Shitty message from 'best friend'

[HappyMondayKidz]

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

To be honest I think 'roll with it' or go with the flow is the best reponse. It might be impossible for the Op for a range of reasons.... it might be perfectly doable for equally a range of reasons. Take it as it comes. probably best advice for most things in life to be honest!

Easier if you jhave a friend who won't strop if you say 'You know what? The wedding is next week and I am just not sure I can manage it'.

Maybe we should all be mroe generous with each other. Know that most people want to do right by their loved ones, and if it does not work that's okay too.

I don't think YABU, unless this is part of a history of you being flaky and making commitments and then cancelling them. I may be biased, because I have some invisible disabilities (and in the past had some commitments to elderly and ill relatives) that can make certain types of travelling commitments impossible for me; and what I most need from friends is acceptance and tolerance of my difficulties, and willingness to accept that I am trying my best, and do go out of my way to do what I'm capable of. It is far more important to me that a good friend should accept what I am and am not capable of doing, that that they should attend my special occasions; and I would be much more devastated by a friend sending me a message of the sort that you were sent, than by their inability to attend my special event (unless they literally cancelled at the last minute, which is not the case here). I would be tempted to reply to the message with 'and I would move heaven and earth to accept it if you genuinely could not do something, and to refrain from reproaching you for it'. I probably wouldn't, however. The complicating factor is of course that you'd agreed to be MOH, and so in some sense might be seen as letting her down (admittedly a long time in advance) on an arrangement, not just failing to support her with your presence. I would perhaps suggest that you help to find someone else to be MOH; and that you assist with any organizational work that you can do (with the internet and Skype there is far more that can be done in absentia than was the case in the past). The alternative is of course that you agree to go BUT make it clear that if you or your baby is unwell, or not in a state to manage a long journey you may have to cancel far closer to the last minute. It might be quite possible for you to take the journey with the baby- some babies are fine with travelling. OTOH, if the baby has any health problems, or you have PND, or the baby is simply very colicky, it might become very difficult; also any transport strikes or breakdowns might be much more difficult to 'get around' if you have a young baby. It's possible that your friend's reaction is fundamentally because she fears that once you have a child, you may have less in common with her, and friendship with her might take a back seat to motherhood. And that's not a totally unjustified fear: your baby will be the most important person in your life at least for a while. I might suggest alternative possibilities for her: perhaps she and her dh could come and stay with you for a few days after her wedding. Will you be choosing a godmother for your baby? - if so, you could ask her if she'd do this (and of course you would then need to be the one who is flexible about the timing). Make it clear that you will continue to need her as a friend forever, but that you may be more physically restricted for a while.

Tbh when I had my first I was very precious however my father in law does suddenly in Ireland when my baby was 11 days old so I had to travel by plane at 14 days old as he would not be allowed to trace any younger. Plus it is so much easier to trace distance with a little one of 2-3 months rather than a toddler. I since drove to Ireland with my four children all around 10 weeks old as I had each of them christened in Ireland at 12 weeks and our journey is a 12 hour trek by boat and car and no trouble at all.
Try and rethink, you don’t want to lose your BF when it’s very doable x

If she’s your best friend, you’d make it happen. I went to my best friends 40th party 40 miles away 2 days before my scheduled Caesarean section. It’s not like it’s abroad, and when the babies are new borns, it’s easier to travel with them.

She’s understandably disappointed that you won’t attend the wedding. Has she had a lot of friends cancelling due to babies etc? My sister was really upset as she was the last of her group to get married and out of the 20 she invited to her wedding only 5 came the rest cancelled due to pregnancy and newborns. She was pissed off as she’s done the travelling for hen weekends, weddings, baby presents etc etc. She felt it showed how little they cared about her to make the effort.

Travelling by plane is easier than train with a young baby. 8 weeks is perfectly doable - do you realise that in Orkney, Shetland, Western Isles we have to take 1 hour flights home with our 4 day + babies??? Using plane travel as an excuse not to go with a 2 month old is being precious!

It's amazing that so many people on here where able to go out and about, dress up, travel etc, with a young baby. A lot of people can barely go out of the house for a few weeks or months. You're lucky if you could.

I don't blame the op one bit though I wish she could go, it would be a nice change for her. She doesn't know yet how she'll feel after giving birth and may not be able to do it.

Please be kind to her. She's not nasty, she wasn't even pregnant when the idea of her being MOH was first mooted.

I will say, op, you don't know how you'll feel until after giving birth. You may be one of the lucky ones who is back to 'normal' and charging about within a couple of days - but you might not.

If she's a close friend and you're the MOH, then you are being very unreasonable. A baby is not a good reason for not attending the wedding. I drove to France with my first child when he was four weeks old and we flew to South Africa when he was four months old. Babies are super portable. Make the most of it!

