To feel this devestated?

[Olive94]

A little bit of background, me and my partner have been saving for our deposit for 2 years, we have also wanted a baby for all this time but we finally completed last week on our first house and we decided to start trying to concieve when we had our home as we felt this would be the best time. My 4 best friends have all had their first children in this time span and I am so longing for a baby now!!

I've been off the pill for 6 months, taking 7 seas trying to concieve vitamins and tracking my ovulation. Basically doing everything I can to prepare! My cycle and ovulation has been extremely regular.

We DTD every other day in the week leading up to and a few days past ovulation and I'm pretty confident with my timings.

I know it can take a long time to concieve, im not stupid and I fully expected it to take a few months...but
It's my dp birthday today and I've taken a test and spent the past few months imagining suprising him with it as a birthday gift and am now absolutely devastated that it's a negative... I wasnt expecting a positive but I didnt realise how crushed I would be to get a negative. (I just thought I would be like a bit sad and try the next month) but he is downstairs celebrating his birthday with all his family and I'm in bed close to tears (can I just point out he doesnt know I've taken the test and after snapping at him about something stupid I've stormed up here and not gone back down).

Am I being unreasonable to be this upset, did anyone else feel so utterly devastated after their negative tests even when it's so unlikely?

And as someone else said up thread....non married couples dont tend to last the distance as much as married couples

Please can you share the source of this information? I would be rwally interested to see the figures.

@Olive94 we were trying for 2 years, i didnt even think about nothing happening until we had been trying a year, but then i never bothered testing cos i know it would upset me. We finally conceived in feb this yr so more than 2 yrs trying altogether, but sadly lost that baby in April, i was broken all o wanted was to try again but i was to sad to try so we said we would wait a while b4 trying again, no timing or ovulation strips or any of that, well i had to wait 8 weeks for af to return, which had to be helped along with acupuncture, only to find out the very next minth i was pregnant, im now 15 weeks, i think cos we werent thinking about it so much it just happened. You have to remember sometimes contraception can mess with your body, i was on the injection, the dr thinks that didnt help with how long we were waiting. I would suggest stop trying to teack for now as i realised i didnt ovulate when i thought i did, dont over think it, no more testing foe a while just enjoy being with your oh, it will happen the more u think the more u get stressed and upset. Now off doen and enjoy his birthday.

Marriages are a great show of commitment, maturity and hold weight under the law. I have a friend who has had three of them and a colleague of mine has had four. Highly recommend.

Don’t take a test until your period is late - you are going to save yourself a lot of stress and money ! My first took 9months to conceive and second 1 month ... so it does happen :-)

I hope you’ve explained and apologised to your OH

Can we all collectively agree to just drop that nasty little patronising phrase?

No, we can't.

This sounds trite, but I had a bit of a wait conceiving DD1- 9 months, but yeah, it felt like about 100 years at the time. But when she was born I had this overwhelming feeling that she was who she was meant to be, if that makes sense, and if she had been conceived earlier, well.... she could t have been because she wouldn’t have been her! Your baby is coming, but there’s a specific baby for you and they’ll come.... sooner or later! Good luck OP. For what it’s worth too, tried for 9months for DD1 and 3 weeks for DD2. What will be will be.

‘Cam77

Marriages are a great show of commitment, maturity and hold weight under the law. I have a friend who has had three of them and a colleague of mine has had four. Highly recommend.‘

😅. Brilliant stuff.
I don’t blame her, easier to walk away with all that legal protection eh!

Ttc can drive you insane. If you give yourself a realistic time frame of six months then try to live your life in the moment. Your in danger of putting life on hold, hard to do but don’t put life on hold. One child did take me 2 years. As time went on I lost more months putting life on hold waiting for something that took months I couldn’t get back. Holidays, promotions etc

‘When you compare two couples, together for the same amount of time, one married, the other just together, I think the married couple is more committed to each other, often because it's harder to walk away from a marriage, for various reasons. If married, you'd have to go through a divorce which can be draining and lengthy. Not married, you can literally just walk off.’
^^

Do you even read mumsnet?

