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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH stag do

197 replies

bananallamas · 10/10/2019 18:23

DH is going on a stag do from Friday-Sunday. I work part-time, he works FT shifts. I'm working tomorrow (as usual) and it's one of his days with DD who is 9 months and also happens to currently be teething and have a cold.

I will be looking after her myself the whole time from when he leaves tomorrow until he is back at 3ish on Sunday (hungover no doubt).

He announced he would be going on this stag do a few months ago. I thought it would be nice if he'd asked if I was ok to have her the whole weekend myself but I didn't make a big thing of it. However now he has asked me if I will finish work early tomorrow so he can leave. I could theoretically do this but it will mean I have to finish my emails etc once DD is in bed. He didn't even ask me that nicely. More just "can you be home by 4 tomorrow so I can beat the traffic".

AIBU to not rush home to enable him to spend even longer away on a jolly? Or am I being mean? And yes before anyone asks I am very jealous that he can go away for a weekend and I can't (DD still breastfeeds)

OP posts:
Newbie1981 · 10/10/2019 21:25

Yeah don't be a killjoy! My husband has taken off Friday and Monday so I can go on a long weekend with my friends. And I do the same for him! Don't punish him because you're bitter!

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2019 21:26

FFS it has nothing to do with breastfeeding this point. And everything to do with attitudes towards women working. Leaving work early has nothing to do with the same freedom at all

Bullshit, I went back to work when my daughter was four months old and still work, no breaks, and she's now 22.

It's everything to do with breastfeeding. She's jealous she has freedom and he doesn't, if she wants freedom then she should stop breastfeeding, the child is 9 months not a new born.

Breastfeeding is about finding what's right for both mother and baby, when it starts to cause resentment to this level, you're jealous of your spouse because it prevents you doing the same, it's time to knock it on the head.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/10/2019 21:26

He said months ago about the weekend away. Common sense would say people tend to travel early rather than later.

So even though he didn't ask, she should have anticipated his needs WRT the stag and made sure she was available?

Fuck it's like surrendered wives in here at the minutes.

midnightmisssuki · 10/10/2019 21:32

OP. I mean this very kindly - because you are clearly finding it tough at the moment. I have two children, one who didnt sleep though until 2.5, the other one has an immunity and allergy deficiency so i am always on edge. Both bf till 2.5. I know how hard it can be, i do. My husband travels for work, 1 week/2 weeks at a time. You child takes a bottle - none of mine did. So - i didnt go anywhere without them, but like you, its a choice i made.

You are determined to make your husband jump through hoops before you 'allow' him to go, he has to ask nicely, has to show appreciation for you doing your job, has to do this, that. He has wrongly assumed as his wife, you will just be ok with looking after your won child - this is a NORMAL assumption. You're letting your jealousy cloud everything and you seem to want him not really have an easy time away. Do you want him to not have a great start to weekend away by way of shitty traffic? You say you can leave early because you have flexi working, so what's the issue? You just want him to work harder for it which is mean-spirited. Sorry OP.

BackforGood · 10/10/2019 21:35

I haven't had an evening out since she was born because I BF her before bed and during the night. So maybe I'm just feeling jealous that he has more freedom than me.

But that is your choice. She is 9 months old. Fine, if you choose to still be the only one who puts her to bed every night. Fine if you choose to breast feed her. Fine if you choose to not have an evening out for 9 months. Fine if you choose to be the only one who gets up to her a night. If it works for you do it that way but it is a choice. Many of use take turns with our dh to put dc to bed. Many of us will have got a babysitter and gone out for a meal or whatever your pleasure is on a night out. Many of us will have left our dc with their other parent and gone out for a bit. If you choose not to, that is on you.

Your dh is choosing to go away for a weekend with his friends, which you could choose to do, if you wanted to. He hasn't sprung it upon you, you've known about it for months.

I know a couple of other posters are picking up on the leaving work early, but, tbf to OP she has implied she has a fair bit of flexibility in terms of where and when she works and that isn't actually an issue with her work.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/10/2019 21:38

he has to ask nicely, has to show appreciation for you doing your job

If you think those are 'hoops' you have a fairly low expectation of people.

My DH and I appreciate each other and ask nicely. No one suffers as a result. And it makes us feel good. Why on earth wouldn't you?

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/10/2019 21:41

Frankly DH sometimes asks a bit too nicely now D.D. is 8 and easy. "Would you mind if I went for a drink Friday?" "Why would I?"

But it's nice he checks because of the occasional "oh shit I forgot to ask about x" that sometimes happens.

AGermFreeAdolescent · 10/10/2019 21:44

However now he has asked me if I will finish work early tomorrow so he can leave. I could theoretically do this but it will mean I have to finish my emails etc once DD is in bed. He didn't even ask me that nicely. More just "can you be home by 4 tomorrow so I can beat the traffic".

But if it is that much of an issue (and you've said your work will be fine with it, so I'm not sure it is), why didn't you just say "No, I can't get home by 4 tomorrow"?

Basil90 · 10/10/2019 21:47

You're being a bit of a cow

Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 21:48

@midnightmisssuki I don't expect him to show appreciation for me doing my job? I would normally be at work until 5.30 tomorrow. So if I come home early I will need to work in the evening after putting DD to bed. That is what I would like him to appreciate - that I would be working on a Friday evening to enable him to leave earlier.

OP posts:
midnightmisssuki · 10/10/2019 21:50

Ok OP. Can I ask how you would like him to show his appreciation? Like a gesture of sorts? Or something else? Or some sort of specific wording to ask if he can go early?

tangled2 · 10/10/2019 21:53

Totally understand your frustration. It's tough feeling like you're the only one whose life has changed.

