Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH stag do

197 replies

bananallamas · 10/10/2019 18:23

DH is going on a stag do from Friday-Sunday. I work part-time, he works FT shifts. I'm working tomorrow (as usual) and it's one of his days with DD who is 9 months and also happens to currently be teething and have a cold.

I will be looking after her myself the whole time from when he leaves tomorrow until he is back at 3ish on Sunday (hungover no doubt).

He announced he would be going on this stag do a few months ago. I thought it would be nice if he'd asked if I was ok to have her the whole weekend myself but I didn't make a big thing of it. However now he has asked me if I will finish work early tomorrow so he can leave. I could theoretically do this but it will mean I have to finish my emails etc once DD is in bed. He didn't even ask me that nicely. More just "can you be home by 4 tomorrow so I can beat the traffic".

AIBU to not rush home to enable him to spend even longer away on a jolly? Or am I being mean? And yes before anyone asks I am very jealous that he can go away for a weekend and I can't (DD still breastfeeds)

OP posts:
OkayGo · 10/10/2019 19:11

Sorry op, I can understand not being asked in the nicest way is irritating but if it's once in a while I would accommodate him.

Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 19:14

@WelcomeToShootingStars no I wouldn't have any plans in the evening or overnight but I might have wanted to do something in the daytime as I can leave her during the day as she will take a bottle then. She won't take one before bed or settle overnight as I have always put her to bed myself and BF her then and overnight and she has obviously got into the habit and just cries if I'm not there. So maybe that's my fault for make her dependent on me.

OP posts:
supersop60 · 10/10/2019 19:15

I think YANBU, but I'm in the minority.
Yes, you have chosen to bf, and that does limit your time 'off'. You will get your turn, though.
However - your DH announced he was going. I think he could have asked if that was ok with you, out of courtesy at least.
You definitely shouldn't have to cut short your working day for him to have a holiday - again, he could have asked politely.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 10/10/2019 19:16

Before ds started school I'd regularly do 5 days on my own when dh worked away.YAB a bit U

OkayGo · 10/10/2019 19:17

Op I've just seen your last reply. she's only little - my dd was an awful sleeper at that age, and while it is utterly shit, it's just something you have to get through. My dd wasn't breastfed and she was (and is) dependent on me just because I'm her mum - you haven't made her that way! It's not a habit, just what it is at that age.

Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 19:18

I'm willing to accept that IABU because I do feel jealous that he has more freedom than me. And perhaps everyone else finds it very easy to look after a small child themselves for a couple of days but I certainly don't; DD is lovey but very hard work, wakes multiple times in the night, up by 5.30 or 6 most days, will only nap while being walked in the buggy etc etc. And right now she is even more challenging thanks to teeth and cold. I admire people who have to parent alone all the time but Im not used to that and my DH is generally pretty good and pulls his weight.

So perhaps I am being mean and should just come home early so he can leave. But I do still feel like he could have at least asked nicely and acknowledged that it would mean I'd have to work in the evening.

OP posts:
Bellringer · 10/10/2019 19:19

Just let him do a bit more one day when he is home, or get a babysitter. it doesn't all have to be set in stone as long as it's roughly fair overall. Give and take. You're stuck with bf anyway. Start giving her a bottle so you can get out more (how do you manage for work?) get friends or family to help this weekend , or visit someone if you are lonely. Snuggle up with a film and hope the teething is not too bad.

midnightmisssuki · 10/10/2019 19:27

You need your own husband to ask you his wife, nicely if he can go away/you to come back early? You sound like hardworking and seem to be hell-bent on making his work for this one weekend away trip. Yes, you sound mean. Its one child. Your child. Hard? Yes, but that part of being a parent. God - how do the singles parents do it!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 10/10/2019 19:31

Here's a thought, why don't you have a conversation with him.

Hi dh, I don't have an issue coming home a few hours early so you can head off to your stag do, but in future do you think you could just run any plans past me beforehand please, I'll do the same for you. It just means that if either of us has plans for that day we can rearrange them if needed.

