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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shitty message from 'best friend'

695 replies

HappyMondayKidz · 10/10/2019 19:32

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 11/10/2019 20:51

It's just a bloody wedding. It's one day! I wouldn't go, but as you can see I think weddings are overrated Grin

Itsonlymonday · 11/10/2019 20:52

As a first time mum I was very protective and being in my own environment at home made me relaxed.
Going to a wedding so far from home with a baby that you need to feed every 3 hours it will be extremely stressful and tiring. You won’t be able to enjoy it.
I don’t know how you got some of these answers ..maybe mumsnetters are a lot more relaxed.
I think it’s your right to say you can’t go. If she’s a real friend she’ll understand. Unfortunately people don’t know what is like until they actually have children. I hope she’ll understand.

Frazzledmum123 · 11/10/2019 20:58

@HappyMondayKidz I am with you 100% on this. When my friend had her first child I was so excited and wanted to visit straight away but she asked me not to as she was not feeling up to it. I didnt understand and was a bit upset. Then I had my first and I got it. Having a baby is a huge deal, you may feel like you can do anything afterwards and wonder why you were worried, you may feel like just getting dressed each day is an achievement. My second child I travelled when she was young but there is no way I could have coped with my first. He was a harder baby anyway but it also took a long time for me to find my feet with things being a new mum.

Friendship works both ways, people are telling you if you were a real friend you'd make the effort but if she was a real friend she'd understand this is a big thing in your life also. Dont be pressured into doing something you arent comfortable with, it's the one time in life you can be selfish, you need to look after yourself.

I think people's comments on here are ridiculous when a previous thread about someone not wanting visitors for a few weeks after birth had loads of people saying it was selfish of others to expect their wishes to be more important.

And yes, it is a bit pfb but actually he or she will be precious and more important to you than anything else. Oh and congratulations btw xx

nannygoat50 · 11/10/2019 21:00

I think you are being unreasonable. The baby will be 6 weeks or so and some people go bs into work when they are that age. It’s an easy age as they sleep a lot and this is your best friends wedding

Mishka3085 · 11/10/2019 21:00

People legitimately lose their mind when it comes to their wedding. You’re her close friend, and as such she should understand you will have a newborn and live a long while away. She’s not seeing this at all from your view as she’s gone full on bridezella. So you’ve apologised and made it clear you can’t go. You don’t need to do anything else. You’re pal should hopefully realise she’s being a selfish cow and apologise eventually. Take care.

Mishka3085 · 11/10/2019 21:01

Sorry *your pal.

celticprincess · 11/10/2019 21:05

We took my second child to Australia when she was 5 months old, with a 3 year old too. The baby will be fine travelling 8 hours in a car.

Birdgirl67 · 11/10/2019 21:06

My best friend accused me of lying, then sent me a load limit abuse and ended by telling me to fuck off (in those words via text) all on my birthday. I had done nothing wrong and never lied to her. She then went on to bully me at work.
No words to help, but know how you feel xx

Smarshian · 11/10/2019 21:06

I think you’re being a tad unreasonable. I went to someone’s wedding that I had met once before (DHs very good friend) when DS was 13 days old. It was a 6 hour drive each way and and overnight stay. It was fine and we actually really enjoyed ourselves.

Tammyxxx · 11/10/2019 21:07

I disagree with the majority - I don’t think you are being unreasonable- you’ll have a tiny baby - you’ll be tired and the last thing you’ll want to do is travel - best friends should understand - hope she gets over it, it’s no ones fault, just one of these things.

Smarshian · 11/10/2019 21:07

Just to point out DS was with us as well.

relax2 · 11/10/2019 21:09

YABU

I had baby born may and friends wedding early sept and was breast feeding - I planned ahead and expressed 100oz so I could go and not worry (apart from sore (.) (.) all day!)

I would go, plan it properly with lots of stops. You will be sad if you miss it.

policeandthieves · 11/10/2019 21:11

I would go - went to sisters, also involved a short flight with a 4 week old. BF and all was fine - struggled to get in my posh dress though!

manicmij · 11/10/2019 21:12

Would miss the hen do but the wedding is feasible provided baby does arrive when due. 8 week old is travel worthy by car or plane. Depending on destination and where you live a car journey may actually be easier and you can stop for breaks instead of having to keep to a timetable. If you don't go you have nothing to apologise or make up for.

foodiefil · 11/10/2019 21:12

YABU but I think you know that by now

It's your best friend's wedding

It's only Scotland

If you can't do this for her you're not that great a friend and I'll be looking out for her thread to tell her that about you

SuperMumTum · 11/10/2019 21:14

I would be glad to have avoided an expensive, probably boring, wedding at the other end if the country and try to forget about it if I were you. I don't like weddings.

Greensmurf1 · 11/10/2019 21:16

Yanbu
You don’t know how things will be after your baby is born. You don’t know how much or little sleep you will get. You don’t know whether your baby will be colicky or able to sleep through a brass band. You don’t know how easy or difficult breastfeeding will be or how soon you will feel recovered from the birth. You don’t know if you will have a baby that cries or vomits or sleeps through every car journey. Every baby is different, every new mum’s experience is different. If you are thinking ahead and worrying that you will be miserable at your best friend’s wedding, you know your feelings and experience of stressful situations best. You wouldn’t want to feel resentment towards her on her very special day.
At the same time, would you feel a lot of regret for missing it?

Maybe there is a way to join the wedding but you won’t know until much nearer the time. Maybe there is a way to save up to be able to afford it or to get a travel insurance policy that would allow you to cancel.

Maybe you will be able to come up with a way to heal the friendship by renewing/reminding/sharing some special memories and experiences that brought you together as friends in the first place. Maybe telling her how much you understand how upset she is will help make up for the disappointment your friend is feeling.

manicmij · 11/10/2019 21:16

I am assuming you have a partner or someone who will be attending wedding with you otherwise who will look after baby whilst you officiate.

BlackSwan · 11/10/2019 21:23

You're pg with your first child. You can't possibly know what travelling with a young baby would be like. Your friend is being immature and self centred.

Curlycupid · 11/10/2019 21:25

I’m glad you’re not my friend OP.

woblob · 11/10/2019 21:30

Um, I think you're being a little PFB about not flying tbh. I flew solo with DD when she was 7 weeks old, but the flight was only a 1.5 hour flight so quite easy. It was for a friends parents funeral.

I also flew internationally when DS was 7 weeks old- a 24 hour flight with him and 2yo DD! DH was there to help too though.

Flying with a tiny baby is actually quite easy.

Ilovesweatybollocks · 11/10/2019 21:31

YANBU
Personally I think you should do whatever is best for you and your baby. If she's such a good friend she'll understand life doesn't always go the way you want and circumstances can change but it doesn't mean you have a tantrum and behave in a selfish manner. She should celebrate your lovely news instead of thinking about herself all the time

Evilspiritgin · 11/10/2019 21:37

Oh dear it will be on loose women and Jeremy vine Monday

Shayisgreat · 11/10/2019 21:39

I have a lot of sympathy with your point because I know that for a few months after my son was born I did not like the idea of travelling anywhere and I was very uncomfortable in general. I was so tired, sleep deprived, and had very sore boobs that leaked all the time. I wouldn't have wanted to go to a wedding amd I really resented going to family gatherings for the first few months because I just wanted to get used to the massive changes that were happening. And as someone who recently went to a wedding with a baby I can tell you that it is not a fun experience!

But you have to do what you think is right for you and your baby. If the friendship is important enough to you, you could put yourself out for the wedding.

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