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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this devestated?

176 replies

Olive94 · 08/10/2019 19:36

A little bit of background, me and my partner have been saving for our deposit for 2 years, we have also wanted a baby for all this time but we finally completed last week on our first house and we decided to start trying to concieve when we had our home as we felt this would be the best time. My 4 best friends have all had their first children in this time span and I am so longing for a baby now!!

I've been off the pill for 6 months, taking 7 seas trying to concieve vitamins and tracking my ovulation. Basically doing everything I can to prepare! My cycle and ovulation has been extremely regular.

We DTD every other day in the week leading up to and a few days past ovulation and I'm pretty confident with my timings.

I know it can take a long time to concieve, im not stupid and I fully expected it to take a few months...but
It's my dp birthday today and I've taken a test and spent the past few months imagining suprising him with it as a birthday gift and am now absolutely devastated that it's a negative... I wasnt expecting a positive but I didnt realise how crushed I would be to get a negative. (I just thought I would be like a bit sad and try the next month) but he is downstairs celebrating his birthday with all his family and I'm in bed close to tears (can I just point out he doesnt know I've taken the test and after snapping at him about something stupid I've stormed up here and not gone back down).

Am I being unreasonable to be this upset, did anyone else feel so utterly devastated after their negative tests even when it's so unlikely?

OP posts:
anyoneseenmykeys · 08/10/2019 20:36

You really should concentrate on your wedding.

The truth is that the pregnancy test angst is NOTHING compared to the actual pregnancy, and that's if it all goes well from start to finish. Then it doesn't stop when baby arrives.

It's a really long journey, it s not healthy to make such a huge deal out of nothing.

Seriously, don't buy pregnancy tests just yet! Concentrate on your ovulation if you must, but it's not great advice to over-focus on the whole thing.

WarshipWarrior · 08/10/2019 20:37

God what I have I just read. You sound high drama! You have only tried for 1 month
Dont be so selfish and ridiculous it's your partners birthday ffs !! If he acted like this on your birthday how would u feel? Get downstairs and grow up.

Original poster
Olive94 · 08/10/2019 20:40

Yes, maybe this is what I need, where did you do this course? I agree that I do need a coping mechanism as I just feel so sad.

update I have been back downstairs, I've been back and forth to kitchen making drinks. Also I didnt snap at DP in front of family, was in the utility when I was telling him about my day at work when he spun round and joined in another conversation his brother was having and ignored me. I told everyone else I had a headache and ran upstairs to have a little cry!

OP posts:
skunkatanka · 08/10/2019 20:40

CAG, very little of what is posted on MN is anyone else's business is it. It's made our business because we are asked for opinions. I've read enough MN threads to know that marriage before babies is wise for a million and one reasons. The OP has time so why rush into babies?

PinkSpring · 08/10/2019 20:41

You need to chill out. It's been two months, you are being incredibly dramatic.

It took four months for us to conceive the first time and over six months the second time and both times we considered ourselves lucky for conceiving so quickly. It can take years and years for some people so to come on here complaining after two months is quite honestly, ridiculous.

Jellybeansincognito · 08/10/2019 20:42

Marriage before babies?

Really?
People jump into marriage so quickly these days- many people I know were married by the time they’d been together for 2 years.

We had a child 6 years in, a second child 2 years later, and then married 9 months after that.

Marriage means absolutely nothing compared to the length of a relationship.

Also, some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. TTC is hard, the expectations are hard, of course you fantasise it and of course it hurts when it doesn’t come true. Have some compassion.

Op I hope you’re ok, I think what you’re doing is great- I would keep doing that but stop tracking ovulation, you could potentially be missing it.
I don’t seem to be able to conceive without fertility lube (conceive plus). Conceived first month of using it with both of my children.

Good luck op- ps, you’re not immature.
I don’t think so anyway.

timshelthechoice · 08/10/2019 20:43

But it's HIS birthday, not about you and what you thought it should be like and then stropping off on his birthday and then crying fowl when he didn't come after you.

Surely you can all remember how gutted you felt when you got your negatives?

Yes, but being an adult, well, you have to suck it up on like, people's birthdays or when you need to go to work. I was miscarrying a much wanted baby on my daughter's 4th birthday. I had to crack on. That's part of it all.

Silver I think social media has a lot to answer for in that now people want so much to make a big production of announcing they're pregnant it builds it all up, it's kinda sad. I mean, a pee'd on stick isn't a birthday present and it all seems to be about big announcements and drama.

Gileadisreal · 08/10/2019 20:43

Honestly some of the horrible comments on here are just so unnecessary.
TTC is a bit like parenting OP, it's never what you imagined, often way more difficult, and there's always some smug bastard that manages to do it effortlessly.

CormacMcLaggen · 08/10/2019 20:43

Don't take the harsher comments to heart, you're just at the beginning of trying and it's easy for the excitement and expectations to take hold. I think we all half-expect to get pregnant immediately after spending so much effort preventing getting pregnant.

As I said upthread, it's more likely than not to take a fair few more months, so definitely focus on other things, enjoy planning your wedding and come up with some ideas how to keep your (understandable) disappointment each month in control; when it starts affecting others then it's getting the best of you and it's not fair to bring others down with you.