KUGA · 10/10/2019 19:34

Deal with it.
It`s a one off for heavens sake.

bbciiu · 10/10/2019 19:35

YABU. A whole 4 days with just you and your lovely baby DD, oh nooooo! Hmm

I suggest you don't have any more children OP if you're already begrudging a long weekend with just ONE child.

Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 19:35

@midnightmisssuki well yes it would be nice to ask because to come home for 4 will mean I have to leave work at 3.30 which is 2 hours before I'd normally leave and then I'll have to catch up on work in the evening

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/10/2019 19:36

You work part time and look after your DD alone 3 days a week.

He works full time and looks after her alone 2 days a week.

You'll be able to manage a weekend just fine.

EC22 · 10/10/2019 19:37

You’re looking after your daughter for a weekend.
You’re being mean unless there’s a big back story of him being selfish etc
Change your mind set, come home early and wish him a good time.

Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 19:40

@bbciiu I know it's AIBU so maybe I was asking for it but it seems a bit harsh to tell me I shouldn't have any more children

OP posts:
readingnc · 10/10/2019 19:41

YABU just come home early. In our house it's a race to the calendar, first one that bags a date wins Grin

Friday traffic will be a much bigger pita for him than for you coming home early. And stop being jealous of him, that won't end well. Just make sure you take your own time out when you need to too!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 10/10/2019 19:41

I don’t really like this talk of “I have her 3 days and he has her for 2” with the implication that because you mind her one more day a week on your own that you should have him there every single weekend. You basically just sound resentful that he is having more child free time than you while he’s at work so should therefore be around more at the weekend to “pay back”. Doesn’t work like that, otherwise SAHPs would bugger off all weekend every weekend!

That said, knowing that the stag weekend started on one of YOUR working days you should BOTH have had a discussion about what time he needed to leave, well before this point and to work a way around it.

It’s a non issue really though. Parenting a 9 month old is hard. You still both need social lives. Don’t be resentful of each other’s need for this. BF mums just suck up the fact that they will have slightly less of a social life for a while. It doesn’t last for ever. Plan something for when you aren’t tied by BF, as others have said. Spa day/city break/girls weekend in the country or whatever floats your boat.

bbciiu · 10/10/2019 19:49

Really OP? Because I'll quote this back to you:

And perhaps everyone else finds it very easy to look after a small child themselves for a couple of days but I certainly don't

You find it difficult looking after one child, two or three small people won't be any easier.

bmbonanza · 10/10/2019 19:50

Gosh, fancy him not checking you could look after your own child on your own for a weekend.....how awful of him!

Purpleartichoke · 10/10/2019 19:52

I wouldn’t set your weekend up to be more complicated than it needs to be. I would work until your regular end of day.

You are already being generous by agreeing for him to go on the trip, especially since he announced, not asked.

Quartz2208 · 10/10/2019 19:53

it shocks me that so many people think its easy just to leave 2 hours early from work (particularly when part time can be tricky) just so a husband/partner can go to a stag do. And then gets called mean. What about all the people wanting email answers in work hours rather than later on a Friday night.

Where does everyone work where this would be ok?

The rest of the weekend is fine though but I do think he is asking a lot from a work perspective to leave early for this. When it should be saved for other stuff

Biancadelrioisback · 10/10/2019 19:54

This is why everything goes on the calendar in our house. Even lunch with such and such or MetroCentre. Occasionally if I have plans and DH has forgotten to pencil something important in, well have a chat about it and are who can rearrange. No one "tells" anyone else something.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/10/2019 19:58

Gosh, fancy him not checking you could look after your own child on your own for a weekend.....how awful of him!

Can she just fuck off all weekend without asking as well then?

SugarNyx · 10/10/2019 19:59

I don’t think you’re being mean. I think having a baby is hard and it’s so tough to not resent your partner when their life has changed so little and yours feels alien. I think you need to take a few hours every week and get out by yourself and find yourself again.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 10/10/2019 20:00

You are making being a parent sound like such a chore.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.