Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH stag do

197 replies

bananallamas · 10/10/2019 18:23

DH is going on a stag do from Friday-Sunday. I work part-time, he works FT shifts. I'm working tomorrow (as usual) and it's one of his days with DD who is 9 months and also happens to currently be teething and have a cold.

I will be looking after her myself the whole time from when he leaves tomorrow until he is back at 3ish on Sunday (hungover no doubt).

He announced he would be going on this stag do a few months ago. I thought it would be nice if he'd asked if I was ok to have her the whole weekend myself but I didn't make a big thing of it. However now he has asked me if I will finish work early tomorrow so he can leave. I could theoretically do this but it will mean I have to finish my emails etc once DD is in bed. He didn't even ask me that nicely. More just "can you be home by 4 tomorrow so I can beat the traffic".

AIBU to not rush home to enable him to spend even longer away on a jolly? Or am I being mean? And yes before anyone asks I am very jealous that he can go away for a weekend and I can't (DD still breastfeeds)

OP posts:
Pandaintheporridge · 10/10/2019 22:27

Oh I'm sorry, for a moment I thought the OP must be bfing a 9 year old, not a 9 month old baby - it's hardly unusual!

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2019 22:27

if it were the other way round I would probably say something to him like "sorry I didn't mention it earlier but I'd really like to be able to get away early tomorrow if possible, I don't want to be stuck in traffic. If you don't have any meetings or anything would you mind coming home early so you can take DD and I can get going? I know it means you'll have to catch up on work in the evening but I'd be really grateful. Thanks".

Do you always speak to each other like that? ^^

It's so very formal. Almost like sending a business email.

Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 22:28

@WorraLiberty yep, I'm nice like that Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 22:30

@SandyY2K I do express, twice a day on days where I'm at work. But DD doesn't take a bottle overnight as I have always BF her then (never saw the point in getting up to make a bottle when I could just shove her on the boob).

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/10/2019 22:31

Would my H do the same for me ? Yes, definitely.

So I would do the same for him.

Incidentally, the way op talks about how the care of the child is divided makes it sound like mum and dad are doing "shared care" ie. separated, not living in the same house and in a relationship

Don't lose your individual identities on the altar of parenthood, op. That never ends well. Let him go and plan something fab for yourself, and stick to it....bf or no bf.

Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 22:31

@SandyY2K I feel I should point out that I don't do this on work time, I do it once before I leave for work and once in my lunch break

OP posts:
anomoony · 10/10/2019 22:33

Wow the AIBU crowd rhymes with witches today.

Anyway, I'd like to see the look on my boss' face if I went to him and said "You know, I need to leave a couple of hours earlier because my husband wants to beat the traffic on his way to a stag do".

SandyY2K · 10/10/2019 22:36

This asking if you can go away as an adult really doesn't sit well with me.

My days of seeking permission ended when I left my parents house. I often.see this on MN..'DH asked if he can go out/on a stag do/lads weekend'... I would find this kind of relationship too restrictive.

Who would want to be asking permission to go away all their lives. Asking, means the response can be no. As a fully grown adult...that's not something I would accept.

If there were other plans that particular weekend then I would understand, but I'd arrange another time.

When my DC were younger if I wanted to go away or on a night out, I let DH know I'm planning to go away on X date...so he knows he has to be home with the DC.

I don't think trying to get away early with Friday traffic is too much to ask either.

Dljlr · 10/10/2019 22:36

Wow the AIBU crowd rhymes with witches today

Snitches?
Itches?
Pitches?
🤔

BenjiB · 10/10/2019 22:38

I think you’re being mean too. And looking after a baby alone is something millions of women do every single day.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 10/10/2019 22:43

"sorry I didn't mention it earlier but I'd really like to be able to get away early tomorrow if possible, I don't want to be stuck in traffic. If you don't have any meetings or anything would you mind coming home early so you can take DD and I can get going? I know it means you'll have to catch up on work in the evening but I'd be really grateful. Thanks".

Really?!

Just on a side note - I was at an interview skills thing one day. The man giving the presentation said women are far too agreeable and apologetic. A man will talk himself into a job, a woman will talk herself out of it. A man will tell you what he wants, a woman will apologise before asking for what she wants ("if it's not too much trouble")

It might be something worth bearing in mind.

Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 22:44

@BenjiB i do look after my daughter alone and have done several stretches when DH has had to go away for work. But that argument doesn't make sense anyway. I am not single.

Again I feel the need to reiterate that the main issue here was the late notice asking me to finish work early. I wasn't asking if I should "let" him go on a stag do. I already knew he was going away and that wasn't the AIBU.

OP posts:
autumnleaves99 · 10/10/2019 22:45

@bananallamas I do think YABU. It works both ways, he has an opportunity to have a weekend away with friends and you help to make that happen, tell him he deserves a weekend away and to go and enjoy himself. and he does the same for you when you get the opportunity. What's the alternative? No one is allowed to go out and you just sit in and get more and more irate with each other???

Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 22:46

@BenjiB looking after a baby alone is also something that some men do every single day.