That just means you're human, but take it as a sign that you'll feel happier just reigning in the hopes and taking each day as it comes.

The conception boards are a great source of advice and support, and a little less harsh than AIBU!

Juliehooligan · 08/10/2019 20:45

@Olive94 sending big huge hugs your way, I’m sure once you tell your partner what is going on it will help your anxiety over not conceiving yet. It is still early, but if you are worried, make an appointment to see your doctor for a chat. Good luck with everything xx

timshelthechoice · 08/10/2019 20:46

Marriage means absolutely nothing compared to the length of a relationship.

Jump into marriage but not hooking yourself for life to someone by having a kid with them? Marriage has some incredibly important legal ramifications that can't be conferred in any other way without much more expensive legal fees.

TTC two months in is not hard. If that's what you consider hard in life, you've had a really nice life so far.

Andysbestadventure · 08/10/2019 20:47

Fertility issues... Christ on a bike. Sort yourself out, OP. You've been trying for two months! And test when your period is late not before.

Rachelover60 · 08/10/2019 20:47

Bless you, you're disappointed but it will happen. Just relax and enjoy your new home and your partner, Olive, make love when you both feel like it, not just to conceive. Life will be good.

Congratulations on buying your first house!

Flowers Wine

DeathStare · 08/10/2019 20:49

You're not being unreasonable to feel upset. You had an idea in your head and it's not worked out. I think most of us can get that - though you do know it's illogical right?

You are being unreasonable to strop off up to your bedroom on HIS birthday rather than putting a brave face on it and making sure he has a good time.

And if you are still sat in that bedroom moping, rather than having gone downstairs and apologised and then tried to make up for it, then you are being completely and utterly unreasonable and self-centred to the point where you are too immature to be thinking of having a baby.

Jellybeansincognito · 08/10/2019 20:50

timshelthechoice

People can literally get married within months of meeting, faster than a 9 month pregnancy.

I wouldn’t say I’ve had a nice life so far no, I spoke to my mums biological mother today, for the first time after tracking her down, and had to tell her that my mum died of cancer 6 years ago, when I was 22.

I still appreciate that the expectations we pin on ourselves when we want a baby are hard. It’s called compassion.

Clearly you don’t have any, patronising people about marriage and claiming those who also think it is hard from the beginning have ‘had a nice life’
You’ve absolutely got no idea.

TabbyMumz · 08/10/2019 20:50

"Marriage means absolutely nothing compared to the length of a relationship."...oh but it does, it means it's harder to split, and not so easy to walk away from. It means your committed.

Jellybeansincognito · 08/10/2019 20:52

So you think someone who has been together less than a year but are married are more committed than someone who has been in a relationship for 6 with a mortgage and not married?

Right, ok...

PowerslidePanda · 08/10/2019 20:54

I think you're getting a hard time on here. I remember being in your shoes and can sympathise. You do hear about people conceiving accidentally or on their first cycle of trying, so you get your hopes up - and even though 2 cycles isn't long in the grand scheme of things, time can pass quite slowly when you're keenly TTC.

What helped me was to remember just how much of it is down to luck. Even if you're both perfectly healthy and fertile and you do everything right, there's still only a 20% chance of conceiving on any given cycle. Really frustrating, but I found reminding myself of it helped me keep level-headed and chin up for the next cycle.

Jellybeansincognito · 08/10/2019 20:54

I know of a couple that have been together for over 20 years, they aren’t married and don’t have any kids.

Clearly not as committed as a couple who are married after 2 years of knowing each other though.
🥴

RevealTheLegend · 08/10/2019 20:55

Marriage before babies?

Yes. Definitely. Especially if you are the lower earner and /or plan on taking a career break or maternity leave. Otherwise you are in an insanely vulnerable position.

Actually I’m the higher earner, and it was DH that took the hit to his career when we had kids. But I married him to ensure he had legal protection if we split even though that will be to my financial detriment, he i s now guaranteed a share of the house I paid for and the pension I pay for. Because I’m not a,complete asshat.

CharityConundrum · 08/10/2019 20:55

Be kind to yourself - stay off AIBU! You clearly sound shocked at the strength of your emotions, and anyone who chooses to have a go at you when you are obviously a bit overwhelmed is probably thinking of their own hardship, not yours. You know that it can take a while, but it doesn't make it any less disappointing when that knowledge becomes a reality in front of your eyes! I hope you get your positive soon.

RevealTheLegend · 08/10/2019 20:57

jellybeans

We aren’t discussing some lovely fluffy abstract concept of love and commitment. Marriage is a legal contract, offering benefits and legal protection.

It’s about the right to inherit, the either to make medical decisions when the other person is unable to make their own decisions. It’s about the right to a fair share of property and assets should you split.

hula008 · 08/10/2019 20:58

Jellybeansincognito

How is that a comparison? Surely the comparison you are making are if there were 2 couples who have been together 5 years (for example), with one couple married, the other not, in the absence of further variables is the married couple more committed?

Davespecifico · 08/10/2019 20:58

How old are you?

skunkatanka · 08/10/2019 20:59

Marriage means absolutely nothing compared to the length of a relationship.

Legally that is simply not the case. To be truthful, the OP has time for both. Get married, wait a few years and then have babies. She is young enough to do so and therefore to ensure that her child has as much stability as possible.