Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH stag do

197 replies

bananallamas · 10/10/2019 18:23

DH is going on a stag do from Friday-Sunday. I work part-time, he works FT shifts. I'm working tomorrow (as usual) and it's one of his days with DD who is 9 months and also happens to currently be teething and have a cold.

I will be looking after her myself the whole time from when he leaves tomorrow until he is back at 3ish on Sunday (hungover no doubt).

He announced he would be going on this stag do a few months ago. I thought it would be nice if he'd asked if I was ok to have her the whole weekend myself but I didn't make a big thing of it. However now he has asked me if I will finish work early tomorrow so he can leave. I could theoretically do this but it will mean I have to finish my emails etc once DD is in bed. He didn't even ask me that nicely. More just "can you be home by 4 tomorrow so I can beat the traffic".

AIBU to not rush home to enable him to spend even longer away on a jolly? Or am I being mean? And yes before anyone asks I am very jealous that he can go away for a weekend and I can't (DD still breastfeeds)

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 10/10/2019 20:04

You are making being a parent sound like such a chore.

An early waking, night waking, sick, teething 9 month old? Yes, it's a chore. It's also great. But it is hard work.

Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 20:28

Thank you to people who have tried to understand my perspective. Some of the responses have made me feel very guilty and like I'm a bad mum. I already feel like I am trying to give her everything I can I'm just exhausted, working and always being up with her in the nights, and then early in the morning. I have carried on breastfeeding because I know it is good for her, and she seems to love the comfort of it when she wakes up, and I like being able to give her that. I am also trying to still perform at work even though I am knackered and it's hard when you're part time to show you are still committed. So I'm just finding everything quite hard work at the moment.

OP posts:
FizzyIce · 10/10/2019 20:32

Can she just fuck off all weekend without asking as well then?
Op knew about this for a few months so wasn’t as if she didn’t know he was going

FizzyIce · 10/10/2019 20:33

It’s a couple of days , ask him to return the favour so you can rest for a weekend , it’s really not worth all this resentment for 3 days ..

Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 20:33

@bbciiu so you really think that because I'm finding this stage of parenting tough and hard work that I shouldn't have any more children? So people with more than one child never felt like I do?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 10/10/2019 20:33

OP only you know how it will go down at work leaving 2 hours early and the implications of it. I know however lovely my work are leaving early is a no no if I am in the office. its a difficult one and I would say for your work sake you need to say that too him.

How does your husband view your work as an aside because the way he has asked shows me that he is very dismissive of it given he just assumes you can leave early. My DH would never ask me to leave my work unless it was a serious reason

And I still cant get over the amount of posters who expect she should just leave work early to save her husband time!

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 10/10/2019 20:35

Can she just fuck off all weekend without asking as well then?

Of course she can! She can TELL him she has plans for a particular weekend and she needs him to be available. He's not disappearing without letting her know. He told her well in advance that he had plans. I don't think he should have to ask for permission to go on a stag. No more than she should have to ask permission to go away for a couple of days. Telling your partner something is planned is perfectly fine.

OkayGo · 10/10/2019 20:39

It's definitely hard op. I've struggled with every stage of having a kid and mine is only 2 so I've many more to come. It's only one weekend and hopefully you can have a weekend back at some point. Just maybe say to your Dh that you'd really appreciate a proper chat before anything is decided. My h is away a lot with work, and the resentment about how his life hasn't changed but mine has is one I have to battle a lot because really, it's not his fault, it's just the way it is at the moment. I'm SAH and he works, it's natural he has more freedom than me. But he knows that he has to discuss things with me when making plans. I don't mind as long as I know the plans!

Mummyshark2018 · 10/10/2019 20:39

I think you are being mean. I get that you're bf'ing and it's hard to stay away at night, however don't be a martyr and get some things in the diary during the day when your dh is home- lunch/ cinema / spa with friends. Building up resentment is not good. A weekend away as a one off is nothing. My dh works away 2 weeks a month including being away for 2 weekends. I have a primary aged child so not as hard but you just get on with it! I work full time but do change my schedule when he's away to accommodate dc. I know that he'll do the same when he's here to accommodate what I want to do.

I would see it as banking a weekend for when you're more available to go away.

Witchinaditch · 10/10/2019 20:41

Yabu just be home by 4 it’s not a huge deal.

Quartz2208 · 10/10/2019 20:47

@witchinaditch it potentially is a big deal leaving work 2 hours early for something like this. There is only a certain amount of goodwill for leaving work early and I would not want to waste mine for this.

God no wonder women struggle having it all - not only is the OPs husband dismissing her job as her being able to leave early because its not important, pretty much everyone else is too

And I think people are so focused on the weekend bit they are missing the point. She was fine until he asked her to leave early so he could leave early and make her hours up. At such short notice so she cant even make preparations in advance.

