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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this devestated?

176 replies

Olive94 · 08/10/2019 19:36

A little bit of background, me and my partner have been saving for our deposit for 2 years, we have also wanted a baby for all this time but we finally completed last week on our first house and we decided to start trying to concieve when we had our home as we felt this would be the best time. My 4 best friends have all had their first children in this time span and I am so longing for a baby now!!

I've been off the pill for 6 months, taking 7 seas trying to concieve vitamins and tracking my ovulation. Basically doing everything I can to prepare! My cycle and ovulation has been extremely regular.

We DTD every other day in the week leading up to and a few days past ovulation and I'm pretty confident with my timings.

I know it can take a long time to concieve, im not stupid and I fully expected it to take a few months...but
It's my dp birthday today and I've taken a test and spent the past few months imagining suprising him with it as a birthday gift and am now absolutely devastated that it's a negative... I wasnt expecting a positive but I didnt realise how crushed I would be to get a negative. (I just thought I would be like a bit sad and try the next month) but he is downstairs celebrating his birthday with all his family and I'm in bed close to tears (can I just point out he doesnt know I've taken the test and after snapping at him about something stupid I've stormed up here and not gone back down).

Am I being unreasonable to be this upset, did anyone else feel so utterly devastated after their negative tests even when it's so unlikely?

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 08/10/2019 21:22

TabbyMumz

Anyone can get married too!

It sounds harder to walk away from someone if you’re not married and have all the legal protection to fall back on.

timshelthechoice · 08/10/2019 21:22

I didn't assume anything about your, Jelly Hmm.

Teachermaths · 08/10/2019 21:23

surely you remembered how gutted you felt

Did you test before your period was due? If so that's a waste of a test.

Before home tests existed women didn't seek healthcare (midwife/docs) until they had 2 missed periods. This meant a lot of early miscarriages also went un noticed.

timshelthechoice · 08/10/2019 21:23

life, sorry

londonrach · 08/10/2019 21:27

Op....its vvvv unlikely your first of ttc you get pregnant. Some people are luckly but most take at least a year. Its your dh birthday go and enjoy the fun!

morrisseysquif · 08/10/2019 21:27

Disappointed yes, snapping at your DP and sat on your own for an hour a half dwelling.... you need to ever so kindly to get a grip.

Go downstairs and apologise. Then relax and focus on what you have so far, a partner, a home you have just bought and friends and family near. Enjoy trying for a baby but do not let it rule your life.

Jellybeansincognito · 08/10/2019 21:27

What is this if it isn’t an assumption @timshelthechoice ?

TTC two months in is not hard. If that's what you consider hard in life, you've had a really nice life so far.

I don’t like sentence at all tbh. TTC and hardship isn’t a competition.

We should all be empathetic towards each other regardless of how minor in comparison things are.

Jellybeansincognito · 08/10/2019 21:27

This is pretty de-railed now.

Anyway!

I hope you manage to have a lovely evening op and good look with the future!

Igotthemheavyboobs · 08/10/2019 21:28

Took us 4 years and I always found af arriving to be less devastating than a negetive test. No idea why, they both mean the same thing. Yanbu Flowers

Alexandra54 · 08/10/2019 21:29

It took me 6 years. If I behaved like you every month, I'd have been single after the first year...

OhTheJoys1 · 08/10/2019 21:29

Hi OP,

I could have written this myself 3 months ago.

I too was in the same position and was becoming increasing frustrated with the 'give it time' advice. I just couldn't see how I was not yet pregnant.

I did ovulation tests, temping, blood test, you name it!! 6 cycles in, my best friend who had her baby 6 months ago kept telling me I was not doing the deed enough!

I disregarded this for another 3 months as I was convinced I was, she continued to nag and told me just for one month, try having sex every day.

I had finally had enough and told my husband that we were going to have sex every day, I will admit, it was knackering!!

We missed one night on day 3 but other than that we did an 18 night stretch!!! after that month I am now 14 weeks pregnant.

