Shitty message from 'best friend'

[HappyMondayKidz]

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

By car is not necessarily safe:

www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/warning-over-babies-sleeping-in-car-seats/

www.motherandbaby.co.uk/baby-and-toddler/baby-and-toddler-health-advice/targetText=Safety%20experts%20and%20car%20seat,in%20a%20lie-flat%20position.

Surprised this isn't more widely known going by the people saying drive 8 hours. I was aware of this 20 years ago.

Perfect first born here! If you are missing her wedding then is a bit out of order. If she is genuinely your best friend you would be there for her, NO MATTER WHAT! However it is totally your life and she can’t dictate that but can feel different about your friendship. I have kids and think YABU about the wedding. If she has no kids she will even more think YABU. I do think she is being unreasonable about the hen. I would not ask a heavily pregnant person to my hen....they take too many embarrassing drunk photos. Ha ha.

Who are all these 12 year olds who'd be so devastated if their bff couldn't attend their wedding? To be clear: birth of baby (especially after miscarriage) - important. Hen do in flipping night club, not at all important. Wedding - really Not. That. Important. Really not. Appeasing a bridezilla who will accept no compromise - Nah. OP, do what you need to do for you and your family. Enjoy your baby and your partner and your holiday. Do NOT feel guilty. Mumsnet is very strange at the moment, pay no heed.

OP the longest domestic flight to Scotland is only just over an hour long...

London to Aberdeen is 1:16

Newquay to Edinburgh is 1:35

Could not agree more @pickingdaisies and as I said in my earlier post on this thread, I was completely understanding when my best friend couldn’t attend my wedding in a different town due to the birth of her first baby. We still talk most days now after having four more kids between us and she is still an amazing friend. OP your “best friend” needs to grow the F up.

Well said @pickingdaisies! A wedding is not the be and end all. Trust your instinct and stay at home with your newborn. Going will only stress you, and hopefully your “pal” will calm down. Take care.

i got married 4 months after BF had long awaited twins ( IVF attempts eventually donor eggs so extremely precious , in a good way!)BF did not attend any hen dos.
she was chief bridesmaid , but all along it was IF, not expected, she could do it. Twin 2 rushed into hosp the week before wedding, discharged day before wedding, BF had my house for weekend ( we lived 2 1/2 hours away) . she was a star and i am so glad she made it but i would still have been her BF if she hadn’t .
Friends are there throughout the ups and the downs, it works both ways. I fully understood why my mate may not have been able, i really did not expect her on my hen dos, but was so pleased she made my wedding, although i would have completely understood if she hadn’t made it.
good luck whatever you do .

Can you explain that you’d like to be at the wedding but it’s hard to commit as you don’t know how things will go? There are a lot of people on here talking about the ease of travelling with really tiny babies but I must admit I found the first few months incredibly stressful (PND diagnosed at four weeks) and couldn’t even contemplate the train journey into London to meet a friend (a journey of about 45 mins) until the baby was four months and I’d got into my stride more.

It’s impossible to predict how it’ll go. I’d envisaged breastfeeding my baby everywhere and merrily wearing them in a sling, and the reality was somewhat different!

Praise be, mishka and 99, it was starting to feel like I'd slipped through to an alternative reality!

I was bridesmaid at my best friends wedding, breast feeding a 12 week old, first born. My mum had a spot at the wedding, bought the baby in the day time so I could feed at regular intervals, then took the baby home at about 7pm with some expressed milk (which he rejected). I got in at 1am, baby was a bit hungry and cross, I fed him, we had cuddles, all was well. I would go if I were you, I know you feel anxious but you'll regret it if you don't in the long run. The baby will be fine, you'll be fine, your best friend (hopefully) only gets married once.

And I should add that I don't say any of that lightly, I was massively anxious before hand and contemplating not going. I know how you feel. But I'm so glad I went.

I’m glad you’re not my friend OP

I'm glad the OP's friend is not my friend, @Curlycupid

What a load of bollocks this all is. The OP should look after herself and her baby and stay at home, not attend a sodding wedding. If her "friend" is "devastated", her friend ought to get over herself.

When DH was due to be best man at his best friend's wedding and we discovered I was pregnant and due around the time of the wedding, they were the ones that suggested shifting the wedding date back a few weeks, along with a strong 'but we're happy to see none, one or three of you, see how you all are, we know it's unpredictable with a newborn, you know we would love to see you but if you can't make it, that's fine, we'll have a toast to wet the baby's head in your absence.

That's the way that a best friend should treat their newly-pregnant best friend when it comes to wedding dates and pregnancy well in advance of the actual day. This was 15 years ago - the pram/car seat system we bought had a lie flat car seat as part of it as we knew if we went to the wedding it would be a long journey and we knew the dangers of having a newborn sitting in a car seat for long journeys even back then...

I think yabu to not attend your best friend’s wedding because you have a baby. It will be asleep much of the time and whilst a journey would be slower it is 100% doable and preferable even to travelling with a child of any other age 😂 as others have said, have you considered a train? I don’t blame your friend for being annoyed. I wouldn’t go on the hen do if it is clubbing though I think yanbu there. Chin up - babies change life, sure, but only to the extent you let them. You’ve got this!

I think you should go; she’s your best friend (is she?). If you aren’t in a good state to go after the birth then of course you can cancel it but not to even try is disappointing and I’d be gutted if you were my supposed best friend.
As for the hen, are t you supposed to be organising it if you are/were MOH? If so, find out what she wants to do, organise it and then you just go to the bits you are comfortable with and go back to the room when they go clubbing. If you are not MOH any longer then just see what the arrangements are for the activities and see what you can join in with; fair enough if you don’t want to go clubbing.
I’ve got a child but have recently had several miscarriages and I know how traumatic they were and how anxious it has made me; I can only imagine that you are very worried about the baby during your pregnancy and when it is born. Hopefully the pregnancy will be fine and you will recover well and quickly after the birth. Then by 2/3 months later you will be fine to take the train with your DP.
If you care about her then you would go to her wedding - it means a lot to her.

Yeah, you're BFF's wedding is far more important than having a bubba, YABU not to go, you can just stick a baby in a sling or a car seat for 8 hours, its fine, and its better to spend the money on going to a wedding than saving it for your maternity leave. Best friends put each other first. xx

Nimello:- What a load of bollocks this all is. The OP should look after herself and her baby and stay at home, not attend a sodding wedding. If her "friend" is "devastated", her friend ought to get over herself.
........
I agree.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable but that it's probably based on fears that you have as a mum-to-be. You can take an hour long flight with a 3-month old without too much hassle.

She loves you enough to make you made of honour so it's not that odd that she's hurt that you cannot go.

** Maid of honour, not 'made' oops.

Can understand your worry however I flew to Scotland for my cousins wedding with a week old baby - quite frankly the easiest trip ever as she just slept and fed. The older they get the harder they are to be honest. If you can be there it would obviously mean a lot to your friend.

More fool you.

Well said. 12 year olds Seriously!!