I'm going to stick up for you OP. My OHs brother got married in Wales when our daughter was 6 weeks old and we live in Scotland. We had been a maybe during pregnancy with the plan that if I wasnt up for the journey my OH would go alone. Decided to go and I reckon it was a major factor in me developing PND. The stress of taking everything and spending the day at the wedding trying to act like I was okay on hardly any sleep was tough. I spent the first few weeks of my daughters life planning and stressing about the trip when I should've been just enjoying my baby and not having that pressure. It's not as easy as jumping on a train and spending the night. The baggage you need for an overnight stay is a car full! We took the car and that was another stress, checking she was breathing every 10mins! I'd say dont rule it out completely but make it a maybe as you may feel different when baby is here

Unless you are in the first couple of weeks, a small baby is the very easiest type of child to travel with. If you don’t go, you will massively regret it once you have an 18 month old and realise how comparatively easy it would have been. They just sleep, feed and fill nappies. And yes you’ll be tired but a long train journey esp if OH is with you will be great for sleeping and not having to do household chores.

I can understand why she’s upset

You’re making it all about you and it’s her day. Plus; if the date has been planned so long, why haven’t you budgeted for it?

Sorry but YABU

As it's your first baby, you may be panicking a bit. Or maybe there's a bit of peer pressure?
You could go to the hen-do without drinking or being stupid on the dance floor. It'd be perfectly reasonable to leave by midnight too.
As for the wedding, this is an eating, sleeping baby we're talking about. My Uncle, Dad, husband and I drove from Cardiff to Glasgow with our 2 month old daughter for a rugby match and I'm damn sure I'd have made the effort for my best friends wedding.
Having done many journeys with all 4 children, car is definitely the easiest. No noisy passengers and crowds. You can stop when and where you want to. I can't think of anything more stressful than trying to keep a crying baby quiet on a crowded plane or train.
Just bite the bullet. Apologise to your friend and say you'd love to go if she'll still have you.
Take lots of photo's for baby to look back on the first road trip. And have FUN!! You're having a baby!

Sorry I think Yabu re the wedding (the hen do if it's a wild boozy one I would opt out if pregnant too & offer to do a dinner or something just with her maybe) but the wedding?! Your baby be at least 2 maths by then. We drove from Ireland to England with our 6 week old to my Dh granddad 80th. Just stopped off loads of times. Didn't read the whole thread why wouldn't your partner go if it's your very best friend? All sounds a bit me me me.

Bridezilla....she''ll realise she's being a plonker . Eventually.

You shouldn't miss your best friend's wedding. Your baby would sleep most of the way at that age. I would personally drive. It should be exciting. You'll have so much help with the baby and it'll you'll find everyone will be really sociable around you both. I would do anything to not miss my best friend's wedding, even borrow money, you can pay that back but you'll never be able to see that special day again. And you'll regret not going.

Everyone: yes, massively so

Not everyone.

do you realise that in Orkney, Shetland, Western Isles we have to take 1 hour flights home with our 4 day + babies???

Yes but you are going home, to your own comforts. Not to an all day party hundreds of miles from home for the benefit of someone else.

I took my first born on holiday at 2 weeks old babies can travel they fit in with you, they are going to have to get used to it for life, I never thought that it could be an excuse as some have said...……………..just saying!!

YABVVU

You're obviously incredibly important to this lass or you wouldn't have agreed to be MOH.

If you were concerned about your "best" friend you'd suggest you resign as MOH in case your birth was complicated or the baby fretful and you didn't want to leave her in the lurch with no notice. You could totally be up for being at the wedding (barring disaster). That sort of travel with a new baby is fine, especially by train (register with the train company for notice when tickets are available or use a split ticketing site to get the cheapest options).

Your anxiety/concerns/first-time-mother-itis are catastrophosing something that can be straightforward.

Saying "I have crappy news and great news - I can't be MOH but I'm having a baby, and I can't wait for you to meet him/her" is not the same as "I'm having a baby so I don't care about my promis to be MOH, organising your hen do and I'm not coming to your wedding."

You've known each other forever. Take the compassionate view.

UANBU.Absolutely not! She is your fiend, but it's only for you to assess and decide what is within your ability and what is not.And if she calls herself your friend, she should respect your decision as well as appreciate your priorities and priorities of a small baby. Instead she chooses to bully you into the idea of her perfect event imo. The other side of the picture is that by the time you might be well ready for a little social mingling and a little break from the routine. I have a couple of friends I bonded with 20-25 years ago. We are there for each other and always been, but, as reasonable adults ,each of us appreciates the fact that first we are mothers and then we are friends. And that's mutually respected.

Do you think it’s possible that you were relieved to have got an excuse to not have to go to the wedding? Were you maybe finding the idea of being MOH a bit too much or your relationship with your BF a bit draining?
The reason I ask is that you’ve bowed out of the wedding without any real reason to think you won’t be able to travel as your baby will be around 3 months by then.

I can understand it makes you feel a little anxious and you don’t know how things will be. I would try and feel a bit more positive that it is possible- maybe even an adventure! There is nothing like a baby to bring people together so I am sure you would have plenty of support. The flight to Scotland is less than an hour. Babies are free. Go for it!

Just get the train to the wedding - I would be gutted if my best mate missed it (having recently had a baby it’s definitely doable)

Why can’t you go to the wedding? 🤔

I went to my SIL’s wedding when my second baby was about 8 weeks old. It was hard work and the travel wasn’t anything like that far. Don’t be told what you can and can’t cope with, trust your instinct and look after yourself and your little one.

You’re not BU. Life gets in the way of things sometimes. My sister had to miss her best friend’s wedding as it was abroad and my sister had a baby a couple of weeks old. They’re still best friends years later despite that.