DH stag do

[bananallamas]

DH is going on a stag do from Friday-Sunday. I work part-time, he works FT shifts. I'm working tomorrow (as usual) and it's one of his days with DD who is 9 months and also happens to currently be teething and have a cold.

I will be looking after her myself the whole time from when he leaves tomorrow until he is back at 3ish on Sunday (hungover no doubt).

He announced he would be going on this stag do a few months ago. I thought it would be nice if he'd asked if I was ok to have her the whole weekend myself but I didn't make a big thing of it. However now he has asked me if I will finish work early tomorrow so he can leave. I could theoretically do this but it will mean I have to finish my emails etc once DD is in bed. He didn't even ask me that nicely. More just "can you be home by 4 tomorrow so I can beat the traffic".

AIBU to not rush home to enable him to spend even longer away on a jolly? Or am I being mean? And yes before anyone asks I am very jealous that he can go away for a weekend and I can't (DD still breastfeeds)

@bananallamas. I get what you’re saying, no he shouldn’t expect you to finish work early without checking if it’s ok. If that’s the main issue you should have just written that. I don’t think looking after a baby is easy at all, it’s bloody hard work. Throw in being poorly and it’s hell on Earth. There’s a year between my younger two and I also have a severely disabled child. If you were more bothered about the work issue you should have lead with that. The sentence about looking after your baby alone was bound to stand out and get people’s backs up. And yes I’m aware men look after their children alone too but you are a woman so i was pointing out that other woman do it every day.

So people with more than one child never felt like I do?
I have a couple of friends who found it so difficult that they decided not to have any more.

I think it's a bit mean tbh. If it was the other way around, I would hope my dp would make things as easy as possible for me.

Me: AIBU to feel a bit pissed off about DH tomorrow?

@CheeryB et al: yes, and you shouldn't have any more children

Really didn't expect that to be the outcome of this thread but I guess that's what happens on AIBU..

Really didn't expect that to be the outcome of this thread but I guess that's what happens on AIBU..

The first couple of responses usually set the tone. The next ones have to one up on them. Had the first responses been "haha and now he wants you to leave work early too!" the tone of this thread would have been completely different. Now, you're just a mean mama who probably should not have children and who should also think about her life choices and whether her marriage is working at all.

@BenjiB that sounds really tough, and of course I realise that I don't have it as difficult as many other people. But it's not a competition. I am finding a teething unwell 9 month old quite tough right now. I am also back at work which doesn't help. Maybe I am a wimp. Maybe I need to get a grip. Maybe I should stop breastfeeding. Maybe I am ridiculous. Maybe I shouldn't have more children (these are all things that have been said on this thread). Perhaps I'm not cut out for this parenting lark but I guess it's a bit late for that now!

Anyway, I'd like to see the look on my boss' face if I went to him and said "You know, I need to leave a couple of hours earlier because my husband wants to beat the traffic on his way to a stag do".

Yes, but OP doesn't work for your boss. She has given the impression that it is a normal thing to do and she has the autonomy to do that. Some people can - it will depend, job to job. I can arrange my own diary to a greater extent, as long as I get the job one, some parts of it don't matter when they are being done. So I wouldn't be the least bit angry at my dh asking me if it were possible tomorrow. If it weren't I'd have just said, 'no, sorry, no can do tomorrow' . End of. But him asking wouldn't be an issue and I can't see why it would be for the OP ~ certainly wasn't implied in the OP that it would be a problem.

God, he only asked you a question

"Can you leave work early so I can beat the traffic".

If the way he asked gave you the hump, you only had to say that to him but you chose to start a thread asking if you're BU and if you're being mean, whilst stating "I am very jealous that he can go away for a weekend and I can't".

If you don't like the way the replies went after that, perhaps you should've just sat down and told him how it made you feel, instead of running it by complete strangers.

@bananallamas. You’re not a wimp, I appreciate it’s not a competition. Just giving my situation. It is hard really hard this parenting malarkey! , I was lucky that all mine cut teeth without any problems. Definitely don’t stop breast feeding! That was my favourite part of mine being babies! I was totally overwhelmed with my first and found the next two much easier so definitely don’t stop at one if you don’t want. Like I said most people on this thread saw that one sentence and skimmed the rest. I’m sure you’re a great mum x

@WorraLiberty well to be fair we are all complete strangers talking on here so that kind of applies to everyone

@BenjiB thank you that is very kind of you. The teeth are really bothering my poor DD, she has already been up three times so far tonight

I am not unsympathetic. But what I was trying to say was give now - take later. You won't see see it now but your opportunities to do similar will come. Bank it. And then take your turn.
I have pre teens. It's still hard for different reasons but no less valid.

There’s a year between my younger two and I also have a severely disabled child. If you were more bothered about the work issue you should have lead with that. The sentence about looking after your baby alone was bound to stand out and get people’s backs up
This is the crux of it. I'm in an identical position, with my elder daughter having severe disabilities and complex needs, my youngest with no disabilities and the usual needs, just over a year apart. And a husband who worked away during the week, and no family or friends for support. It does grind my gears to hear how difficult it is to care for one NT baby alone for 48 hours. It would have been a heavenly break for me. Those of us reading have varied and extreme experiences. Hence some respond harshly.

To me his text sounds perfectly normal and natural. The sort of texts mums or dads send to each other all the time. So, I genuinely can’t see the issue with this.

Well there's certainly not going to be a second child with this carry on is there?

