To feel this devestated?

[Olive94]

A little bit of background, me and my partner have been saving for our deposit for 2 years, we have also wanted a baby for all this time but we finally completed last week on our first house and we decided to start trying to concieve when we had our home as we felt this would be the best time. My 4 best friends have all had their first children in this time span and I am so longing for a baby now!!

I've been off the pill for 6 months, taking 7 seas trying to concieve vitamins and tracking my ovulation. Basically doing everything I can to prepare! My cycle and ovulation has been extremely regular.

We DTD every other day in the week leading up to and a few days past ovulation and I'm pretty confident with my timings.

I know it can take a long time to concieve, im not stupid and I fully expected it to take a few months...but
It's my dp birthday today and I've taken a test and spent the past few months imagining suprising him with it as a birthday gift and am now absolutely devastated that it's a negative... I wasnt expecting a positive but I didnt realise how crushed I would be to get a negative. (I just thought I would be like a bit sad and try the next month) but he is downstairs celebrating his birthday with all his family and I'm in bed close to tears (can I just point out he doesnt know I've taken the test and after snapping at him about something stupid I've stormed up here and not gone back down).

Am I being unreasonable to be this upset, did anyone else feel so utterly devastated after their negative tests even when it's so unlikely?

I can't believe you went upstairs for an hour and a half, I bet his family knew you were sulking, don't spoil his birthday!
It's a negative, you need to be more resilient, this will probably happen a few more times.
I'm not sure what to do with myself and I cant see how I'll cope if I feel like this for another 6/12 months
Being a parent is an emotional roller-coaster, more than one negative result!

I was going to say 'YANBU- TTC can be really frustrating xxx' but then you said this is only month 2! You need to find more hobbies or other stuff to take your mind of it and distract you. Or if you get this easily wound up, maybe therapy.

I totally empathise with feeling upset, even though you know your hopes were unrealistic.

However, what you do is pull your big girl pants on, smile and carry on - it's his birthday for goodness sake. Any other day, if you felt the need to wallow, then go right ahead, but you've been really unfair. And I don't think that you're seeing that.

What strikes me is the later comment from you - after you'd been skulking in bed upstairs for an hour and a half - when you said "he didn't even come and see if I was OK". It's his birthday. The one day of the year which is about him, and you've made it about you. You've snapped at him and "stormed" off upstairs - your words. I think if we were reading a post about a guy doing that to his female partner on her birthday, we'd all be agreeing that he's acting like an entitled ass and being incredibly selfish.

I'm glad you've managed to go back downstairs now but really, you owe him an apology.

Also, as a heads up, once you have kids it's even harder - the emotional rollercoaster is like nothing you'll ever have experienced before. It can be a bastard at times, and there are days for your children's sake where you have to plaster on a smile and face the world, even though you feel like dying inside.

Only you know if you need counselling, or whether you're a bit depressed, but have a think about what's behind your reaction tonight. You can't lead the rest of your life on a rollercoaster like this, you'll drive yourself insane.

OP it strikes me that although this is only your second month trying to conceive there is a two year built up to this. That's a long time to have been carefully planning and I think makes sense of the disappointment you are feeling. The process of purchasing a house can be an anxious experience too and I imagine completing and then testing has created a strong anticlimatic feeling.

Try not to feel guilty about your reaction, probably more useful to understand where it came from, and if you can talk to your partner about it so you aren't alone with the hopes/disappointment.

Well done on saving your deposit, that's quite an achievement. I hope things go smoothly for you and that after this initial disappointed you can put less pressure on yourself next month.

Jellybeans.....I think having the legal side better boxed off by being married, makes you more protected when you split, but doesnt make it "easier" to split. I think there is more pressure on people to stay together when married, because firstly you have declared yourself as a couple in public, and secondly to split, your have to get a divorce, which can be lengthy and complicated and you have legal fees. The outcome might be better financially as you are more protected, but it's not easier. You are mixing up the word easier with protected legally. I dont think anyone would want to go through a divorce. Whereas if not married, it's easier to split, and you may end up worse off financially.

then stropping off on his birthday and then crying fowl when he didn't come after you.

@timshelthechoice Crying fowl? Was the OP crying chickens? Turkey? Or a goose maybe?

Honestly there are some really nasty responses on this thread. What is wrong with some people?

OP I get why you’re disappointed, but it’s only your second month of trying. The overwhelming odds are that you will be pregnant within the next 10 months!

@TabbyMumz @Jellybeansincognito I really think you need to agree to disagree now, OP will be reading through for support and advice on her actual problem and doesn't need to read reams and reams of your personal debate!

OP you're not unreasonable to be upset (yes it is incredibly early in your journey to feel disappointed but you were expecting it to be instant so you are disappointed) but remember DP doesn't have a clue that you'd built this up in your head and is just trying to enjoy his birthday and spend time with his guests - it wasn't really the time for a run down of your work day anyway! I would absolutely refuse to go upstairs and check on a sulking partner on my birthday!

Olive, all I can say is dont give yourself extra pressure by trying to convceive by someone's birthday. It will happen when it happens. My friend was told to expect at least a year trying to conceive, she was horrified. After a year go to a specialist to check you are both fertile. After 6 months if you are above 35. Best of luck. hugs

have you both checked your fertility?

