to move my 8 yo DD to private school?

[Rocktheboot]

is it mad to put £20k on mortgage to send DD to private to finish yes 5 and 6? reason being she is school refusing due to anxiety (caused by bullying) She can't cope with noisy naughty kids (makes her feel unsafe) and needs lots of attention to stay feeling settled

There could be ‘noisy naughty kids’ at private school too. Are there any other mainstream schools in the area you could move her too?

@WrongKindOfFace these kids (like my son and several other kids in his class) don’t have special needs as such. they are “just” more sensitive etc. private schools have the resources to accommodate that.

Glad it works for them, but the op says her child needs a lot of attention. Depending on what that means it may not be something that a private school is willing to accommodate. On the other hand it could be great. She will need to discuss with them.

I would 100%.
Is the independent school a good one?

I'd go for it. Sometimes just the change can be hugely helpful, especially for girls at that age.

Also, dont assume that just cause state primary was tough for your dad then state secondary will also be hard. Sheer numbers means your dd will have a bigger pool of people to hang out with. Also, the disruptive kids are often better dealt with at secondary.

Just give her a break for two years. You'd get to side step SATs too, which would be ace. Then look at secondary choices with an open mind.

My dc currently go to a great inclusive private school, just come back from a meeting about dc's extra support.
It's not that I think private schools are a bad idea so much as sending your dc to a school by adding to your mortgage is a bad idea.
My dc also got good support in their state school when in the UK.

dd not dad

Total curve ball, you don't give much away so hard to tell. Do you need to live where you live? Is rural type living with a commute a compromise. Small local schools, lower costs.

I don't know I just would be scared to make that commitment and then have the worry of secondary. I'm an over thinker. What if you get her settled, someone loses a job, etc etc.

I moved my dc to a private school for this reason - it was absolutely the right thing to do. But putting the fees on your mortgage sounds like a slippery slope. Not sure what I’d do in your shoes. Very tricky

It is a hard one as one of my dc found noise hard and private really helped him concentrate and do well. He then grew in confidence due to his results and is now fine and doing well.

Hard though to see a big sum added to mortgage.

Hi OP - are you in inner London or another city? If it's the former I may have a (state) recommendation.

I can't home school as I'm a single parent with 2 kids and need to work to pay mortgage. have to live here, yes

can't really check what bursary I would get, but 100% possible in at least 2 local privates for secondary. plus a couple of really good state secondaries local.

Open day is November and trial days after that but before Xmas, for September intake. but I need to make decision about extra borrowing in next 2 weeks

I know it's a risky strategy, but I need her to feel safe and recover, or she will deal with this forever. And I am out of ideas

academically, she is way ahead, despite having 70% attendance. she needs no support with learning. she just needs a calm environment without kids turning tables upside down. I get that there are also kids with bad behaviour at private schools, but just no where near the same extent as you get in large oversubscribed 4-form intake inner city primaries. she needs attention in the form of reassurance and encouragement and just ATTENTION

@BreakWindandFire not London, no

If you’re considering adding to the mortgage anyway is a move to an area with more suitable schools feasible?

What about your other child? Can you fund both of the, if needed?

Yes I think you should probably do it OP. Of course, there are problematic kids in all schools, but there will certainly not be kids turning tables over in an independent and the expectations on behaviour will be much higher in general. Also, if you’re not happy about anything, you are a paying customer, so the school are more likely to take you seriously and act.

@WrongKindOfFace my other DD is in Year 10, in local state comp. doing fine and happy. GCSE years, so really can't move her

YY @Parisa5 to the paying customer aspect. my DD has alot of sensory issues due to her anxiety. she can't cope with the food on the floor, where they have to sit for assemblies (because it's also the lunch hall). I DO get that most kids would flick it out of the way and forget about it. but really...REALLY? can't they just sweep the damn hall??

This is a silly idea.

Smaller class sizes will not help. Smaller classes of varying numbers up to about 12 in schools specialising in SEN do work for some children by enabling them to access the lesson content directly from the class teacher without needing an LSA. The standard issue smaller classes in mainstream independent schools ie. 20 rather than 30 will make no difference in your daughter's case.

Someone who is school refusing at 9 is going to struggle horribly at secondary school whether state funded or independent. Lots of children are bullied, but very few of them develop anxiety to the point of school refusing, so this has to be looked at as a significant difficulty that is likely to persist. Puberty and the transition to secondary school itself are both likely to be anxiety provoking for her.

Your daughter needs an EHC Needs Assessment, in order that she gets an EHCP - her school refusal is a learning difficulty arising from anxiety, requiring various elements of provision to enable her to learn.

Mainstream independent schools are usually no better than state funded mainstream schools for SEN. Sometimes they're worse.

It’s a calculated kind of madness, and for a school refusing child, for two years only, with possible SEN, I would consider it.

I’d use the two years to vigorously pursue, CAMHS, treatment, additional assessments and an ECHP. Also researching private school bursaries as a plan B.

Didn’t you post about your DD recently in respect of t school refusal and possible HF ASC?

I think it’s a bad idea. Also yes you may get a nursery for secondary, for 5%, 10% of the fees. Can you afford the rest?? If not going from private small to larger high school, in my opinion is going to be a lot harder for her. What about a different primary school?

Bursary/scholarship combos can run up to 100% of fees @IsobelRae

I’m sure OP has looked into t situation locally.

I think you have to consider the long term implications of increasing your mortgage to that extent. What happens if interest rates go up or we end up in another recession. Worse case scenario you loose your house.
At the moment your daughter is going through an awful time at school. Are the school implanting their anti bullying policy. Is there something else going on?
Would it help if you invited one of these bullies round for tea? I know it sounds crazy but I know it worked for a friend of mine.

bullying happened in reception/year 1 in a different school. included strangulation, punching, kicking, sexual assualt.

there is nothing to say that she will 'struggle horribly' at secondary school. you can't predict that. At this rate though, she won't even BE in school in 3 years time. I know it's a risk. but if the recession is that bad I'll probably loose the house anyway. also, if I can't keep her in school, I will have to stop work to care for her...equals lose house

I think the way I am reacting/replying has shown me that my mind is pretty made up about this.

but, fuck no, the bullies won't step foot in my house. ever

and YY tottie is right, bursaries go to 100% in the 2 I am looking at

@tottie I have posted about DD recently. I don't think I'm who you are thinking of. she is just starting autism assessment, but only because it presents similarly to anxiety in girls. no one really thinks it will return a diagnosis; more to rule it out