Of course you can’t just walk away, don’t be so silly.
There are people here saying they wouldn’t become a sahp and rely on their partner unless he was their husband, because if anything happened they’d what? Oh.... get legal support to make what easier?
Leaving?

Penny dropped?

Being married actually makes a split easier than what it would be when you’re not, which is why the legal aspects of marriage are what makes people want to get married, it is a benefit.

Does it make people more committed though? No, no it doesn’t.

I tell you what it cost a damn site more walking away from my marriage than I gained, wont be getting married again. It just meant I had to negotiate with an utter dickhead to not be legally bound to him. With my current DP I would just turf him out. Simples.

stats: Government’s recent State of the Nation report

Around 3 million children in the UK have experienced the separation of their parents. This is partly attributable to a rise in cohabitation, given the increased likelihood of break-up for cohabiting couples relative to married couples.

stats: IFS

A number of recent UK papers have documented the association between marriage and relationship stability. Using the Millennium Cohort Study (the same data source that IFS employ in our own work), Benson (2009) finds that around 27% of couples that were cohabiting when their child was born have separated by the time the child is aged 5, compared with 9% of couples that were married when their child was born.

Before I was ever on Mumsnet, I probably would have had a similar reaction to OP about receiving a negative test if I'd been 'trying' for a baby. I had a surprise, yet wanted and planned, baby (just didn't expect it to happen so soon- not gloating). I came on Mumsnet and realised it wasn't as 'easy' for everyone. I found myself reading threads and learning about conception journeys, those using IVF, sperm donors, the whole lot. I found it really interesting, but ultimately, it put everything in context for me.

When we started trying for DC2, we had a few months of negative results. It was sad but I knew we'd been so lucky with DD, there was no way it was going to be that simple again. Luckily, I found out I'm pregnant again last weekend (although I never relax until the 12 week scan). It's just like everything in life. I have a shit p/t job, plenty of people have amazing careers. Sometimes you're lucky, sometimes you aren't. It's okay to be sad about it, but sometimes you have to put your sadness into context and realise that in the grand scheme of things... it isn't so bad. Plenty of women try for years, etc.

But OP, don't let it get to you. It's really not long at all and I'd say after you've slept on it, you'll feel better tomorrow. Be kind to yourself and remember that the TTC journey very well may be a rough one, but you just have to ride it out. (literally! ;) that's another thing! Try keep it fun. Once it becomes a strictly baby-making-only thing, it really takes it's toll on you as a couple. You've only got each other so don't push each other away).

OP, I'm so sorry about the derail - I really hope you have a lovely wedding. And good luck with TTC, try and not let it get you down. It's hard at first, but remember you'll get there.

I just RTFT. It's really disappointing to see what some users find acceptable to post online. Arguing about the pros and cons of marriage when OP hasn't even mentioned it? Not appropriate. People being rude and nasty to OP? Also not appropriate. Fair, perhaps, if she'd cheated on her partner and left him high and dry but all she has done is be upset over a test result. Hardly the crime of the century.

I do think a minority of users wait for threads where they can put their own insecurities forward and attack others. It's sad, but this 'competitive victim' thing is a bit pathetic, tbh. It's fine to say to the OP 'I understand you are upset but it could be worse so be thankful you've only been trying for a few months', but to tell her to 'get a grip' and that she's being 'dramatic' is just harsh, to be honest. Life isn't a competition of who has it worse off. Let's support each other rather than make someone feel even worse because god forbid, she has it "better" than someone else.

And to finish, who gives a fuck about someone else's relationship and their marital status? Absolutely none of anyone's business except the two people in question.

19 years and counting here. Actually we have just recently decided to give up. But that’s a good time to give up and lose hope, after 19 years (I tried for 12 years with first husband and now 7 years with second). You have s long way to go before you can say there’s a problem or it won’t happen. But in answer to your question, yes, I totally understand that devastated feeling. Train yourself not to associate it with major events like “if I get pregnant now I could surprise DH on his birthday/my parents at Christmas with the news”. It just makes things worse. Don’t put your life on hold. Just glide along. I worked with a woman who was offered the chance to go on a fantastic overseas trip with work. She turned it down saying “I’m probably going to be pregnant then”. Guess what? She didn’t get pregnant before the trip happened and she’d given her place to someone else.