I think the attitude of your other half makes a big difference to these things. Of course it's polite to check with the other parent if they can disappear for a weekend. Parenting is a joint responsibility when you're both at home and not at work. I really value the break I can get at the weekend, whether that's to have a leisurely shower or just spend some time without a baby attached to you. I appreciate it when my other half gives me a break and he appreciates it when I give him one, as he's knackered too! Your situation sounds like he takes it for granted that you're the default person holding the baby.

Also don't feel like a bad mum for needing space from your baby. I have a nearly 9 month old and I love her dearly but I do sometimes feel like she can be a royal pain in the arse 😂 The times when my partners working away and I've done a few days in a row without a break I feel drained. So much respect for single parents, I think this almost every day.

Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 21:56

@midnightmisssuki if it were the other way round I would probably say something to him like "sorry I didn't mention it earlier but I'd really like to be able to get away early tomorrow if possible, I don't want to be stuck in traffic. If you don't have any meetings or anything would you mind coming home early so you can take DD and I can get going? I know it means you'll have to catch up on work in the evening but I'd be really grateful. Thanks". At least then I'd feel like he was acknowledging that I'd be doing him a favour. Tomorrow is his day to do childcare so it's up to him to sort out in advance if he wants to be able to leave early.

OP posts:
Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 22:02

I feel like some pp are implying that it's a bit odd to still be BFing a 9 month old? Yes I know she's not a newborn. But 9 month olds still need milk. Is it really that weird that I'm trying to keep going and am not giving up just because I'd quite like a weekend away? That would be the only reason for me to give up right now. DD likes feeding and yes I am lucky that she will take a bottle of expressed milk but I don't think that means I should give up altogether just because she will take a bottle during the day.

Before anyone says it, I'm not trying to shame anyone who doesn't BF. But it feels like some pp are shaming me for still doing it.

OP posts:
TrixieFranklin · 10/10/2019 22:04

Christ alive, no one would naturally say what you 'would say' above. There's got to be more to this than you've let on? Has he got a history of awful behaviour on nights out?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 10/10/2019 22:04

@bananallamas I don't think they're shaming you I just think they're saying that it's your choice.

They are saying that you could go away like your DH but it's your choice to still BF. They aren't saying there's anything wrong with it.

thirdlittlepig · 10/10/2019 22:04

OP I get where you're coming from. Some of these responses are... odd.

It's not nice or kind that he didn't ask if it was ok to go. That's not you being 'controlling' nor is it him 'asking for permission' but he needs to check if you've already got plans - it's the simple respect you give your other half plus he needs to acknowledge that it places more of a burden on you as you're doing all the childcare all weekend. I'm sure someone will take offence at the word burden but it can feel like that. Especially when you've been pregnant and breastfeeding for a year and half and haven't had a night away yourself. Whatever some other posters have suggested, it is hard.

So yanbu at all to feel resentful and annoyed in my book. That's said, I think that's a conversation to have with him another time. If you can get home in time for him to leave, I would. I think it would be a nicer thing to do provided it doesn't cause trouble for you at work. And if he'd do the same for you?

TrixieFranklin · 10/10/2019 22:05

No one gives a hoot what you do with your tits, but it's your choice to continue breastfeeding knowing it limits your 'freedom' for lack of a better word.

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2019 22:06

No one thinks it's odd you're still breast feeding.

What's being said is that's a choice you're making. And if it's giving you resentment because you can't go out, the answer is not to make your husbands life difficult and resent him because he can, but to consider giving up so you can have the same freedom.

Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 22:11

FWIW I have decided that I will come home early tomorrow so he can beat the traffic. I will try not to be a martyr about it either and I do genuinely want him to have a nice time away. One of his oldest friends is getting married and he will see lots of school friends who now live all over the country so I do hope he has a fun weekend with them all. I just don't want to feel like I'm taken for granted as the default parent.

OP posts:
Wonkybanana · 10/10/2019 22:15

The resentment might partly be that the OP doesn't have the same freedom, and yes that's her choice. But what's feeding the resentment is that her DH has just assumed he can go off and do what he wants, and that she will pick up the slack - and it's the last bit that's getting her goat.

She hasn't said he can't go. His latest 'request', at very short notice, is that she should also finish work early tomorrow to facilitate his jolly. The Romans had two ways of phrasing questions - one that meant the answer was expected to be yes and the other that the answer should be no. It sounds like OP's DH has the same tactic, and it was the first sort. He 'asked' but in a way that suggested the OP couldn't say no. Why should she make herself look flaky at work, and why should she then have to work into the evening, without him so much as genuinely asking her if that's OK? I don't think that's demeaning to him, or him having to ask permission, it's just a mutual recognition of each other's position.

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2019 22:16

As it's a one off, I don't see how this can be the default.

I thought you said you weren't going to be a martyr about it? 😂

Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 22:19

@Bluntness100 not to him I won't. But I can say what I like on here, he won't read it Wink

OP posts:
Chickychoccyegg · 10/10/2019 22:21

i think you've had some really harsh replies op, he should have been giving you a bit more notice/asking a bit nicer if you could get home early tomorrow, you are after all doing him a favour.
Yes he is allowed to go on a weekend away without permission but that doesn't mean he should expect op to leave work early meaning she has to now work from home on friday evening. (breastfeeding has got nothing to do with expecting dh to show some basic manners)

SandyY2K · 10/10/2019 22:23

YABU.

You are choosing to continue breastfeeding your 9 month old, which is entirely your choice...but it has downsides and impacts on your ability to go away for the weekend yourself.

You could express, but as long as you make this choice...you need to accept the drawbacks.

You do sound petty tbh.

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