And OP it did take some pushback from me to get my husband to understand that even though I now work part time it doesnt mean I dont have responsibilities and it is still a job like his

Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 20:53

@Witchinaditch it will be possible for me to get away early as fortunately I don't have any meetings scheduled but like pp have said it will use up some of my brownie points at work and I'm trying to make it clear to my manager and colleagues that I'm still committed to my job even though I'm now PT so I will definitely have to make up the hours tomorrow evening. And even if I didn't care what they thought I will still have work to finish.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 10/10/2019 20:57

@bananallamas does he get that though - exactly what he is asking. What the implications are for example when your DD is ill that because of this he is going to have to take time off for it. Because goodwill is limited and you do need to build it up (trust me I have been there)

And it take awhile for the home working aspect as well to be understood that people just dont assume you are skiving off now you are working part time.

I would be very careful making this decision so early on after going back and if you do really get him to understand exactly what he is asking and would he do it himself (because if you do this he is going to have to)

and the implications for people you work with emailing later!

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2019 20:57

Oh for goodness sake. It's a one off, you've known for months, it's not his fault you are still breastfeeding and don't have the same freedom. She's nine months old you can easily stop if it bothers you that much.

But to make it difficult for him so he gets stuck in traffic is shitty behaviour.

Just be home and then stop breastfeeding and stop making everyone miserable.

Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 20:58

@CurlyhairedAssassin I don't think he should be around more than me at the weekend. I think that we should share the parenting of our child on the days when neither of us are working.

OP posts:
Lovemydaughterx · 10/10/2019 20:58

Your being mean.

The part that stuck out for me was that you wanted him to ask you if you’ll be okay the whole weekend having her on your own. I’ve had my DD on my own for months on end plus working and I was fine.

Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 20:59

@Bluntness100 "Just be home and then stop breastfeeding and stop making everyone miserable."

Nice.

OP posts:
user1573334 · 10/10/2019 21:05

I completely understand where you are coming from OP, and I'd be pissed off too, but would know I would be unreasonable not to do so if I could as I think you do too. If he isn't always selfish that is. I think you should agree but on the condition he sorts out dinner for you and DD tomorrow day time because you'll be doing extra work at home and doing bedtime solo.

Quartz2208 · 10/10/2019 21:07

@bluntness100 so you would be happy to go into work tomorrow and ask to leave work 2 hours early (and before flexi hours of 4pm) because your husband wanted to avoid traffic at such short notice.

FFS it has nothing to do with breastfeeding this point. And everything to do with attitudes towards women working. Leaving work early has nothing to do with the same freedom at all

awarmglow · 10/10/2019 21:14

The 50:50 parenting split for couples were neither works weekends baffles me. I'm divorced from my kid's dad now but when we were married and he was young we used to do as much as a family as possible. I'd have perhaps gone to supermarket and may or may not have taken him with me, depending on whether husband had something to do in house or garden. We never kept count. I loved the very occasional weekend my ex went to his family abroad and I had my boy to myself.

timeisnotaline · 10/10/2019 21:14

Of bloody course she’s jealous, she hasn’t been out in 9 months and he can swan off for the weekend!
The only time I or dh expect the other to leave early is when we are ill, both have to leave for a holiday, or something major (like he had to leave early recently in the last week of his employment because we were moving countries). For one of us to go have fun is a polite request. Just being home on time so one of us can go out is also a polite request, because leaving work by 5:30 or 6 is not easy. I wouldn’t leave early and I would be pissed off by a late notice expectation for me to. I’d say that you will just have to enjoy listening to music on your own in the traffic, I really don’t want to have to work in the evening when snotty dc might be up half the night.

Greenkit · 10/10/2019 21:16

You're being mean, you have known for months so could have organised an annual leave day or half day.

Its not like he rocked up on Friday and said right I'm off for the weekend

Original poster
bananallamas · 10/10/2019 21:21

@Greenkit I should use my annual leave to enable him to beat the traffic to go on a stag do?! Seriously?!

Even if I wanted to, it would be too late - yes I have known about the weekend away for a while but today is the first time he mentioned wanting me to be back early tomorrow so he can get away. He told me he would be leaving Friday evening but he didn't say anything about needing me to be back early. Also, it's not like he will miss any activities or anything. He just doesn't want to sit in any rush hour traffic which I do understand is a PITA but he doesn't seem to acknowledge that asking me to leave work early means I will have to spend my Friday evening working.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/10/2019 21:23

Quartz, absolutely, I have done this, and my husband has done it for me.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/10/2019 21:23

I fail to see why everyone is making such a big fuss about this. He said months ago about the weekend away. Common sense would say people tend to travel early rather than later. Its a one off he does his fair share around the house and with the DC. Let it go.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.