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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this devestated?

176 replies

Olive94 · 08/10/2019 19:36

A little bit of background, me and my partner have been saving for our deposit for 2 years, we have also wanted a baby for all this time but we finally completed last week on our first house and we decided to start trying to concieve when we had our home as we felt this would be the best time. My 4 best friends have all had their first children in this time span and I am so longing for a baby now!!

I've been off the pill for 6 months, taking 7 seas trying to concieve vitamins and tracking my ovulation. Basically doing everything I can to prepare! My cycle and ovulation has been extremely regular.

We DTD every other day in the week leading up to and a few days past ovulation and I'm pretty confident with my timings.

I know it can take a long time to concieve, im not stupid and I fully expected it to take a few months...but
It's my dp birthday today and I've taken a test and spent the past few months imagining suprising him with it as a birthday gift and am now absolutely devastated that it's a negative... I wasnt expecting a positive but I didnt realise how crushed I would be to get a negative. (I just thought I would be like a bit sad and try the next month) but he is downstairs celebrating his birthday with all his family and I'm in bed close to tears (can I just point out he doesnt know I've taken the test and after snapping at him about something stupid I've stormed up here and not gone back down).

Am I being unreasonable to be this upset, did anyone else feel so utterly devastated after their negative tests even when it's so unlikely?

OP posts:
GetTheSprinkles · 08/10/2019 20:18

It's funny isn't it. We're told our whole lives that if we have unprotected sex once we'll get pregnant. Then the TTC journey begins and you realise that's a load of sh*te! I was certain we'd be pregnant the first time we tried and was so deflated when there was only one line on the test. You start worrying you did something wrong or if there's something wrong with one of you. After month 2 of TTC resulted in yet another BFN I had my DH buy an Amazon sperm testing kit to make sure he wasn't shooting blanks- poor guy! We ended up conceiving in the 4th month of trying but I completely understand how you're feeling. Chin up and try to enjoy the rest of your fella's birthday with him!

CannonCaboodle · 08/10/2019 20:18

How old are you?

raspberryk · 08/10/2019 20:18

Sorry but no matter how disappointed you are you don't sound mature enough to have a baby if you have a tantrum at a fantasy not coming true.

jennabobs89 · 08/10/2019 20:21

It took me over a year with my first and yes whilst every month you get your period it's horrible you've just got to remember it will happen with it happens. I used to get worked up about it and then the month I got pregnant was actually the month we had the least sex and I hadn't tracked ovulation and just thought sod it what will be will be.

Stress can play a massive part so don't put too much pressure on yourself and just enjoy trying as when the baby's here you won't have much time for that 🤣

TabbyMumz · 08/10/2019 20:21

Its month 2!!!! Dear God, over dramatising it a bit aren't you? Took us 2 years.

Ziraphale · 08/10/2019 20:21

Fertility issues? This is their first month of trying hmm. Heartbreaking? Dear god, anyone this immature really needs to re-examine and get perspective before TTC.

It's not. She says in the OP that she came off the pill six months ago. And she's wanted a baby for much longer than that.

Have some compassion towards another human being maybe?

anyoneseenmykeys · 08/10/2019 20:22

2 months?!

Do not even bother buying pregnancy tests, they won't make anything happen any faster.

You do need to start concentrating on something else, if you start to completely obsess about your cycle, your ovulation, take the fun out of sex to only have it on a strict schedule, you will ruin your relationship.

In the nicest possible way, if you are so over-dramatic about being pregnant, it's not the right time to try.

NotStayingIn · 08/10/2019 20:23

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NerrSnerr · 08/10/2019 20:24

You need to go down, apologise to your partner and have a nice evening. Please don't ruin his birthday when he hasn't done anything wrong.

Original poster
Olive94 · 08/10/2019 20:24

@CannonCaboodle I am 25, my partner is 28 today.

Guys - it's not just that I imagined it for his birthday, just that I didnt realise how upset I spiked find a negative test. Surely you can all remember how gutted you felt when you got your negatives? As I said previously I never expected it to be instant, just never expected to be quite so upset with the result!

Thank you to those with comments of support and reassurance they are making me feel a lot more positive and less alone right now xx

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 08/10/2019 20:24

I think lots of us know that feeling, but agree with other posters you need to learn to deal with this otherwise you have got a year ahead of you doing that every month and it does and can crush you. You've got to find a way relax. And also, getting all stressed about it isn't going to help. Just relax, see what each month brings.

Fluffycloudland77 · 08/10/2019 20:25

Yabu.

I’m not surprised he didn’t follow you up and try to talk you down. It’s incredibly embarrassing for adults to witness such immature behaviour.

You need to grow up, people have no time for adults acting like teenagers.

NerrSnerr · 08/10/2019 20:27

It's normal to be disappointed but to storm off in front of his family is awful. I bet he's really embarrassed and not enjoying his birthday at all.

skunkatanka · 08/10/2019 20:28

Can I be so bold as to suggest marriage before babies???

cheeseandpineapple · 08/10/2019 20:28

Each time I’ve been pregnant it’s been unexpected and I’ve realised my ovulation was not when I thought it was, it was much earlier in my cycle than I thought, how are you tracking your ovulation?

But in any event please don’t let this spoil your partner’s birthday, that’s not fair on him, force yourself to snap out of it and make sure he has a fun night and all the best going forward.

CatsOnCatnip · 08/10/2019 20:30

The more you stress about it the longer it may take. Please try to relax and enjoy the trying. I understand it’s easier said than done but you’ve not really given yourself a chance yet. The factors that have to line up in order for anyone to conceive are so complex I’m amazed anyone does! But a
Stressful environment internally won’t help, so don’t get worked up just yet. You’ve got lots of things to celebrate. Enjoy your house, enjoy your partner. The rest will probably come naturally, but if it doesn’t you can cross the bridge later.

anyoneseenmykeys · 08/10/2019 20:30

Can I be so bold as to suggest marriage before babies???

I completely agree with you, but you know you will get absolutely hateful replies

AlexaAmbidextra · 08/10/2019 20:32

You need to grow up. If you carry on behaving like this you might find yourself without a father for your potential baby.

CAG12 · 08/10/2019 20:32

@NotStayingIn a little harsh dont you think?

@skunkatanka its none of your buisness

But OP, I do want to reiterate what PPs have said. Yes its upsetting, but you need to have a think about how you deal with it. Otherwise the TTC journey could potentially be long and VERY damaging to your relationship

Original poster
Olive94 · 08/10/2019 20:33

We actually are planning our wedding for a couple of months time so will be married way before a baby comes even if we concieved now! We are only having a small registry office affair so can book a couple of month in advance due to only have about 15 member of family and around 8 friends coming :)

OP posts:
holidays987 · 08/10/2019 20:33

I felt upset with every negative test. Or every period's arrival. We tried for 13m with number two (baby expected in Feb!!). It took over a year and still I found it hard every single month.
Both 28years old trying. Which in the scheme of things isn't old. We had fertility tests the month before we finally fell pregnant, which came back fine.
I have no advice because I don't think I handled TTC very well myself. Good luck to you!!

BuffaloCauliflower · 08/10/2019 20:33

*Can I be so bold as to suggest marriage before babies???

I completely agree with you, but you know you will get absolutely hateful replies*

Another agree - properly commit to each other before you bring another life into the world.

Silvercatowner · 08/10/2019 20:33

Surely you can all remember how gutted you felt when you got your negatives

I'm old, and pregnancy tests had just been invented when I became pregnant. I only had a positive test because I wanted to confirm. Taking a pregnancy test is not going to change anything. It won't make you pregnant,

ChrisPrattsFace · 08/10/2019 20:34

It makes me so sad that you’re already finding it this emotional and genuinely wonder if you would cope going forward.
We tried for three years with alot of testing with negative results and changes in our plan.
You have a lot ahead if you OP. You need to find a coping mechanism and quickly or this is going to be the same every month.

Ohyesiam · 08/10/2019 20:34

The only way I coped was to reel my expectations right in. So no fantasising, no build up.
Every time I felt my self float off ona little cloud of romantic perfection , I’d pull it right back in, and make sure my feet were firmly on the ground. The best thing I did was a mindfulness course, because if you manage to be here, present, you don’t torture yourself with your fantasies, and ( the best bit).
I am very emotional and had to find ways of dealing with my feelings on the rollercoaster.