DH stag do

[bananallamas]

DH is going on a stag do from Friday-Sunday. I work part-time, he works FT shifts. I'm working tomorrow (as usual) and it's one of his days with DD who is 9 months and also happens to currently be teething and have a cold.

I will be looking after her myself the whole time from when he leaves tomorrow until he is back at 3ish on Sunday (hungover no doubt).

He announced he would be going on this stag do a few months ago. I thought it would be nice if he'd asked if I was ok to have her the whole weekend myself but I didn't make a big thing of it. However now he has asked me if I will finish work early tomorrow so he can leave. I could theoretically do this but it will mean I have to finish my emails etc once DD is in bed. He didn't even ask me that nicely. More just "can you be home by 4 tomorrow so I can beat the traffic".

AIBU to not rush home to enable him to spend even longer away on a jolly? Or am I being mean? And yes before anyone asks I am very jealous that he can go away for a weekend and I can't (DD still breastfeeds)

Why on Earth is it a problem to look after your child alone for a weekend?! Thank god you’re not a single mother you’d not cope day to day. I’m totally perplexed.

@CallItLoneliness you have hit the nail on the head. This is exactly how it feels.

@Pippa12 he is generally a good egg although I find that men seem to get a lot of credit just for doing their equal share of things whereas it's just expected of women automatically.

@Stuckinanutshell RTFT

Op I think perhaps AIBU wasn’t the place for this and maybe somewhere else was

Personally I do think you need to tread carefully DH is definitely a good egg but me going part time (and he getting promotions in the proceeding years DD is 10) did affect the balance (before we ml we were equals).
I think you do need to address the issue that although you are part time that doesn’t mean your work commitments are less important than his and this is setting a precedent for both your jobs. Would he (if possible) do it for you and does he understand the brownie points you are using up. This needs to be equal
All the rest (breastfeeding etc) is immaterial

In my view your initial post does not stress work issues. It mentions having to send some emails after she's asleep.

Just pointing out that you started from a slightly different angle.

" will be looking after her myself the whole time from when he leaves tomorrow until he is back at 3ish on Sunday (hungover no doubt)." And "AIBU to not rush home to enable him to spend even longer away on a jolly?"

My DH goes to London every month for three days for work - I have two small kids on my own and work full time.
If it's a mate's stag do I'd leave early from work, just like DH would for me if I needed to be somewhere a bit earlier.
Works both ways.

I wouldn’t ask my husbands position to go away for the weekend. I’d say ‘i’m going away on xyz for xyz’s hen do, it’s two nights’ and that would be that.
Yabu. He isn’t doing anything wrong! He looks after you child half the time anyway. He doesn’t need to beg at your feet and he wasn’t ‘assuming’ anything, obviously you are feeding the baby and you hadn’t any plans so whats the problem? You are being mean.

All these choice comments about breastfeeding are pissing me off. Putting your baby in an appropriate car seat in a car, on their back to sleep are all choices too, based on research and guidelines. Please everyone stop making out like breastfeeding is just a lifestyle choice. If someone needs to use formula for medical reasons that is a seperate issue. The OP doesn't. The WHO recommends breastfeeding to a minimum of 2 years. Not stopping at 9 month so she can go off on a jolly.

Is there not a large gap between "announcing" a weekend away and "begging at your feet"? I think there is, and it's somewhere in there that lie a good mannered approach that takes into account the needs of both parties.

You're not being mean... just a bit pissed off and jealous .. totally normal ... cut him
A bit of slack and let him go and have a nice time ... be gracious !!! Then remember it so he will be the same when you have the chance to do something nice !

My DH goes to London every month for three days for work - I have two small kids on my own and work full time.
If it's a mate's stag do I'd leave early from work, just like DH would for me if I needed to be somewhere a bit earlier.
Works both ways.

I think you're being mean OP and I have an 8 month old so I do understand. Just make sure you get to go away yourself at some point in the future if you want to.

Well OP you are a killjoy, a martyr, mean (many times over) and bitter.

I can't fucking believe all the stuff I've read on here - only @MrsTerryPratchett seems to make sense to me.

My opinion is that this weekend away and the request to leave early is making you uneasy on a more visceral than rational level because you perceive it as the thin end of the wedge. That you've worked hard to create an equitable situation and that this is at risk of being eroded.

Your DH's blithe assumptions and the response you've had on here are setting you firmly in your place as default carer.

We're all different OP and what's important to one person may not be for another but if you feel this strongly you need to find a way for your husband to hear you.

My ex used to book tickets for expensive concerts and festivals and send me Outlook calendar invites. The first time it happened I called him, excited about the concert, to be told that, no, that was just to let me know I would need to do all the childcare those days. I thought that was a bit fucking off, to be honest, but I'm sure other posters here would think I was unreasonable and he was being perfectly considerate.