OP posts:
Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 22:48

Ahhhh I'm not saying he can't go on the bloody stag do! Or that I never want him to go out! He goes out one evening every week for his hobby and I have no problem with that! Its that he seemed to be expecting me to come home early at short notice

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 10/10/2019 22:49

I don't see how he asked you was wrong - that's exactly how I'd ask my DP. I also don't know anyone who would ask the way you would. All it needs a simple 'can you get home early?' and I'd expect a yes or a no.

walkintheparc · 10/10/2019 22:50

If you resent your husband so much that you are going out of your way to stop him having a good time, perhaps it's not working.

If you want it to work, identify the things in your relationship that you don't like and communicate that to him. Don't do passive aggressive things to try and make him as miserable as you are. Find solutions, and don't be matyr. Start by clearly explaining why you don't like his attitude/approach to this weekend, and find a time to do something that you will enjoy.

Notonthestairs · 10/10/2019 22:51

Oh get away. It's earlier than expected. It's annoying but manageable. Feel irritated but nothing more.

We had two under 18 months. One disabled. I was irritated with everyone. Nothing runs smoothly a decade later! But I've just had 4 nights away. And DH is taking the same next week. Eventually it evens out. Give and take.
Just remember to take.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 10/10/2019 22:54

Actually thinking about this again, I thought back to when I was a SAHM for a while when my kids were small and wanted to go away for a short break with mum and/or sister. It OBVIOUSLY meant that DH had to use some leave to be with the kids. There was no way round it. I just told him I wanted to go away for 2 days/whatever and that one of them was a week day that he would need to take leave for and was that ok? He didn’t bat an eyelid and booked it off.

I guess taking leave or flexi are similar to each other. it’s still the working parent being impacted by the other partner’s desire and need to go away for the weekend. If the person at home on a Friday needs to go away for a weekend then the person working on a Friday will ALWAYS be impacted. I guess itMs the downside of having one of your working days as a Friday. It’s a double whammy as the person at home on a Friday doesn’t need to take any of their OWN leave if they want to go away on a Friday so they don’t use up as much on weekends away.

OP, maybe you need to change your working days round a bit so that you’re already at home on Fridays and he can take his own leave to go on stag do’s!! Wink

MadeForThis · 10/10/2019 22:56

I think I can see your point. You want to be treated with a bit of respect.

Yes you will be home to look after the baby at night anyway but it is common courtesy to thank someone for looking after the baby 24/7 to enable him to go to the stag do. Doesn't mean asking permission, just showing some appreciation.

The last minute request to leave work on top of this would piss me off too. Although if you take a step back he probably didn't plan this. He's probably getting excited about meeting his old mates and just thought that leaving earlier would make his trip easier. It wasn't calculated to be disrespectful. It just could have been phrased better.

I don't see you as a martyr to breastfeeding. You have made the choice that's best for you and your baby. You're allowed to be a bit pissed off sometimes, doesn't mean you need to stop bf. We all probably resent a lack of freedom occasionally. Doesn't mean we regret our choices.

Tell him that he's been a bit of a dick but wish him a great weekend. And mean it.

CheeryB · 10/10/2019 22:59

"I will be looking after her myself the whole time from when he leaves tomorrow until he is back at 3ish on Sunday*
Blimey. Having to look after your own child for 48 hours without assistance? Surely that's not possible!
On the other hand, perhaps there are tens of millions of mothers who do it without missing a beat. It's a one off for goodness sake. My husband, and many other fathers are away overnight working for days and sometimes weeks at a time. You need to find a bit of self reliance from somewhere. You sound a proper wimp.

Ginger1982 · 10/10/2019 22:59

Yes the issue was him asking you to come home early but your entire OP oozed underlying resentment about him going for the weekend. As others have said, bravo for choosing to breastfeed but it does limit your social life. Try to get him to give you some time off next weekend in lieu.

Fantie · 10/10/2019 23:00

You just sound mean.

Gatehouse77 · 10/10/2019 23:06

If I’m reading it right the main frustration is how he communicates with you rather than the specific topic.
DH and I do make (social) arrangements without consulting each other but will still check with each other that it’s okay and fits in. It sounds like whilst you would do that your DH informs you of his plans without ‘checking’ and assumes you will fit round it. Or at least, that’s how it feels to you.
I’d be finding an opportunity to have a chat about the how his way of communicating makes you feel and how he feels about how you communicate with him. Then take it from there.

As to finishing early, I would do it if was feasible.

Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 23:09

As I have said upthread I have come to the conclusion that I'm going to come home early so its a done deal. But not doing this wouldn't be going out of my way to stop him having a good time?! It would just be me working my normal hours. As it happens I have decided that I will make the effort to come home early and work the evening so he can leave earlier.

Just because some women are single parents or look after kids on their own for long stretches of time doesn't mean therefore no woman should ever expect anything of their DH just because some women manage all on their own. And I have actually had my DD for longer than this alone already, as DH has to work away sometimes and once went to visit family for a few days. But no one can pretend that it's just as easy to look after a baby alone as it is when there's two of you. Or if it is, then it means your DH is doing feck all.

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread