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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this devestated?

176 replies

Olive94 · 08/10/2019 19:36

A little bit of background, me and my partner have been saving for our deposit for 2 years, we have also wanted a baby for all this time but we finally completed last week on our first house and we decided to start trying to concieve when we had our home as we felt this would be the best time. My 4 best friends have all had their first children in this time span and I am so longing for a baby now!!

I've been off the pill for 6 months, taking 7 seas trying to concieve vitamins and tracking my ovulation. Basically doing everything I can to prepare! My cycle and ovulation has been extremely regular.

We DTD every other day in the week leading up to and a few days past ovulation and I'm pretty confident with my timings.

I know it can take a long time to concieve, im not stupid and I fully expected it to take a few months...but
It's my dp birthday today and I've taken a test and spent the past few months imagining suprising him with it as a birthday gift and am now absolutely devastated that it's a negative... I wasnt expecting a positive but I didnt realise how crushed I would be to get a negative. (I just thought I would be like a bit sad and try the next month) but he is downstairs celebrating his birthday with all his family and I'm in bed close to tears (can I just point out he doesnt know I've taken the test and after snapping at him about something stupid I've stormed up here and not gone back down).

Am I being unreasonable to be this upset, did anyone else feel so utterly devastated after their negative tests even when it's so unlikely?

OP posts:
CormacMcLaggen · 08/10/2019 19:40

Sadly this is an inevitable part of the rollercoaster; it takes perfectly fertile couples up to a year to conceive. Best of luck Flowers

Vilanelle · 08/10/2019 19:42

Of course YANBU but do understand that these things can take time. Theres no rush, if you find that maybe you've been trying for a year or 2 with no luck, go see your doctor but I really wouldn't worry right now

grannysmith86 · 08/10/2019 19:44

Sorry to hear that. It’s horrible when you build something up in your mind and it doesn’t work out but it will be an amazing moment for you both when you find out no matter what the day.
Good luck x

MaryPopppins · 08/10/2019 19:45

I'm afraid it's like that every month. But chances are within a year you'll have that happy BFP!

Please don't let it ruin your DPs birthday though. It doesn't mean anything is wrong. Just that it wasn't your time yet.

And who knows. If you haven't started your period yet maybe you just tested too early. X

Andysbestadventure · 08/10/2019 19:46

Takes most people two years on average. Took us around 13yrs!!!

plunkplunkfizz · 08/10/2019 19:46

So you’ve been trying for one cycle? You need to take hold of yourself because unless you’re incredibly lucky and conceive quickly, this is going to happen a good few more times.

Andysbestadventure · 08/10/2019 19:48

Also give your head a wobble and pull it out of your backside. You've just had a go at your DP at his birthday celebrations because you had an unrealistic expectation.

Midlandsmummy29 · 08/10/2019 19:50

Is this your first month of trying?

AbsentmindedWoman · 08/10/2019 19:51

Yeah, if I've read this correctly you've stormed off in a huff and he doesn't know the real reason for your upset - on his birthday?

That's mean, OP. Believe me I understand you are disappointed but it's not fair to take it out on him like this.

CormacMcLaggen · 08/10/2019 19:54

I wanted to add - going forward, try not to torture yourself looking up early pregnancy 'symptoms' either, or looking up DPO stats. You'll tie yourself up in awful knots.

You start seeing signs where there are none, it fucks with your mind. Once I convinced myself when I sneezed twice in a row then I must be pregnant the day after ovulation.

And early testing can be heartbreaking - be kind to yourself and relax, remind yourself that you'll soon know if you have conceived.

I wish someone had given me the same advice

timshelthechoice · 08/10/2019 19:56

So because you didn't get your way and get some ridiculous photo opp moment of presenting him with a pee'd on stick so everyone could ooh and aah on his birthday you're carrying on like my 14-year-old? Dear god, grow up! It's his birthday. Poor bloke.

quincejamplease · 08/10/2019 19:57

You built a fantasy for his birthday which wasn't the most realistic, which was supposedly about giving him a wonderful birthday, and now on his actual birthday you're spoiling it for him? So the fantasy wasn't about how it would be for him on his birthday, but how it would make you feel?

You can see how ridiculous and selfish that is, right?

CinnamonMentos · 08/10/2019 19:58

I can understand how disappointed you feel but you really need to snap out of it. It’s your dh’s bday and you’re making it all about you. It’s fine to be sad and I’m sure if you spoke about it to your dh, he would understand and be sympathetic. But, his family are there celebrating his bday and you’ve stormed off. Go back down and apologise to him

Isitnearlyweekend · 08/10/2019 20:02

If you’re going to be this ott every month that you’re not pregnant you’re going to in for a very stressful view months/years. Relax!!

SaddleGoose · 08/10/2019 20:03

Aw I did the exact same thing with Christmas 2017. Desperately wanted to be pregnant to surprise our families but it wasn't to be. Found out I was pregnant end of January 2018 ☺️I do understand how you're feeling. I suggest just going downstairs and quietly apologising to DP and later on when everyone has left, just explain to him and he'll understand. I hope it happens for you soon!

nokidshere · 08/10/2019 20:06

but he is downstairs celebrating his birthday with all his family and I'm in bed close to tears (can I just point out he doesnt know I've taken the test and after snapping at him about something stupid I've stormed up here and not gone back down).

Sorry but you are being ridiculous. Quite apart from the fact that conceiving is not an exact science (it took me 15+ years) it's his birthday and you are being petulant and he doesn't even know why. You are going to need a thicker skin for ttc or life is going to be very stressful.

Ziraphale · 08/10/2019 20:06

@Andysbestadventure

I always have a really specific mental image of the sort of person who says "give your head a wobble" to people on mumsnet. It's not a positive one in case you're wondering.

Can we all collectively agree to just drop that nasty little patronising phrase? It's especially horrible when it's applied to women who are coming here seeking support and compassion.

Fertility issues are difficult, TTC is fraught with emotional ups and downs and we've all had that heartbreaking negative pregnancy test meltdown at some point.

Original poster
Olive94 · 08/10/2019 20:08

I do feel terrible for snapping and storming off, but he didnt even come up to see if I was okay for the hour and half I was up here.I didn't realise how upset I would feel about it all.
It's our second month of TTC the first month I never took a test as with everything going on with sorting the house I forgot to test and then got my period.
I've just been back downstairs, but I'm really struggling not to cry which is ridiculous given that it's only month 2. I just feel really emotional and wasnt prepared to feel this way. I'm not sure what to do with myself and I cant see how I'll cope if I feel like this for another 6/12 months.

Thank you everyone for your comments, I do realise I shouldn't be letting this ruin DPs birthday I'm just struggling to feel anything but sad at the minute.

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 08/10/2019 20:08

Fertility issues? This is their first month of trying Hmm. Heartbreaking? Dear god, anyone this immature really needs to re-examine and get perspective before TTC.

Teachermaths · 08/10/2019 20:12

Oh gosh OP. In the kindest possible way you need to stop being so dramatic. You've been trying 2 months, that's 2 possible times your body might have got pregnant.

Average is more like 2 years. You need to get a hold of your emotions ASAP.

TTC is difficult and can be a long process.

Sparrowlegs248 · 08/10/2019 20:14

OP I totally get where you are coming from. I spent a loooooong time trying not to get pregnant. Came off contraception and just assumed it would happen. It didn't just happen immediately but it did happen eventually, a few days after my first fertility appointment, almost 3 yrs after starting to ttc.

Really try and chill out about this or you will drive yourself mad with it. The best piece of advice I can offer is not to test until youre late. And keep dtd. Try and calm yourself down and go and enjoy the birthday celebrations.

Glacecherrychops · 08/10/2019 20:16

I felt the same trying to conceive number 2! Devastated every time my period came for several days.

Off topic, but I tried one of the contraception lubricants and conceived that month! Worth a try!

Anyway, YANBU to be really upset, but your DH deserves a nice birthday, so go be nice to him. Flowers

Homemadearmy · 08/10/2019 20:16

Honestly and I mean this kindly, chill out. You don't need to test. Wait until your period is late. Then test. Give it 6 months. And if you still haven't conceived maybe go down the ovulation tests route.

Nomorepies · 08/10/2019 20:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

FlamingoQueen · 08/10/2019 20:18

This time next year you may end up with a baby born on his birthday! You never know how these things will go!

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