Trans issue at work

[NooneToldMeItWasRaining]

I work with someone that is a trans activist and while i support their right to identify as they wish, I don't subscribe to the philosophy that you should be able
to change your biological sex on your birth certificate or that gender stereotypes define who you are as a person.

I really like this person, but i struggle with their outspoken views e.g. that transwomen should participate in women's sport and to say otherwise is hateful, that some women have penises, that she is a lesbian (they are a transwoman in a relationship with a biological woman) and trying to get us to add pro nouns to our emails.

I haven't said anything and I do like her, but I am struggling with these outspoken views so at odds with my own beliefs (and common sense!). I don't want to add sodding pro nouns to my email!!

Is there any way of politely refuting any of this stuff or do I have to sit and smile and nod along

go Grey Rock... say nothing .. do not respond...

She does her job well and other than spouting these extreme views every few days she is otherwise very funny, kind and intelligent

I would take out of it the topic and focus more on the constant going on and on and on. Managers are more likely to feel able to tackle it if it's not such a sensitive issue (rightly or wrongly).

@PepePig clearly there is an issue here or else the OP wouldn't be seeking advice.

@NooneToldMeItWasRaining

I can understand your frustration, but ignoring is probably your best bet. It's all well and good people commenting on this post with 'witty' comebacks and things to say, but these people don't rely on your job like you do. If you said these things, you'd likely be dismissed for being discriminatory.

You might not like what she has to say, but I think using pronouns is worth it for an easy life. If she's senior to you I'd want to stay on-side with her until I progress. Work is a means to an end more often than not. Is it really worth shooting your progress within the company in the foot because you disagree with her viewpoint?

My advise is ignore, remain civil and continue to work hard. She might be annoying but perhaps she can be more use to you than a negativity- would she be able to help you get a promotion? Make the most out of a bad situation. It's better than being fired over comments that you made. The high road is the best road.

OP, what toilet does your colleague use?

Oh, I assumed you meant she wanted you to refer to her as her/she in emails. Ignoring the thing about putting your own pronouns in your email signature is even easier! Since I assume it's just something she has mused on. If it were to become company policy (which I'm sure it never will) then you could complain.

I really don't get the pronouns thing. My name is traditionally a masculine name. People often mistake me for a man in emails. I still don't want a tagline identifying me as her/she. Wtf difference does it make?!

Re pro nouns what is suggested is a little strap line saying 'my pronouns are hers/she'

I recently received an email at work with that info as part of the sigfile. That was the first time I had ever seen it.

I'm so fucking sick of this issue. don’t care if I get flamed but I don’t feel I can speak openly about it anywhere

And yet here you are doing exactly that, and what’s more there are a whole other lot of people agreeing with you. It’s almost like you can I’m fact, speak openly about it.

AIBU is full of people who will tell you to do anything you are told by a trans person.

Except that it isn’t. By far MN swings the other way on that.

Urgh we had this at work a few weeks ago too.

New starter, wanted everyone to refer to them as 'they'

Now this in practise is quite hard to do. It's a butchery of language and most people assume you are talking about more than one person 'oh they were due to submit this by X' etc.

We got the email from them demanding our pronouns.

It's all very tiresome isn't it?

I have one transgender friend (from) and several (mtof) acquaintances but I have never, from them or anyone else, had an email that set out their pronouns. Is that actually a thing?

If you think about it, nobody emailing you would be using third person pronouns anyway, would they? And second person pronouns are gender-neutral!

I'd be happy just to have people spell name correctly, frankly.

Until it's official company policy, don't do it, I reckon.

Hell will freeze over before I add pronouns to my email signature. If work try enforcing that I'll conveniently forget. My signature is long enough as it is without adding irrelevant information!

FtoM, not from!

She’s senior to you, and it’s probably not worth rocking the boat over, so just be boringly unresponsive. The only response you need to give is “I’m not comfortable discussing politics at work.”

Shut it down, change the subject, and keep it all strictly work-related.

They have been muttering about us putting our pronouns on our emails at my work. If they do I'm putting the old "my pronouns are sex based, like my oppression". I'd look forward to arguing about that.

Please don't be PA or go in all guns blazing.

If you are going to take a stand, make sure that you know the companies policies and how to work around them to make your point.

I have mastered the art from many yrs of parenting teens of listening respectfully without agreeing with a single word they say. While actually strongly disagreeing with them, even. I guess I can put up with bolshy strongly opinionated people after all. So yes, I think it's fine to smile & then carry on doing your thing. It's not your job to debate with them.

It's not clear that OP has any other issue than the strong opinions she doesn't share.

Veganism, which football team to support, "Americans!", criminals, people on benefits, politics, Brexit... Choose your divisions. People can civilly disagree.

Some good advice on here. It sounds as if this person is abusing the workplace and seeing it as an opportunity to push their beliefs at the rest of you.
Sadly, this is all too common and the danger is that if you challenge openly in the workplace, you are in danger of being called transphobic - as the definition of transphobia is woolly and meaningless.
I'd ignore and divert back to work related questions - just as we do our toddlers when they are irritating and inappropriate. Keep your boundaries clear - this person has the potential to be damaging to your career if they turn on you.
I'd restrict discussion to work only - and always be unavailable for out of office coffee / chats etc. Boundaries will keep you safe.

I politely decline to add my pronouns to emails or join in with pronoun rounds etc and if challanged or questioned explain I think trying to establish conventions of pronoun rounds at meetings/pronouns in bios can be quite problematic for those with English as second language, (and also perhaps for those with learning difficulties or poor educational attainment) since they often demand the use of language rules that are counter to those the person is likely to have been taught. Coupling this demand of particular pronoun use with sounding 'official' and a matter of politeness/correct social behaviour can also create issues if you are operating in a second language (or already feel in some way at a cultural, social or educational disadvantage in a situation) and dont want to give offence.
I give a few examples of how I've seen this have a chilling effect on some situations eg reducing the contributions of international students and other groups to discussions and their engagement in certain situations, and say I disagree with it as a new standard or social convention because of these subtle but disadvantaging effects on other groups.

Am a riot at parties also

@Didactylos

Virtually everyone in our organisation has their photo on windoze/skype, I refused and so I'd be expected to be the last one with pronouns in my sig.

If forced to /asked I'd probably put 'My pronouns are yours; use them wisely'.

With a trans person in the workplace, the thing is you either just agree with everything 'validation' or disagree 'opinion'. Only one will get you the sack.

I have worked with a trans person before, you basically have to remember that they are teflon, you have zero rights, and if you want to keep working there just don't ever comment on the issue. Or be prepared to go down in a blaze of glory.

I don't honestly think you can say anything without it being used against you.

But it's a fucking joke that we have to react in this way. I'm so over the entire thing.

I like the suggestion a poster made upthread, to respond with vague remarks like "Yes, you said" in a distracted manner, and carry on doing something else.

Also, the point about 'unconscious bias' is a very good one, and could be wheeled out if they try to pressure you about adding she/her to your signature. Also might be worth pointing out that everyone automatically read that as a signal that someone is trans, and you're not.

Just state you feel that your sex is irrelevant to the everyday work you do so you prefer not to use or emphasise language that specifies or draws attention to sex or gender.

Posted too soon, I meant to say that I never understand why trans people are so keen on putting she/her or he/him on their twitter profiles. It immediately shows that they're anything but (that, or terminally woke)