@PepePig i completely agree with you, this got very out of hand. As my mum always told me if you have nothing nuce to say dontsay anything. I can't believe the way fully grown adults are treating someone who is upset, even if they think she is over reacting thats their opinion, she is honestly upset. And i have no idea how the marriage thing came in to it, it has absolutely nothing to do with this at all.

OP, I'm not saying this to be unkind but I would strongly suggest you use the time you're TTC and pregnant to work on your emotional resilience and communication skills with your partner. Nothing will test you and your relationship like having a child and if you're still at the point in your life where you snap at your partner over silly things rather than communicating with him about what's bothering you, go off and sulk and get annoyed if he doesn't follow you, and can't set aside your feelings for long enough to get through a birthday celebration you're going to find parenting a real challenge. I've done all those things before and I'm so glad I got them out of my system and worked out a healthier way of communicating before I had my daughter. I really don't say this to be unkind but as genuine advice that I believe will really help you on this journey. Good luck!

OP, if you are still here, your hormones around the time of the month when you get a negative result are the perfect recipe for tears and a crushing feeling of sadness! (It's the rapid drop in progesterone.)

Try not to take it too much to heart -- hormones plus TTC hopes and expectations are such a powerful combo, but honestly you will be happier if you make a conscious decision to get off the emotional rollercoaster and try not to build things up in your head. Try to resist the temptation to test until your period is late if you can and best wishes

Yanbu as you cannot help how you feel but it hasnt been long. It took me 5 years with unexplained infertility to conceive via IVF. You're best to try not to fantasise about perfect scenarios where you can surprise your partner and concentrate on being as relaxed as you both can and realistic. You have plenty of time.

@Olive94 I understand where you are coming from...when you’ve been waiting a while for something you really want, it’s hard not to imagine it’ll all magically come right, particularly on a special date.

Me and DH had been trying for a couple of years when we managed to get together (living apart for work) and DTD at just the right time when i’d had a clear ovulation. It should have given me a BFP on Xmas day, so of course I imagined the positive test would be his present. We were staying with family and I took a test with me, testing early on Xmas Day. Negative*. I was utterly gutted.

*the second part of this story is that I then went on to eat, drink and be merry. I’d hid the test in my toiletries so as not to put it in my relatives bin. About 3 days later when we went home, I found the test was strongly positive...I hadn’t waited long enough. I then had a mad dash to the chemist to recheck with a second test...which was also positive

I do think that this is your DPs birthday and all of his family are round, so it’s a bit mean of you to make it all about you. You didn’t have to take the test today, and your reaction is pretty intense.

I think you do need to apologise to your BF. You are both starting an exciting life together, you need to be kind to each other. The chances are you will get pregnant.

Really no need for the nasty comments when the OP is feeling low anyway is there...
I'm sorry you didn't get the test result you wanted but please remember it's such early days. Don't be hard on yourself and don't let yourself just focus on this.
I get why you feel upset about the results and it is disheartening.
One step at a time OP, you got this x

OP, you need to DTD starting the next day after your period has finished, and then every other day for a few weeks. I did what you did for 12 months and got nowhere, until I changed it to the above and fell pregnant that month . I'm sure everyone will say it's a coincidence but I don't believe that it was

I've been there OP. We tried for around months before conceiving. It felt like a million years at the time but in reality was bang on normal. I can remember being devastated when my period came at christmas because like you I thought it would be the perfect time to tell my DP. I got pregnant in January.

You might find the mumsnet conception boards a friendlier place than AIBU.

3 year journey ttc here and no I never snapped at my DH on his birthday and stormed upstairs. In total, I got around 25 negative tests.

You'll need to become stronger than this. It can take a perfectly fertile couple a year or more to conceive