Shitty message from 'best friend'

[HappyMondayKidz]

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

I didn’t really get it when one of my best friends couldn’t make it to my wedding a couple of months after giving birth. Fast forward a couple of years to when I’d had my first. I struggled mentally for the first couple of months and hated the idea of being away from my child. Gave me a new perspective I just didn’t have before I had kids. I look back and realise I had no idea what it was like to be a new mum.

You aren't being at all unreasonable. Your friend is being a silly, spoilt bridezilla.

You cannot possibly know how you will be when just a few weeks post delivery as you do not know how it will go. I was still recovering from third degree tearing and stitches that were taking ages to heal when my first baby was 8 weeks old. Add to that the sleepless nights feeding a newborn baby and the sheer exhaustion of it all and I certainly wouldn't have been fit to go to any wedding.

I'm genuinely shocked by some of the responses you have been getting. They really must be from a bunch of 12 year olds as someone already said. Either that or lots of people on here have had an empathy bypass.

You do what you feel most comfortable doing. Fuck hen dos and weddings, especially if they are making you anxious and stressed. Bridezilla can organise her own.

Your “Friend” isn’t really a friend at all , she’s quite the bridezilla. You really find out who you are important to when you’re pregnant, my Sister dropped me like a hot potato when she realised I would be 5 months along with twins on her wedding day. Me, my husband & my pregnant gut got shoved onto the Slush table with all the single hanger ons, she didn’t even sit us with my family, I wasn’t even allowed in group photos lest my huge belly & boobs offend someone’s sensibilities.
That friendship is probably over & probably for the best, do you really want someone so insensitive in your kids lives?

Not going to the hen do is totally reasonable. Perhaps you could go out for a nice meal with her instead? I don't understand why you wouldn't attend the wedding though. Babies, especially tiny ones, travel really well. Take your time and may be have an overnight stop if driving. I honestly don't think having a baby should stop you travelling. I would be disappointed if I was your friend too.

You don’t say if you are single or not - if single then she’ll have to understand if you can’t make any of it (unless she’s got help lined up for you). If u have a partner then you should be ok and can turn the trip into something fun for you all. Or best option go alone, fly there and back for a night. And in the meantime if you want to make it up to her just say something along the lines of how the pregnancy is impacting u emotionally and yr sorry for saying u couldn’t go your emotions are all over the place. You never know you might need her to babysit one day soon!

I would reconsider. She's your best friend. It's Scotland not South America! Budget airlines and budget hotels are plentiful. I flew to Majorca with my 8 week old and he was a dream. Slept the whole way.

'Single hanger ons?!" Lol Callie G! - better than the smug couple brigade! Give me the Slush table anyday!

I think you could not attend the hen do and be ok, you could do something special just with her, I think the wedding is a very sad one, I would want my best friend at my wedding, you could do stops to get to your friends wedding with a baby. I wouldn't miss it because of the journey she hopefully will only get married once would you really want to miss it and think how you would feel if the boot was on the other foot

I think you should have just said you’ll play it by ear. You might be feeling great, or you may have had a horrific birth and be in no state to travel. Your friend is being a bitch as far as I’m concerned. She had no idea how you’ll feel.

Or best option go alone, fly there and back for a night

Give me strength.

Ditto nimello!

After 8 weeks you may be ready to escape out of the house. It will make you get out and about as well as It is nerve racking when you first go Away with little ones. Although saying that I missed a friends wedding once because it was my sons birthday - no kids at wedding,4 hr drive, wouldn’t have seen him all day. But that’s a whole other thread...

I wouldn't want to drive that far with a newborn or fly. Everyone's different I feel your friend could have been more understanding it's not easy to get to a wedding miles away especially with a newborn.

The issue here isn't about whether you end up going to the wedding or not, the issue is that you have dismissed the possibility out of hand without even trying. Yes, you may have the baby late, have a traumatic birth or something else that means you're unable to travel, but then again you might not! I think it's the fact that you've already decided no without trying that has, understandably, upset your bf.
If you'd said you'd have to stand down as moh but would try your best to make the wedding as a guest I would totally understand that, and i would also understand if you ultimately couldn't make it last minute due to baby issues, but the way you've gone about it just screams that you don't value your friendship at all. No way am I saying the wedding is more important than the baby, but is your friendship really so unimportant that you can't even try to make an effort?

Ok so here's a view from a man! I can see two sides of the coin here. Firstly I have reached an age where if I don't want to do something, nothing will make me do it, and if I do want to do something nothing will stop me (within reason)
It does sound as if you are making excuses in advance, which makes me think you are not 100% committed to going. Fancy weddings have always puzzled me and try as I might I find it hard to take them seriously and can never understand why people spend so much time an money on them. But they do, and clearly this is a very big deal to your best friend. My feeling is that if you really want to be there, a new baby won't stop you. As many here have pointed out, they travel easily and there are plenty of ways to get to Scotland. Obviously things don't always go to plan and when the time comes if you are unable to travel that's another matter. Are you really as close to this 'best friend' as she thinks you are? Be honest with yourself first, and then be honest with your friend. If you don't want to go that's fine but don't try to fool yourself or your friend that it's because you've an new baby.