It does grind my gears to hear how difficult it is to care for one NT baby alone for 48 hours

Yep and me. I'm a single parent and my DC has a physical disability. Some of us have to care for our children alone, every day and night of the year. When the DC is sick, when I'm sick (looking after a baby or toddler on your own when you are sick yourself is something else)
My DC's disability also affects sleep and even now as a toddler I feel permanently sleep deprived. I sometimes get only 2-4 hours sleep total the whole night. I've had to cancel days out because it's not safe for me to drive.

I know you are not a single parent and not used to it, but I wasn't used to it either! In this instance you know that after only a couple of days max you will get a break again. For many of us there is no end in sight. I know it's 'not a competition' but it's frustrating when people have no idea just how tough it really can be and complain about something that actually, isn't that big a deal.

I know you say the aibu was about the leaving work early, but you clearly have a lot of resentment over him being away and made the comment about being on your own for the weekend.

As for the leaving work early, if your workplace is that flexible does he know this already so didn't think it would be a big deal to ask (because it isn't, like you've told us).

Meh, I understand how you feel, OP. This weekend will probably be more tiring than usual for you, while he gets to go off and have fun with friends has hasn't asked quite as nicely or considerately as you'd have liked (more like he's just assumed he can do as he pleases without worrying about it making extra work for you) and now he's also assumed that you'll happily rearrange your workday so his fun can start even earlier.

I'd be a bit annoyed, too. There's nothing wrong with being annoyed by your husband from time to time. He doesn't have to be a horrible person to earn your annoyance. And anyway, you've decided to do as he's asked, so this wasn't any worse than venting by muttering under your breath or rolling your eyes. You're not a bad person (or a bad mother) for feeling a little fed up at the moment!

If you're jealous of his freedom as you're breastfeeding, wean her off. Problem solved.
Best thing I did. I get to have 1 night every week when I sleep in the spare room fir a full nights sleep, I can go to exercise classses when she's in bed and have Just Been on a hen do. It's great.
We don't ask each other permission, first on the calendar gets that time.

For fuck's sake I can't believe some most of the responses on this thread. The DH is asking the OP to leave work early presumably fairly shortly after she has gone back after mat leave so he can leave early for fun. And her being a bit meh about it is being mean? Her career still matters, and we know that loads of employers punish women for being mothers or being part time, so actually, this does matter.

And all the people saying oh, if breastfeeding is hard just stop...breastfeeding still has advantages. Newsflash: women who choose to breastfeed are allowed to find it wearing sometimes, just like women who have children are allowed to find it wearing sometimes without being told you shouldn't have had kids.

And to the people saying "oh, it's one NT kid and I am a solo parent my kids are all disabled". Well, yes, I anticipate your lives are difficult. I get it, I do. And it's not fair. Saying that doesn't make the OP's life easy though! You simply don't know what her life is like: maybe she has no family support, maybe she has PND, maybe she is having difficulties at work. You JUST DON'T KNOW. Piling on and telling her she is being a wimp because you were unlucky isn't actually very bloody helpful. You can think she's being precious all you like--but you don't need to say anything.

OP, I would expect to be shown some appreciation if I left work early so that my partner could have fun, especially in your situation. I hope you get some break over the weekend.

Guessing that the request to leave the early is the straw that broke the back, heavily strained by the bale of hay placed on it when your husband booked onto the stag do a few months ago without checking with you.

I wouldn’t do that now (daughter is 18 months) let alone at nine months. I had one night away in her first year. Then again I wasn’t invited on any stag dos in that time!

YANBU to feel a bit miffed. I wouldn’t bend over backwards so he can get away early but if it was easy to help out, delaying him out of spite would be unreasonable.

Depending on how miffed you are, this probably merits a further chat on roles, responsibilities and fairness.

I don't think you're being mean, I think asking at such a late stage for you to leave work early is pretty selfish especially you will be alone all weekend too.

Aaaaaaaand this thread is exactly why I'd never - in a million years - start a thread on here about something that was genuinely bothering or upsetting me.

Especially about anything parenting-related.

Sorry OP, but I'm actually surprised that there are still people that are naive enough out there, who do it.

People are utter cunts on AIBU.

OP - DH and I ask each other before we make plans, along the lines of, 'is it OK if...?' ...or... 'I need to be X, so would you be OK doing Y...?'

I thought that was normal, but as ever, Mumsnet reveals that it's always a race to the shittiest, bottom of the dung heap.

This asking if you can go away as an adult really doesn't sit well with me.
Such bollocks. Everyone checks with work to book leave because they have a commitment. A baby is a commitment. A family is a commitment. A partner is a commitment. An adult with a family checks before booking a weekend away, it’s not treating them like a child.
And yes ‘please don’t I’m miserable and not coping’ is a fair reason. I’d really struggle if my dh went away while we had a small baby, as mine have always been up all night every night till about 9m and the weekends were often my only chance to get a couple blocks of 2 hours sleep. Completely nt babies but so incredibly hard and I rely on my partner because he’s my partner and their dad.

Your husband sounds like a good egg. I know how you feel tho, I used to be the same but it passes as both you and the kids get older. He clearly does his fair share. Dig deep, and tell him to go and enjoy himself with a smile on your face. If you part on bad terms it will make the weekend so much harder for you!

Can you not make lots of plans, maybe make some handprint Xmas cards, meet friends, soft play... break up the monotony. Take away and a small glass of wine Saturday night with friends when baby is in bed?