If this was me, I’d just say “I’ll try but I can’t promise anything”. And then I’d do just that. But then if I leave early I don’t have to make it up, I just manage my own schedule.

I wouldn’t do emails after COB on a Friday, what’s the point in that? No one is going to read or deal with them then.

I get why you're upset OP, or why you were upset. People on here are really weird about men not being able to just swan off whenever they like.

It's considerate partner behaviour to discuss plans rather than just announce them. Your DP really should have come home and said "There's a stag do I'd really like to go to on these days." and then you could say "Ah yes but I have a conference on that saturday" or "oh sure I'm not doing anything that should be fine." It's just considerate and nice and should be more common than MN thinks it is. It's not controlling at all to expect a conversational ebb and flow in a relationship that should be give and take. I'd be asking DP to please discuss a plan in future rather than just announce it as a done thing. It is rude to just assume one's partner will be free and ok with everything at all points.

@OhamIreally holy shit I would have flipped my shit at an Outlook invite for something I wasn't even invited to :o

I think you're getting a really hard time on here.

I'm in a very similar situation to you - 8 month old baby (also teething and with a cold!), both DP and I working part-time, taking care of him part of the time.

He's been away for work and pleasure since our DS was born, sometimes for several days at a time. Not a problem at all. Quite nice to have DS all to myself for a while in fact. I have been away a few nights too (not breastfeeding), albeit less than him, as well as having days/half days 'off' sometimes. This is fine for me at the moment while DS is young.

I feel we've got a good balance, and am happy with our set up, as I think is he, and we communicate well about it. That communication doesn't involve 'announcing' one of us is doing something, nor 'asking permission', it means checking out of politeness that the other parent is happy to cover and take more of the load for a night/weekend/week. I wouldn't like just to be told it's happening, 'suck it up' either.

Oh, and I too would be pissed off at the suggestion when he's getting the whole weekend off, you give up what little relaxation time you have to work on Friday night for no hugely important reason (ie flight times). I don't think that's on at all. Really quite inconsiderate.

We're both self-employed and sometimes swap working hours round if it suits us for meetings etc, sometimes for work-related reasons one of us might work more than the other one week. But I wouldn't dream of suggesting he gives up his already limited work time so I could go on a jolly - and neither would he.

he is generally a good egg although I find that men seem to get a lot of credit just for doing their equal share of things whereas it's just expected of women automatically THIS!!! My partner and I have as equal a relationship as possible. I'm on leave with our 4 week old, we're splitting the leave so I'll probably have 5 months off and him 4 or 4.5 months each. He got praise from a midwife for putting the baby's nappy on and dressing her. I was whisked to theatre straight after birth ffs! I have friends praising him for doing the school runs! Before having the baby one of us would go out whilst the other stayed home with the 2 children and he got praise for it. I don't believe any parents needs praising for parenting their own children ffs. It's like society babies men sometimes.

I also wanted to say I don't know if you've tried this or even want to but to get ds to take bottles as well so I could express and go out or whatever, I had to leave the house so his dad could give it. I didn't go anywhere just sat in the car. Apparently babies can smell you or sense you in the house or something. Ds then took the bottle! Give a few things a try. It doesn't mean stopping breastfeeding if you don't want to which is fair enough, I too enjoy giving the comfort and the bond it creates, but it means you'll have the option to do more things yourself or even go out together!

you do work PT. i don't see the issue.

Good God. You sound like hard work!

Cripes people are savage on here today! OP he might not realise the impact of you finishing work early when you've gone back after mat leave, because he isn't in the position of being a working woman who is made to feel they need to prove themselves and their commitment to the job. I'd let him know how you feel when he is back, to avoid things like this in the future, but good for you for agreeing to it in this case. I find the attitudes to BFing odd, a 9 month old still needs milk as their main source of nutirition at that age, and OP doesn't seem to have moaned about not being able to spend a weekend away herself; just a slight envy of him being able to without worrying, which is reasonable. You'll be fine though, my OH deployed for 6 months when DS was 3 months old, and it's challenging but try to embrace it if you can. Get some nice (and easy to prep) food in, the weather's supposed to be rainy so get some boxsets lined up you want to watch, plenty of cuddles on the sofa. And anbesol gel if you havent tried it already.

he is generally a good egg although I find that men seem to get a lot of credit just for doing their equal share of things whereas it's just expected of women automatically.

This is true! My dh actually told me about this after experiencing the well dones just for being at the park with kids.

I understand where you are coming from op. The hour isn’t the issue though. You need you dh to appreciate you and figure out a way for you to get your own time, around bf etc. For next weekend.

@bananallamas

@SandyY2K I feel I should point out that I don't do this on work time, I do it once before I leave for work and once in my lunch break

Just saw this. You're legally allowed to express at work and shouldn't have to do it on your lunch break. You shouldn't lose any of your lunchtime expressing.

Failure to allow this by your employer would be discrimination.