I couldn't go to my best friend's wedding. It was in Australia and DS was 5 weeks old, had no passport and was EBF. I've always regretted it. Tbh if I'd decided not to breastfeed I would have done it even if it meant a long weekend of flying to Australia and back but being able to be there. However not meant we were in the UK and free to attend a wedding in Lancashire with DS the following week, at 6 weeks old. Took us 6 hours to get there. It was fine. We took him to Glasgow four weeks later. Went to four weddings that year and depending on whose friend it was we just took it in turns to watch the speeches/dance while the other one stayed in the room.

Do you know if you plan to breastfeed? It does make it a bit easier to plan if you know how feeding is going to go. I knew with my second that I wouldn't, so when she was 5 weeks old I left her in London with DH and went on my own to Ireland for my dad's 60th bash.

I think everyone is right, babies are portable and you do find your feet with them quite quickly. You will probably regret rejecting the invitation by the time the wedding comes around because by then you'll be getting on with life with a baby and probably either have traveled or have plans to.

No your not being unreasonable at all and please don't let anyone make you feel that way. This is your first baby and unless you go through it you can't always understand all the anxiety and worry and all the experience that comes with it. Traveling with a little one is yes sometimes easier when they are that young but not always especially if your child ends up suffering from travel or motion sickness or is a colicky baby.
I'm sure that after she has sometime to think about things and calm down you will both be able to talk things through. And at the end of the day hun if she can't see things from you perspective and chooses to walk away from your 10 year friendship then that's her decision and your probably better with out her.
You have to do what YOU feel is best for YOU and YOUR BABY !!

God this is awful.... why would you let down your best friend... I just think people don’t get out enough... millions of people travel with babies and tons of people work doing physical stuff almost until they drop...
This is so all in the mind ...you can do anything you choose to do ... just plan ahead....
I feel for her and hope you change your mind and help her have a fab day ..... of course if you have complications or a sick baby then that may be a game changer.... but imagining you can’t do this and that in advance is just life limiting and unimaginative.... ps only read first page!

Well put ChrisBarker..... succinct and accurate assessment of the situation and options

I think YABU to not attend the wedding. I wouldnt go on the hen do involving clu bing but maybe from your end you could do an afternoon tea or something with some daft games or a spa day. You could even do something from home. But mainly i think you should go to the wedding. I took my first DS to cornwall at 2 months old on holiday in the car ( travel time same as yours) and we stopped every 3 hours to take him out of car seat for a feed, change and an airing. You can do it, I think you might be thinking about it all too much. Its only Scotland and if God forbid baby gets poorly youre in the UK so can go to nearest hospital if thats bothering you aswell. Money wise some careful planning x

I took my 7 week old to a wedding far away for my best friend. It was pretty stressful and I had pnd. My friend knew it would be hard and asked if I'd rather have another friend deliver my reading which I agreed too. I was breastfeeding and couldn't have left the baby alone. And had a c section, so dh had to come or I would not have coped. I did it, but would not have been MOH. I had to pull out of being a bridesmaid for another friend as I was 37 weeks.

I lost my supposed best friend just for being pregnant. Fast forward 18 months (I was pregnant again) she apologies and asks me to be bridesmaid at her wedding. I say no as I would have a toddler and a newborn, she 'understands' but then won't let either of them come to the wedding (no children allowed). I was breastfeeding them both, didn't pump and they didn't take a bottle anyway. Obviously toddler would be fine but couldn't possibly leave newborn. Anyway.....after saying she understood but couldn't possibly have them there as she'd have to allow all children she has never spoken to me again. That was 6 years ago. I'm not saying that will happen to you but if this girl is your best friend she will understand, unfortunately it's difficult for someone without children to get how difficult it might be. I certainly never understood. Of course some people just get on with life like nothing has changed after having a baby but for many others it's a completely life changing experience. I could never imagine flying with a newborn and you certainly shouldn't have them in a car seat for long periods of time. The point is you don't know what it will be like, you shouldn't be made to feel bad or stressed, it's totally unfair. As for the hen do, I would hate to be there pregnant, not able to drink while everyone else is plastered. Plus if she's making you feel terrible you definitely shouldn't go. Don't let it get to you, enjoy your pregnancy, try not to get upset. Yes she's your friend and it's horrible to fall out but you are not being unreasonable in any way. Good luck with everything xx

I’d fly to wedding and not go to hen

I suspect heavily pregnant you won’t feel like going

I think the important thing here is that you can go, you’re just choosing not to. Scotland is no distance and flying or taking the train would be very easy with a baby that age. It’s your choice whether to go but I can see why she’s upset.

I however wouldn’t consider attending a hen do when pregnant unless it was just a meal!