yours cat claws away 😂

YY @Breathlessness, I'm at the stage where I'd pay ALOT for my dds mental health. she needs kid gloves right now

@Breathlessness exactly. and (surprisingly for many, but it makes sense) many of these caring schools have excellent results without selection, early streaming etc

@Trewser you don’t learn resilience by getting bullied. you learn resilience by getting supported

Where did I say it's your daughters fault that she was bullied? I said the issue is not the school, the issue is your daughter. She is the one needing help. You'd do better to look at how you can help her, build her confidence. No child deserves to be bullied.

Everyone absolutely must do what is right for their children but it is a fallacy that most expensive = best even in academic terms

I've had experience of cut price private schools pushing the small class sizes and nurturing ethos and imo (I'm sure others will be on to put me right) they are always predominantly filled with kids who just couldn't cope with state secondary - not SEN necessarily but mainly with hugely over protective parents who were a PITA!

but at the same time being absolutely cossetted does children no favours once they get to ks3 and need to crack on academically

Don't be silly - some children absolutely need that. Other children need a more robust approach.

The sign of a good private school IMO is one that can support each child as they need it rather than a one size fits all approach.

you can't learn resilience when you are in constant flight/freeze mode

It'll vary hugely but DD is being challenged much more academically now than she was before - 1 teacher in a big class with behavioural issues galore meant little differentiation in work and the brighter children being utterly frustrated.

We moved her for both reasons - both the academics and the environment were dreadful

My huge reservation is that this is a very short term stop gap.
yes you can afford a private (or raise the money to pay for a private school). But you do not have the money to do this long term.

If your DD is refusing school - then you should be asking for an assessment for an EHCP. If she doesn't go to school you should honestly say she isn't there because of her mental health issues. You could also contact the Educational Welfare officer to explain the difficulties you are having.

To be frank the school you describe is dreadful and I am 100% confident there are other State schools nearby which would deal with sexual assault etc. far more effectively. Yes its not your DD's fault - I would say the school is failing your DD massively.

Sometimes the slightly scruiffier school in the less desirable area, and even the bigger school can be far far better than the one that everyone wants their children to go to. I came very close to moving one of mine from the "sought after school" to the one across town in the dodgy area - because the latter seemed like a much better school when I worked in it, I didn't because my DD seemed to have some friends and didn't want to go.

Long term you need to be providing an education for your DD - private schools tend to be more expensive at secondary, and no bursary is guaranteed. However if your DD had a EHCP it might even be possible to get the LA to provide school fees if a private school was deemed to best meet her needs.
On the other hand just moving to a private school will not solve all the issues.

She is the one needing help. You'd do better to look at how you can help her, build her confidence. No child deserves to be bullied

this is just words @Moondancer73, it doesn't SAY anything

it's just platitudes.

this IS a way that I can help her build her confidence; finding her the correct environment. What 'ways' are you talking about? finding her something she is good at? joining clubs? walks in the nature? meditation/mindfulness blah blah?

Haven't RTFT I'm afraid (so apologies if I'm repeating someone else) but sadly you can't assume that any child won't be bullied at private school. Our DD was so badly bullied in Y4 at a very selective private school that we had to move her. We're now in secondary at another private school and, whilst DD is fine, others are being bullied dreadfully.

Small classroom sizes doesn't necessarily mean safety - it's simply a reduction in the number of potential friends. Do you have any personal recommendations of schools? That might give you, and DD, some peace of mind.

I hugely sympathise - I would have paid a king's ransom for our DD to be happy.

Using ‘kid gloves’ and ‘cossetted’ speaks volumes. The OP’s child needs a quieter, calmer environment to allow her to reach a point where she can start to build resilience again. You don’t help someone having a panic attack by saying pull yourself together. It’s meaningless when they’re at that level of stress. You can’t get through to them. You get them through it and when they are calm and receptive you start to teach them about managing anxiety and relaxation techniques.

OP I hope you find somewhere that works for your DD. It sounds like she’s had a rough time and there’s nothing harder than watching your child struggle and feeling unable to make things better for them. Have a shop around for the best remortgage options.

Proper help, instead of being flippant and looking to remove her from a difficult situation. I understand how difficult bullying is - my son went through it and it was awful but a private school will not solve it long term. Have you spoken to your gp? We were referred to the school nurse service and then onto a counselling service which was age appropriate and were absolutely amazing. I'm aware that your DD has already had some counselling but don't dismiss it, the right counselling is the way to go, and CAMHS if needed

@MollyButton THE most excellent state school in the entire region is our most local Primary School. it is Ofsted outstanding in every category. People move from London to take their kids to this school. The catchment area is 400m. People queue outside estate agents to buy a house in catchment (literally). my house has quadrupled in value in 15 years because of the excellent school. my eldest DD went there and it was great. that is the school where my youngest was bullied.nthey failed to protect her. they decided instead to look after/protect the bully and his SEN and didn't properly investigate the sexual abuse (which 1 child admitted to).

most of the other local schools are similar to the one that we are at.nthere is one other potential but we have been in the waiting list for a year

@moondancer I am very far from flippant. YOU re the one being flippant. of course I have been to the GP. I've been to my MP and she is advocating for us with CAHMS. However, my DD has had 2 extensive periods of counselling. it's private counselling. CAHMS won't offer any different/better

what is 'proper help'?? it's akin to 'take care of yourself'. what are you refering to, when you say 'proper help'??

regarding EHCP....I'm in the process, but have been told by counsellor/school that I almost certainly won't get one for her. only very small % get them for severe learning difficulties. and because DD does well academically, it will rule her out. I'm still applying, but I know it will take 12 months or so. in the meantime...?

I don’t think it’s a bad plan to remortgage to afford a couple of years of private school but I do think you need to consider whether you are really 100% likely to get a bursary/scholarship for y7 onwards as I presume if it were that easy there are plenty more people that would do what you are considering.
What will happen if you don’t get a bursary? Will she be able to cope with moving to a state secondary school knowing the friends she made at private school are not going to be moving with her?

The catchment area is 400m. People queue outside estate agents to buy a house in catchment (literally). my house has quadrupled in value in 15 years because of the excellent school.

Would there be any chance of moving? Even if it was just a short way away? Your other child is in year 10, so long as they are able to get to school could you look at moving closer to the other state school which you are on the waiting list for?

@welshrainbow there are a couple of good state options for secondary.

I feel for you as my son is autistic with anxiety too. We moved him to another local state school where he’s only in a class of 17, which really helped his anxiety around noise, BUT, he’s now becoming anxious about other things - work, homework etc and we are awaiting referral to CAMHS. You wouldn’t be U to support your daughter in the way you feel best, but this may not be it. I’d focus on getting some help for her anxieties.

moving closer to the other state school which you are on the waiting list for?

it's walking distance. it's just full up

Will she be able to cope with moving to a state secondary school knowing the friends she made at private school are not going to be moving with her?
This is a very good question. If there is no chance you could afford private secondary then you could end up doing her mental health even more harm. What's the state secondary like?

Why do you think the school aren't listening to you? If its as good as you say it sounds an extraordinary state of affairs that you find yourself in.

If the state schools are good and there's no way you can afford private secondary then I would not move her.