to move my 8 yo DD to private school?

[Rocktheboot]

is it mad to put £20k on mortgage to send DD to private to finish yes 5 and 6? reason being she is school refusing due to anxiety (caused by bullying) She can't cope with noisy naughty kids (makes her feel unsafe) and needs lots of attention to stay feeling settled

I'd certainly consider it. We've just moved 9 year old DD from state to private. I have autism and I suspect she does too, she struggles with the big classes, noise, mess, one overstretched teacher for 33 kids...she doesn't need extra support as such, just a better environment where she can learn. She was also being bullied including one little shit burning her hand in the class and the teacher not noticing.

She's like a different child since we moved her. She's happy, challenged, enjoying school, eager to go...just had 1st parent's evening and the teacher knew her better in under 2 months than her old teacher did after a year. She's in a class of 17 instead of 33. It's also all girls - we weren't actually looking for that but there weren't many schools with spaces available as we were late applying and when we looked round DD just loved it. The worst bullying and bad behaviour in her old class was from boys so for her it was a refreshing change - might be something to consider as from what I've seen it changes the atmosphere markedly.

I went to private school. It was just as noisy as state school, bullying just as bad

Then your private school wasn't very good. Or it was about 40 years ago.

Bullying goes on in any and many schools ,so I would save your money if I were you.

@trewser, it's just NOT the case is it??? a village state school, granted. but it's far from similar to city schools.

plus if poster went to private school, how do they know what state school is like on the ground

and all the concern about readjusting to state for secondary would be void, if they are the same

why would anyone PAY for school, if the free school was the same??

The problem is so many people seem to think that "private school" is a catch all term. It isn't. There are good and bad private schools, much like there are good and bad state schools.

OP - YWNBU provided you have judged the school on its own merits (which I get the impression you have) rather than just assuming "private will fix it".

FWIW DD had her entire primary career at a private prep. Not one that specialises in SEN but one that is inclusive. Well over 50% of her class (and therefore her year) had SEN ranging from the autistic spectrum, to emotional and behavioural needs to dyslexia etc. Almost all the children with SEN joined from Year 3 upwards because they were failed by their state school.

The environment at the state school the op uses is unusually bad and disruptive. Agree with pp who said adults at work wouldn’t work in a place like that. And if you’re a child who is more sensitive then it is worse.

My experience of private for dc has been very supportive and nurturing.

It’s the difference between the two individual schools that is important for op.

@jaques there are 2 private school near us that I would send her to. there are 4 that I wouldn't send her to

We were in the same boat, there's a massive private near us which has relatively big class sizes and over 1200 in the primary school. Wouldn't have been a good fit for DD even though it's a very good school by all accounts.

Her new school has about 200 in the junior school by comparison

Rocktheboot

Seems a sensible option for you then. We chose state secondary (albeit selective grammar) over a private she was offered a full scholarship/bursary combo for. Class sizes and school size is substantially smaller where she is!

My attitude is, if you are going to pay, pay for the best you can. Absolutely no point in paying for a middle of the road private who are desperately cutting costs, have no money to invest and which attracts nothing but kids who won't cope with state. I'm not paying exorbitant fees just for a few less in the class!

The worst bullying and bad behaviour in her old class was from boys so for her it was a refreshing change - might be something to consider as from what I've seen it changes the atmosphere markedly.

That may be true in junior school, but the all-girls environment can become pretty volatile as they get older, from about 11 onwards. I went to an all-girls private school and it was a hotbed of bitchiness and anorexia. I made life-long friends and very did well, results-wise, but some of the girls there were absolutely miserable

its up to you of course, but it may be cheaper to have her do an online school with maybe a childminder to supervise or family member. My daughter was a school refuser too and has done online school since middle of year 5 and she loves it, although me or her dad are usually around to vaguely supervise. Its been the making of her really.

My main concern here would be the money. Private schools are expensive, you need a plan for if your DD doesn’t get a big enough bursary at secondary school for whatever reason.

In terms of the school environment though, if you pick the right school, it sounds like it would be a good move for your DD.

My kids went to a private school for a while. It didn’t work out for us - we were asked to remove DS1 because (a) he has ASD and they couldn’t / wouldn’t support that and (b) they thought he wouldn’t get good GCSEs. He was far from the only child with SEN I know of who was managed out of that school.

But for a bright neurotypical child, capable of working well if they’ve got a calm environment and a bit more teacher attention, it was a perfectly fine school.
Any child who went around throwing tables or physically assaulting other pupils would have been kicked out quickly.
Even more minor misbehaviour, like persistently being noisy and naughty in class, wouldn’t have been tolerated for long, especially if the other parents started complaining.

Well aware that there can be different issues caused by all girls, as I say it wasn't what we were looking for but right now it was the right fit for a DD who was being badly bullied by boys. My mixed state school was a hotbed of anorexia and bullying too, I have no friends kept from school as it was so awful.

My attitude is, if you are going to pay, pay for the best you can

The best for any particular child isn’t necessarily the most expensive. I think that’s a common misconception surrounding private schools.

“The best” should only mean the best suited to your child (and indeed for some children that could be state schools)

Some people on MN are so anti private school that you will always get judgmental and unhelpful posts. Mine have been to both state and private and if you can afford it (which is the question here) then I would definitely recommend private education.

The school I work at gives loads of bursaries and is well know for doing so. Many schools are similar and I think adding money on the mortgage is a good idea. I remortgaged years ago so I could do something which benefitted my dc and I’ve never once regretted it.

I would do it in a heart beat given your and DD situation and I do not agree with struggling to pay school fees.
Your circumstances are unusual and you need to do what is best for your child.
All you lose is money but you might get your DD back.
Goodluck.

“The best” should only mean the best suited to your child (and indeed for some children that could be state schools) if you are talking about pastoral care, yes. But personally I don't want to have to invest thousands just so my dcs get treated with kid gloves. My investment is in their academic future - we do not have the selective grammar system here.

I’d do it. From what you’ve said your DD needs it.

OP, I think you should go for it.

There are a few private schools near me. A couple are quite expensive, very academic, and I honestly think there would be as much bullying there. However, there a 2 smaller, cheaper, private schools near us which are well known in catering foe children where have been bullied at other schools, or who have sent, and those 2 schools have excellent pastoral care, and sounds like your DD would flourish there. Th classes sizes are small and the fees manageable.

If I was you, I'd visit a few different private schools with your DD and see if there is a little one with good pastoral care which would suit her well.

Good luck

Gosh, the typos in that!!

Should read However, there a 2 smaller, cheaper, private schools near us which are well known to cater for children where have been bullied at other schools, or who have sen, and those 2 schools have excellent pastoral care, and sounds like your DD would flourish there.

A couple are quite expensive, very academic, and I honestly think there would be as much bullying there why?

‘I don't want to have to invest thousands just so my dcs get treated with kid gloves’

Good mental health is priceless. Academic success means nothing if you have an anxious, unhappy child.

if you are talking about pastoral care, yes. But personally I don't want to have to invest thousands just so my dcs get treated with kid gloves

I wasn't just talking about pastoral care - I was walking about the full school experience.

My investment is in their academic future - we do not have the selective grammar system here

Neither do we - there are, however, a couple of super selective grammars.

Everyone absolutely must do what is right for their children but it is a fallacy that most expensive = best even in academic terms.

Yes i agree good mental health is priceless. Learning resilience is a huge part of that. No child should be bullied, but at the same time being absolutely cossetted does children no favours once they get to ks3 and need to crack on academically.