I could have been you. I remember month two I got really upset because I had spent years worrying about contraception and accidents and I just assumed it would happen just like that. I am now almost 15 years on from that and probably won't be able to have children as we can't afford any more IVF. I still get that crushing feeling when I am really late and get a negative test because I am mourning what could have been.

Lie in bed crying tomorrow, get up and have a nice day for your husband's birthday. It is this sort of event that helps get you through, little stepping stones to cling to in between the ovulation days and testing days. Don't make it the focus of your life because it puts too much pressure on both of you and also on the baby when it arrives, to match up to the fantasies.

I swear if one more person had said relax to me then I would have sparta kicked them into the abyss. It really doesn't help.

update
Thanks everyone!
We had a chat this morning and sorted it all out. Apparently he did want to come up once I'd stormed off crying, but someone basically talked him into thinking the reason I'd stormed off was because I wanted to be alone. We dont exactly see eye to eye and because it was the first time family met her partner I'm sure she was loving being the centre of attention!!
(In hindsight discussing it this morning neither me or my partner invited this guy over and found it rude she hadn't even checked it was okay to bring him lol).

So we are both all good, we went out for lunch today and DP said that next year we will just chill the 2 of us as he is fed up with drama when the family gets together.

Oh good grief. OP, listen to the advice on this thread. You are not emotionally mature enough to cope with a baby. You need to get that way and fast if you want to have a baby now. There should be no "storming off crying" or blaming someone else for your bad behaviour (if it was my brother I would also rather he stayed and enjoyed his birthday than followed his girlfriend who had thrown a strop over seemingly nothing and ruined his birthday!). The only drama was caused by you, not his family.

Your update reveals even more about how immature you are. How old are you?? His family didn't create drama, you did. You shouldn't be storming off and attention seeking if you want to be a parent, how ludicrous.

Oh wow and I got pulled up by a poster for being unnecessarily harsh. I completely stand by my comment: your poor partner.

No, he said himself he would rather it was just us next year and the whole uninvited partner and sister sticking their nose in has now pissed him off.

Hardly immature, we've discussed it, I've apologised and we are all good.

He also said he didnt want to come upstairs and leave this random bloke in the house unattended and apparently he had had quite a lot to drink and DP was afraid he was going to vomit on the new carpet haha.

I have to admit when I went back down and was making drinks and talking to people I almost asked him to leave lol, but DP said he was gonna call it a night shortly after anyway.

he asked everyone to leave come half 8 as he got annoyed by all the random people that came along we had only invited his mum dad sister and brother over for Chinese and got random plus ones we never met and had to pay for! Moneys tight after just buying a house!

He's not angry at me so why my poor partner lol he understands and we've sorted it! :)

I'm glad all is well now, Olive.

Yeah I’m glad things are well too.
Honestly, the cheek of some people on this thread.
Give me immaturity any day.

Better an immature parent than a parent who picks others apart online saying they’re not emotionally ready for a child on the basis of a thread on MN.

Jeez.

Better an immature parent than a parent who picks others apart online saying they’re not emotionally ready for a child on the basis of a thread on MN.

This isn't true though, is it? Quite aside from the damage it does to the child, emotionally immature parents have a pretty shit time of it. Being a parent is so hard - so much harder than anyone can ever prepare you for - and if you're not emotionally resilient and self-aware, or if you don't have a strong relationship supported by open communication, it's going to be a million times harder. I say this as someone who went in to parenting with unresolved anxiety issues and wished I hadn't - thankfully it's under control now but I had a pretty tough time to start off with and it impacted my DD and my DH. Nobody is perfect but if you can be, you absolutely should be past the stage of storming off and sulking in bed when you're not getting enough attention before you have a baby. OP isn't pregnant yet - she has time she could spend on learning better ways to handle her emotions and to communicate with her partner before she does have a baby. It would benefit all three of them, especially OP. There's nothing cheeky about pointing that out.

Stop becoming so obsessed with becoming pregnant and it will just happen. Relax enjoy each others company. There is nothing more off putting than a woman waving a thermometer at a man and taking pregnancy tests all the time. If it dosen't happen after 12 months then its time to get some advice, but its such early days yet. I am sure things will happen for you soon but just try not to obsess over things. Be happy😄😄

I agree 100% with getwellsoon and feel sure the op will be pregnant in the not too distant future.

@peachgreen if you cannot see how telling someone they’re not emotionally mature enough to have a baby isn’t worse than storming out of a room when your emotions get a bit strong, then you’re not very self aware yourself.

Who do you think you are telling someone that? Seriously.

How absolutely ridiculous. If you want to know what devastated really feels like, try being told you will never be able to have children.

@Jellybeansincognito I already answered that question. All I can say is I'm so glad I didn't have a baby when I was in the place in my life when I behaved like OP has done. I can't imagine how much more difficult for me it would have been.

That gives you absolutely zero right to tell a stranger on the internet that they’re not mature enough to have a child.

It’s beyond rude, highly hypocritical also @peachgreen

I'm afraid I do have the right to share my opinion, just as you do. My opinion is that OP will enjoy being a parent a lot more - and have an easier time of it - if she works on her emotional maturity ahead of getting pregnant. Your opinion is that saying that makes me rude. That's fine. (Not sure how it makes me hypocritical though?)