DH stag do

[bananallamas]

DH is going on a stag do from Friday-Sunday. I work part-time, he works FT shifts. I'm working tomorrow (as usual) and it's one of his days with DD who is 9 months and also happens to currently be teething and have a cold.

I will be looking after her myself the whole time from when he leaves tomorrow until he is back at 3ish on Sunday (hungover no doubt).

He announced he would be going on this stag do a few months ago. I thought it would be nice if he'd asked if I was ok to have her the whole weekend myself but I didn't make a big thing of it. However now he has asked me if I will finish work early tomorrow so he can leave. I could theoretically do this but it will mean I have to finish my emails etc once DD is in bed. He didn't even ask me that nicely. More just "can you be home by 4 tomorrow so I can beat the traffic".

AIBU to not rush home to enable him to spend even longer away on a jolly? Or am I being mean? And yes before anyone asks I am very jealous that he can go away for a weekend and I can't (DD still breastfeeds)

Additionally, whilst you may feel you can't go away yourself yet (and let's face it, it's only you putting that onto yourself, not him)*
*
BF my daughter is "putting that onto myself"?

If he’s not out all the time then I do think you are being a bit harsh, your time will come.

It’s one weekend and one child. Not that hard sorry! Get over it and wait til you’ve stopped breastfeeding an go away with your own friends.

That first big was meant to be in bold

Well yes it is. But it's like you are begrudging him any time off because of it.

It's two nights, he doesn't do this often and you begrudge him one extra hour to beat the traffic? Yes, YABU and petty. Looking after your own child solo for two nights is not a big deal.

You sound ridiculous.

If I was thinking of going away for the whole weekend I would check with him first if he minded.

And then [when the time comes] he will have to do more.

How easy is it for you to just leave work early and how would it look

OP, the tone in which you write about having to care for your DD all weekend doesn't paint you in the best light 😳 Don't be so mean, make it home by 4 so he can leave and maybe lighten up a bit?! I love having the House to myself when DH is away!

I wouldn’t expect to ask the other parent of they would parent their child. It’s one weekend, how on earth will you cope if you split or something worse happens?

Let him have a weekend with his friends.

I'm sorry op but I think yabu. Looking after your own dc for a weekend is hardly a hardship and it's all part of being a parent. If he doesn't do this sort of thing all the time I think you're being mean not to support him. He needs downtime too. As long as he'd do the same for you, I'm not sure what the problem is. All part of being a partnership and family.

As for asking, I'm sure he told you about the stag do in plenty of time, and being a parent means if one of you is away the other one looks after the dc. How long have you known about the stag do?

Relationships, particularly parenting relationships are about give and take. It’s great that you have a 50:50 balance normally- that doesn’t mean neither of you can lean on the other to pick up the slack now and again if there is a social or work event they want to go to. It doesn’t have to stay 50:50 permanently with neither of you ever getting out/away with friends. It’s fine for one parent to do more childcare now and again as long as it’s not always the same one doing the childcare and the other one always out

We might check if the other had plans if it was fairly short notice but if it was a few months away we would probably just say going to x event on that day. If the other partner has something booked then they can say well actually I have Y planned for that weekend. I would assume if he was goi g on a Friday he would probably want to leave around lunchtime unless there was a specific flight time.

You're being mean. It's one weekend.

Ahh the difference between mothers and fathers- all mums I know check if their DH has plans before they make plans- dads never do!!!! Fact of life

Jesus you know some shit men.

Not a fact of life. I don’t know many men who wouldn’t discuss a weekend away with their partner first.

All the silly disingenuous ‘why do you have to be asked to parent your child’ know full well that there’s a difference between sharing care of a child for a few days and doing it solo, especially when you’re afairly new parent and sleep may not be the best.

Then to demand, not ask, that she stops work early to accommodate his jolly - knowing he’ll be making her eat into her own free time in the evening - is taking the piss a bit.

Or they also procreated with shit men, and there was no difference if they were home or not. In which case I offer my sympathies and suggest gaining some self-respect.

I get you OP, it’s as much that he didn’t even talk to you about it and acknowledge that you will have to change your routine & do “his” bit of childcare, just takes it for granted. He should have been nice about it, and you deserve some time off where he picks up the slack

This is how it works in our house (both ways) -

"A, have you got any plans last weekend of the month?" A "nope" B "great, I'm going away with the girls"

And

"B Have you got any plans Friday night?" B "nope" a "great, I'm going to go out for drinks straight from work".

Just make the best of your weekend, and let your husband have some fun on the stag do.. It's no big deal really,unless you make it into one.

I wouldn’t expect to ask the other parent of they would parent their child

So what happens if both parents make plans without asking the other one? Of course you ask. Unless... there is one default parent. Who is generally... that's right, the mother.

Which is why both parents in this house ask. Because it's polite and sensible.

Get a grip, it's one weekend.

he just kind of assumed I'd be free.

Based on what you've said about your life at the moment, that doesn't sound a particularly unreasonable assumption.

You can make a thing of this, have a shitty weekend stewing over it and inevitably have an argument. Or you can plan a nice weekend, be pleased for your partner having fun and think about what you'll do when you're no longer breastfeeding. It's all a choice.

You have chosen to breastfeed your child knowing that that limits your freedom somewhat until she is weaned. You say you split the parenting 50/50.. Yet he works full time and you work part-time. So should the parent responsibility not be split 40/60 or 30/70?

If he's doing his fair share and it sounds like he is then your are being a bit petty. How often does he go away for a full weekend?

Your child won't be breastfeeding forever. Plenty of time in the future for you to have time away for your yourself.

Yes, you're being very petty and mean. Why would he think you'd have plans away from your child when you've said in your post that you can't have time away from her yet due to breastfeeding? Why is it such a huge deal to look after your child alone?

@Tellme well yes I have her three days a week and he has her two as he works more hours than me. But the rest of the time we split it 50:50 i.e. when we aren't at work