Even with my period being regular for years and using ovulation strips, turns out

I did a lot of research in that month, turns out sperm quality is better if you are having sex everyday, although lower amounts (Who cares its stronger). Also the sperm needs to be ready and waiting at the moment of ovulation, if like me you are even a few days out, you are missing this time frame.

I wish you all the best, Fingers crossed you get your positive ASAP. x

SusieOwl4 · 08/10/2019 21:30

it took us 2 1/2 years to conceive and other couples even more . Be patient .

TabbyMumz · 08/10/2019 21:31

Jellybeans.....of course anyone can get married, but once you are it's harder to walk away from, that's my point. You feel more committed. Not married, you can just walk out the door. And yes, you are more legally protected.

Jellybeansincognito · 08/10/2019 21:32

The legal protection makes its easier to walk away, no?

OhTheJoys1 · 08/10/2019 21:33

*sorry cut some out.

My fertile window was actually four days earlier than I had thought for 9 months!! I never would have got pregnant if I did not do the deed every night as I was so convinced I had the timings right.

CormacMcLaggen · 08/10/2019 21:34

We should all be empathetic towards each other regardless of how minor in comparison things are.

I agree.

I've been on a hellish infertility journey, but I wouldn't compare it in a top-trumps way that some posters have done to OPs experience. I feel nothing but empathy and understanding, I think she's done the right thing to open up about her feelings - offering advice and support rather than flinging 'grips' is preferable, surely?

So what if some people can brush off a negative each month without it affecting them? They aren't the OP and she hasn't deserved the flaming she's had here.

TabbyMumz · 08/10/2019 21:35

Jellybeans....no it doesnt. You are more legally protected, but going through a divorce can take years. As I've said, not married, you can just walk out the door.

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 08/10/2019 21:36

Oh OP 😞

FWIW, I conceived the first month we ‘tried’ although that ‘month’ lasted about 7 weeks due to my irregularity. I knew when I’d ovulated (as I tested EVERY day 😂) and I was good with my timings.
I took the test hoping it would be positive but it was negative and I was gutted!
The next day I was feeling really sick and ‘off’ took another and it was positive! Don’t give up because one test was negative, a matter of hours can mean all the difference. Until your period arrives you could well me pregnant xx

Jellybeansincognito · 08/10/2019 21:36

@CormacMcLaggen I’m flabbergasted that people are telling her to get married first and calling her immature.

It’s disgusting.

I’m sorry about your hellish TTC journey.

TabbyMumz · 08/10/2019 21:37

And as someone else said up thread....non married couples dont tend to last the distance as much as married couples.

Jellybeansincognito · 08/10/2019 21:39

TabbyMumz

Jellybeans....no it doesnt. You are more legally protected, but going through a divorce can take years. As I've said, not married, you can just walk out the door.

^ ok so let me get this straight.
You think being married to someone bares more weight than the length of a relationship purely because of the legal protection you get when married? (Which let’s face it, makes it easier to split up once a divorce gos through).

It would be easier for me to walk away from my husband now we’re married than it would have been when we weren’t.

Jellybeansincognito · 08/10/2019 21:39

@TabbyMumz id love to see some figures proving that tbh.

Jellybeansincognito · 08/10/2019 21:40

Perhaps make a thread about it?

TabbyMumz · 08/10/2019 21:55

"It would be easier for me to walk away from my husband now we’re married than it would have been when we weren’t."

Sorry to hear that. I dont understand how though.

"You think being married to someone bares more weight than the length of a relationship purely because of the legal protection you get when married?"

When you compare two couples, together for the same amount of time, one married, the other just together, I think the married couple is more committed to each other, often because it's harder to walk away from a marriage, for various reasons. If married, you'd have to go through a divorce which can be draining and lengthy. Not married, you can literally just walk off.

TabbyMumz · 08/10/2019 21:56

Jellybeans. ..if you want figures or a thread, please feel happy to do so, I'm not that bothered, you have your opinion, I have mine.